THE JOURNEY: Mid life....sounds so stuffy and permanent. You hear a lot about it but what is it really? To a twenty year old mid life is probably thirty. Really, think back to when you were twenty. Yea, your thinking it. I always thought that mid life was half way to the rocking chair on the porch that Barb and I were going to share in retirement. Perspective changes quickly. So now what? Do I have a crises? And what is a crises anyway? Is it where you push important people in your life away from you by becoming so complex that the baggage you are carrying to the terminal would weigh down three porters let alone one? Is it a crises when you picture yourself on a Harley going across country after you've sold everything off just to write a book about people you meet along the way? Is it a crises when you suddenly shave the beard off that has been attached to your face since the Nixon years? I think crises makes it sound like your in jeopardy of loosing your mind instead of taking control of it. Sometimes what may appear to be a rash change to some really is just the taking back of control in ones life and nothing else. It takes a leap of faith to get to the top of the mountain. I can tell you that a death in your life can profoundly shake up the world as you know it. Also I can tell you that shaving your beard off can get a conversation going with the people around you, especially the youngest daughter who has never seen your chin before. Remember what I said about mid life to a young person. I rest my case.


PURPOSE


MY INTENDED PURPOSE IN LIFE
WAS TO GROW OLD GRACEFULLY
WITH THE ONE I LOVE

FATE HAD ANOTHER PLAN
TO CHANGE THAT OUTCOME
FROM DESTINY TO CONFUSION

OTHER PLANS EMERGED
CREATING HOPE THAT WAS LOST
AND GOALS THAT ARE SHARED

A SINGLE MOMENT IN TIME
CHANGED THE LIVES FOREVER
TO BE BIGGER AND MORE BEAUTIFUL
THEN THE ORIGINAL PLAN EVER INTENDED

THE JOURNEY: What has the world come to. Watching "GLEE" and looking outside and seeing it pour. Man, what a lonely world it can be sometimes. I have to laugh at myself occasionally because without that it would be pretty pitiful. The thought of loneliness creates a picture in my mind that I really don't get. Growing up in Arizona I considered myself to be a loner with a few friends. Somehow that was OK with me. I knew that I was self reliant and everything in my life depended on me. My brother was older and we really didn't have anything in common. I did the traditional baseball, swimming, and getting blown out of the water by the female of the species. I worked from the time I can remember, so being busy was my way of never being lonely. I met my future wife when I was 20 and I can honestly say that loneliness was never in my vocabulary. While raising six kids, loneliness somehow gets converted into exhaustion. And then before I knew it, most of my kids were grown up and my wife was going down the slippery slope of illness. Loneliness started creeping in at that time but I don't think you are allowed that feeling because you're too involved in the day to day duties taking care of the love of your life. So then you go through the hardest thing you have ever faced. You start moving away from it over time and as you do that you realize that most of the time your kids have their own lives. Although you know your kids love you, you finally come to the conclusion that their energy rightly so revolves around other things instead of you. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, just growing up I guess. Maturity is a bummer. Anyway, as I sit here with the dog staring at me wondering what I'm crying about, I reflect on this empty house with all its history and express with the deepest sincerity.....Happy Mothers Day.


DOES IT MATTER

WHEN YOUR BEST FRIEND DIES
WHEN THE SUNSET IS BLUE
WHEN THE CROW FLYS BY
DOES IT REALLY MATTER

WHEN THE WALK IS FAST
AND THE PAIN IS SLOW
WHEN YOU REACH FOR HELP
WHY SHOULD IT MATTER

WHEN YOU TOUCH SOMEONES FACE WITH A SMILE
AND REQUEST TO STAY CONNECTED WITH YOUR WORDS
AND REALIZED THAT IT ONLY MATTERS TO YOU

SPEND A LITTLE TIME ON WHAT MATTERS THE MOST
SPECIALIZE IN THE MATTER OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE
THE MATTER OF YOU

