THE JOURNEY: Sometimes you need to step away from yourself and look at the bigger picture. Since starting this blog it has been about my journey and the relationship to my family as well as all the emotions that have gone into recovery. What happened this week in Haiti puts life and death onto a whole different playing field. There are no words to describe the feelings and emotions that the folks of Haiti are going through right now. I in my own little bubble with my own little problems look at what is on television and can only imagine loosing my entire family, let alone every child. My heart goes out for the great loss in Haiti. It will take a very long time for them to recover both physically and spiritually. My hope is that each and everyone of them will have the love and support that I have had, but short of that at least get the help they need.

LIFE AND DEATH

SEEN BY ITSELF
THE RANDOMNESS OF LIFE AND DEATH
CREATE A COMPLICATED MESSAGE TO THE MASSES

SEEN WITHIN THE BIGGER PICTURE
OF TIME AND SPACE
AND SPIRIT AND GRACE
BRINGS DIFFERENT CONCLUSIONS

MISSING SOMEONE IS ALL AND GOOD
BUT SEEING THEM IN A BETTER PLACE
BRINGS IMPORTANCE TO THE EXISTENCE
OF THE HUMAN RACE

IT TIES THE CIRCLE
OF WHY WE ARE ALL HERE
PUTTING THINGS INTO PERSPECTIVE
WITH A SENSE OF COMPLETION

THE JOURNEY: During the process of coming through the darkness of the first six months, I did not cook at all. My kids and I were on survival mode and lived strictly on frozen meals that I could find. Not only did I have a very limited cooking vocabulary but I had not interest. None.
Walking into the kitchen one day I saw everyone standing in front of the open refrigerator, staring and grumbling something about fresh foods. I knew then that I needed to step up to the reality plate and figure out something. Do you know that some genius invented something called the crock pot. It is this thing that you can put a whole lot of things into in the morning and magically have a dinner at the end of the day. To me it was a lesson in life. Take a bunch of ingredients that include friendship, good advice and love from family and friends. Put them into an empty pot. Turn on the life lights, stir and watch what happens. What you get is a new look that doesn't necessarily look like what was put into the pot in the first place, but hopefully something that is new and improved. My promise was to cook twice a week from that point on. I love the crock pot. I would like to thank who ever invented such an amazing thing for not only making me a great cook but a better and improved version of myself.

THE LEAF

THE LEAF HANGS ON
WITH WINTER IN FULL STRIDE
FLUTTERING IN THE BREEZE
DARING ANYONE TO KNOCK IT OFF

IT STRIVES TO KEEP BEING
TO BE THE LAST ONE STANDING
IN ITS COMMUNICATION WITH GOD

IT DOESN'T REALIZE
THAT JUST LETTING GO
BRINGS IT CLOSER
THAN IT HAS EVER BEEN
TO THE SOURCE IT SEEKS

LESSONS ARE LEARNED
BUT OFTEN TIMES IT'S FAITH
ISN'T STRONG ENOUGH
AND SO IT HOLDS ON

THE JOURNEY: Over the past year I have gotten into the habit of talking to myself. I probably always did it but I notice it now. I think that I am trying to determine if I will have a good answer to one of my many questions about life and death. After all, if I talk to myself I don't have to subject anyone else to these uncomfortable questions. So with that in mind I was asking myself what "normal" was. According to the dictionary it means regular, usual or natural. I think that my normal has shifted away from center. When you are with someone for so long, normal becomes second nature. A daily existence that is always there. You can count on it and set your clock to it. But what I have noticed is that normal after loosing someone no longer looks the same. It has noticeably shifted to reflect a new version, and in a way it takes you away from that previous comfort zone. Survival depends on you being able to perceive this shift, adjust to the new normality and grasp its significance. Moving into and accepting this new normality has allowed me to desire this new life inspite of keeping one hand grasped on to my old center. I am assuming that eventually I will let go when the time feels right.

FREEDOM

SLOWLY GLIDING OVER THE MUD FLATS
WHITE SHELLS LITTER THE BOTTOM
FLAT FISH DART IN ALL DIRECTIONS
SEEKING PEACE FROM THE WORLD

FLOWING WITH THE CURRENT
FEELING YOU ARE HARDLY MOVING
BIRDS FISH IN THE SHALLOWS
SEA LIONS POKE THEIR HEADS ABOVE THE WAVES
LETTING GO OF ALL SOUNDS OF MANKIND

CATCHING THE FAST MOVING WATER
MOVING QUICKLY IN THE CANOE
REQUIRES LITTLE EFFORT
FREEING YOURSELF TO FEEL THE SUN

FINDING PEACE
LETTING GO
FREEDOM
SEEK THEM IN EVERYTHING YOU DO
LOOK AT WHAT IS IN FRONT OF YOU AND PAY ATTENTION

THE JOURNEY: I'm going to be honest here. Being a person on an emotional roller coaster really sucks. As a man, somewhere in the back of my mind I am reminded that we don't show emotion. Well let me tell you, I identify with people that are manic in nature. You can be so happy one second and then a bolt of lightning can hit you and you find yourself a wiggling bowl of jello. A picture, a song, a smell, or a voice can all lead to these wild ups and downs. I am not saying that it's not normal, but it is just darn exhausting. Your hoping that it will end some day, but at the same time it is what keep you connected. So you keep moving forward, not knowing what is around the corner to provoke or be a joy. Huh, sounds like life.

