THE JOURNEY: What is a perfect love. Is there such a thing? Does it require anything special to hold on to it? What does it feel like and can that feeling be maintained for a lifetime? I of course don't have the answers but as usual I have my opinions. I think there are so many kinds of love that a perfect love to me is one that I needed at a particular point in life. For instance, having been married for so long, Barbs love for me was perfect. It provided a base, security, a great family and most importantly a feeling of belonging. Were things perfect? Well, probably not, but I would imagine that we could all say that. But, it was a "perfect" love for me in the cosmic sense of things. So right it was like a glove that fits well. You know it in your heart. So when you lose that perfect love, you find yourself asking whether you will ever be able to find the glove that will fit so well again. And then it dawns on you that you have all the rest of your life to fill. So you start looking even though it might only be subconsciously. After all, you found the perfect love once, why not again. The problem is that definition of perfect. I think it can be confusing and un-necessary to expect perfection. I think we as humans want to put labels on things and that is why we are always looking for perfection. Why not just expect a relationship to be perfect for the moment and if it is not perfect at some point in the future, so be it. My point is, if you are really waiting for perfection then you might miss something that could have been important for your growth. You could also be transferring your definition onto some unsuspecting soul who wants nothing more than to be loved. Life is to short in what I call the "2ND life" to be hung up with comparisons in your past. Of course, mistakes will be made. Pain will definitely be present. But allowing yourself to be open to the possibilities of life in the long run will only bring the realization that there is life after death. So, what I am suggesting is that it is OK to allow yourself to take the chance and use your 2ND life to search, enjoy and just be who you need to be. in other words, be perfect to yourself.


THE GIFT

THE CALL OF THE BIRD AT NIGHT
THE LONE STAR IN THE SKY
REQUIRES SO LITTLE
TO SEE AND HEAR

THE DOG BARKS WITH NO ONE YELLING
THE LIGHT SHINES IN THE FACE OF THE WALKER
BE STILL AND USE THE SENSES

THE RUSTLE OF THE THE LEAVES UNDER YOUR FEET
THE GARAGE DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING
WITHOUT A CARE OF THE FAST PACED WORLD
ENTER THE SPACE THAT IS INSIDE OF YOU

EXPECT NOTHING
SENSE EVERYTHING
FEEL THE LOVE WITHIN YOURSELF
BEING AT PEACE NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE
IS A GIFT YOU DESERVE





THE LETTER-DECEMBER 25, 2008

DEAR DEAN,

I AM WRITING THIS LETTER TO YOU BECAUSE, AS DIFFICULT AS IT IS TO BELIEVE, I HAVE A HARD TIME EXPRESSING MYSELF IN PERSON WHEN IT COMES TO MATTERS OF LOVE. STORIES ARE NOT PROBLEM, AND MINDLESS BANTER IS A SPECIALTY, BUT IT IS HARD TO TELL SOMEONE JUST HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU.

YOU HAVE BEEN SUCH A MODEL HUSBAND, FATHER AND HUMAN TO ME OVER THESE MANY YEARS. I HAVE LEARNED SO MUCH FROM YOU, AND FOR THAT I WILL BE ETERNALLY GRATEFUL. I HAVE LEARNED THE MEANING TO THE WORD PATIENCE. YOU ARE THE KINDEST, GENTLEST, LOVING MAN I KNOW. YOU NEVER YELL TO CORRECT, BUT LOVINGLY SUGGEST THAT PERHAPS THE NEXT TIME I TRY TO ENSURE THE FORKLIFT FORKS ARE LEVEL BEFORE RUNNING INTO THE SIDE OF ANOTHER BIN. WHEN I TRY TO IMAGINE HOW TO BE UNDERSTANDING WITH MY GIRLS, I THINK OF YOU AND FIND THE PATIENCE TO GENTLY ASK ONE MORE TIME. I AM NOT A PERFECT FATHER, AND YOU HAVE TAUGHT ME THAT IT IS OK TO NOT BE PERFECT AS LONG AS YOU ARE COMPASSIONATE TOWARD YOUR CHILDREN. YOU HAVE TAUGHT ME ALL THESE THINGS AS YOU MODELED THEM FOR ME.

I HAVE DEARLY LOVED OUR CONVERSATIONS ON TEACHING OVER THE YEARS AS WELL. I AM CERTAIN MY STUDENTS HAVE BENEFITED FROM THESE DISCUSSIONS, BECAUSE YEARS AWAY FROM THE CLASSROOM YOUR PASSION FOR LEARNING STILL BURNS DEEPLY AND IT IS AN INFECTIOUS MALADY, INDEED. LONG WALKS TO THE YAK SCREEN, LESSONS ON A TRACTOR, AN EVER WILLING VICTIM OF MY COOKING, YOU HAVE TAUGHT ME TO SAVOR THE MOMENT OF LIFE. ON THIS CHRISTMAS NIGHT, I REFLECT ON THE MANY BLESSINGS AND GIFTS GOD HAS SO ABUNDANTLY SHOWERED ME WITH THROUGHOUT MY LIFE, AND ONE OF THE DEAREST GIFTS HAS BEEN TO KNOW YOU AND LOVE YOU SO MANY YEARS.

