THE JOURNEY: Feelings.....how are you suppose to feel. The more time that goes by I notice that most people either expect you to move on or they totally ignore the elephant in the room. Before anyone gets concerned about whether I'm OK or not I'll answer that right now. Yes, I feel great. I write about things as they hit me, so I just have to go with it. So back to the subject. Moving on is an option if we are willing to let go of the past and focus on the future. Speaking from experience you can move on and not forget. I think what happens is that we put our "everything is OK mask" on and what people see is that we have moved on. And to be honest my guess is that is exactly what they want. But really it shouldn't be about what they want but do you feel comfortable within yourself to take the step you need to take. As far as the elephant, it is interesting that even though a lot of people know about the death, it is usually easier for them to focus on you. I don't think it is anything but a protective mechanism all around. So I think it is up to us to remember in an appropriate way whatever that means. I was driving to the coast for business on Highway 30 in Oregon and I noticed a large number of memorial markers along the road. I couldn't help but think about all these people that had lost their lives. The marker doesn't tell their individual story, and is not going to be there forever. At some point it will disappear and the future won't know about that person. When I write these blogs I press a button and it goes out into the ether continuing on forever in theory. It is like looking at a star that has already exploded in the past, but you are still seeing the light reach your eyes prior to the explosion. OK, this is pretty heavy but fascinating. So here is what I would like to propose. If you feel comfortable, send me a short story of your loved one. I will create a separate section in each weeks blog and post your story along with my normal writings. Here is the amazing thing about what will happen when I hit the send button. Long after all of us are gone, your story will still be traveling thought space and in my mind someone in the distant future will be able to tap into that energy and read about your loved one. Oh my gosh. It seems like such a simple yet profound way to remember them forever. You helped yourself move on big time and you don't have to worry about the elephant any more. I know for me personally the thought of Barb traveling through space forever is not only entertaining but breath taking. I look forward to hearing about your special person and being able to share them with the universe.

TALK TO THE WIND

TALK TO THE WIND
RIDE THE WAVE
SEE WHERE IT GOES
AND WHO IT WILL TOUCH NEXT

IT ALWAYS ANSWERS
THROUGH ITS GENTLE PUSHING AND PULLING
OF NATURES GIFT TO MANKIND
FEEL IT AGAINST YOUR SKIN
BE ONE WITH ITS FLOW

SURPRISE YOURSELF
OPEN YOUR HEART
BE WITH THE FRIEND THAT HAS ALWAYS BEEN THERE
AND NEVER EXPECTED ANYTHING IN RETURN

ALLOW THE WIND TO TAKE YOUR THOUGHTS
TO OTHER PEOPLE AND PLACES
MAYBE THEY WILL LISTEN
AND RETURN THE THOUGHT SOMEDAY

THE JOURNEY: If you could carry on a conversation with GOD, what would you say or ask? As I was sitting and watching a lacrosse game and seeing the sun hide in and out of the clouds, the thought of GOD calling me on my cell phone crossed my mind. And before you ask , no I don't sit around all day and think of these things. They just pop in unannounced seeing if I am going to react to them. Well, the visual alone of GOD calling on my cell phone was priceless. OK, so I'll play along. This is Mike, how can I help you? I've answered the phone like that for twenty five years so habits are hard to break. Oh, hi GOD, I'd like to sit and talk for awhile, if that is OK with you? I think I would want to know how her day went and if anything special happened. What is the weather like where you are? Is there weather? Or are you everywhere at the same time so you have it all? What is your favorite color and why? Oh and what about how humans treat each other on this planet? Is there right or wrong and does it really matter in the end? Do you really judge us or are we just on our own? This is probably where I would sneak in the question of why my wife had to die. I am kind of hoping that the big questions would be distracting and that last one would be easy to answer. I'd want to know if I am doing the right things for my family and if I am really going to make it. I would want to know if he likes the bathroom tile I put in and whether he thinks I'll ever finish that project. I would ask whey we just can't see our loved ones that are on the other side, so we can know everything is great with them. Is it really necessary that humans mourn so much? As a long time manager I always look for the efficient short cut. Pain just seems so darn consuming. I would want to know whether we are going to destroy ourselves or whether as I believe there is always hope. I'd want to know how she feels about things and whether guidance is there if we are just willing to open ourselves up to it. What advice can you give me personally that will allow me to believe that you are listening? I know this is all about faith and I really don't expect answers. It does make you think though. What questions would you ask? Think of this as an exercise in Death of A Spouse 101. Go ahead and ask your questions. Treat it like a cathartic moment. You are in control for once. Oh, and by the way. I am thinking you might want to answer the phone next time it rings. You never know who is going to be on the other end.


