THE JOURNEY: Fathers Day brings with it a realization that this is the first holiday since Barb died that I haven't tried to hide. Up until now the holiday to me was a painful reminder that things were and never will be the same. At times I wanted to hibernate in a cave that would allow the world to continue on outside but let me protect myself. I don't pretend to understand what has happened over the last year and a half. People sometimes say that time stands still. Well in my case it seemed like time disappeared. I honestly don't remember a lot of it. It doesn't seem possible that I became what I call a momdad, learned to live again, work again, feel, find myself and write while all the time being in a fog of uncertainty. But, it happens. Now, I find that I am building the foundation for the future, becoming someone that I like and taking the role of father back. My eldest daughter told me that she is so glad to see me back again and to be able to talk like we used too. Honestly, I think I was always there somewhere but the new me that I see in the mirror really is a combination of old and new. The difference is that I survived and now have created a goal oriented person that is in control of the future. Don't worry, I know the reality of that statement but it sounds good to say it. I will incorporate the strengths of the past with the rights of the future. I will be present in my kids lives and be the father that Barb always knew I could be. Oh, I will make mistakes along the way but I won't be in the cave anymore. Only sunshine for me baby. I think that the lesson learned here is that the fog will lift, the cave will open into the sunshine and time will move forward with or without you. The moment will come when you will realize that rejoining the race brings with it the love that was there all along. You in your protective time out can come back whenever you want and reconnect. So it is a perfect time for me to allow a holiday to be important again. I am very happy that Fathers Day 2010 was my coming out party and that I can throw away the word momdad and proudly accept dad in its place. Now, where are my presents?


REMEMBER

REMEMBER WHEN WALKING MEANT YOU HAD TO MOVE
REMEMBER WHEN THE LIGHT WENT OUT OF YOUR EYES
REMEMBER WHEN SINKING INTO THE FOG WAS YOUR BEST OF DAYS
REMEMBER WHEN TEARS WERE YOUR BEST FRIEND
AND YELLING AT GOD WAS THE ALTERNATIVE TO BLAMING YOURSELF FOR EVERYTHING
REMEMBER THE SUN DIDN'T SHINE ANYMORE
AND THE SOUND OF RAIN DULLED YOUR SENSES

LOOKING BACK IS EASY
WHEN YOU ARE FACING FORWARD
SENSING THAT BEING ONE AGAIN WITH YOURSELF
FINDING LOVE AT THE MOST OPPORTUNE TIME
RELEASING YOURSELF TO THE FATE
THAT HAPPINESS CAN AND WILL BE OBTAINED

WHAT THEN IS TO BE DRAWN
FROM THE BEFORE AND AFTER

WAS IT NECESSARY
WAS IT A LESSON
DID YOU INVITE IT IN
OR DID YOU JUST LIVE

ANSWERS ARE A DIME A DOZEN
RESPONSE IS WHAT MATTERS
THINK
FIND
FEEL
BE OPEN
SENSE THE PURPOSE OF ALL LIFE
RE-MEMBER YOURSELF