THE JOURNEY: Although the cave was amost in complete darkness, it was lit by a single candle that seemed to never melt. It shed its light in all directions. You could see a few feet out, but were still confused about what might be in the distance. The risk and fear of what was in the darkness was generally considered by others to not be worth taking the risk of entering the cave. After all, you many go and never come back, and that that would truly be sad for everyone involved. The light from the single candle radiated with such clarity and intensity that he just knew that he was on the right path. He always trusted his intuition but admitted that he didn't always follow it. He personally didn't feel that he had anything to loose. They tried to tell him to not go into the cave in the first place, but due to his stubbornness he thought that there had to be more to life than to just be the person he had always been. He really believed that he probably could not have gone on the same way he was. So, now he seems to have made friends with this candle who apparently was helping him find his way out of the darkness even if it did mean that he wasn't conforming to the advice of those around him. He became so tired physically and mentally that he had to lay down and rest. Dreaming wasn't something he did very often but when the candle spoke to him he really wasn't sure if he was asleep or awake. The candle said, "you don't have to do it alone". What is that suppose to mean? Of course I have to do it alone. I am the only one here now. He actually got angry that the candle had spoke and told him something that didn't appear to make sense. He stirred and looked at the candle still trying to figure out what just happened. It is not that he is the type of person that never listens, it is just that he feels so strongly about what he is doing even if he can't see the path. Not being able to sleep any longer, he chose to think about what he thought the candle had said. Not having to do it alone would mean that he needs to ask one of his friends to come with him. His head just became more confused which scared him for the first time, so he said a prayer. "God grant me the wisdom to see who I really am and to be who I should be. Help me on this journey to become what was intended through your guidance and show me the way with help in finding peace in everything I do, joy in what I choose, and freedom and love all around me". Another voice in the dark said to "look in your pocket". He felt another candle and decided to light it as well. The voice said "you are not alone. You now have two candles that shine together as one, illuminating where ever you want to go. You do not have to put out the first candle as it will always act in unison with the second candle in guiding you on your path. Always be humble that your past is as brightly lit as your future. We go there together in the hopes that you remember where you came from and realize that you never have to do it alone and will always be surrounded by the clarity and illumination of the joint flame within your heart. Go now, and follow the path together and know that I will always stay with your when times are tough, protecting you and those that you love" With tears of gratitude he and the candles moved forward out of the other end of the cave and into the light of illumination moving without fear.


The journey over the last two years has been profound for me. I have survived the continuous onslaught of emotions, feelings and general ups and downs that accompany a death of someone so close to you that you thought you were of one body. I have been inspired all along this journey to do things that I never thought I could do. Writing poetry, blogs, and books was definitely not in my sights prior to Barb dying. It was only through a series of what I called inspired thought and following the dots of ideas and peoples suggestions that I can now see that there was a bigger picture that had very intentional consequences. At the time I couldn't necessarily make sense of it, but I was being guided to come out of the darkness. The darkness is what everyone goes through when they have profound loss and each and everyone of us have to make that conscious decision to move through the darkness and come into the light. Even though in my story I have to admit that I made a demand that Barb participate in my life and that I couldn't do it alone, I am not sure that I really thought the answers would come the way they did. A friend asked me when does the mourning ever end. When I thought about that question, I realized that it doesn't end. It only changes. It changes to a more manageable and loving way to handle the grief. It only requires that you are open to the idea that their memory is really a gift, and as a gift it should be treated with the open arms of receiving their gift with thankfulness. I know now that Barb continues to guide me, make me laugh, and inspire me to make something of my life. She was my candle and when she combined with the current love of my life, they have made a great team of which I am truly honored to be apart of. I will forever be great full of the love that Barb showed me while alive and continues to show me in her death. I consider myself incredibly lucky to have two candles burning in my life. The end of the blog is simply that. This is the exact right timing to end a journey of discovery through death and life for me. It is not really the end but a beginning, linking the first life with the second. One is not better than the other, only different. I can't really see any further in the darkness than you can but I am willing to keep my past and my future illuminated with love and will enjoy the journey that is in front of me, knowing that I am indeed not alone on the trip. I understand one true and meaningful thought. The writing of this blog was a very important choice in my life. I use "choice" with emphasis as it requires me to reflect and to know that all the decisions I have made on this journey have been my choices. Yes, I can tell you that these choices at times were impacted by suggestions from others including inspired input from Barbara G Russell. But, one thing is clear to me. No amount of inspired input, suggestions from friends and family can influence someone if they are not ready to receive. So, in my cave, praying for help was choice. I am convinced that all humans have the unique characteristic of choice. Choosing to live, to die, to love and be loved. Choose to move forward or to stand still. Choose the path to the left or the right. I chose to write this blog and help heal myself with truth and pain in the effort to take one step at a time. In that, my hope is that by writing from the male perspective I was able to show that feelings are not the sole reward of the feminine. I hope in writing my story, I was able to touch the heart that needed opening, and if one person benefited from my journey then the benefit was immeasurable. The butterfly effect to me is that you do one thing and effect another. If you know someone that needs to read this story, then pass it on. You will be the butterfly. Bless you for your support of me and my journey and never give up. With thanks and humbleness I move forward.