CATHARSIS

I NEED A CATHARSIS MOMENT
A MIRACLE UNSEEN
SAVING ME FROM MYSELF
TO PROVE WHAT I ALREADY HAVE

I NEED TO KNOW THE PATH
IS REALLY IN FRONT OF ME
THAT OUR VENTURE IS REAL
LOOKING FOR THAT SPARK
TO LIGHT MY WAY

YOU HAVE GIVEN ME EVERYTHING I HAVE ASKED FOR
THEN WHY DOES MY EGO MAKE ME THINK IT IS NOT ENOUGH

A CATHARSIS MOMENT IS ONLY AS GOOD
AS THAT MOMENT IN TIME
NEVER REALLY SATISFYING THE NEED TO KNOW IT ALL

I NEED TO BE ACCEPTING
THAT YOU WILL GIVE ME WHAT IS REQUIRED
AND STOP QUESTIONING THE FOREVER NATURE OF MY EGO'S GRIEF

THE JOURNEY: If a tree falls in the forest does anyone hear it? OK, how about this one. If a man slices the top of of his finger while no one is around, what do you hear? Well in my case let's just say that if anyone was around they would have heard some really creative words followed by manly bandage making. It did make me think though. While Barb was alive and the kids were younger I could count on someone being around if I did something stupid. In fact I remember being on an extension ladder hanging on for dear life and trying to cut a piece of aluminum at the roof line. Of course this was being done in front of a picture window with the whole family watching. Might as well make it interesting huh? Well you can guess what was going to happen. Yep...fingers slice faster than metal. Flying off the ladder without touching the rungs from that height was kind of tricky, but the vision I have was looking over at the window and seeing the family looking at me. That is family for you. But when I did basically the same thing the other day, no one was there. No wife, no kids, no sounds of the tree falling. It made me think about the changes that have occurred. Oh, it's still the same stupidity but I can only share it with myself now. And that is what hit home. For those of you that have family around, enjoy the day to day events because you never know about tomorrow. And when that still small voice in your head says to be careful, STEP AWAY FROM THE TOOLS and go do something safe.


SOME DAYS

SOME DAYS MOVE LIKE SNAILS
A SLOW PROGRESSION TO AN UNKNOWN OUTCOME

SOME DAYS SPEED LIKE THE COMET
GOING SO FAST BUT NOT TAKING ANYTHING IN

SOME DAYS REQUIRE A HERCULEAN EFFORT
TO PLACE ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER

SOME DAYS ARE SO EXCITING THAT YOU CAN'T WAIT
TO GET TO THE ENDING SO YOU CAN SEE IF IT MATCHED YOUR WISHES

BUT WHETHER IT IS A SNAILS PACE OR A COMETS TAIL
OR A TRIAL OF MOVEMENT OR THE MASTERED ENDING
YOU CREATE THE PICTURE OF WHAT YOU WANT TO SEE
AND SET IN MOTION THE OUTCOME OF YOUR DESTINY

THE JOURNEY: It occurred to me the other day to reflect on what I have learned in the last fourteen months since Barbs death. That sentence is easy to write down but another thing to actually answer. Surely there are things that I have learned that will affect the rest of my life here on this planet. Caught up in grief that was consuming for at least half that time taught me that men can get angry enough to think that they are rational to demand that communication continue. Not only communication, but the expectation of what I call the daily miracles. They are required and are a natural part of my daily life of moving forward. Come on now, don't normal people move on after someone dies and not require proof that they are listening? Heck, I don't know, I'm just asking the question. If I thought I was normal I probably wouldn't be writing this blog in the first place. I have learned that I can walk further than I thought, ride a bike and look cool at the same time and hike into the woods to listen for that voice that you can only hear when the wind is blowing through the trees. I've learned that a family can survive the loss and get stronger day by day. I have learned that kids are resilient and make it their quest to remind you that in some ways you now have become the child and also that your aren't allowed to die for a very long time. That would be unacceptable. I have learned how lonely life is without that long term relationship anymore. I have also learned that I can love again given the opportunity. I have learned that I can cook and I can also get overwhelmed by the monthly bills just like she did. I have also learned that life does not stop because someone dies and how painful that felt. Real emotions are a lesson that have changed me and I expect I will never again be complacent with things that are not important at a deep level. I have learned that I have to work really hard to care about my career only from the standpoint of where we are going and how important is it really. I have learned that I do have friends and people that love me even when I didn't have the strength to give it back. Wow, I guess I really did learn some lessons. Are they the right ones though? I sense that I will find that out some day. May your lessons be special and be guided by love like mine have. I will continue to learn and apply those lessons so that I can hope to maintain a direction that means something to myself and to those around me. I do realize that today is Easter and what that means to me. Hope arises in all of us and death isn't the end. No matter what you believe, your own lessons can strenghten you and help guide you after the death of someone that was important in your life.

SILENCE

FALLING INTO SILENCE
REFLECTING WHAT WAS LOST
ONLY THREATENS THE SECURITY
OF THE INDIVIDUAL

LIFE CONTINUES ONWARD
PEOPLE GO ABOU THEIR BUSINESS
THE AWARENESS OF THE WORLD
NEVER NOTICING THE DIMNESS OF THE INDIVIDUAL

EVENTUALLY PIECES OF A DIFFERENT PUZZLE
TRANSFORM THE NEW INDIVIDUAL
TO A DIFFERENT KIND OF WORLD
FOREVER CHANGING THE PAST

IT'S NOT BAD
IT'S NOT GOOD
IT'S NOT COMPLETE
IT'S NOT UNDERSTOOD

IT JUST IS
IT IS JUST CHOICES
WITHOUT IT
THERE IS NO MOVING FORWARD.

