THE JOURNEY: FOR THOSE OF US THAT HAVE LOST A SPOUSE FOR ANY REASON, LIFE USUALLY TAKES ON A WHOLE NEW MEANING. YOU THINK ABOUT MORTALITY WHERE YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE BEFORE. YOU BECOME THOUGHTFUL IN YOUR INTENTIONS ABOUT YOUR BELIEFS, YOUR FAMILY, YOUR FUTURE AND POSSIBLY EVEN OTHER RELATIONSHIPS. AFTER ALL, SPENDING THE REST OF YOUR LIFE ALONE CAN SCARE THE CRAP OUT OF YOU. SO EVEN THOUGH YOU MAY NOT BE LOOKING FOR IT AT LEAST CONSCIOUSLY, A TIME COMES WHERE YOU SUDDENLY FIND YOURSELF OVERWHELMED WITH EMOTIONS THAT YOU HONESTLY THOUGHT COULDN'T EXIST ANYMORE. SO FOR WHATEVER REASON THAT YOU'LL USE AT THE TIME, YOU FALL INTO THE RELATIONSHIP WITH INTENTION AND PASSION. NOTHING ELSE IS AS IMPORTANT AS THIS CONNECTION. YOU EMERGE FROM THE FOG OF GRIEF WITH THE REALIZATION THAT THERE IS LIFE AFTER DEATH IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE. YOU SAY THINGS LIKE "YOU SAVED MY LIFE", AND YOU REALLY MEAN IT. THE DAY COMES WHEN YOUR BURDENS AND UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS BREAK THE BANK SO TO SPEAK. IT CAN BE OVERWHELMING FOR SOMEONE TO NOT ONLY SAVE YOU, BUT TAKE CARE OF YOU. YOU ALLOWED YOUR EMOTIONS TO SMOTHER AND KILL THE ONE THING THAT BROUGHT YOU OUT OF THE FOG. WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO TAKE ON A PROJECT LIKE THIS KNOWINGLY, AND OF COURSE THE END RESULT IS PROBABLY NOT GOING TO BE WHAT YOU WERE PLANNING. AND, SO IT GOES.....THE REST OF THE STORY AS PAUL HARVEY WOULD SAY. A GOOD LESSON TO LEARN IS TO TRY TO SEPARATE YOURSELF FROM THE EMOTIONS OF SOMEONE PAYING ATTENTION TO YOU. THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU REALLY WANT FROM A RELATIONSHIP FROM BOTH SIDES. AND, DON'T PUT YOUR EXPECTATIONS ON THE OTHER PERSON WITHOUT THEIR CONSENT. WHAT I HAVE REALIZED IS THAT WE HAVE SO MUCH LOVE TO SHARE, BUT WE ALSO KNOW THAT TIME IS SHORTER NOW. LOOK AT THE WHOLE PICTURE AND NOT JUST THE DREAM. I WOULD LIKE TO THANK ALL OF THOSE INDIVIDUALS THAT INVESTED SO MUCH OF THEIR ENERGY INTO ALL OF US THAT HAVE LOST SOMEONE. I HOPE THAT WE DIDN'T SCREW YOU UP TOO MUCH AND THAT YOU CAN MOVE ON AS WELL.
