THE JOURNEY: Attending church to see my youngest son get baptized and confirmed was an important dot for me to connect in my own growth as a man who lost his wife to death. I had not been back to church since her death mainly as I can only voice now that the church was my wife. She was involved somehow all the time and her spirit was so strong there. I think in one respect I consider it somewhat cowardly on my part for not facing that and being able to go back to church. On the other hand, I consider it my respect for Barb and her faith and friendships by not interfering in that strong memory. Watching my son with his host family reminded me of when our entire family would sit in church and take up an entire pew. It was a good memory of family, hope, looking to the future and renewal. So thanks to my son, I can now somewhat put aside the fear with in and just remember that any church is a place of fellowship.


ANOTHER TIME

ANOTHER TIME
ANOTHER MOMENT
FOREVER LOST
WITHIN THE MEMORIES OF THE PAST

SPECIAL THOUGHTS
BROUGHT BACK FROM THE DEPTHS
MINGLE WITH THE PRESENT
TO CREATE A NEW MEMORY

GOING FORWARD
MEMORIES MIX OLD AND NEW
COMBINING THE FORCES
CREATING THE NEEDED RE-AWAKENING

THE JOURNEY: Two trees standing side by side can still grow up and out but they can also become intertwined. This produces what would look like one tree. And in some respects, it is true. They move together in the wind swaying in unison. They break under the same stresses, bend just right and show their intertwined beauty to the world. The earth feeds them both allowing them to grow and reach out for those around them. Illness can affect one or both but because time doesn't stand still one can become to ill to continue. One tree wakes up one spring morning and realizes that it is not touching the other tree anymore. Lost and lonely it wants to disappear too, but it doesn't know where it would go. Frustrated and angry it won't grow its leaves or stretch out in the sun to raise its limbs to the birds like it always has. Ready to give up it raises itself to the sky and asks for help. Just when things look like they are at the worst for the tree, it looks down and sees something poking out of the dirt. It senses excitement when it realizes that in the very same place where his former friend stood, are many seedlings reaching up in the light towards his branches. The seedlings intertwine with his trunk and ask tree questions. Over time they grow stronger and bigger and even though no tree can replace his former friend, he knows that he has a purpose. His purpose is to show love, be loved, give wisdom when needed and always remember his special friend with the grace and humility that a relationship like theirs afforded.



LIGHTS



WHITE LIGHTS COMING TOWARD YOU
RED LIGHTS GOING THAT WAY
WHERE ARE YOU GOING
ARE YOU RUNNING AWAY

SIMPLE SOLUTIONS
COME WITH HEAVY PRICES
ARE YOU WILLING TO GIVE IT UP
TO FREE YOURSELF

IT IS LIKELY THAT FINDING YOURSELF
AMONG THE DIFFERENT LIGHTS
GOING IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS
CAN BE CONSIDERED THE MOST
IMPORTANT LESSON OF YOUR LIFE

BE ONE WITH THE UNIVERSE
GO IN THE DIRECTION OF THE FLOW
AND STOP FIGHTING TO SAVE YOURSELF
KNOW THAT WHEN YOU LET GO
YOU WILL BE CARRIED



Writing a book is interesting especially when you have never done it before. What I found out was that I don't like proof reading. But what I have noticed is that when I re-read the material I sometimes don't even recognize the person that wrote it. I will read it like anyone else reading it for the first time and be surprised by either the simplicity or the awareness. It does open up a discussion at least in my head of wondering at very deep level who the author really is.

THE JOURNEY: My best friend says that playing Frisbee golf is a good parallel to the journey through life. Without getting overly metaphysical the point is well taken. You take this round rubber disc that comes in many weights and you throw it. Now typically what happens is that it moves forward in some capacity. In my case it doesn't hardly ever go straight or in the direction I intended when I let it go. But, yes it did move forward which in life is sometimes a major accomplishment. It is a beautiful thing to be following this disc around and seeing where it is going to end up and what drama is going to be created in getting out of the potential predicament. You can take in the sun and the surrounding scenery and just wander aimlessly back and forth across the landscape. You can commune with all the different people you meet along the way while you are looking for every one's discs that flew out of bounds. You can also hang out with the folks that take it so seriously that failure is not in their vocabulary. Be one with the disc. My thoughts about this are:

1. Moving forward is better than moving backwards
2. Strength and domination aren't necessarily the best approaches
3. Being in your body is helpful but letting go is vital
4. Friends can give great advice. You don't have to do it alone
5. You will walk in dog poop no matter what type of shoes you are wearing or what
direction you go
6. It doesn't take a rubber disc to make happiness. It is what you do with the
disc and how you react to it that's important
7. And when you see the disc fly over your head backwards after you throw it, you
smile, pick it up and move forward again

May the wind always be at your back, your disc fly straight and accurate and you avoid all the dog poop.