NEVER ALONE-JIM BRICKMAN

MAY THE ANGELS PROTECT YOU
TROUBLE NEGLECT YOU, AND HEAVEN ACCEPT YOU WHEN IT'S TIME TO GO HOME
MAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE PLENTY
THE GLASS NEVER EMPTY AND KNOW IN YOUR BELLY, YOUR NEVER ALONE

MAY YOUR TEARS COME FROM LAUGHING
YOUR FIND FRIENDS WORTH HAVING AS EVERY YEAR PASSES, THEY MEAN MORE THAN GOLD
MAY YOU WIN AND STAY HUMBLE, SMILE MORE THAN GRUMBLE
AND KNOW WHEN YOU STUMBLE YOU'RE NEVER ALONE

WELL, I HAVE TO BE HONEST AS MUCH AS I WANTED
I'M NOT GONNA PROMISE THAT COLD WINDS WON'T BLOW
SO WHEN HARD TIMES HAVE FOUND YOU
AND YOUR FEARS SURROUND YOU
WRAP MY LOVE AROUND YOU, YOU'RE NEVER ALONE

NEVER ALONE, NEVER ALONE
I'LL BE IN EVERY BEAT OF YOUR HEART WHEN YOU FACE THE UNKNOWN
WHEREVER YOU FLY THIS ISN'T GOODBYE
MY LOVE WILL FOLLOW YOU, STAY WITH YOU, BABY
YOU'RE NEVER ALONE

THE JOURNEY: Being thankful at this time of year should be the obvious choice for anyone. After all it is the season to remember that someone special came into our lives and made a real difference in how we lived and moved forward through the smoke and mirrors of the distractions. I for one am so thankful to know that they cared enough to come and share their time here with me, guide me when they thought it was appropriate, pull me out of harms way at times and most of all surround me with that special love that only they could exude. Being thankful doesn't seem like enough for that special gift that they brought to us. I believe that passing the gift on would be the ultimate responsibility all of us, and a way for them to continue to help us share the gift. Thanks for coming, sharing, protecting and helping us be the gift to those around us.


YOU KNOW SOMEONE LOVES YOU


YOU CAN FEEL IT IN YOUR HEART
YOU CAN FEEL IT N YOUR BONES
YOU'RE NOT AFRAID TO GO AWAY
BECAUSE YOU KNOW THAT SOMEONE LOVES YOU

IT'S A WHOLE BODY EXPERIENCE
TO SEE THEM WHERE EVER YOU ARE
LOOSE THE NOISE
LISTEN TO THE SOUL
BECAUSE YOU KNOW THAT SOMEONE LOVES YOU

TIME WON'T TELL
BECAUSE IT DOESN'T EXIST
BE IN THE MOMENT
BECAUSE YOU KNOW THAT SOMEONE LOVES YOU

PEACEFUL REMINDER
HOW GOOD IT CAN FEEL
KNOWLEDGE IS RIGHT
BECAUSE YOU KNOW THAT SOMEONE LOVES YOU

THE JOURNEY: How do you know that you are doing the right thing when it comes to your own existence here on earth? Is it faith alone or a feeling? Do you re lie on your intuition or do you allow other people to make decisions for you. I know this may seem a little deep right now especially at Christmas time. But, for me it is the perfect time to reflect on what I'm doing and how I got here and most importantly how I make choices. Who is in charge so to speak. For me, I believe that I listen to the past, present and future using intuition, feelings, verbal clues and sometimes luck. I know one thing. In the waking up through death, I have become more out there and not willing to just continue what I was doing because it was easier and I could. Even though I am the same person, I am also not the same person. I move forward in a different but just as good a way, with intention and a love that I have never felt for myself. I know that I'm being watched over and guided by folks that want us to succeed. All of us have our own methods of doing the right thing through whatever methods that might be. I wish you well and that you realize that the right thing can be achieved by just opening yourself up to the different modalities being presented to you and that there truly is life after death.


WEIGHT


WEIGHED DOWN BY THE PAST
FREE TO FLY WITH THE FUTURE
SHAPED BY TOMORROW
WITH A FOOT IN THE DOOR OF YESTERDAY

SENSING A TIE BETWEEN IT ALL
NOT WILLING TO GIVE UP ANY
THE RIGHT OF EVERY HUMAN
RESIDES WITHIN THE JUGGLING ACT

CONTAINED WITHIN THE WHOLE
PERFECTED BY THE PIECES
REACHING OUT
TO CREATE THE PUZZLE OF LIFE

THE JOURNEY: Reflective thinking can sometimes be a burden. If you are always thinking at a deeper level and trying to figure out where you fit within the framework of life, you may just miss the simplicity of perfection. As it comes up to the two year anniversary of Barbs death, I know that I have done a lot to be reflective through writing and just paying attention to this wonderful and yes painful journey I've been on. But, I wonder when you loose someone whether you can fall into the trap of being overly profound and miss what is staring you in the face. His name is Jack and as I write this he has just come in from the backyard covered in mud. My yard during the winter in the the Northwest becomes a mud bog. Jack is a pure white West Highland Terrier, so when he decides that the neighborhood cat needs to be chased through our mud bog and will even attempt the ten point slide tackle, it is a done deal. So, as my now black dog sits here in front of me and looks up with those innocent eyes, I can't help but think that Jack is the simplicity of perfection. Thinking deeply is not necessarily helpful at moments like this. Seeing the reflection of me laughing in his eyes means just as much. Here's a reflective thought for you. I see a cleansing in someones future and a restoration to wholeness. Jack.......get back here.

