THE JOURNEY: I realize that I spend a lot of my time waiting for something to happen. Since Barb died, my life is made up of connecting the dots in hopes that they will lead somewhere. I am so convinced that they will continue to guide me that I sometimes forget that it is not necessary to be like the kid on Christmas morning patiently waiting to see what is going to be in the box. It probably would be less stressful to just allow things to happen, notice them and then react. Instead I am always speculating what might happen next. The holidays are still hard for me personally even though I put on a great mask that everything is OK. The reality is that this will probably be the case for years to come. I guess that by waiting for something to happen, it is my way to cope and push the negative stuff way deep down inside and hide it under my grandmothers trunk in the basement. By waiting for something to happen I keep the possibilities of the future and the child like qualities alive within me. In a way, we are all waiting for something to happen. We live our lives, raise our families and rejoice that it is all leading somewhere special.



MIST


SEEING THROUGH THE MIST OF PERCEPTION
FIGHTING HARD TO SORT OUT THE HIDDEN MEANING

WHAT YOU GET IS A WORLD
THAT FITS YOUR IDEA
BUT NOT NECESSARILY THE WORLD AROUND YOU

IT'S NEVER EASY TO SORT THROUGH THE FOG
WHAT IS REAL AND WHAT IS NOT

IN THE END
IT IS WHAT YOU MAKE OF EVERYTHING YOU DO AND APPLY

THE JOURNEY: If you remember me writing last year how hard the holidays were, you would probably remember that my impression was that I would have been happy to not go through a holiday again. I mean, come on. Why would any of us want to subject ourselves to that kind of pain intentionally. So as the holidays approached, I anticipated trouble. It is not like we are waiting for it. The emotions are like someone peeking around the corner at you. They sneak up when you least expect it and remind you things that you hoped would hide a little longer. But it has now been almost two years and even though there is some angst, sadness, a little anger etc, there is also a sense of peace, and a knowing. The knowing is about understanding that when I first started writing this blog, I didn't care if anyone was reading. That wasn't what it was about. It was all about putting feelings to paper and finding out that it helped me in healing and taking one step at a time forward. As time went on I realized that folks were reading the blog and it took on some form of responsibility. Hearing from people that voiced their similar experiences made me realize that we aren't alone even if we think we are. Again thanks to you, healing continued for me in knowing that touching other people through writing was my avenue of rising out of the ashes. Finally, knowing that the holidays are gentler now because of the journey I've taken, makes me want to thank all of you for listening and caring and being part of the healing team. If the book form of this is one day published I hope that we can continue to help others heal through our combined experiences. Thank you all for your friendship, love and input into this humble soul. Happy Holidays




PAST AND FUTURE



SWINGING BETWEEN PAST AND FUTURE
CAN SOMETIMES EFFECT YOUR EQUILIBRIUM
FOCUSING ON ONE ONLY
CAN EFFECT YOUR WHOLENESS

BEING WITHIN BOTH
DOES REQUIRE THE FOCUS
TO GRASP THAT LIFE IS NOT
MADE UP OF ONE OR THE OTHER

YOU CAN BE IN THE PAST AND THE FUTURE
ALLOWING BOTH TO GUIDE YOU
ON THE ROAD TO DISCOVERY

THE JOURNEY: Forty years from now I want to look you in the eyes and say "thank you for the journey". Sometimes I truly wonder what I'm going to write about. So, I will occasionally throw the question out to the universe and see what happens. That is the interesting thing about inspired thought. You never know when it is going to hit you and who might be sending you the message. So, that line came to me with intention and full body goose bumps. That is when I pay attention. The statement seems simple enough on the surface, but of course there always seems to be double meanings in these inspirational pulses that arrive unexpectedly. Being the reporter type, I decided to analyze it. It could mean that when it is my time to go, I get to look Barbara in the face and thank her for saving my butt, hooking me up with incredible friends of the past and future and for telling me to wake up and pay attention to the incredible opportunities that I got to participate in. It could mean thanking my second life love for the patience of seeing the journey through with me. I would be overwhelmingly humbled to think that I was able to be connected to two beautiful souls and live such a profound and rewarding life that included such great kids that allowed me to be their father. Of course I am just ad-libbing here but I get the sense that what I'm suppose to say is that if you have lost someone in your life, you need to be told that it is OK to plan for the future. You survived for a reason and to be able to honor your past and your future with thanksgiving is what you need to give yourself as a present.