THE JOURNEY: AN OPEN LETTER TO GOD

Dear God,

Thank you for coming to listen. I hope this doesn't sound to petty. Sitting on the beach at sunset, watching the opaque green waves, I reflect on my relationship with you. I sometimes wonder whether what I thought was a relationship was just you putting up with the ego of a flawed human being. I always believed and even as a kid knew you were there. Through the ups and downs of my life, were you there with me? Or was it just blind luck that I made it this far? I remember so many times being physically saved and thinking it was you. But of course I went back to what I was doing which most of the time was raising a family. Over the past year there have been many times when I have been listening and have been amazed with the events going on around me. Spiritually I have grown so much and look forward to whatever outcome and path that you would like to help me with. But not unlike all people before me I wonder what the purpose is. Have I set this all up myself or am I carrying out huge planned life map? Do you really have an opinion on how it really turns out? Why do I sense your involvement in everything I do but a detachments that tells me it all ends up in the same place anyway? Is that it? There are so many paths that we can't see and we get to choose, but the end result is all the same. If that is the case, I would like to thank you for being along on the trip. Thank you for taking care of our loved ones that have already ventured your way and have that beach chair ready for me when the time is right. I would like to listen to the waves with you.

THE JOURNEY: Forgetting my anniversary. How is that even possible? March 14Th would have been our 35Th wedding anniversary. On the morning of the 15Th it suddenly dawned on me that I totally forgot about it. That was the first time unless you count the time I forgot the anniversary card at home while we were on vacation. Awkward, but wait. What does it mean? Is it some pseudo-analyzed mumbo jumbo explained reason? Like deep down after making it through this past year I some how intentionally blanked it out? That will teach you Barb! I am guessing she is a little too busy where she is at to put much thought into a particular day. Can it be that I really did not place any relevance on the date any more and have made it just another day? What do you think? After spending so long with someone that is not the answer. No, I have to rationalize that time for me just blends together now and even though the holidays and anniversaries last year were so extremely hard, I am being protected. Protected from the extremes of emotions that hurt. I guess I am going to think of it as Barbs gift to me for without that, I am just another selfish male that forgot an anniversary. And that just can't happen. Happy Anniversary.

A DAY IN TIME

A DAY IN TIME
SUDDENLY FORGOTTEN
MEANS ONLY THAT IT IS A DAY IN TIME

SEEKING MEANING
TO WHAT IS LEFT BEHIND
PUTS YOU AT THE CROSSROADS
OF YOUR TRUEST PURPOSE

WITHOUT TIME TO CONFUSE AND CONTORT
YOU ARE FREE TO CHOOSE WHAT IS AHEAD
WITHOUT REMORSE

NEVER REGRET
WHAT YOU CANNOT CONTROL
TIME ONLY PUTS LIMITS
WITHIN THE BOUNDARIES OF YOUR THINKING

EVERYTHING IS PERFECT
EVERYTHING HAS A REASON
SEEING THE TRUTH WITHOUT THE CONSTRAINTS
IS THE FREEDOM THAT WE ALL SEEK

THE JOURNEY:What does success in death mean to you? Does it mean you can now walk your dog through the neighborhood and actually look up and smile as people go by? Does it mean that you went and bought flowers for the oak barrel that has been neglected for the past year? Does it mean that you made chocolate chip cookies for the first time in God knows how long? Or did you just go for a ride without crying or talk to your kids about something stupid and inconsequential? As you have probably discovered from my past writings, there are no secret answers to this whole process. What there is are feelings, emotions, perceptions and the heart felt daily views of someone going through their own loss. I am finding that others share the need to know not what the pundits of grief say we should be experiencing, but what is it like on the day to day basis. I have definitely found it helpful to talk and write about this day to day reality. So back to the original question of what success in death means. Yes to all the above but remember its something different for everyone. There is no right or wrong. Being human means to me that I don't have to be like everyone around me and notice and react the same as they do. So create your own successes, notice life, react with your own style. And if you are not there yet, you will be and I wish you the best on your own very special journey.

LONG AND SHORT

THE LONGEST SHORTEST YEAR OF MY LIFE
BRINGS PEACE WHEN NEEDED
SADNESS WHEN REQUIRED
LONELINESS AROUND THE EDGES

IT FIGHTS TO CONQUER FEAR
CELEBRATES THE MANY VICTORIES
AND DARKENS THE DOORSTEP
WITH SURPRISING TIMING

REACHING OUT AND KNOWING
THAT THE FURTHER YOU GET AWAY
FROM THE LONGEST SHORTEST YEAR
WILL BRING PEACE AT LAST
TO THE PLACE YOU GOT AWAY FROM