BEING LOST


BEING LOST YOU CAN SEE THE STARS MORE CLEARLY
AND CONTEMPLATE WHO YOU ARE

BEING LOST MAKES WALKING QUIETER
AND LONELINESS EASIER TO TAKE

BEING LOST CREATES A VOID
INTO WHICH YOU CAN PUSH YOUR THOUGHTS

BEING LOST MAKES THINGS SEEM LESS IMPORTANT
AND GIVES MEANING TO THE SOURCE OF LIFE

LOST IN THOUGHT
LOST YOUR MIND
LOST YOUR WAY
LOST BETWEEN NIGHT AND DAY

IT ONLY REMAINS TO BE SEEN
IF THE IMPORTANCE IS BEING LOST
OR THE LOST NEEDS TO BE FOUND

THE JOURNEY: I realize that I spend a lot of my time waiting for something to happen. Since Barb died, my life is made up of connecting the dots in hopes that they will lead somewhere. I am so convinced that they will continue to guide me that I sometimes forget that it is not necessary to be like the kid on Christmas morning patiently waiting to see what is going to be in the box. It probably would be less stressful to just allow things to happen, notice them and then react. Instead I am always speculating what might happen next. The holidays are still hard for me personally even though I put on a great mask that everything is OK. The reality is that this will probably be the case for years to come. I guess that by waiting for something to happen, it is my way to cope and push the negative stuff way deep down inside and hide it under my grandmothers trunk in the basement. By waiting for something to happen I keep the possibilities of the future and the child like qualities alive within me. In a way, we are all waiting for something to happen. We live our lives, raise our families and rejoice that it is all leading somewhere special.



MIST


SEEING THROUGH THE MIST OF PERCEPTION
FIGHTING HARD TO SORT OUT THE HIDDEN MEANING

WHAT YOU GET IS A WORLD
THAT FITS YOUR IDEA
BUT NOT NECESSARILY THE WORLD AROUND YOU

IT'S NEVER EASY TO SORT THROUGH THE FOG
WHAT IS REAL AND WHAT IS NOT

IN THE END
IT IS WHAT YOU MAKE OF EVERYTHING YOU DO AND APPLY

THE JOURNEY: If you remember me writing last year how hard the holidays were, you would probably remember that my impression was that I would have been happy to not go through a holiday again. I mean, come on. Why would any of us want to subject ourselves to that kind of pain intentionally. So as the holidays approached, I anticipated trouble. It is not like we are waiting for it. The emotions are like someone peeking around the corner at you. They sneak up when you least expect it and remind you things that you hoped would hide a little longer. But it has now been almost two years and even though there is some angst, sadness, a little anger etc, there is also a sense of peace, and a knowing. The knowing is about understanding that when I first started writing this blog, I didn't care if anyone was reading. That wasn't what it was about. It was all about putting feelings to paper and finding out that it helped me in healing and taking one step at a time forward. As time went on I realized that folks were reading the blog and it took on some form of responsibility. Hearing from people that voiced their similar experiences made me realize that we aren't alone even if we think we are. Again thanks to you, healing continued for me in knowing that touching other people through writing was my avenue of rising out of the ashes. Finally, knowing that the holidays are gentler now because of the journey I've taken, makes me want to thank all of you for listening and caring and being part of the healing team. If the book form of this is one day published I hope that we can continue to help others heal through our combined experiences. Thank you all for your friendship, love and input into this humble soul. Happy Holidays