AND SO, BECOMING SOMEONE I WASN'T WAS NEVER THE PERSON I THOUGHT I WOULD BECOME. WITHOUT FREAKING EVERYONE OUT BY BECOMING TO PHILOSOPHICAL, I LOOKED AT THE PERSON I AM NOW AND COMPARED IT TO THE PERSON I THOUGHT I WAS BEFORE BARB DIED. I THINK IT HAS BEEN LONG ENOUGH THAT I CAN STEP BACK AS IF I'M VIEWING MYSELF THROUGH SOMEONE ELSE'S EYES. A LOT HAS HAPPENED. I GRIEVED. TRIED TO FUNCTION AT WORK. LOVED AND LOST. FOUND OUT THAT I COULD CONNECT TO A POWER BEYOND MYSELF AND USE IT TO DEVELOP NEW SKILLS. I BECAME HONEST PROBABLY TO A FAULT. I READ A BOOK CALLED "LOVING GRIEF" BY PAUL BENNETT RECENTLY AND ONE THOUGHT HIT HOME FROM IT. WHEN BARB DIED SHE TOOK MY OLD LIFE WITH HER. SO BECOMING SOMEONE NEW WITH A FOCUS ON THE FUTURE IS THE GOAL. CAN IT BE DONE WITHOUT LOOSING YOURSELF COMPLETELY? I THINK SO. BUT WHAT I REALIZE IS I NEED TO ALSO COME TO GRIPS WITH THE IDEA THAT I MIGHT HAVE TO BE STRONGER AND SAY NO TO THINGS THAT APPEAR TO BE TOO EASY. JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE HAS DONE SOMETHING THEIR WHOLE LIFE DOESN'T MEAN THAT THEY NEED TO CONTINUE TO STAY IN THE SAME CYCLE. THIS IS A PERFECT TIME FOR ME TO STEP OUT OF THE MOLD AND FIND ME. SO ME SAYING I HAVE TO BECOME SOMEONE NEW IS EASY TO SAY BUT HARDER TO ACHIEVE. FIRST OF ALL I HAVE TO LEARN TO LOVE MYSELF FIRST AND DEFINE MYSELF INDIVIDUALLY WITHOUT THE COUPLE-NESS THAT WAS SO EASY TO HIDE BEHIND IN THE PAST. I HAVE TO SET THE BOUNDARIES THAT I AM WILLING TO WORK WITHIN GOING FORWARD AND MOST IMPORTANTLY PICTURE WHAT I'M SUPPOSE TO BE LIKE WHEN I BECOME THE NEW ME. MOST PEOPLE MIGHT NOT SEE ANY DIFFERENCE BUT I BELIEVE WHAT WILL CHANGE WILL BE AT THE SPIRIT LEVEL. IT IS REALLY IMPORTANT TO RE-ESTABLISH A FOUNDATION ON WHICH TO BUILD. I NOW KNOW THAT I HAVE BEEN FUNCTIONING WITHOUT A BASE OF MY OWN. I BELIEVE THAT IT IS GRIEF'S JOB TO KNOCK THE UNDER PINNING OUT FROM UNDER YOUR FOUNDATION SO YOU NEVER FEEL STEADY ON YOUR FEET. CONFUSED, SCARED, AND LONELY TAKE OVER. WHEN SOMEONE COMES ALONG AND SHOWS THE WILLINGNESS TO PUT A COUPLE OF NAILS INTO THE FOUNDATION YOU'RE ARE ALL OVER IT. GRAB ON, DON'T LET GO, AND HOPEFULLY KEEP IT TOGETHER. BUT WHAT YOU'RE FORGETTING IS THAT THOSE COUPLE OF NAILS ARE TEMPORARY FIXES AND THE WALLS WILL COME DOWN EASILY. SO MY PERSONAL GOAL IS TO BUILD A NEW FOUNDATION FROM SCRATCH WITH INTELLIGENCE, COMPASSION, LOVE AND RESPECT. THE RESULT WILL HOPEFULLY BE A MUCH STRONGER ME WITH A CAPACITY TO ACHIEVE IMPORTANCE IN THIS LIFE TIME. I WILL LET YOU KNOW HOW THAT GOES.