THE JOURNEY: One one of my long sanity walks I suddenly had this image of a painter at the easel with a jar nearby full of different brushes of all sizes. The reason this is important is that immediately proceeding that image I was thinking about my family. Each member of the family represents a different brush. You know...some are long, some are small, some draw delicate lines and some are big and sweeping in what they leave behind. You can add color to a brush and get a totally different picture depending on which one you use. One son is a scientist who has to juggle a lot of things but be very precise at the same time. Although he might be a bunch of different brushes underlying ever thing is a very accurate one that gives sharp definition. One daughter who is a social worker is a typical long brush which has to paint the most complete picture quickly and with less detail. She has to size things up fast in her job as well as the family because of taking over the oldest female role. I have a middle son who is the film documentarian and probably has to be multiple brushes at the same time. This creates the most dramatic and colorful picture quickly before moving on to the next canvas. A totally complete picture always comes together in the end even though the colors seem scattered at times. Another son is the broadest possible brush that is really good at painting the clouds. His brush never completes the picture but is beautiful in color. The next son paints with one brush only, and with determination for his subject. He will paint off the canvas at times but will always return. The youngest daughter paints with the tightest wound brush you can buy. Driven to fill in the lines with her picture with no room for error. Barb painted with all the brushes available to create a completed family picture. I paint with a wide brush to create the frame for the future. An artist interprets what he sees, mixes the colors and shows respect to his subject by putting those brush strokes on a blank canvas. Even when we have lost someone, the picture was already created and lives forever in the mind of the viewers. Honoring those that are gone with as beautiful a picture as possible made from all those brush strokes is an incredible legacy to their lives.


THE PUZZLE OF LIFE

YOU START OUT AS A THOUGHT
PUT TOGETHER WITH LOVE

YOU GROW INTO A VESSEL
PUT TOGETHER WITH LOVE

ALONG THE WAY PIECES COME AND GO
CREATING A THINKER
PUT TOGETHER WITH LOVE

EVEN THOUGH DEATH IS AN ILLUSION
YOU MARCH TOWARDS THAT END
NEVER REALIZING YOU WERE PUT TOGETHER WITH LOVE

SO THE DAY COMES WHEN THE PIECES FALL APART
AND YOU REALLY FIND OUT
THAT YOU WERE PUT TOGETHER WITH LOVE

THE JOURNEY: Feelings.....how are you suppose to feel. The more time that goes by I notice that most people either expect you to move on or they totally ignore the elephant in the room. Before anyone gets concerned about whether I'm OK or not I'll answer that right now. Yes, I feel great. I write about things as they hit me, so I just have to go with it. So back to the subject. Moving on is an option if we are willing to let go of the past and focus on the future. Speaking from experience you can move on and not forget. I think what happens is that we put our "everything is OK mask" on and what people see is that we have moved on. And to be honest my guess is that is exactly what they want. But really it shouldn't be about what they want but do you feel comfortable within yourself to take the step you need to take. As far as the elephant, it is interesting that even though a lot of people know about the death, it is usually easier for them to focus on you. I don't think it is anything but a protective mechanism all around. So I think it is up to us to remember in an appropriate way whatever that means. I was driving to the coast for business on Highway 30 in Oregon and I noticed a large number of memorial markers along the road. I couldn't help but think about all these people that had lost their lives. The marker doesn't tell their individual story, and is not going to be there forever. At some point it will disappear and the future won't know about that person. When I write these blogs I press a button and it goes out into the ether continuing on forever in theory. It is like looking at a star that has already exploded in the past, but you are still seeing the light reach your eyes prior to the explosion. OK, this is pretty heavy but fascinating. So here is what I would like to propose. If you feel comfortable, send me a short story of your loved one. I will create a separate section in each weeks blog and post your story along with my normal writings. Here is the amazing thing about what will happen when I hit the send button. Long after all of us are gone, your story will still be traveling thought space and in my mind someone in the distant future will be able to tap into that energy and read about your loved one. Oh my gosh. It seems like such a simple yet profound way to remember them forever. You helped yourself move on big time and you don't have to worry about the elephant any more. I know for me personally the thought of Barb traveling through space forever is not only entertaining but breath taking. I look forward to hearing about your special person and being able to share them with the universe.

