THE JOURNEY: Brand spanking new babies are so tiny an soft that it can't help but melt you into memories long forgotten. On our way to Los Angeles for basketball, my youngest daughter and I went to Vegas to visit my oldest daughter and my nephew and his wife who just brought home their new baby Elizabeth. The parallel story of their young lives and Barb and my own early story is something that registered deeply within me. We both lost our first born sons. Our son named Joshua had a heart problem and died at ten days old from complications of surgery. Their son Joseph died at birth from complications of delivery. Now I tell you that not to invoke any kind of sympathy but to take you to the next connection of the stories. All of us went through similar angst through the following pregnancy with the second child. In the back of my mind there was always that nagging concern if everything was going to be OK the second time around. So you go through the whole pregnancy on hope and faith. And, when the time comes and the new baby enters into the world and you hear the nurse say that the baby is breathing and has all their fingers and toes, you finally breathe. You didn't realize that you had in a sense been holding your breath for the past nine months. I remember Barb and I pulling off the side of the road after leaving the hospital and just taking the time to be the new family, look at the miracle all wrapped up like a cocoon and just breathe and cry. Life gives us second chances after what would seem to be insurmountable losses. What we do with those second chances is entirely up to us. Beautiful new babies, second lives, new jobs or new relationships. I believe they are all placed there for a reason and if we just learn to breathe again we will utilize them to the fullest.


SCENTS

SCENTS OF A TIME GONE BY
RECORDED IN THE SUBCONSCIOUS
RETRIEVING THE MEMORIES
WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT

FLASHES OF WHAT WAS PAST
CONNECTED TO WHAT IS PRESENT
REMINDS THE SOUL
TO NOT FORGET

BRING THE FLASHES WITH YOU
CHERISH THE SCENE
BY HOW IT MAKES YOU FEEL
AND DON'T FORGET THE OTHERS

CONTAINED WITHIN THOSE LINKS
IS THE UNDERSTANDING
THAT THE PAST AND THE PRESENT
ARE THE AVENUE TO WHO YOU ARE

THE JOURNEY: As I head out of town with my youngest daughter who is a basketball player on an AAU team, I realize how different things are for the two of us compared to a year and a half ago. Back then we would have never been involved in making this happen for her in playing for a traveling team that plays all over the West coast. It wasn't really that we didn't want to back her in this endeavor, it was more that when Barb was alive we had different priorities and time constraint issues that would have made it impossible to make it happen. When she died those previous constraints went out the window like a rush of air leaving a balloon. It suddenly became painfully obvious that my daughter and I now had time on our side to use as we wished. Being both sports oriented it became easy to support her desire to pursue playing at a higher level of girls basketball and try to get her noticed by college coaches at these huge West Coast tournaments. I think we all find that in a blink of an eye we have time on our hands that we never thought conceivable when our spouses were alive. It is an interesting phenomenon. Where did the time really come from? And when you have many kids like we had and could never support this kind of thing for the older kids, it does make it a little awkward when your youngest gets all the attention now that mom died. The flip side is that it has really given us bonding time together during an unbelievable period in both of our lives that we would have never had otherwise. You figure it out by imagining two weeks on the road with a teenage girl driving all over California going to events that could impact her future. No pressure there. Good thing I am so layed back and have always told her to just have fun. And if it doesn't go well, it is going to be one heck of a long drive back from San Diego. I think the point for me here is that there is an ironic twist of fate that it took a death to bring us so close together. Life isn't fair sometimes but I wouldn't give up what is going on between my daughter and myself. I think my lesson if I could turn back the clock would of course be to have kept Barb here on this earth and at the same time develop this really strong bond with a daughter that I hope reaches her dream of playing in college basketball. It's too bad we can't always have everything we want. I will settle for three pointers from April for her mom.