PAST AND FUTURE



SWINGING BETWEEN PAST AND FUTURE
CAN SOMETIMES EFFECT YOUR EQUILIBRIUM
FOCUSING ON ONE ONLY
CAN EFFECT YOUR WHOLENESS

BEING WITHIN BOTH
DOES REQUIRE THE FOCUS
TO GRASP THAT LIFE IS NOT
MADE UP OF ONE OR THE OTHER

YOU CAN BE IN THE PAST AND THE FUTURE
ALLOWING BOTH TO GUIDE YOU
ON THE ROAD TO DISCOVERY

THE JOURNEY: Forty years from now I want to look you in the eyes and say "thank you for the journey". Sometimes I truly wonder what I'm going to write about. So, I will occasionally throw the question out to the universe and see what happens. That is the interesting thing about inspired thought. You never know when it is going to hit you and who might be sending you the message. So, that line came to me with intention and full body goose bumps. That is when I pay attention. The statement seems simple enough on the surface, but of course there always seems to be double meanings in these inspirational pulses that arrive unexpectedly. Being the reporter type, I decided to analyze it. It could mean that when it is my time to go, I get to look Barbara in the face and thank her for saving my butt, hooking me up with incredible friends of the past and future and for telling me to wake up and pay attention to the incredible opportunities that I got to participate in. It could mean thanking my second life love for the patience of seeing the journey through with me. I would be overwhelmingly humbled to think that I was able to be connected to two beautiful souls and live such a profound and rewarding life that included such great kids that allowed me to be their father. Of course I am just ad-libbing here but I get the sense that what I'm suppose to say is that if you have lost someone in your life, you need to be told that it is OK to plan for the future. You survived for a reason and to be able to honor your past and your future with thanksgiving is what you need to give yourself as a present.




EAGLE


I HEARD THE EAGLE FROM A DISTANCE
NEVER SEEING ITS FLIGHT
TO SWOOP OVER THE RIVER
RETRIEVING FISH FOR ITS FAMILY

FAITH IN KNOWING THE EAGLE IS THERE
IS ENOUGH FOR THE MOMENT
REALIZING I DON'T NEED TO SEE THINGS
TO BELIEVE OF THEIR EXISTENCE

WITHOUT FAITH
THERE IS THE NEED FOR PROOF
IMAGINATION ONLY REQUIRES
THE FAITH TO BELIEVE SO HARD
THAT YOU KNOW ITS EXISTENCE IS REAL

THEY JOURNEY: All I wanted was clam chowder. I'll get back to that in a minute. Turning points in ones life can take many forms. You can have an experience that is so profound that you will never look at things the same way. You can get angry at your deceased spouse and get a response that tells you she is listening. You can have love in your life that surprises you because you weren't sure that you would feel it again. Or you could go looking for clam chowder on the Oregon coast and not find it anywhere. You keep driving in the pitch black and pouring rain not really understanding why you are doing it. You end up at a state park with no name and as you enter the parking lot, you realize that you have entered some sort of calm in the storm. There is no rain and the sky is so clear that the stars are the most brilliant jewels in the sky you have ever seen. Venus is like a glowing orb and the big dipper is so bright as it hangs low on the horizon. It actually feels like you can reach out and touch it. You hear the breeze and the surf as one source of sound like a steady and strong heartbeat. Turning points to me are ones that take you away from your planned goal and lead you to an unexpected and profound emotional and spiritual uplift. It is your choice as to whether you pay attention. I am guessing experiences like this don't happen every day. It's funny, I noticed clam chowder everywhere the next day on the way home. Well isn't that interesting!





SYNCHRONICITY


ONE THING HAPPENS
ANOTHER COMES ALONG
WITHOUT MUCH THOUGHT
THEY BOTH TIE TOGETHER

THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON
NOT BY CHANCE
THERE ARE NO COINCIDENCES
IF YOU JUST RELAX AND LOOK

PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT'S HAPPENING
AROUND AND THROUGH YOU
DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU
THAT SYNCHRONICITY IS A DREAM

THE JOURNEY: Where did all these colors come from? The light, the warmth of the sun, the wind in the trees. Trust me, I've seen fall colors before. I have see light come through the trees and watched the wind gently sway the branches. That is not what I'm talking about. The only way I can describe what is going on with my senses is to guess what birth would be like. Coming out would have to be brilliant in color, sound, etc. If you could speak I would think it would be one of those wow moments. I think the term of being reborn has been over used but it really does describe the sights, sounds, and feelings when you suddenly find that enough time has transpired to be able to step into the world that has been there the whole time you have been gone. I really do like wow moments and always find them fascinating and beyond my normal words of explanation. To feel alive with purpose and intention is not something that I thought would be possible again, but I realize that profound moments are Gods way of saying "wake up". Gotta go, I have a rainbow to chase.





TRANSFORMATION



FORMED BY GRIEF
HEALED BY LOVE
TRANSFORMED BY SPIRIT

WRITTEN WITHOUT WRITING
SPOKEN WITHOUT SPEAKING
FELT WITHOUT FEELINGS
KNOWN WITHOUT KNOWING

TRANSFORMATION BY DIVINE LOVE
INTO SECOND LIFE
YOU'RE NEVER ALONE
REACH OUT AND WRITE, SPEAK, FEEL AND KNOW

THE JOURNEY: Have you ever prayed, wondered, meditated, wished, hoped or just said something out loud and it was answered before you finished saying it. I'm always testing Barb and those that have gone on to show me a sign that I'm on the right path. Being a visual type of person, I just like to see these signs. Being a smart aleck sometimes, and with my sense of humor, it is no big deal for me to challenge the spirit world. I was in need for a sign and found a beautiful clear agate on the beach. I know they aren't common because I have spent so much time on the beach. So......being that I have an affinity for the number nine, I challenged Barb and anyone else listening to show me nine of these rocks on the way back to my car. I have a lot of faith that I would end up with exactly nine but since there are no rules when it comes to spirit, I just thought it would be fun to see how it played out. Well, you can guess what happened. Nine clear agates, faith validated, challenge accepted and brought home. You would think that I would learn that challenges are not necessary and that love crosses all boundaries. Perception is everything when it comes to miracles and they invented the sense of humor otherwise they wouldn't put up with me. I know that I will keep asking and looking and when it is my turn to go, we will have quite a conversation and laugh about how I kept trying to challenge them. We are all looking for a connection that gives feedback through validation. I believe that attempting to communicate with love, respect and intention is a form of leading with your heart and keeping an open mind to the possibilities within the human potential. Without the belief of this potential hope, and wonder of things we don't know anything about, we are only left with the cold proof of science. I find that unacceptable and boring at the same time.