SEARCHING FOR PEACE


SEARCHING FOR PEACE
IN EVERY DIRECTION
CAN CAUSE CONFUSION
BECAUSE OF ITS SCATTERED NATURE

FINDING PEACE
WITHIN YOURSELF
BRINGS THE ENERGY CENTER
TO WHERE IT SHOULD BE

HAVING PEACE
IS THE LINK OFTEN LOST
TO THE SEARCHING AND FINDING
OF THE MIRACLE WITHIN YOU

THE JOURNEY: Finding your own way through all the land mines placed in front of you when you are the survivor of death can be quite challenging. Move to the left, the right, turn around and run the other way are just some of the decisions you will have to make to get through the mine field. But you know what? When you are standing at the other end of the field and looking back over your shoulder and realizing you made it, you are more surprised than anyone. I mean really, you initially thought that there was no way that you would ever survive the first land mine, let alone all the other ones. So good for you. You survived. You made it. But what really struck me as more important than my own survival was looking to my right and left and seeing all of my kids standing next to me. They survived and made it too. My GOD, what a miracle that was. Everyone is on their own self discovered journey created by their own faith, writing their own story, weaving there own love connection in with the rest of us. I am incredibly blessed to be part of this truly inspired family. Our journeys continue. And the book continue as well. I have decided to add some inspirational quotes from famous deceased people I'm enjoying reading them and including them into the format. Considering the subject of the book, I think they would approve.




THANK YOU


FOR CALLING MY NAME
THROUGH TIMES ETERNAL HEARTBEAT

FOR TOUCHING MY SOUL
WITH THE LOVE OF THE AGES

FOR PULLING ME BACK
FROM THE BRINK OF CONFUSION

FOR DIRECTING MY ENERGY
TO A MORE IMPORTANT PURPOSE

THANK YOU FOR BEING YOU
AND FOR ALLOWING ME TO FIND ME
WITHIN YOUR LOVE

THE JOURNEY: Getting my car washed the other day reminded me of life. As you are being pulled through the space, you can just see glimpses of the outside through all the hyper activity going on around you. Coming through any death in a family can put you into that car wash space. You are surrounded by all of the noise and arms reaching out for you and being flooded by a deluge of water. But if you can relax just a little and try to look out through that fog, you'll see something remarkable. Clearly between the chaotic activity is a sparkling picture of what can and will be. You realize that there is a world out there that can be beautiful and rewarding and then you break out of the car wash into the reality. I love it when these flashes of inspiration take hold. So, continuing on with that theme while rewriting the book version one requirement is that you actually have to read what you wrote at the beginning of the journey. What I have discovered is that it isn't easy to see where I came from. But, that is what it is all about.



PEACE


IF PEACE HAD A FEELING
IT WOULD FEEL LIKE A SLIGHT BREEZE
SWIRLING AROUND THE BODY

THE COOLNESS OF THE WATER
AT THE RIVERS EDGE

THE LOOK OF A LOVER
WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT

THE WARMTH OF THE SUNS RAYS
AS THEY FLOAT THROUGH THE TREE
AND GENTLY REST ON THE ARM

SITTING IN A MEADOW HIGH IN THE MOUNTAINS
LISTENING TO NOTHING AND EVERYTHING AT THE SAME TIME

PEACE COMES IN MANY FLAVORS
MOMENTS AND SOUNDS

BEING AWARE IS ONLY HALF OF IT
FEELING PEACE IS THE COMPLETION

THE JOURNEY: Walking a tightrope without a net would seem at first glance to be stupid. No protection with only the hope of success or the risk of failure. I don't need to tell you what failure would mean. Families provide a net, work, passion, love, exercise, friends all provide nets. But sometimes not having a net can provide you with the most profound growth experiences especially when you are trying to survive the death of a loved one. Recently I was trying to decide if I should come to an end with this blog. You guessed it. This blog has been my net and I was thinking that maybe I should step out on the rope without a net. I asked for input from friends and the consensus seemed to be to continue with the blog. I had been thinking for quite a while that I wanted to put this into some form of book format but to be honest I couldn't mentally see a finished product so I put it on hold. Walking a couple of days ago and you guessed it, talking to my self and Barb, the whole format picture came to me. So now I know how it is suppose to look so all I have to do is make it happen. One of my friends suggested that I include the process of creating the book in the blog as well. Sounds good to me so the blog continues with diversification. Back to the journey. One of the most profound moments in the death of someone for me was to tell Barb it was ago to go. That was truly another moment of walking out on the tightrope without a net. Along that same line I would like to include here a piece written by a friend of this blog who had an article accepted by the folks of "This I Believe". This is great advice with a personal touch.