TALK TO THE WIND

TALK TO THE WIND
RIDE THE WAVE
SEE WHERE IT GOES
AND WHO IT WILL TOUCH NEXT

IT ALWAYS ANSWERS
THROUGH ITS GENTLE PUSHING AND PULLING
OF NATURES GIFT TO MANKIND
FEEL IT AGAINST YOUR SKIN
BE ONE WITH ITS FLOW

SURPRISE YOURSELF
OPEN YOUR HEART
BE WITH THE FRIEND THAT HAS ALWAYS BEEN THERE
AND NEVER EXPECTED ANYTHING IN RETURN

ALLOW THE WIND TO TAKE YOUR THOUGHTS
TO OTHER PEOPLE AND PLACES
MAYBE THEY WILL LISTEN
AND RETURN THE THOUGHT SOMEDAY

THE JOURNEY: If you could carry on a conversation with GOD, what would you say or ask? As I was sitting and watching a lacrosse game and seeing the sun hide in and out of the clouds, the thought of GOD calling me on my cell phone crossed my mind. And before you ask , no I don't sit around all day and think of these things. They just pop in unannounced seeing if I am going to react to them. Well, the visual alone of GOD calling on my cell phone was priceless. OK, so I'll play along. This is Mike, how can I help you? I've answered the phone like that for twenty five years so habits are hard to break. Oh, hi GOD, I'd like to sit and talk for awhile, if that is OK with you? I think I would want to know how her day went and if anything special happened. What is the weather like where you are? Is there weather? Or are you everywhere at the same time so you have it all? What is your favorite color and why? Oh and what about how humans treat each other on this planet? Is there right or wrong and does it really matter in the end? Do you really judge us or are we just on our own? This is probably where I would sneak in the question of why my wife had to die. I am kind of hoping that the big questions would be distracting and that last one would be easy to answer. I'd want to know if I am doing the right things for my family and if I am really going to make it. I would want to know if he likes the bathroom tile I put in and whether he thinks I'll ever finish that project. I would ask whey we just can't see our loved ones that are on the other side, so we can know everything is great with them. Is it really necessary that humans mourn so much? As a long time manager I always look for the efficient short cut. Pain just seems so darn consuming. I would want to know whether we are going to destroy ourselves or whether as I believe there is always hope. I'd want to know how she feels about things and whether guidance is there if we are just willing to open ourselves up to it. What advice can you give me personally that will allow me to believe that you are listening? I know this is all about faith and I really don't expect answers. It does make you think though. What questions would you ask? Think of this as an exercise in Death of A Spouse 101. Go ahead and ask your questions. Treat it like a cathartic moment. You are in control for once. Oh, and by the way. I am thinking you might want to answer the phone next time it rings. You never know who is going to be on the other end.


CATHARSIS

I NEED A CATHARSIS MOMENT
A MIRACLE UNSEEN
SAVING ME FROM MYSELF
TO PROVE WHAT I ALREADY HAVE

I NEED TO KNOW THE PATH
IS REALLY IN FRONT OF ME
THAT OUR VENTURE IS REAL
LOOKING FOR THAT SPARK
TO LIGHT MY WAY

YOU HAVE GIVEN ME EVERYTHING I HAVE ASKED FOR
THEN WHY DOES MY EGO MAKE ME THINK IT IS NOT ENOUGH

A CATHARSIS MOMENT IS ONLY AS GOOD
AS THAT MOMENT IN TIME
NEVER REALLY SATISFYING THE NEED TO KNOW IT ALL

I NEED TO BE ACCEPTING
THAT YOU WILL GIVE ME WHAT IS REQUIRED
AND STOP QUESTIONING THE FOREVER NATURE OF MY EGO'S GRIEF

THE JOURNEY: If a tree falls in the forest does anyone hear it? OK, how about this one. If a man slices the top of of his finger while no one is around, what do you hear? Well in my case let's just say that if anyone was around they would have heard some really creative words followed by manly bandage making. It did make me think though. While Barb was alive and the kids were younger I could count on someone being around if I did something stupid. In fact I remember being on an extension ladder hanging on for dear life and trying to cut a piece of aluminum at the roof line. Of course this was being done in front of a picture window with the whole family watching. Might as well make it interesting huh? Well you can guess what was going to happen. Yep...fingers slice faster than metal. Flying off the ladder without touching the rungs from that height was kind of tricky, but the vision I have was looking over at the window and seeing the family looking at me. That is family for you. But when I did basically the same thing the other day, no one was there. No wife, no kids, no sounds of the tree falling. It made me think about the changes that have occurred. Oh, it's still the same stupidity but I can only share it with myself now. And that is what hit home. For those of you that have family around, enjoy the day to day events because you never know about tomorrow. And when that still small voice in your head says to be careful, STEP AWAY FROM THE TOOLS and go do something safe.


