THE JOURNEY: Although the cave was amost in complete darkness, it was lit by a single candle that seemed to never melt. It shed its light in all directions. You could see a few feet out, but were still confused about what might be in the distance. The risk and fear of what was in the darkness was generally considered by others to not be worth taking the risk of entering the cave. After all, you many go and never come back, and that that would truly be sad for everyone involved. The light from the single candle radiated with such clarity and intensity that he just knew that he was on the right path. He always trusted his intuition but admitted that he didn't always follow it. He personally didn't feel that he had anything to loose. They tried to tell him to not go into the cave in the first place, but due to his stubbornness he thought that there had to be more to life than to just be the person he had always been. He really believed that he probably could not have gone on the same way he was. So, now he seems to have made friends with this candle who apparently was helping him find his way out of the darkness even if it did mean that he wasn't conforming to the advice of those around him. He became so tired physically and mentally that he had to lay down and rest. Dreaming wasn't something he did very often but when the candle spoke to him he really wasn't sure if he was asleep or awake. The candle said, "you don't have to do it alone". What is that suppose to mean? Of course I have to do it alone. I am the only one here now. He actually got angry that the candle had spoke and told him something that didn't appear to make sense. He stirred and looked at the candle still trying to figure out what just happened. It is not that he is the type of person that never listens, it is just that he feels so strongly about what he is doing even if he can't see the path. Not being able to sleep any longer, he chose to think about what he thought the candle had said. Not having to do it alone would mean that he needs to ask one of his friends to come with him. His head just became more confused which scared him for the first time, so he said a prayer. "God grant me the wisdom to see who I really am and to be who I should be. Help me on this journey to become what was intended through your guidance and show me the way with help in finding peace in everything I do, joy in what I choose, and freedom and love all around me". Another voice in the dark said to "look in your pocket". He felt another candle and decided to light it as well. The voice said "you are not alone. You now have two candles that shine together as one, illuminating where ever you want to go. You do not have to put out the first candle as it will always act in unison with the second candle in guiding you on your path. Always be humble that your past is as brightly lit as your future. We go there together in the hopes that you remember where you came from and realize that you never have to do it alone and will always be surrounded by the clarity and illumination of the joint flame within your heart. Go now, and follow the path together and know that I will always stay with your when times are tough, protecting you and those that you love" With tears of gratitude he and the candles moved forward out of the other end of the cave and into the light of illumination moving without fear.


The journey over the last two years has been profound for me. I have survived the continuous onslaught of emotions, feelings and general ups and downs that accompany a death of someone so close to you that you thought you were of one body. I have been inspired all along this journey to do things that I never thought I could do. Writing poetry, blogs, and books was definitely not in my sights prior to Barb dying. It was only through a series of what I called inspired thought and following the dots of ideas and peoples suggestions that I can now see that there was a bigger picture that had very intentional consequences. At the time I couldn't necessarily make sense of it, but I was being guided to come out of the darkness. The darkness is what everyone goes through when they have profound loss and each and everyone of us have to make that conscious decision to move through the darkness and come into the light. Even though in my story I have to admit that I made a demand that Barb participate in my life and that I couldn't do it alone, I am not sure that I really thought the answers would come the way they did. A friend asked me when does the mourning ever end. When I thought about that question, I realized that it doesn't end. It only changes. It changes to a more manageable and loving way to handle the grief. It only requires that you are open to the idea that their memory is really a gift, and as a gift it should be treated with the open arms of receiving their gift with thankfulness. I know now that Barb continues to guide me, make me laugh, and inspire me to make something of my life. She was my candle and when she combined with the current love of my life, they have made a great team of which I am truly honored to be apart of. I will forever be great full of the love that Barb showed me while alive and continues to show me in her death. I consider myself incredibly lucky to have two candles burning in my life. The end of the blog is simply that. This is the exact right timing to end a journey of discovery through death and life for me. It is not really the end but a beginning, linking the first life with the second. One is not better than the other, only different. I can't really see any further in the darkness than you can but I am willing to keep my past and my future illuminated with love and will enjoy the journey that is in front of me, knowing that I am indeed not alone on the trip. I understand one true and meaningful thought. The writing of this blog was a very important choice in my life. I use "choice" with emphasis as it requires me to reflect and to know that all the decisions I have made on this journey have been my choices. Yes, I can tell you that these choices at times were impacted by suggestions from others including inspired input from Barbara G Russell. But, one thing is clear to me. No amount of inspired input, suggestions from friends and family can influence someone if they are not ready to receive. So, in my cave, praying for help was choice. I am convinced that all humans have the unique characteristic of choice. Choosing to live, to die, to love and be loved. Choose to move forward or to stand still. Choose the path to the left or the right. I chose to write this blog and help heal myself with truth and pain in the effort to take one step at a time. In that, my hope is that by writing from the male perspective I was able to show that feelings are not the sole reward of the feminine. I hope in writing my story, I was able to touch the heart that needed opening, and if one person benefited from my journey then the benefit was immeasurable. The butterfly effect to me is that you do one thing and effect another. If you know someone that needs to read this story, then pass it on. You will be the butterfly. Bless you for your support of me and my journey and never give up. With thanks and humbleness I move forward.