YOU ARE WITH ME


HOW DO I KNOW YOU ARE WITH ME
ARE YOU HOLDING MY HAND
ARE YOU PUTTING YOUR ARM AROUND ME
ARE YOU WHISPERING IN MY EAR

I SEE YOUR FACE IN THE STARS
THE BRILLIANCE OF YOUR SOUL
SHINES BRIGHT

I HEAR YOUR VOICE IN THE BREEZE
A WELCOMING BREATH AGAINST MY EAR

I FEEL YOUR PRESENCE IN THE WILD
SURROUNDED BY THE LOVE
OF NATURES COMMITMENT

YOU ARE EVERYWHERE AND NOWHERE
ON THE OUTSIDE AND IN BETWEEN
COMPLETELY AND FOREVER
ALWAYS THERE TO ANSWER

THE JOURNEY: Why should I give a second thought to the place that was such a nemesis to me for at least six months after Barb died. That was the street corner that I would target which was approximately two miles from my house. At the time this street corner was the half way point on my self inflicted route to recovery. I can't stress how hard it was for me to get to that one spot on this big blue planet. It meant everything to me. All my life I have set goals for myself that were not only hard but could be realistically achieved and produce rewards at the same time. This particular goal of reaching the half way point of a walk was I have to admit now probably the hardest goal I had ever set for myself. Not only did it require and extraordinary amount of will power which I have to tell you I didn't think I had, but I had to overcome the negative self talk of it being worthwhile. I believe in setting goals and especially after the loss of someone in your life. You will fight it but ultimately it is what will bring you through the maze of lack of clarity and into the finding of who you really are. So now as I walk by this former goal I bow to its generosity in helping me on my path to a future that is goal oriented once again. I can look back with fondness and quite a bit of pain knowing that the street corner did its part in my story.





STREET CORNER SOBRIETY


REACHING A PLACE
THAT IN DAYS PAST REQUIRED SUCH STRENGTH
IS SOBERING IN ITS IMPACT

REALIZING THAT YOU CAN COME SO FAR
AND FIGHT OFF THE DEMONS THAT INFLATE THEIR VALUE
CONQUERING THE NEED TO SHRINK

OPENS UP THE POSSIBILITIES
TO BEGIN LIFE ANEW
WITH THE CONVICTION OF THE FUTURE
STRAPPED TO YOUR BACK

THE JOURNEY: THINGS I DON'T DO ANYMORE:


1. Walk slowly in a stooped position. It is more painful to walk that way.
2. Leave the dishes for the kids to do. We all know who is going to do them anyway.
3. Pay attention to any political campaign as important. Things don't really
change do they? And if you think they do, then run for something and find out.
4. Think the world should have stopped turning when Barb died. It didn't and it
wouldn't have been fair to the rest of you.
5. Hope the other guy will do the right thing. They might not but if I do, then
that is all that matters.
6. Wonder if I should tell someone what I really think. Time is too short. If it is
important enough, who knows, you might save a life.
7. Think that I'm not being listened too. Trust me. You are being listened to. The
real question is are you interpreting the feedback you are getting back.
8. Rake up all the leaves after they fall. Blowing leaves to the side of the yard
while rationalizing it as mulch is the ultimate protest to do the same thing the
same way for so many years.
9. Think that love will never find me again. There are so many forms of love that
you never knew existed. Be open to the different delivery methods and just know
that love will find you and it will be perfect for you.
10. Think that writing silly fluffy deeply felt views is something you would never
catch me doing.