PEACE BLANKET

CAN YOU HAVE A BLANKET MADE FOR PEACE
WEAVED WITH CARE
HELD TOGETHER WITH LOVE
PROTECTING THE SOULS THAT COME TOGETHER
THAT NEED IT THE MOST

PROTECTING THE DREAMS
WARMING THE HEART
BEATING IN ITS ALL CONSUMING
SENSE OF SECURITY

YOU ARE MY PEACE BLANKET
PROTECTING ME FROM HARM
LOVING ME WITH YOUR WARMTH
WEAVING ME INTO SOMETHING I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE
AND WAS JUST WAITING FOR GENTLE WEAVERS HANDS
TO RELEASE THE MAGIC THAT WAS ALWAYS THERE

THE JOURNEY: What is a perfect love. Is there such a thing? Does it require anything special to hold on to it? What does it feel like and can that feeling be maintained for a lifetime? I of course don't have the answers but as usual I have my opinions. I think there are so many kinds of love that a perfect love to me is one that I needed at a particular point in life. For instance, having been married for so long, Barbs love for me was perfect. It provided a base, security, a great family and most importantly a feeling of belonging. Were things perfect? Well, probably not, but I would imagine that we could all say that. But, it was a "perfect" love for me in the cosmic sense of things. So right it was like a glove that fits well. You know it in your heart. So when you lose that perfect love, you find yourself asking whether you will ever be able to find the glove that will fit so well again. And then it dawns on you that you have all the rest of your life to fill. So you start looking even though it might only be subconsciously. After all, you found the perfect love once, why not again. The problem is that definition of perfect. I think it can be confusing and un-necessary to expect perfection. I think we as humans want to put labels on things and that is why we are always looking for perfection. Why not just expect a relationship to be perfect for the moment and if it is not perfect at some point in the future, so be it. My point is, if you are really waiting for perfection then you might miss something that could have been important for your growth. You could also be transferring your definition onto some unsuspecting soul who wants nothing more than to be loved. Life is to short in what I call the "2ND life" to be hung up with comparisons in your past. Of course, mistakes will be made. Pain will definitely be present. But allowing yourself to be open to the possibilities of life in the long run will only bring the realization that there is life after death. So, what I am suggesting is that it is OK to allow yourself to take the chance and use your 2ND life to search, enjoy and just be who you need to be. in other words, be perfect to yourself.


THE GIFT

THE CALL OF THE BIRD AT NIGHT
THE LONE STAR IN THE SKY
REQUIRES SO LITTLE
TO SEE AND HEAR

THE DOG BARKS WITH NO ONE YELLING
THE LIGHT SHINES IN THE FACE OF THE WALKER
BE STILL AND USE THE SENSES

THE RUSTLE OF THE THE LEAVES UNDER YOUR FEET
THE GARAGE DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING
WITHOUT A CARE OF THE FAST PACED WORLD
ENTER THE SPACE THAT IS INSIDE OF YOU

EXPECT NOTHING
SENSE EVERYTHING
FEEL THE LOVE WITHIN YOURSELF
BEING AT PEACE NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE
IS A GIFT YOU DESERVE





THE LETTER-DECEMBER 25, 2008

DEAR DEAN,

I AM WRITING THIS LETTER TO YOU BECAUSE, AS DIFFICULT AS IT IS TO BELIEVE, I HAVE A HARD TIME EXPRESSING MYSELF IN PERSON WHEN IT COMES TO MATTERS OF LOVE. STORIES ARE NOT PROBLEM, AND MINDLESS BANTER IS A SPECIALTY, BUT IT IS HARD TO TELL SOMEONE JUST HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU.