NEVER ALONE-JIM BRICKMAN

MAY THE ANGELS PROTECT YOU
TROUBLE NEGLECT YOU, AND HEAVEN ACCEPT YOU WHEN IT'S TIME TO GO HOME
MAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE PLENTY
THE GLASS NEVER EMPTY AND KNOW IN YOUR BELLY, YOUR NEVER ALONE

MAY YOUR TEARS COME FROM LAUGHING
YOUR FIND FRIENDS WORTH HAVING AS EVERY YEAR PASSES, THEY MEAN MORE THAN GOLD
MAY YOU WIN AND STAY HUMBLE, SMILE MORE THAN GRUMBLE
AND KNOW WHEN YOU STUMBLE YOU'RE NEVER ALONE

WELL, I HAVE TO BE HONEST AS MUCH AS I WANTED
I'M NOT GONNA PROMISE THAT COLD WINDS WON'T BLOW
SO WHEN HARD TIMES HAVE FOUND YOU
AND YOUR FEARS SURROUND YOU
WRAP MY LOVE AROUND YOU, YOU'RE NEVER ALONE

NEVER ALONE, NEVER ALONE
I'LL BE IN EVERY BEAT OF YOUR HEART WHEN YOU FACE THE UNKNOWN
WHEREVER YOU FLY THIS ISN'T GOODBYE
MY LOVE WILL FOLLOW YOU, STAY WITH YOU, BABY
YOU'RE NEVER ALONE

THE JOURNEY: Being thankful at this time of year should be the obvious choice for anyone. After all it is the season to remember that someone special came into our lives and made a real difference in how we lived and moved forward through the smoke and mirrors of the distractions. I for one am so thankful to know that they cared enough to come and share their time here with me, guide me when they thought it was appropriate, pull me out of harms way at times and most of all surround me with that special love that only they could exude. Being thankful doesn't seem like enough for that special gift that they brought to us. I believe that passing the gift on would be the ultimate responsibility all of us, and a way for them to continue to help us share the gift. Thanks for coming, sharing, protecting and helping us be the gift to those around us.


YOU KNOW SOMEONE LOVES YOU


YOU CAN FEEL IT IN YOUR HEART
YOU CAN FEEL IT N YOUR BONES
YOU'RE NOT AFRAID TO GO AWAY
BECAUSE YOU KNOW THAT SOMEONE LOVES YOU

IT'S A WHOLE BODY EXPERIENCE
TO SEE THEM WHERE EVER YOU ARE
LOOSE THE NOISE
LISTEN TO THE SOUL
BECAUSE YOU KNOW THAT SOMEONE LOVES YOU

