THE JOURNEY: Over the past year I have gotten into the habit of talking to myself. I probably always did it but I notice it now. I think that I am trying to determine if I will have a good answer to one of my many questions about life and death. After all, if I talk to myself I don't have to subject anyone else to these uncomfortable questions. So with that in mind I was asking myself what "normal" was. According to the dictionary it means regular, usual or natural. I think that my normal has shifted away from center. When you are with someone for so long, normal becomes second nature. A daily existence that is always there. You can count on it and set your clock to it. But what I have noticed is that normal after loosing someone no longer looks the same. It has noticeably shifted to reflect a new version, and in a way it takes you away from that previous comfort zone. Survival depends on you being able to perceive this shift, adjust to the new normality and grasp its significance. Moving into and accepting this new normality has allowed me to desire this new life inspite of keeping one hand grasped on to my old center. I am assuming that eventually I will let go when the time feels right.

FREEDOM

SLOWLY GLIDING OVER THE MUD FLATS
WHITE SHELLS LITTER THE BOTTOM
FLAT FISH DART IN ALL DIRECTIONS
SEEKING PEACE FROM THE WORLD

FLOWING WITH THE CURRENT
FEELING YOU ARE HARDLY MOVING
BIRDS FISH IN THE SHALLOWS
SEA LIONS POKE THEIR HEADS ABOVE THE WAVES
LETTING GO OF ALL SOUNDS OF MANKIND

CATCHING THE FAST MOVING WATER
MOVING QUICKLY IN THE CANOE
REQUIRES LITTLE EFFORT
FREEING YOURSELF TO FEEL THE SUN

FINDING PEACE
LETTING GO
FREEDOM
SEEK THEM IN EVERYTHING YOU DO
LOOK AT WHAT IS IN FRONT OF YOU AND PAY ATTENTION

THE JOURNEY: I'm going to be honest here. Being a person on an emotional roller coaster really sucks. As a man, somewhere in the back of my mind I am reminded that we don't show emotion. Well let me tell you, I identify with people that are manic in nature. You can be so happy one second and then a bolt of lightning can hit you and you find yourself a wiggling bowl of jello. A picture, a song, a smell, or a voice can all lead to these wild ups and downs. I am not saying that it's not normal, but it is just darn exhausting. Your hoping that it will end some day, but at the same time it is what keep you connected. So you keep moving forward, not knowing what is around the corner to provoke or be a joy. Huh, sounds like life.

A NEED TO BE SAD

A NEED TO BE SAD LOOMS
LIKE GROUND HUGGING FOG
COVERING EVERYTHING IN ITS PATH

SUN BREAKS THROUGH
SHINING INTO THE FACE
MUSIC OF THE ANGELS
PLAYS IN THE MIND

TIME DOESN'T CHANGE ANYTHING
IT ONLY PUTS SPACE INTO THE SADNESS
WAITING FOR THE WAVE TO BREAK OVER THE ROCK
BRINGS MOMENTARY RELIEF

TAKE THE SADNESS WITH YOU
USE IT WISELY
GO INTO THE FUTURE
KNOWING YOU CAN
AND SOMEHOW GROW TO MEET YOURSELF

THE JOURNEY: Discovery of yourself can be shocking at times. You think that you are strong, and that your are becoming an independent person for the first time in over thirty years. And then you realize that your are actually relying on others in your life to keep yourself in the same state of being that you are so used to. I think that being aware that you want to move forward in your human-ness is a good step in understanding that the process is harder than you think. It takes time and effort to take control of the forces that keep you from moving in the direction you want to go. I understand now that it is a balancing act between independence and reliance. Both are good, but controlling the mixture makes a better recipe.

SLOW TREADMILL

I FEEL LIKE I'M ON A SLOW TREADMILL AND RUNNING FAST
MY HEART KNOWS THERE IS AN ANSWER
MY MIND WANTS IT NOW

FOR EVERY QUESTION THERE IS AN ANSWER
BUT I CAN'T HEAR IT
BECAUSE I'M RUNNING TOO FAST

LIFES MYSTERIES ARE AT MY FINGERTIPS
COMMUNICIATION IS JUST A HEARTBEAT AWAY
BUT MY PACE NEEDS TO SLOW TO THE RIGHT SPEED

LINKING THE ENERGY BY REQUEST
COMING INTO ALIGNMENT WITH THE VIBRATION ON BOTH SIDES
REQUIRES LITTLE BUT INTENTION

SO NOW THAT THE ANSWER IS KNOWN
SLOW DOWN
TAKE A BREATH
REQUIRE NOTHING
AND THE CONNECTION WILL OCCUR BECAUSE IT CAN

THE JOURNEY: I was walking out of the grocery store a while back, and saw a gentleman walking in. Now that is not unusual of course, but it was how he was walking in that stood out. Tears streaming down his face, walking very slowly, sagging shoulders and a dazed expression that said he didn't know or care what was going on around him. I immediately saw myself from nine months earlier. I thought about stopping him and telling him I know what he is going through. It is interesting that what really happened was that intuition kicked in and stopped me. No matter what was happening to him at that exact moment or me earlier, it was ours and ours alone. Allowing someone to grieve without interference sometimes is the most valuable gift you can give. "Know when to hold um, and know when to walk away"

TACKLING GHOSTS

THOSE THAT GO HOME BEFORE US
TAKE WITH THEM SMALL PIECES
OF EACH OF US LEFT BEHIND

LOOKING OVER A LIFE TIME SO FAR
WE ARE SURROUNDED BY MEMORIES
OF FATHERS, MOTHERS, SISTERS AND BROTHERS
SONS AND DAUGHTERS, GRANDMOTHERS AND GRANDFATHERS