YOU HAVE BEEN SUCH A MODEL HUSBAND, FATHER AND HUMAN TO ME OVER THESE MANY YEARS. I HAVE LEARNED SO MUCH FROM YOU, AND FOR THAT I WILL BE ETERNALLY GRATEFUL. I HAVE LEARNED THE MEANING TO THE WORD PATIENCE. YOU ARE THE KINDEST, GENTLEST, LOVING MAN I KNOW. YOU NEVER YELL TO CORRECT, BUT LOVINGLY SUGGEST THAT PERHAPS THE NEXT TIME I TRY TO ENSURE THE FORKLIFT FORKS ARE LEVEL BEFORE RUNNING INTO THE SIDE OF ANOTHER BIN. WHEN I TRY TO IMAGINE HOW TO BE UNDERSTANDING WITH MY GIRLS, I THINK OF YOU AND FIND THE PATIENCE TO GENTLY ASK ONE MORE TIME. I AM NOT A PERFECT FATHER, AND YOU HAVE TAUGHT ME THAT IT IS OK TO NOT BE PERFECT AS LONG AS YOU ARE COMPASSIONATE TOWARD YOUR CHILDREN. YOU HAVE TAUGHT ME ALL THESE THINGS AS YOU MODELED THEM FOR ME.

I HAVE DEARLY LOVED OUR CONVERSATIONS ON TEACHING OVER THE YEARS AS WELL. I AM CERTAIN MY STUDENTS HAVE BENEFITED FROM THESE DISCUSSIONS, BECAUSE YEARS AWAY FROM THE CLASSROOM YOUR PASSION FOR LEARNING STILL BURNS DEEPLY AND IT IS AN INFECTIOUS MALADY, INDEED. LONG WALKS TO THE YAK SCREEN, LESSONS ON A TRACTOR, AN EVER WILLING VICTIM OF MY COOKING, YOU HAVE TAUGHT ME TO SAVOR THE MOMENT OF LIFE. ON THIS CHRISTMAS NIGHT, I REFLECT ON THE MANY BLESSINGS AND GIFTS GOD HAS SO ABUNDANTLY SHOWERED ME WITH THROUGHOUT MY LIFE, AND ONE OF THE DEAREST GIFTS HAS BEEN TO KNOW YOU AND LOVE YOU SO MANY YEARS.

FORM THE FIRST MOMENT I MET YOU OVER 20 YEARS AGAIN WHEN YOU CLIMBED DOWN ON THE FLOOR OF A OURAY HOTEL TO PLAY GAMES WITH LITTLE EVAN COOPER AND WE WERE THROWING POPSICLE STICKS WITH ABANDON TOGETHER IN MINUTES; TO THESE LAST FEW WEEKS IN WHICH YOU INSPIRE ME WITH THE GRACE AND DIGNITY YOU CONTINUE TO SHOW IN SUCH PAIN AND DISCOMFORT, I AM SO MUCH THE RICHER FOR KNOWING YOU. YOUR THOUGHTS IN THESE LAST TROUBLED DAYS, AS THEY ALWAYS HAVE BEEN ARE NOT FOR YOURSELF BUT ALL THOSE AROUND YOU. KNOWING YOU I HAVE A MUCH BETTER UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT JESUS CHRIST WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE IF HE WERE WALKING WITH ME IN THE FLESH. YOU ARE THAT CHRIST TO ALL THOSE AROUND YOU, A REFLECTION OF THE DIVINE, AND YOU GIVE US ALL HOPE THAT IF GOD IS AS LOVING AS YOU, THERE MIGHT BE MERCY FOR ANY OF US. THANK YOU FOR YOUR WILLINGNESS TO BE GOD'S PRESENCE IN OUR WORLD. IT NEEDS SO MUCH OF IT.

I COULD NEVER REPAY YOU FOR ALL THE KINDNESS AND LOVE YOU HAVE GIVEN ME BY ACCEPTING ME INTO YOUR FAMILY, BUT ON THIS CHRISTMAS NIGHT I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE YOU A GIFT IN THE FORM OF THREE PROMISES I MAKE TO YOU THIS DAY.