FORM THE FIRST MOMENT I MET YOU OVER 20 YEARS AGAIN WHEN YOU CLIMBED DOWN ON THE FLOOR OF A OURAY HOTEL TO PLAY GAMES WITH LITTLE EVAN COOPER AND WE WERE THROWING POPSICLE STICKS WITH ABANDON TOGETHER IN MINUTES; TO THESE LAST FEW WEEKS IN WHICH YOU INSPIRE ME WITH THE GRACE AND DIGNITY YOU CONTINUE TO SHOW IN SUCH PAIN AND DISCOMFORT, I AM SO MUCH THE RICHER FOR KNOWING YOU. YOUR THOUGHTS IN THESE LAST TROUBLED DAYS, AS THEY ALWAYS HAVE BEEN ARE NOT FOR YOURSELF BUT ALL THOSE AROUND YOU. KNOWING YOU I HAVE A MUCH BETTER UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT JESUS CHRIST WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE IF HE WERE WALKING WITH ME IN THE FLESH. YOU ARE THAT CHRIST TO ALL THOSE AROUND YOU, A REFLECTION OF THE DIVINE, AND YOU GIVE US ALL HOPE THAT IF GOD IS AS LOVING AS YOU, THERE MIGHT BE MERCY FOR ANY OF US. THANK YOU FOR YOUR WILLINGNESS TO BE GOD'S PRESENCE IN OUR WORLD. IT NEEDS SO MUCH OF IT.

I COULD NEVER REPAY YOU FOR ALL THE KINDNESS AND LOVE YOU HAVE GIVEN ME BY ACCEPTING ME INTO YOUR FAMILY, BUT ON THIS CHRISTMAS NIGHT I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE YOU A GIFT IN THE FORM OF THREE PROMISES I MAKE TO YOU THIS DAY.

FIRST, AS LONG AS I DRAW BREATH, YOU WILL LIVE ON IN MY STORIES AND MEMORIES OF YOU THAT I WILL GENEROUSLY SHARE WITH ANYONE LUCKY ENOUGH(OR PATIENT ENOUGH)TO LISTEN. I WILL TEACH YOUR CHILDREN AND GRAND CHILDREN AND GREAT GRAND CHILDREN OF THE GRACE-FILLED MAN WHOM I AM PROUD TO KNOW. YOU ARE IMMORTAL IN THE HEARTS OF THOSE THAT LOVE YOU, AND YOU WILL LIVE IN MY STORIES AS LONG AS I SPEAK.

SECONDLY, I WILL LOVE AND HONOR AND TREASURE YOUR DAUGHTER, PAULA, AS MY DEAR WIFE AS LONG AS I LIVE. I HAVE LEARNED HOW TO BE PATIENT AND A LOVING AND UNDERSTANDING HUSBAND FROM YOUR EXAMPLE, AND PUALA RICHLY DESERVES ALL THE LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING I CAN MUSTER. AS THE FATHER OF THREE DAUGHTERS, I KNOW WELL THE FONDEST WISH OF A FATHER IS THAT HIS DAUGHTERS ARE HAPPY AND LOVED AND NURTURED. WITH ALL THAT I AM, I WILL DO WHAT I CAN TO MAKE SURE THAT YOUR LOVING DAUGHTER, PAULA, IS MY QUEEN AND MY BEST FRIEND UNTIL OUR NATURAL DEATHS.

THIRD, I WILL DO EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO ALWAYS BE A NURTURING AN COMPASSIONATE FATHER TO YOUR THREE BEAUTIFUL GRANDDAUGHTERS, MEGHAN, ABBEY AND ERIN. I WILL GIVE THEM A SAFE HOME, A SUPPORTIVE FAN OF THEIR MUSIC, A SHOULDER TO CRY ON, A FRIEND TO LISTEN TO, AND BOUNDARIES TO SHAPE THEM INTO FINE HUMAN BEINGS. I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU LOVE THEM, AND I HOPE THAT YOU TAKE GREAT COMFORT IN KNOWING THAT THEY WILL BE WELL CARED FOR, CHALLENGED, SUPPORTED AND ENCOURAGED TO BECOME WHO THEY WERE CREATED TO BE . I WILL RAISE THEM SO THEY KNOW WELL THE ENTIRE FAMILY YOU LOVE, AND TO KNOW THAT THEY ARE HOME WHEN THEY ARE WITH ALL OF US, IRENE, SCOTT, DARCY, RON, SAM, PAULA, THE ELAS, THE RUSSELLS, AND ALL THE COUSINS.

THESE ARE MY THREE GIFTS TO YOU THIS NIGHT; TO KEEP YOU BURNING BRIGHTLY IN MY STORIES, TO LOVE YOUR DAUGHTER WITH MY WHOLE HEART AND SOUL, AND TO RAISE YOUR GRANDDAUGHTERS IN THE PEACE AND LOVE OF A WELCOMING AND UNDERSTANDING FAMILY. I CANNOT DO THESE THINGS ALONG; I WILL NEED YOUR PRAYER AND SUPPORT, YOUR LOVE AND EXAMPLE, YOUR BLESSINGS AND YOUR PRESENCE HERE ON EARTH AND IN HEAVEN. WE ARE ALL ON A JOURNEY HOME TO OUR HEAVENLY FATHER, FOR SOME THE JOURNEY IS MUCH LONGER AND HARDER THAN FOR OTHERS. I THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART FOR ALL THE TIME WE HAVE SPENT TOGETHER ON THIS JOURNEY HOME. IF GOD WILL IT, I HOPE WE HAVE MANY MILES YET TO GO TOGETHER ON THIS EARTH, IF GOD WILLS OTHERWISE, I WISH YOU A SAFE JOURNEY TO THE PLACE HE HAS PREPARED FOR ALL OF US. I AM SORRY THAT I CANNOT SAY ALL OF THIS TO YOU IN PERSON, BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW HOW MUCH YOU HAVE AFFECTED THIS WANDERING IRISHMAN, AND HOW BLESSED I AM BECAUSE OF YOU.

WITH GREAT LOVE AND AFFECTION,

TIM CASEY

DEAN NELSON PHILLIPS-DIED JANUARY 7, 2009