YOU CHOOSE HOW YOU TREAT THE GHOSTS OF THE PAST
FREEDOM COMES WHEN YOU CAN REMEMBER
EACH AND EVERYONE OF THEM
AS CONTRIBUTING TO YOUR CURRENT PATH

GOOD OR BAD, HAPPY OR SAD
TACKLE THE GHOSTS WITH GRACE
KEEP YOUR HEART OPEN TO THE LESSONS LEARNED
AND REJOICE THAT THEY ARE STILL WITH YOU

THE JOURNEY: I Just returned from a vacation to the Virgin Islands. My eldest son and daughter inlaw thought that because I had not had a vacation in a long time, that I needed to get away from the unseen risks associated with the death of a spouse. So I flew across the country, took three planes, two taxis, and a ferry to get to the hope of my salvation. Once I got over the travel shock, I looked around and realized where I was. It suddenly occurred to me that you can travel around the world and still be in the same mental frame of mind no matter where you go. So....day three I swam with the fish and found something I had lost. ME. Swimming with millions of juvenile fish and thinking you can walk on their backs to the beach is a life altering experience. My suggestion for anyone that has lost a spouse is to look at yourself when your ready and find your passion. This in turn will help in finding the real YOU, and we all know how important that is in moving on. Swim with the fish, adopt a dog, volunteer in your community. Find yourself and your passion. I will be there to cheer you on.

IGNORING A MIRACLE

HOW CAN YOU IGNORE A MIRACLE
THAT FORMS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU
BEAUTY IN NATURE
IS SO PROFOUND
WHEN YOU ARE AT YOUR LOWEST
IT SLAPS YOU IN THE FACE

PINK CLOUDS AT SUNSET
RAINBOW TOUCHING THE GROUND
LIGHT SHOWERS WETTING THE PAPER
EAGLE CIRCLING OVERHEAD

CHOICE IS SO EASY
EACH OF US DETERMINES THE WAY TO GO
EVERY DIRECTION IS CORRECT
ONLY YOU CAN FIND YOUR PATH

CHOOSE A MIRACLE
LET IT GO BY
SEE IT IF YOU WANT TO
OR LIVE WITHOUT IT
IT IS ALL RIGHT

THE JOURNEY: We have been going to Manzanita Beach for a long time as a family and a couple. So it seemed appropriate that for Thanksgiving we should go to the place that means so much to us. I was in complete control of my emotions, blocking out the fact that this was the first Thanksgiving without Barb. I had my armour on and was well protected until one of my sons asked, "how are you doing dad"? IT IS AMAZING, how fast cracks can appear in your armour. Dang, you think you are in control and life lets you know you aren't. Lets just say that the rest of the day was spent trying to grey tape the armour together. You gotta love grey tape. Mercifully the day ended with a hope that the next day would be brighter. It was.

WHERE ARE YOU

WHAT IS THE ANSWER TO MY QUESTION, "WHERE ARE YOU"
YOU'RE IN THE GENTLE BREEZE BRUSHING MY CHEEK
YOU'RE IN THE FLOCK PLAYING WITH THE BIRDS
YOU'RE IN THE AIR FLOATING WITH THE SEED
YOU'RE IN MY MIND PLAYING WITH ME

YOU BEGIN TO ARRIVE THE DAY YOU DIED
TO REMIND ME THAT LIFE HAS MEANING AND WE'RE NEVER APART
I'VE BEEN WAITING TO CONTINUE THE CONVERSATION
NOW REALIZING THAT WE'VE BEEN DOING IT ALL ALONG

SO I'M GOING TO STOP ASKING "WHERE ARE YOU"
INSTEAD I'M GOING TO FEEL YOU IN EVERYTHING I DO
GENTLE PEACE
QUIET CONTEMPLATION
ANGER AND DEVOTION

IT DOESN'T MATTER
BECAUSE I KNOW YOU'RE HERE
FOREVER CONNECTED
REALIZING THE FEAR

THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME THAT YOUR PRESENCE BEGINS
AND ENDS WITH THE THOUGHT
THAT I DON'T HAVE TO ASK, "WHERE YOU ARE"

THE JOURNEY: I definitely can't talk for everyone else that has lost someone, but for myself, holidays have been extraordinarily hard this year. The two big ones are coming up and of course they are the ones that Barb most treasured. I just realized yesterday that I have done nothing. I have not collected gifts for the past two months and hidden them in the closet. I have not gone to the Dollar store and bought out the candy section. I have not put any thought into what to get special friends and family members. And something I have personally done for 25 years was to decorate the outside of the house with lights and moving animals has not really crossed my mind. Now that I am thinking about it my question is what the heck is going on? I believe in my heart I have been doing my own version of a peaceful protest. Yea, I know.....flashback. Without getting too analytical on myself, I think that it is one of the few ways that I can still protest what has happened. A really close friend reminded me that traditions are not just mine but are a shared experience. The lesson here for those of us on this ship is to not forget the important things we have done in the past. Get involved, get input, make changes if you want to but don't let your protest change what is important to remember. It may hurt, but instead of protesting,think of the traditions of your life as a gift.

QUIET PEACE

FLOATING THROUGH TIME
WAITING FOR SOMETHING TO HAPPEN
THE LONGER YOU GET AWAY
DEATH STOPS TAKING SUCH A FIRM GRIP

REFLECTING ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL NOW
SEEMS SO HARD TO PLACE INTO PERSPECTIVE
BUT SO MUCH HAS OCCURRED
SINCE YOUR FORMER REALITY

THE ONLY RELIANCE
IS TO TAKE STOCK ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL
AND LET LOVE GUIDE YOU
TO A PLACE THAT WAS SO HARD TO GET TOO

WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE?
WHERE ARE YOU?
I HAVE COME TO A PLACE THAT EVERYONE SEEKS
THE PLACE OF QUIET PEACE