HAPPINESS



HAPPINESS IS A STATE OF GRACE
FLEETING FOR SOME
CONTROLLED BY OTHERS

NEVER BE SATISFIED
TO ACCEPT ANYTHING LESS
THAN THE DESIRED OUTCOME

REACH INSIDE AND PULL IT FROM THE DEPTHS
EXPECT IT FOR YOURSELF
RETREATING ONLY WHEN YOUR SPIRIT
REQUIRES IT

MAGIC HAPPENS WHEN YOU DECIDE
THAT HAPPINESS IS A RIGHT
OF BEING HUMAN
AND FACE ITS CONSEQUENCES HEAD ON

THE JOURNEY: I think being alone and being lonely are two different things. Being alone finds me watching TV at weird hours thinking that it is normal for a single person to think about such things as family pictures on the wall. Wondering what happened to the little kids that were in those pictures and thinking out loud that they all made it. Being alone making a meal requires little effort, because I just choose between the avocado or the peanut butter. Neither one is necessarily a great choice, but who is going to complain. I would blame my wife for being alone but how is that going to help. She would just tell me to get over it and do something constructive. But you know, there are just some times in your life that being melancholy is a right of passage. Being in this space allows me to write with more insight about myself and to walk long distance without paying attention to anything going on around me. That includes the curb I didn't see and where the heck did that beautiful sunset come from? You know what? Wrong thinking enters our psyche because we allow it to. I'm making the whole story up anyway. If I'm alone and feeling bad about it, I can just as easily not be alone with myself and enjoy the experience. So instead of blaming Barb for me being alone, I think I will enjoy the sunset until it is gone and choose peanut butter because I can. Bon appetite.




THE TRIP


WHEN A FLOWER MAKES YOU CRY
AND A SONG BREAKS YOUR HEART
REGROUP YOUR THOUGHTS
TAKE STOCK OF HOW FAR YOU'VE TRAVELED

NO TRIP IS PERFECT
IT ALWAYS HAS IT'S UPS AND DOWNS
REMINDING YOU
THAT YOU'RE NEVER FAR FROM THE BEND IN THE ROAD

STAYING ON THE ROAD
IS AS IMPORTANT AS YOU MAKE IT
GOING FASTER
WON'T MAKE IT SAFER

SLOW DOWN
ENJOY THE TRIP
WHAT COMES TOMORROW
MAY MAKE ALL THE DIFFERENCE.

THE JOURNEY: So now I'm the voice of reason. That is not something I would have expected to hear from my son, but I will accept it with humility and explain it to you. So, my middle son is riding a bike across the southwest to raise awareness for water aid around the world. I get a text from him and his cycling partner and it says they are in trouble in the scorching heat, with twenty five mph head winds and being harassed by a local drunk where they are recuperating under a tree. So as a parent, what would you think if you got that text. Right, I call to confirm their imminent death. Turns out they are alive....and just exhausted both physically and mentally. I ask where they are and discover that it is in an area that Barb and I took him to as a baby to visit her now diseased aunt. Some how that one realization for him changes the whole picture. He can now sense being there in the secure arms of his mother and the environment suddenly becomes less menacing. Isn't that true for all of us in how we view life. Our perceptions about where we are and how we choose to see it, is indeed everything. I like being the voice of reason even though I just thought I was being the father figure that a year ago was lost in the fog.


WORDS


WORDS REQUIRE SO LITTLE EFFORT
TO SAY
TO FEEL
AND TO MEAN

IT IS THE MEANING
BEHIND THEM
THAT TAKE THE EFFORT
OF INTERPRETATION

WHAT YOU SAY
MIGHT NOT BE WHAT YOU MEAN
WHAT YOU HEAR
MIGHT NOT BE WHAT WAS INTENDED

SO CLARIFY THE MEANING
SAY WHAT YOU FEEL
HEAR THE REAL INTENT
BE GENUINE IN THE GIVING AND TAKING
AND DON'T GET LOST IN THE CONFUSION

THE JOURNEY: Attending church to see my youngest son get baptized and confirmed was an important dot for me to connect in my own growth as a man who lost his wife to death. I had not been back to church since her death mainly as I can only voice now that the church was my wife. She was involved somehow all the time and her spirit was so strong there. I think in one respect I consider it somewhat cowardly on my part for not facing that and being able to go back to church. On the other hand, I consider it my respect for Barb and her faith and friendships by not interfering in that strong memory. Watching my son with his host family reminded me of when our entire family would sit in church and take up an entire pew. It was a good memory of family, hope, looking to the future and renewal. So thanks to my son, I can now somewhat put aside the fear with in and just remember that any church is a place of fellowship.


ANOTHER TIME

ANOTHER TIME
ANOTHER MOMENT
FOREVER LOST
WITHIN THE MEMORIES OF THE PAST

SPECIAL THOUGHTS
BROUGHT BACK FROM THE DEPTHS
MINGLE WITH THE PRESENT
TO CREATE A NEW MEMORY

GOING FORWARD
MEMORIES MIX OLD AND NEW
COMBINING THE FORCES
CREATING THE NEEDED RE-AWAKENING

THE JOURNEY: Two trees standing side by side can still grow up and out but they can also become intertwined. This produces what would look like one tree. And in some respects, it is true. They move together in the wind swaying in unison. They break under the same stresses, bend just right and show their intertwined beauty to the world. The earth feeds them both allowing them to grow and reach out for those around them. Illness can affect one or both but because time doesn't stand still one can become to ill to continue. One tree wakes up one spring morning and realizes that it is not touching the other tree anymore. Lost and lonely it wants to disappear too, but it doesn't know where it would go. Frustrated and angry it won't grow its leaves or stretch out in the sun to raise its limbs to the birds like it always has. Ready to give up it raises itself to the sky and asks for help. Just when things look like they are at the worst for the tree, it looks down and sees something poking out of the dirt. It senses excitement when it realizes that in the very same place where his former friend stood, are many seedlings reaching up in the light towards his branches. The seedlings intertwine with his trunk and ask tree questions. Over time they grow stronger and bigger and even though no tree can replace his former friend, he knows that he has a purpose. His purpose is to show love, be loved, give wisdom when needed and always remember his special friend with the grace and humility that a relationship like theirs afforded.