A NEED TO BE SAD

A NEED TO BE SAD LOOMS
LIKE GROUND HUGGING FOG
COVERING EVERYTHING IN ITS PATH

SUN BREAKS THROUGH
SHINING INTO THE FACE
MUSIC OF THE ANGELS
PLAYS IN THE MIND

TIME DOESN'T CHANGE ANYTHING
IT ONLY PUTS SPACE INTO THE SADNESS
WAITING FOR THE WAVE TO BREAK OVER THE ROCK
BRINGS MOMENTARY RELIEF

TAKE THE SADNESS WITH YOU
USE IT WISELY
GO INTO THE FUTURE
KNOWING YOU CAN
AND SOMEHOW GROW TO MEET YOURSELF

THE JOURNEY: Discovery of yourself can be shocking at times. You think that you are strong, and that your are becoming an independent person for the first time in over thirty years. And then you realize that your are actually relying on others in your life to keep yourself in the same state of being that you are so used to. I think that being aware that you want to move forward in your human-ness is a good step in understanding that the process is harder than you think. It takes time and effort to take control of the forces that keep you from moving in the direction you want to go. I understand now that it is a balancing act between independence and reliance. Both are good, but controlling the mixture makes a better recipe.

SLOW TREADMILL

I FEEL LIKE I'M ON A SLOW TREADMILL AND RUNNING FAST
MY HEART KNOWS THERE IS AN ANSWER
MY MIND WANTS IT NOW

FOR EVERY QUESTION THERE IS AN ANSWER
BUT I CAN'T HEAR IT
BECAUSE I'M RUNNING TOO FAST

LIFES MYSTERIES ARE AT MY FINGERTIPS
COMMUNICIATION IS JUST A HEARTBEAT AWAY
BUT MY PACE NEEDS TO SLOW TO THE RIGHT SPEED

LINKING THE ENERGY BY REQUEST
COMING INTO ALIGNMENT WITH THE VIBRATION ON BOTH SIDES
REQUIRES LITTLE BUT INTENTION

SO NOW THAT THE ANSWER IS KNOWN
SLOW DOWN
TAKE A BREATH
REQUIRE NOTHING
AND THE CONNECTION WILL OCCUR BECAUSE IT CAN

THE JOURNEY: I was walking out of the grocery store a while back, and saw a gentleman walking in. Now that is not unusual of course, but it was how he was walking in that stood out. Tears streaming down his face, walking very slowly, sagging shoulders and a dazed expression that said he didn't know or care what was going on around him. I immediately saw myself from nine months earlier. I thought about stopping him and telling him I know what he is going through. It is interesting that what really happened was that intuition kicked in and stopped me. No matter what was happening to him at that exact moment or me earlier, it was ours and ours alone. Allowing someone to grieve without interference sometimes is the most valuable gift you can give. "Know when to hold um, and know when to walk away"

TACKLING GHOSTS

THOSE THAT GO HOME BEFORE US
TAKE WITH THEM SMALL PIECES
OF EACH OF US LEFT BEHIND

LOOKING OVER A LIFE TIME SO FAR
WE ARE SURROUNDED BY MEMORIES
OF FATHERS, MOTHERS, SISTERS AND BROTHERS
SONS AND DAUGHTERS, GRANDMOTHERS AND GRANDFATHERS

YOU CHOOSE HOW YOU TREAT THE GHOSTS OF THE PAST
FREEDOM COMES WHEN YOU CAN REMEMBER
EACH AND EVERYONE OF THEM
AS CONTRIBUTING TO YOUR CURRENT PATH

GOOD OR BAD, HAPPY OR SAD
TACKLE THE GHOSTS WITH GRACE
KEEP YOUR HEART OPEN TO THE LESSONS LEARNED
AND REJOICE THAT THEY ARE STILL WITH YOU

THE JOURNEY: I Just returned from a vacation to the Virgin Islands. My eldest son and daughter inlaw thought that because I had not had a vacation in a long time, that I needed to get away from the unseen risks associated with the death of a spouse. So I flew across the country, took three planes, two taxis, and a ferry to get to the hope of my salvation. Once I got over the travel shock, I looked around and realized where I was. It suddenly occurred to me that you can travel around the world and still be in the same mental frame of mind no matter where you go. So....day three I swam with the fish and found something I had lost. ME. Swimming with millions of juvenile fish and thinking you can walk on their backs to the beach is a life altering experience. My suggestion for anyone that has lost a spouse is to look at yourself when your ready and find your passion. This in turn will help in finding the real YOU, and we all know how important that is in moving on. Swim with the fish, adopt a dog, volunteer in your community. Find yourself and your passion. I will be there to cheer you on.

IGNORING A MIRACLE

HOW CAN YOU IGNORE A MIRACLE
THAT FORMS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU
BEAUTY IN NATURE
IS SO PROFOUND
WHEN YOU ARE AT YOUR LOWEST
IT SLAPS YOU IN THE FACE

PINK CLOUDS AT SUNSET
RAINBOW TOUCHING THE GROUND
LIGHT SHOWERS WETTING THE PAPER
EAGLE CIRCLING OVERHEAD

CHOICE IS SO EASY
EACH OF US DETERMINES THE WAY TO GO
EVERY DIRECTION IS CORRECT
ONLY YOU CAN FIND YOUR PATH

CHOOSE A MIRACLE
LET IT GO BY
SEE IT IF YOU WANT TO
OR LIVE WITHOUT IT
IT IS ALL RIGHT