EAGLE


I HEARD THE EAGLE FROM A DISTANCE
NEVER SEEING ITS FLIGHT
TO SWOOP OVER THE RIVER
RETRIEVING FISH FOR ITS FAMILY

FAITH IN KNOWING THE EAGLE IS THERE
IS ENOUGH FOR THE MOMENT
REALIZING I DON'T NEED TO SEE THINGS
TO BELIEVE OF THEIR EXISTENCE

WITHOUT FAITH
THERE IS THE NEED FOR PROOF
IMAGINATION ONLY REQUIRES
THE FAITH TO BELIEVE SO HARD
THAT YOU KNOW ITS EXISTENCE IS REAL

THEY JOURNEY: All I wanted was clam chowder. I'll get back to that in a minute. Turning points in ones life can take many forms. You can have an experience that is so profound that you will never look at things the same way. You can get angry at your deceased spouse and get a response that tells you she is listening. You can have love in your life that surprises you because you weren't sure that you would feel it again. Or you could go looking for clam chowder on the Oregon coast and not find it anywhere. You keep driving in the pitch black and pouring rain not really understanding why you are doing it. You end up at a state park with no name and as you enter the parking lot, you realize that you have entered some sort of calm in the storm. There is no rain and the sky is so clear that the stars are the most brilliant jewels in the sky you have ever seen. Venus is like a glowing orb and the big dipper is so bright as it hangs low on the horizon. It actually feels like you can reach out and touch it. You hear the breeze and the surf as one source of sound like a steady and strong heartbeat. Turning points to me are ones that take you away from your planned goal and lead you to an unexpected and profound emotional and spiritual uplift. It is your choice as to whether you pay attention. I am guessing experiences like this don't happen every day. It's funny, I noticed clam chowder everywhere the next day on the way home. Well isn't that interesting!





SYNCHRONICITY


ONE THING HAPPENS
ANOTHER COMES ALONG
WITHOUT MUCH THOUGHT
THEY BOTH TIE TOGETHER

THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON
NOT BY CHANCE
THERE ARE NO COINCIDENCES
IF YOU JUST RELAX AND LOOK

PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT'S HAPPENING
AROUND AND THROUGH YOU
DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU
THAT SYNCHRONICITY IS A DREAM

THE JOURNEY: Where did all these colors come from? The light, the warmth of the sun, the wind in the trees. Trust me, I've seen fall colors before. I have see light come through the trees and watched the wind gently sway the branches. That is not what I'm talking about. The only way I can describe what is going on with my senses is to guess what birth would be like. Coming out would have to be brilliant in color, sound, etc. If you could speak I would think it would be one of those wow moments. I think the term of being reborn has been over used but it really does describe the sights, sounds, and feelings when you suddenly find that enough time has transpired to be able to step into the world that has been there the whole time you have been gone. I really do like wow moments and always find them fascinating and beyond my normal words of explanation. To feel alive with purpose and intention is not something that I thought would be possible again, but I realize that profound moments are Gods way of saying "wake up". Gotta go, I have a rainbow to chase.