The greatest gift to a dying loved one is giving them permission to leave and make an effort to remove the guilt of leaving us behind.
1. Tell them you will be okay after they are gone(even when you do not believe this yourself).

The last two years of his life we cared for my father in our home. At the end there was a blockage in his kidney which could only be relieved with surgery. He would survive no more than 24 hours without surgery. But, because of his COPD, he could not survive the ventilator needed for the surgery. Surgery was his only option, even though he could not survive it. He knew this going in. He survived the surgery and was sent to ICU. He would wake once in a while, but was fading. My wife, our son, our daughter and I were at his bedside. As time passed he struggled for every breath. I leaned in and whispered "It's okay dad. You can go. We will be alright." At this point he breathing eased and gradually became shallower until it stopped. He was at peace.

2. Do what you can to relieve the guilt for the loved one leaving you behind. Show that you can manage so your loved one will let go of their earthly worries.

I often worked six days a week and more than ten hours a day. My wife was the absolute caregiver. She took care of the children bills, meals, etc....She felt strongly that our home was her responsibility, and she thrived.

The last few years of her life she/we battled cancer(melanoma). The immune therapy for treating it, to call them debilitating is an understatement. In the last few months of her life the cancer spread to her hip bone. This made even getting around in a wheelchair difficult. At this point I started taking over the household duties. I did this in secret and would pick up groceries on my way home from work. I would then wait until she fell asleep before I unloaded the car. I would often be up until 1 in the morning doing the laundry, cleaning, and making sure the house was in order. I would be back up to get our daughter ready for school and prepare dinner for the evening. Family and friends would come during the day while I was at work and our daughter was in school.

She was able to witness the household hold together. It comforts me to know she was able to leave in peace. And since most of the work was done in secret she was spared the guilt of leaving us alone, and the worry that we would not be able to take care of ourselves without her.

"This I Believe" February 1, 2010- Robin Zimmerman


ETERNALLY

WOVEN ETERNALLY
WITHIN THE FRAMEWORK OF MANKIND
IS THE LOVE THAT CAN SAVE
OR THE LOVE THAT CAN BLIND

MANY TIMES HISTORY HAS PROVEN
THAT QUESTS ARE TAKEN
FOR THE LOVE THAT CAN SAVE
OR THE LOVE THAT CAN BLIND

KNOWING WHICH PATH TO TAKE
AT ANY POINT IN TIME
REFLECTS THE TRUE SPIRIT
OF WHETHER YOU WILL
BE SAVED BY LOVE
OR BLINDED BY LOVE

THE JOURNEY: This week was a big step in my transformation into duel parenthood. What I mean is that I took on a very uncomfortable role that would have been in Barbs realm. I would have gladly never have been involved in this in a million years because I feel I entered into the world of the female. Yes, I took my youngest daughter to have her ears pierced. Not only did I step into a world I don't understand, but the pictures on the walls of where piercing can go were a little overwhealming. I had know idea that they could put metal in those places. It was like walking into a dream, with flowing water, art work and big couches. OK, I know what you are thinking. Man up and take it for the team. I did and it was just one more step on the journey of becoming the super dad. Think I need some air. Oh, and my daughter.....she looks beautiful.



THE BURDEN

THE RELATIONSHIP YOU HAD
BLENDED SO WELL TOGETHER
CREATED A BOND
OF NOT BEING SEPERATED

YOU THOUGHT TOGETHER
EVERTHING AS ONE
THE ENERGY MELTED INTO A COHESIVE
STRENGTH THAT WAS NEEDED

NOW THAT THEY ARE GONE
YOU HAVE A SEPARATE LIFE
YOU THINK AS ONE BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO

NO LONGER RELYING ON EACH OTHER TO DECIDE
YOU ENTER A PLACE OF UNCERTAINTY
YOU MIGHT BE AFRAID TO MOVE AHEAD
TO MAKE A LIFE OF DECISIONS

BUT KNOW IN YOUR HEART
THAT YOUR LOVED ONE
IS THERE HELPING YOU TO CARRY THE BURDEN