TIME WON'T TELL
BECAUSE IT DOESN'T EXIST
BE IN THE MOMENT
BECAUSE YOU KNOW THAT SOMEONE LOVES YOU

PEACEFUL REMINDER
HOW GOOD IT CAN FEEL
KNOWLEDGE IS RIGHT
BECAUSE YOU KNOW THAT SOMEONE LOVES YOU

THE JOURNEY: How do you know that you are doing the right thing when it comes to your own existence here on earth? Is it faith alone or a feeling? Do you re lie on your intuition or do you allow other people to make decisions for you. I know this may seem a little deep right now especially at Christmas time. But, for me it is the perfect time to reflect on what I'm doing and how I got here and most importantly how I make choices. Who is in charge so to speak. For me, I believe that I listen to the past, present and future using intuition, feelings, verbal clues and sometimes luck. I know one thing. In the waking up through death, I have become more out there and not willing to just continue what I was doing because it was easier and I could. Even though I am the same person, I am also not the same person. I move forward in a different but just as good a way, with intention and a love that I have never felt for myself. I know that I'm being watched over and guided by folks that want us to succeed. All of us have our own methods of doing the right thing through whatever methods that might be. I wish you well and that you realize that the right thing can be achieved by just opening yourself up to the different modalities being presented to you and that there truly is life after death.


WEIGHT


WEIGHED DOWN BY THE PAST
FREE TO FLY WITH THE FUTURE
SHAPED BY TOMORROW
WITH A FOOT IN THE DOOR OF YESTERDAY

SENSING A TIE BETWEEN IT ALL
NOT WILLING TO GIVE UP ANY
THE RIGHT OF EVERY HUMAN
RESIDES WITHIN THE JUGGLING ACT

CONTAINED WITHIN THE WHOLE
PERFECTED BY THE PIECES
REACHING OUT
TO CREATE THE PUZZLE OF LIFE

THE JOURNEY: Reflective thinking can sometimes be a burden. If you are always thinking at a deeper level and trying to figure out where you fit within the framework of life, you may just miss the simplicity of perfection. As it comes up to the two year anniversary of Barbs death, I know that I have done a lot to be reflective through writing and just paying attention to this wonderful and yes painful journey I've been on. But, I wonder when you loose someone whether you can fall into the trap of being overly profound and miss what is staring you in the face. His name is Jack and as I write this he has just come in from the backyard covered in mud. My yard during the winter in the the Northwest becomes a mud bog. Jack is a pure white West Highland Terrier, so when he decides that the neighborhood cat needs to be chased through our mud bog and will even attempt the ten point slide tackle, it is a done deal. So, as my now black dog sits here in front of me and looks up with those innocent eyes, I can't help but think that Jack is the simplicity of perfection. Thinking deeply is not necessarily helpful at moments like this. Seeing the reflection of me laughing in his eyes means just as much. Here's a reflective thought for you. I see a cleansing in someones future and a restoration to wholeness. Jack.......get back here.

BEING LOST


BEING LOST YOU CAN SEE THE STARS MORE CLEARLY
AND CONTEMPLATE WHO YOU ARE

BEING LOST MAKES WALKING QUIETER
AND LONELINESS EASIER TO TAKE

BEING LOST CREATES A VOID
INTO WHICH YOU CAN PUSH YOUR THOUGHTS

BEING LOST MAKES THINGS SEEM LESS IMPORTANT
AND GIVES MEANING TO THE SOURCE OF LIFE

LOST IN THOUGHT
LOST YOUR MIND
LOST YOUR WAY
LOST BETWEEN NIGHT AND DAY

IT ONLY REMAINS TO BE SEEN
IF THE IMPORTANCE IS BEING LOST
OR THE LOST NEEDS TO BE FOUND

THE JOURNEY: I realize that I spend a lot of my time waiting for something to happen. Since Barb died, my life is made up of connecting the dots in hopes that they will lead somewhere. I am so convinced that they will continue to guide me that I sometimes forget that it is not necessary to be like the kid on Christmas morning patiently waiting to see what is going to be in the box. It probably would be less stressful to just allow things to happen, notice them and then react. Instead I am always speculating what might happen next. The holidays are still hard for me personally even though I put on a great mask that everything is OK. The reality is that this will probably be the case for years to come. I guess that by waiting for something to happen, it is my way to cope and push the negative stuff way deep down inside and hide it under my grandmothers trunk in the basement. By waiting for something to happen I keep the possibilities of the future and the child like qualities alive within me. In a way, we are all waiting for something to happen. We live our lives, raise our families and rejoice that it is all leading somewhere special.