FIRST, AS LONG AS I DRAW BREATH, YOU WILL LIVE ON IN MY STORIES AND MEMORIES OF YOU THAT I WILL GENEROUSLY SHARE WITH ANYONE LUCKY ENOUGH(OR PATIENT ENOUGH)TO LISTEN. I WILL TEACH YOUR CHILDREN AND GRAND CHILDREN AND GREAT GRAND CHILDREN OF THE GRACE-FILLED MAN WHOM I AM PROUD TO KNOW. YOU ARE IMMORTAL IN THE HEARTS OF THOSE THAT LOVE YOU, AND YOU WILL LIVE IN MY STORIES AS LONG AS I SPEAK.

SECONDLY, I WILL LOVE AND HONOR AND TREASURE YOUR DAUGHTER, PAULA, AS MY DEAR WIFE AS LONG AS I LIVE. I HAVE LEARNED HOW TO BE PATIENT AND A LOVING AND UNDERSTANDING HUSBAND FROM YOUR EXAMPLE, AND PUALA RICHLY DESERVES ALL THE LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING I CAN MUSTER. AS THE FATHER OF THREE DAUGHTERS, I KNOW WELL THE FONDEST WISH OF A FATHER IS THAT HIS DAUGHTERS ARE HAPPY AND LOVED AND NURTURED. WITH ALL THAT I AM, I WILL DO WHAT I CAN TO MAKE SURE THAT YOUR LOVING DAUGHTER, PAULA, IS MY QUEEN AND MY BEST FRIEND UNTIL OUR NATURAL DEATHS.

THIRD, I WILL DO EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO ALWAYS BE A NURTURING AN COMPASSIONATE FATHER TO YOUR THREE BEAUTIFUL GRANDDAUGHTERS, MEGHAN, ABBEY AND ERIN. I WILL GIVE THEM A SAFE HOME, A SUPPORTIVE FAN OF THEIR MUSIC, A SHOULDER TO CRY ON, A FRIEND TO LISTEN TO, AND BOUNDARIES TO SHAPE THEM INTO FINE HUMAN BEINGS. I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU LOVE THEM, AND I HOPE THAT YOU TAKE GREAT COMFORT IN KNOWING THAT THEY WILL BE WELL CARED FOR, CHALLENGED, SUPPORTED AND ENCOURAGED TO BECOME WHO THEY WERE CREATED TO BE . I WILL RAISE THEM SO THEY KNOW WELL THE ENTIRE FAMILY YOU LOVE, AND TO KNOW THAT THEY ARE HOME WHEN THEY ARE WITH ALL OF US, IRENE, SCOTT, DARCY, RON, SAM, PAULA, THE ELAS, THE RUSSELLS, AND ALL THE COUSINS.

THESE ARE MY THREE GIFTS TO YOU THIS NIGHT; TO KEEP YOU BURNING BRIGHTLY IN MY STORIES, TO LOVE YOUR DAUGHTER WITH MY WHOLE HEART AND SOUL, AND TO RAISE YOUR GRANDDAUGHTERS IN THE PEACE AND LOVE OF A WELCOMING AND UNDERSTANDING FAMILY. I CANNOT DO THESE THINGS ALONG; I WILL NEED YOUR PRAYER AND SUPPORT, YOUR LOVE AND EXAMPLE, YOUR BLESSINGS AND YOUR PRESENCE HERE ON EARTH AND IN HEAVEN. WE ARE ALL ON A JOURNEY HOME TO OUR HEAVENLY FATHER, FOR SOME THE JOURNEY IS MUCH LONGER AND HARDER THAN FOR OTHERS. I THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART FOR ALL THE TIME WE HAVE SPENT TOGETHER ON THIS JOURNEY HOME. IF GOD WILL IT, I HOPE WE HAVE MANY MILES YET TO GO TOGETHER ON THIS EARTH, IF GOD WILLS OTHERWISE, I WISH YOU A SAFE JOURNEY TO THE PLACE HE HAS PREPARED FOR ALL OF US. I AM SORRY THAT I CANNOT SAY ALL OF THIS TO YOU IN PERSON, BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW HOW MUCH YOU HAVE AFFECTED THIS WANDERING IRISHMAN, AND HOW BLESSED I AM BECAUSE OF YOU.