LIVE

LIVE THE LIFE YOU WANT TO
NOT THE LIFE YOU THINK YOU'RE SUPPOSE TO

FATE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT
YOU DECIDE WHERE YOU FIT INTO THE SCHEME OF THINGS

HOLD ON TO THE REALITY
THAT YOU CAN HAVE THE LIFE YOU WANT
BUT KEEP IN MIND YOU MIGHT NOT NEED IT

BE THANKFUL FOR THE CHANCE YOU HAVE
TO LIVE THE LIFE YOU WANT
AND USE IT WISELY TO GROW
INTO WHAT YOU SHOULD BE





REFLECTIONS OF A FRIENDSHIP-JAN SCHAECHTERLE

THIS IS ABOUT TWO VERY INFLUENTIAL FEMALES IN MY LIFE. MY DAUGHTER OF 3 1/2 WEEKS DIED ON FEBRUARY 3RD 1977. EXACTLY 32 YEARS LATER TO THE DAY, I ATTENDED THE SERVICE OF A LONG TIME FRIEND WHOM I WAS CONNECTED WITH THROUGH THE LOSS OF OUR FIRST BORN CHILDREN. THAT FRIEND WAS BARB RUSSELL. EVEN THOUGH WE ONLY TALKED A COUPLE OF TIMES A YEAR AND WERE LUCKY TO ACTUALLY SEE EACH OTHER ONCE AT THE HOLIDAYS AND MAYBE AT A SUMMER BARBECUE, SHE WAS A LIFELINE FOR ME. I RARELY USED MY LIFELINE IN RECENT YEARS, BUT DID SO MORE FREQUENTLY 20+ YEARS AGO.

WE WERE INTRODUCED BY OUR LAMAZE TEACHER. MY AMANDA HAD DIED DUE TO A MEDICAL MISTAKE UP AT DOERNBECHER HOSPITAL IN PORTLAND A LITTLE OVER A YEAR EARLIER. WHEN WE FIRST MET, HER JOSHUA HAD BEEN DEAD ABOUT SIX MONTHS. HE TOO, HAD DIED AT DOERNBECHER IN A BOTCHED MEDICAL PROCEDURE. SHE CAME TO MY HOUSE. BY THEN, I HAD A SON, JASON, WHO WAS ABOUT 8 MONTHS OLD. WE CONNECTED IMMEDIATELY. WHEN I SPOKE OF THE CRAZY FEELINGS I'D HAD, SHE UNDERSTOOD. WHEN SHE TALKED ABOUT HER FEARS FOR THE FUTURE, I UNDERSTOOD. I THINK WE TALKED FOR ABOUT 3 HOURS. OUR LIFELINES WERE ESTABLISHED.

IN ANOTHER YEAR OR SO, BARB WAS PREGNANT WITH HER SECOND CHILD, MICAH. I FEEL LIKE I WAS HER LIFELINE THROUGH THAT EXPERIENCE ALONG WITH HER PREGNANCY WITH BETTY. THEN THE TABLES TURNED AND SHE WAS SUPPORTING ME THOUGH A DIVORCE AND SHE AND MIKE HELPED ME MOVE OUT OF MY HOUSE INTO AN APARTMENT. MY LIFELINE.....

TIME PASSED. THEY LIVED IN MT. ANGEL, THEN IN ARIZONA, THEN RETURNED TO OREGON. BARB AND I DROVE AROUND UNTIL THEY FOUND THE HOUSE THEY LIVED IN FOR 26 YEARS. SHE ALWAYS CLAIMED THAT I FOUND IT FOR THEM, WHEN INDEED WE DID IT TOGETHER. HER LIFELINE....

NEXT THING YOU KNOW, THEY ARE ADOPTING A BOY FROM KOREA AND HENRY AND I WERE ASKED TO BE HIS GODPARENTS. THIS BROUGHT TEARS TO MY EYES THAT I WAS ASKED TO HOLD SUCH AN HONOR IN DALE'S LIFE. THE ADOPTION PROCESS SEEMED TO TAKE FOREVER BEFORE HE FINALLY CAME HOME. I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME I MET HIM AND HAD SUCH JOY FOR THEIR GROWING FAMILY. HER/MY LIFELINE.....

LATER ON MY SON WAS IN CONTINUAL TROUBLE AND HAD PROBLEMS FOR A LONG TIME DURING HIS TEEN YEARS. SHE WAS THERE TO LISTEN TO ME ALONG THE WAY. SHE NEVER JUDGED BUT ONLY SUPPORTED AND CHECKED IN ON ME. MY LIFELINE......

THROUGH ALL THIS TIME, I WOULD OFTEN GET A CARD/CALL ON AMANDA'S BIRTHDAY AND I WOULD CALL OR SEND A CARD ON JOSHUA'S BIRTHDAY. WE AGREED THAT TIME HELPED TO HEAL THE WOUNDS, BUT THEY WERE STILL THERE. EVEN AFTER 20 YEARS, WE KNEW THAT THE PAIN WAS JUST UNDER THE SURFACE AND THAT WE WOULD LIVE WITH IT ALL THE REST OF OUR LIVES. YOU SEE, SHE UNDERSTOOD...I UNDERSTOOD. HER/MY LIFELINE....

