THE JOURNEY: Walking a tightrope without a net would seem at first glance to be stupid. No protection with only the hope of success or the risk of failure. I don't need to tell you what failure would mean. Families provide a net, work, passion, love, exercise, friends all provide nets. But sometimes not having a net can provide you with the most profound growth experiences especially when you are trying to survive the death of a loved one. Recently I was trying to decide if I should come to an end with this blog. You guessed it. This blog has been my net and I was thinking that maybe I should step out on the rope without a net. I asked for input from friends and the consensus seemed to be to continue with the blog. I had been thinking for quite a while that I wanted to put this into some form of book format but to be honest I couldn't mentally see a finished product so I put it on hold. Walking a couple of days ago and you guessed it, talking to my self and Barb, the whole format picture came to me. So now I know how it is suppose to look so all I have to do is make it happen. One of my friends suggested that I include the process of creating the book in the blog as well. Sounds good to me so the blog continues with diversification. Back to the journey. One of the most profound moments in the death of someone for me was to tell Barb it was ago to go. That was truly another moment of walking out on the tightrope without a net. Along that same line I would like to include here a piece written by a friend of this blog who had an article accepted by the folks of "This I Believe". This is great advice with a personal touch.

The greatest gift to a dying loved one is giving them permission to leave and make an effort to remove the guilt of leaving us behind.
1. Tell them you will be okay after they are gone(even when you do not believe this yourself).

The last two years of his life we cared for my father in our home. At the end there was a blockage in his kidney which could only be relieved with surgery. He would survive no more than 24 hours without surgery. But, because of his COPD, he could not survive the ventilator needed for the surgery. Surgery was his only option, even though he could not survive it. He knew this going in. He survived the surgery and was sent to ICU. He would wake once in a while, but was fading. My wife, our son, our daughter and I were at his bedside. As time passed he struggled for every breath. I leaned in and whispered "It's okay dad. You can go. We will be alright." At this point he breathing eased and gradually became shallower until it stopped. He was at peace.

2. Do what you can to relieve the guilt for the loved one leaving you behind. Show that you can manage so your loved one will let go of their earthly worries.

I often worked six days a week and more than ten hours a day. My wife was the absolute caregiver. She took care of the children bills, meals, etc....She felt strongly that our home was her responsibility, and she thrived.

The last few years of her life she/we battled cancer(melanoma). The immune therapy for treating it, to call them debilitating is an understatement. In the last few months of her life the cancer spread to her hip bone. This made even getting around in a wheelchair difficult. At this point I started taking over the household duties. I did this in secret and would pick up groceries on my way home from work. I would then wait until she fell asleep before I unloaded the car. I would often be up until 1 in the morning doing the laundry, cleaning, and making sure the house was in order. I would be back up to get our daughter ready for school and prepare dinner for the evening. Family and friends would come during the day while I was at work and our daughter was in school.

She was able to witness the household hold together. It comforts me to know she was able to leave in peace. And since most of the work was done in secret she was spared the guilt of leaving us alone, and the worry that we would not be able to take care of ourselves without her.

"This I Believe" February 1, 2010- Robin Zimmerman


ETERNALLY

WOVEN ETERNALLY
WITHIN THE FRAMEWORK OF MANKIND
IS THE LOVE THAT CAN SAVE
OR THE LOVE THAT CAN BLIND

MANY TIMES HISTORY HAS PROVEN
THAT QUESTS ARE TAKEN
FOR THE LOVE THAT CAN SAVE
OR THE LOVE THAT CAN BLIND

KNOWING WHICH PATH TO TAKE
AT ANY POINT IN TIME
REFLECTS THE TRUE SPIRIT
OF WHETHER YOU WILL
BE SAVED BY LOVE
OR BLINDED BY LOVE