TRANSFORMATION



FORMED BY GRIEF
HEALED BY LOVE
TRANSFORMED BY SPIRIT

WRITTEN WITHOUT WRITING
SPOKEN WITHOUT SPEAKING
FELT WITHOUT FEELINGS
KNOWN WITHOUT KNOWING

TRANSFORMATION BY DIVINE LOVE
INTO SECOND LIFE
YOU'RE NEVER ALONE
REACH OUT AND WRITE, SPEAK, FEEL AND KNOW

THE JOURNEY: Have you ever prayed, wondered, meditated, wished, hoped or just said something out loud and it was answered before you finished saying it. I'm always testing Barb and those that have gone on to show me a sign that I'm on the right path. Being a visual type of person, I just like to see these signs. Being a smart aleck sometimes, and with my sense of humor, it is no big deal for me to challenge the spirit world. I was in need for a sign and found a beautiful clear agate on the beach. I know they aren't common because I have spent so much time on the beach. So......being that I have an affinity for the number nine, I challenged Barb and anyone else listening to show me nine of these rocks on the way back to my car. I have a lot of faith that I would end up with exactly nine but since there are no rules when it comes to spirit, I just thought it would be fun to see how it played out. Well, you can guess what happened. Nine clear agates, faith validated, challenge accepted and brought home. You would think that I would learn that challenges are not necessary and that love crosses all boundaries. Perception is everything when it comes to miracles and they invented the sense of humor otherwise they wouldn't put up with me. I know that I will keep asking and looking and when it is my turn to go, we will have quite a conversation and laugh about how I kept trying to challenge them. We are all looking for a connection that gives feedback through validation. I believe that attempting to communicate with love, respect and intention is a form of leading with your heart and keeping an open mind to the possibilities within the human potential. Without the belief of this potential hope, and wonder of things we don't know anything about, we are only left with the cold proof of science. I find that unacceptable and boring at the same time.




YOU ARE WITH ME


HOW DO I KNOW YOU ARE WITH ME
ARE YOU HOLDING MY HAND
ARE YOU PUTTING YOUR ARM AROUND ME
ARE YOU WHISPERING IN MY EAR

I SEE YOUR FACE IN THE STARS
THE BRILLIANCE OF YOUR SOUL
SHINES BRIGHT

I HEAR YOUR VOICE IN THE BREEZE
A WELCOMING BREATH AGAINST MY EAR

I FEEL YOUR PRESENCE IN THE WILD
SURROUNDED BY THE LOVE
OF NATURES COMMITMENT

YOU ARE EVERYWHERE AND NOWHERE
ON THE OUTSIDE AND IN BETWEEN
COMPLETELY AND FOREVER
ALWAYS THERE TO ANSWER

THE JOURNEY: Why should I give a second thought to the place that was such a nemesis to me for at least six months after Barb died. That was the street corner that I would target which was approximately two miles from my house. At the time this street corner was the half way point on my self inflicted route to recovery. I can't stress how hard it was for me to get to that one spot on this big blue planet. It meant everything to me. All my life I have set goals for myself that were not only hard but could be realistically achieved and produce rewards at the same time. This particular goal of reaching the half way point of a walk was I have to admit now probably the hardest goal I had ever set for myself. Not only did it require and extraordinary amount of will power which I have to tell you I didn't think I had, but I had to overcome the negative self talk of it being worthwhile. I believe in setting goals and especially after the loss of someone in your life. You will fight it but ultimately it is what will bring you through the maze of lack of clarity and into the finding of who you really are. So now as I walk by this former goal I bow to its generosity in helping me on my path to a future that is goal oriented once again. I can look back with fondness and quite a bit of pain knowing that the street corner did its part in my story.





STREET CORNER SOBRIETY


REACHING A PLACE
THAT IN DAYS PAST REQUIRED SUCH STRENGTH
IS SOBERING IN ITS IMPACT

REALIZING THAT YOU CAN COME SO FAR
AND FIGHT OFF THE DEMONS THAT INFLATE THEIR VALUE
CONQUERING THE NEED TO SHRINK

OPENS UP THE POSSIBILITIES
TO BEGIN LIFE ANEW
WITH THE CONVICTION OF THE FUTURE
STRAPPED TO YOUR BACK