MIST


SEEING THROUGH THE MIST OF PERCEPTION
FIGHTING HARD TO SORT OUT THE HIDDEN MEANING

WHAT YOU GET IS A WORLD
THAT FITS YOUR IDEA
BUT NOT NECESSARILY THE WORLD AROUND YOU

IT'S NEVER EASY TO SORT THROUGH THE FOG
WHAT IS REAL AND WHAT IS NOT

IN THE END
IT IS WHAT YOU MAKE OF EVERYTHING YOU DO AND APPLY

THE JOURNEY: If you remember me writing last year how hard the holidays were, you would probably remember that my impression was that I would have been happy to not go through a holiday again. I mean, come on. Why would any of us want to subject ourselves to that kind of pain intentionally. So as the holidays approached, I anticipated trouble. It is not like we are waiting for it. The emotions are like someone peeking around the corner at you. They sneak up when you least expect it and remind you things that you hoped would hide a little longer. But it has now been almost two years and even though there is some angst, sadness, a little anger etc, there is also a sense of peace, and a knowing. The knowing is about understanding that when I first started writing this blog, I didn't care if anyone was reading. That wasn't what it was about. It was all about putting feelings to paper and finding out that it helped me in healing and taking one step at a time forward. As time went on I realized that folks were reading the blog and it took on some form of responsibility. Hearing from people that voiced their similar experiences made me realize that we aren't alone even if we think we are. Again thanks to you, healing continued for me in knowing that touching other people through writing was my avenue of rising out of the ashes. Finally, knowing that the holidays are gentler now because of the journey I've taken, makes me want to thank all of you for listening and caring and being part of the healing team. If the book form of this is one day published I hope that we can continue to help others heal through our combined experiences. Thank you all for your friendship, love and input into this humble soul. Happy Holidays




PAST AND FUTURE



SWINGING BETWEEN PAST AND FUTURE
CAN SOMETIMES EFFECT YOUR EQUILIBRIUM
FOCUSING ON ONE ONLY
CAN EFFECT YOUR WHOLENESS

BEING WITHIN BOTH
DOES REQUIRE THE FOCUS
TO GRASP THAT LIFE IS NOT
MADE UP OF ONE OR THE OTHER

YOU CAN BE IN THE PAST AND THE FUTURE
ALLOWING BOTH TO GUIDE YOU
ON THE ROAD TO DISCOVERY

THE JOURNEY: Forty years from now I want to look you in the eyes and say "thank you for the journey". Sometimes I truly wonder what I'm going to write about. So, I will occasionally throw the question out to the universe and see what happens. That is the interesting thing about inspired thought. You never know when it is going to hit you and who might be sending you the message. So, that line came to me with intention and full body goose bumps. That is when I pay attention. The statement seems simple enough on the surface, but of course there always seems to be double meanings in these inspirational pulses that arrive unexpectedly. Being the reporter type, I decided to analyze it. It could mean that when it is my time to go, I get to look Barbara in the face and thank her for saving my butt, hooking me up with incredible friends of the past and future and for telling me to wake up and pay attention to the incredible opportunities that I got to participate in. It could mean thanking my second life love for the patience of seeing the journey through with me. I would be overwhelmingly humbled to think that I was able to be connected to two beautiful souls and live such a profound and rewarding life that included such great kids that allowed me to be their father. Of course I am just ad-libbing here but I get the sense that what I'm suppose to say is that if you have lost someone in your life, you need to be told that it is OK to plan for the future. You survived for a reason and to be able to honor your past and your future with thanksgiving is what you need to give yourself as a present.




EAGLE


I HEARD THE EAGLE FROM A DISTANCE
NEVER SEEING ITS FLIGHT
TO SWOOP OVER THE RIVER
RETRIEVING FISH FOR ITS FAMILY

FAITH IN KNOWING THE EAGLE IS THERE
IS ENOUGH FOR THE MOMENT
REALIZING I DON'T NEED TO SEE THINGS
TO BELIEVE OF THEIR EXISTENCE

WITHOUT FAITH
THERE IS THE NEED FOR PROOF
IMAGINATION ONLY REQUIRES
THE FAITH TO BELIEVE SO HARD
THAT YOU KNOW ITS EXISTENCE IS REAL