LIGHTS



WHITE LIGHTS COMING TOWARD YOU
RED LIGHTS GOING THAT WAY
WHERE ARE YOU GOING
ARE YOU RUNNING AWAY

SIMPLE SOLUTIONS
COME WITH HEAVY PRICES
ARE YOU WILLING TO GIVE IT UP
TO FREE YOURSELF

IT IS LIKELY THAT FINDING YOURSELF
AMONG THE DIFFERENT LIGHTS
GOING IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS
CAN BE CONSIDERED THE MOST
IMPORTANT LESSON OF YOUR LIFE

BE ONE WITH THE UNIVERSE
GO IN THE DIRECTION OF THE FLOW
AND STOP FIGHTING TO SAVE YOURSELF
KNOW THAT WHEN YOU LET GO
YOU WILL BE CARRIED



Writing a book is interesting especially when you have never done it before. What I found out was that I don't like proof reading. But what I have noticed is that when I re-read the material I sometimes don't even recognize the person that wrote it. I will read it like anyone else reading it for the first time and be surprised by either the simplicity or the awareness. It does open up a discussion at least in my head of wondering at very deep level who the author really is.

THE JOURNEY: My best friend says that playing Frisbee golf is a good parallel to the journey through life. Without getting overly metaphysical the point is well taken. You take this round rubber disc that comes in many weights and you throw it. Now typically what happens is that it moves forward in some capacity. In my case it doesn't hardly ever go straight or in the direction I intended when I let it go. But, yes it did move forward which in life is sometimes a major accomplishment. It is a beautiful thing to be following this disc around and seeing where it is going to end up and what drama is going to be created in getting out of the potential predicament. You can take in the sun and the surrounding scenery and just wander aimlessly back and forth across the landscape. You can commune with all the different people you meet along the way while you are looking for every one's discs that flew out of bounds. You can also hang out with the folks that take it so seriously that failure is not in their vocabulary. Be one with the disc. My thoughts about this are:

1. Moving forward is better than moving backwards
2. Strength and domination aren't necessarily the best approaches
3. Being in your body is helpful but letting go is vital
4. Friends can give great advice. You don't have to do it alone
5. You will walk in dog poop no matter what type of shoes you are wearing or what
direction you go
6. It doesn't take a rubber disc to make happiness. It is what you do with the
disc and how you react to it that's important
7. And when you see the disc fly over your head backwards after you throw it, you
smile, pick it up and move forward again

May the wind always be at your back, your disc fly straight and accurate and you avoid all the dog poop.



SEARCHING FOR PEACE


SEARCHING FOR PEACE
IN EVERY DIRECTION
CAN CAUSE CONFUSION
BECAUSE OF ITS SCATTERED NATURE

FINDING PEACE
WITHIN YOURSELF
BRINGS THE ENERGY CENTER
TO WHERE IT SHOULD BE

HAVING PEACE
IS THE LINK OFTEN LOST
TO THE SEARCHING AND FINDING
OF THE MIRACLE WITHIN YOU

THE JOURNEY: Finding your own way through all the land mines placed in front of you when you are the survivor of death can be quite challenging. Move to the left, the right, turn around and run the other way are just some of the decisions you will have to make to get through the mine field. But you know what? When you are standing at the other end of the field and looking back over your shoulder and realizing you made it, you are more surprised than anyone. I mean really, you initially thought that there was no way that you would ever survive the first land mine, let alone all the other ones. So good for you. You survived. You made it. But what really struck me as more important than my own survival was looking to my right and left and seeing all of my kids standing next to me. They survived and made it too. My GOD, what a miracle that was. Everyone is on their own self discovered journey created by their own faith, writing their own story, weaving there own love connection in with the rest of us. I am incredibly blessed to be part of this truly inspired family. Our journeys continue. And the book continue as well. I have decided to add some inspirational quotes from famous deceased people I'm enjoying reading them and including them into the format. Considering the subject of the book, I think they would approve.




THANK YOU


FOR CALLING MY NAME
THROUGH TIMES ETERNAL HEARTBEAT

FOR TOUCHING MY SOUL
WITH THE LOVE OF THE AGES

FOR PULLING ME BACK
FROM THE BRINK OF CONFUSION

FOR DIRECTING MY ENERGY
TO A MORE IMPORTANT PURPOSE

THANK YOU FOR BEING YOU
AND FOR ALLOWING ME TO FIND ME
WITHIN YOUR LOVE

THE JOURNEY: Getting my car washed the other day reminded me of life. As you are being pulled through the space, you can just see glimpses of the outside through all the hyper activity going on around you. Coming through any death in a family can put you into that car wash space. You are surrounded by all of the noise and arms reaching out for you and being flooded by a deluge of water. But if you can relax just a little and try to look out through that fog, you'll see something remarkable. Clearly between the chaotic activity is a sparkling picture of what can and will be. You realize that there is a world out there that can be beautiful and rewarding and then you break out of the car wash into the reality. I love it when these flashes of inspiration take hold. So, continuing on with that theme while rewriting the book version one requirement is that you actually have to read what you wrote at the beginning of the journey. What I have discovered is that it isn't easy to see where I came from. But, that is what it is all about.