SOME DAYS

SOME DAYS MOVE LIKE SNAILS
A SLOW PROGRESSION TO AN UNKNOWN OUTCOME

SOME DAYS SPEED LIKE THE COMET
GOING SO FAST BUT NOT TAKING ANYTHING IN

SOME DAYS REQUIRE A HERCULEAN EFFORT
TO PLACE ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER

SOME DAYS ARE SO EXCITING THAT YOU CAN'T WAIT
TO GET TO THE ENDING SO YOU CAN SEE IF IT MATCHED YOUR WISHES

BUT WHETHER IT IS A SNAILS PACE OR A COMETS TAIL
OR A TRIAL OF MOVEMENT OR THE MASTERED ENDING
YOU CREATE THE PICTURE OF WHAT YOU WANT TO SEE
AND SET IN MOTION THE OUTCOME OF YOUR DESTINY

THE JOURNEY: It occurred to me the other day to reflect on what I have learned in the last fourteen months since Barbs death. That sentence is easy to write down but another thing to actually answer. Surely there are things that I have learned that will affect the rest of my life here on this planet. Caught up in grief that was consuming for at least half that time taught me that men can get angry enough to think that they are rational to demand that communication continue. Not only communication, but the expectation of what I call the daily miracles. They are required and are a natural part of my daily life of moving forward. Come on now, don't normal people move on after someone dies and not require proof that they are listening? Heck, I don't know, I'm just asking the question. If I thought I was normal I probably wouldn't be writing this blog in the first place. I have learned that I can walk further than I thought, ride a bike and look cool at the same time and hike into the woods to listen for that voice that you can only hear when the wind is blowing through the trees. I've learned that a family can survive the loss and get stronger day by day. I have learned that kids are resilient and make it their quest to remind you that in some ways you now have become the child and also that your aren't allowed to die for a very long time. That would be unacceptable. I have learned how lonely life is without that long term relationship anymore. I have also learned that I can love again given the opportunity. I have learned that I can cook and I can also get overwhelmed by the monthly bills just like she did. I have also learned that life does not stop because someone dies and how painful that felt. Real emotions are a lesson that have changed me and I expect I will never again be complacent with things that are not important at a deep level. I have learned that I have to work really hard to care about my career only from the standpoint of where we are going and how important is it really. I have learned that I do have friends and people that love me even when I didn't have the strength to give it back. Wow, I guess I really did learn some lessons. Are they the right ones though? I sense that I will find that out some day. May your lessons be special and be guided by love like mine have. I will continue to learn and apply those lessons so that I can hope to maintain a direction that means something to myself and to those around me. I do realize that today is Easter and what that means to me. Hope arises in all of us and death isn't the end. No matter what you believe, your own lessons can strenghten you and help guide you after the death of someone that was important in your life.

SILENCE

FALLING INTO SILENCE
REFLECTING WHAT WAS LOST
ONLY THREATENS THE SECURITY
OF THE INDIVIDUAL

LIFE CONTINUES ONWARD
PEOPLE GO ABOU THEIR BUSINESS
THE AWARENESS OF THE WORLD
NEVER NOTICING THE DIMNESS OF THE INDIVIDUAL

EVENTUALLY PIECES OF A DIFFERENT PUZZLE
TRANSFORM THE NEW INDIVIDUAL
TO A DIFFERENT KIND OF WORLD
FOREVER CHANGING THE PAST

IT'S NOT BAD
IT'S NOT GOOD
IT'S NOT COMPLETE
IT'S NOT UNDERSTOOD

IT JUST IS
IT IS JUST CHOICES
WITHOUT IT
THERE IS NO MOVING FORWARD.