I DIDN'T REALLY KNOW HOW ILL BARB REALLY WAS. SHE DIDN'T LET ON IN OUR CONVERSATIONS AND I ACTUALLY THOUGHT THE DOCTORS HAD FOUND A SOLUTION FOR HER AND THAT SHE WAS DOING BETTER. BOY WAS I WRONG. ON THE THURSDAY BEFORE SHE DIED. I FELT LIKE I HAD PULLED A MUSCLE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF MY CHEST, IN MY STERNUM. CALL IT COINCIDENCE. IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN. IT LASTED UNTIL FRIDAY NIGHT WHEN I GOT THE CALL. THEN IT WAS GONE AS SUDDENLY AS IT HAD COME ON. LIKE I SAID, MAYBE IT WAS A COINCIDENCE...THEN AGAIN, MAYBE IT WAS MY LIFELINE TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING.

WHEN WE WENT TO THE FLORIST TO ORDER FLOWERS FOR THE SERVICE, I DISCOVERED THAT THE MEMORIAL WOULD BE ON THE 3RD OF FEBRUARY...THE SAME DAY AND ALMOST THE EXACT HOUR THAT MY AMANDA HAD PASSED. ANOTHER COINCIDENCE OR WAS IT MY LIFELINE TELLING ME THAT SHE WAS WITH AMANDA NOW...WATCHING OVER HER? MY MIND WAS THINKING MANY THINGS AND MY LOGICAL BRAN WAS SAYING THAT THIS WAS NONSENSE. WHAT FINALLY CINCHED IT WAS WHEN A STUDENT STARTED COMING INTO THE LIBRARY WHERE I WORK(IN A MIDDLE SCHOOL). SHE HADN'T BEEN IN THERE VERY OFTEN, BUT STARTED COMING IN EVERY DAY TO VISIT WITH ME. IN FACT SHE EVEN GOT INTO TROUBLE FOR SKIPPING CLASSES TO HANG OUT IN THE LIBRARY WITH ME. HER NAME WAS AMANDA AND DURING THIS TIME I DISCOVERED THAT HER MIDDLE NAME WAS MARIE. MY AMANDA'S NAME WAS AMANDA MARIE. IN MY HEART, I KNOW THAT BARB, MY LIFELINE, WAS TELLING ME SOMETHING. MY LOGICAL BRAIN TELLS ME THAT THIS IS NOT POSSIBLE, BUT MY HEART TELLS ME OTHERWISE. AMANDA HUNG OUT WITH ME UNTIL THE END OF THE YEAR. THEN SHE MOVED ON TO HIGH SCHOOL. I HAVEN'T SEEN HER SINCE, BUT HER MEMORY LINGERS WITH ME. BARB'S HOWEVER, DOES MORE THAN LINGER. SHE IS SORELY MISSED. I DON'T HAVE THAT PERSON I CAN CALL WHEN I AM FEELING SOMETHING STRANGE RELATED TO AMANDA. BOTH OF THEM ARE IN MY HEART TOGETHER AND I FEEL GOOD THAT THEY ARE TOGETHER, BUT PROFOUNDLY SAD THAT BARB IS NOT HERE TO SEE HER KIDS GROW, MARRY, HAVE CHILDREN AND SHARE ALL OF THAT WITH MIKE. MIKE IS CORRECT. IT IS ALL A JOURNEY AS HE STATES WHEN HE BEGINS HIS BLOG. SOMETIMES YOU HAVE A LIFELINE AND SOMETIMES YOU DON'T.

THANK YOU AMANDA FOR SETTING MY PRIORITIES AND FOR MAKING ME LOVE MORE THAN I EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE. THANK YOU BARB, FOR YOUR YEARS OF SUPPORT AND BEING MY LIFELINE...AND FOR WATCHING OVER MY AMANDA AND YOUR JOSH. LOVE, JAN.