PEACE


IF PEACE HAD A FEELING
IT WOULD FEEL LIKE A SLIGHT BREEZE
SWIRLING AROUND THE BODY

THE COOLNESS OF THE WATER
AT THE RIVERS EDGE

THE LOOK OF A LOVER
WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT

THE WARMTH OF THE SUNS RAYS
AS THEY FLOAT THROUGH THE TREE
AND GENTLY REST ON THE ARM

SITTING IN A MEADOW HIGH IN THE MOUNTAINS
LISTENING TO NOTHING AND EVERYTHING AT THE SAME TIME

PEACE COMES IN MANY FLAVORS
MOMENTS AND SOUNDS

BEING AWARE IS ONLY HALF OF IT
FEELING PEACE IS THE COMPLETION

THE JOURNEY: Walking a tightrope without a net would seem at first glance to be stupid. No protection with only the hope of success or the risk of failure. I don't need to tell you what failure would mean. Families provide a net, work, passion, love, exercise, friends all provide nets. But sometimes not having a net can provide you with the most profound growth experiences especially when you are trying to survive the death of a loved one. Recently I was trying to decide if I should come to an end with this blog. You guessed it. This blog has been my net and I was thinking that maybe I should step out on the rope without a net. I asked for input from friends and the consensus seemed to be to continue with the blog. I had been thinking for quite a while that I wanted to put this into some form of book format but to be honest I couldn't mentally see a finished product so I put it on hold. Walking a couple of days ago and you guessed it, talking to my self and Barb, the whole format picture came to me. So now I know how it is suppose to look so all I have to do is make it happen. One of my friends suggested that I include the process of creating the book in the blog as well. Sounds good to me so the blog continues with diversification. Back to the journey. One of the most profound moments in the death of someone for me was to tell Barb it was ago to go. That was truly another moment of walking out on the tightrope without a net. Along that same line I would like to include here a piece written by a friend of this blog who had an article accepted by the folks of "This I Believe". This is great advice with a personal touch.

The greatest gift to a dying loved one is giving them permission to leave and make an effort to remove the guilt of leaving us behind.
1. Tell them you will be okay after they are gone(even when you do not believe this yourself).

The last two years of his life we cared for my father in our home. At the end there was a blockage in his kidney which could only be relieved with surgery. He would survive no more than 24 hours without surgery. But, because of his COPD, he could not survive the ventilator needed for the surgery. Surgery was his only option, even though he could not survive it. He knew this going in. He survived the surgery and was sent to ICU. He would wake once in a while, but was fading. My wife, our son, our daughter and I were at his bedside. As time passed he struggled for every breath. I leaned in and whispered "It's okay dad. You can go. We will be alright." At this point he breathing eased and gradually became shallower until it stopped. He was at peace.

2. Do what you can to relieve the guilt for the loved one leaving you behind. Show that you can manage so your loved one will let go of their earthly worries.

I often worked six days a week and more than ten hours a day. My wife was the absolute caregiver. She took care of the children bills, meals, etc....She felt strongly that our home was her responsibility, and she thrived.

The last few years of her life she/we battled cancer(melanoma). The immune therapy for treating it, to call them debilitating is an understatement. In the last few months of her life the cancer spread to her hip bone. This made even getting around in a wheelchair difficult. At this point I started taking over the household duties. I did this in secret and would pick up groceries on my way home from work. I would then wait until she fell asleep before I unloaded the car. I would often be up until 1 in the morning doing the laundry, cleaning, and making sure the house was in order. I would be back up to get our daughter ready for school and prepare dinner for the evening. Family and friends would come during the day while I was at work and our daughter was in school.

She was able to witness the household hold together. It comforts me to know she was able to leave in peace. And since most of the work was done in secret she was spared the guilt of leaving us alone, and the worry that we would not be able to take care of ourselves without her.

"This I Believe" February 1, 2010- Robin Zimmerman


ETERNALLY

WOVEN ETERNALLY
WITHIN THE FRAMEWORK OF MANKIND
IS THE LOVE THAT CAN SAVE
OR THE LOVE THAT CAN BLIND

MANY TIMES HISTORY HAS PROVEN
THAT QUESTS ARE TAKEN
FOR THE LOVE THAT CAN SAVE
OR THE LOVE THAT CAN BLIND

KNOWING WHICH PATH TO TAKE
AT ANY POINT IN TIME
REFLECTS THE TRUE SPIRIT
OF WHETHER YOU WILL
BE SAVED BY LOVE
OR BLINDED BY LOVE