WITH GREAT LOVE AND AFFECTION,

TIM CASEY

DEAN NELSON PHILLIPS-DIED JANUARY 7, 2009

JOURNEY: I HAVE JOINED THE LOCAL ROTARY CLUB IN MY TOWN BECAUSE I SAW THE NEED TO GET MYSELF OUT INTO THE COMMUNITY AND WORLD IN AN EFFORT TO RE-CONNECT. ONE OF THE BIG THINGS THEY DO EVERY YEAR IS THE TOWNS FOURTH OF JULY PARADE. IT IS PRETTY BIG AND HAS AROUND 150 DIFFERENT ENTRIES THAT INCLUDE FLOATS, BANDS, POLITICIANS ETC. ALSO, IT HAS HORSES. GUESS WHAT I WAS GIVEN THE RESPONSIBILITY FOR. YEP, HORSE ENTRIES. I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED HORSES AND THOUGHT AS A KID THAT I WANTED TO RAISE WILD MUSTANGS, SO THIS ASSIGNMENT WAS NO PROBLEM. THE WAY THIS PARADE WORKS IS THAT BECAUSE OF ITS SIZE THERE ARE DIFFERENT STAGING AREAS THROUGH OUT THE NEIGHBORHOOD THAT ARE USED TO ORGANIZE THE GROUPS THAT ARE GOING TO BE IN THE PARADE AND WHEN THE TIME COMES THEY ARE FED DOWN A STREET TO A PLACE WHERE THEY ARE FUNNELED INTO THE PARADE ALONG WITH OTHER GROUPS COMING FROM DIFFERENT AREAS. IT IS CONTROLLED CONFUSION AT ITS BEST, BUT IN THE END IT ALL SEEMS TO COME TOGETHER. AT ONE POINT DURING THIS CONFUSION I HAD A FLASH OF INTUITION THAT OUR LIVES SOMETIMES FEEL LIKE THE PARADE ORGANIZATION. WE ARE ALL BEING DIRECTED DOWN CERTAIN PATHS AND FUNNELED ONTO THE STAGE, NOT NECESSARILY KNOWING WHAT IS GOING TO BE ALONG THE ROUTE. THERE ARE PEOPLE THROWING CANDY IN CELEBRATION SOMETIMES. THERE ARE ROAD BLOCKS THAT PREVENT TURNING INTO THE DIRECTION YOU THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO GO. THERE IS NOISE THAT EXCITES AND CONFUSES AT THE SAME TIME. THERE ARE HORSE GROUPS THAT GET ANTSY AT THE SLIGHTEST PROVOCATION. THERE ARE PEOPLE IN CONTROL AND THOSE THAT JUST FOLLOW DIRECTION. THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT TURN DOWN A ONE WAY STREET GOING THE WRONG WAY AND OTHERS THAT JUST LIKE TO STOP AND BLOCK TRAFFIC. THERE ARE ALSO MOMENTS OF WHIMSY AND EXECUTIVE DECISION MAKING SUCH AS WHEN YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF THE FINAL TWO HORSE ENTRIES AND SUDDENLY REALIZE THE THE FRONT OF THE PARADE IS TURNING THE CORNER OF THE STREET YOUR STANDING ON AND COMING IN YOUR DIRECTION. DO YOU PANIC, RUN THE OTHER WAY, TELL EVERYONE ITS EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF. NO....YOU VERY QUICKLY SEND THE HORSES DOWN THE STREET AHEAD OF THE ONCOMING PARADE AND WAIVE GOODBYE TO THE KIDS YOU JUST SPENT FOUR HOURS WITH, KNOWING THAT THEY ARE GOING TO BE INSERTED INTO A PARADE AND BE GIVEN EXPERIENCES THAT THEY WILL REMEMBER THE REST OF THEIR LIVES. THEN YOU GET OUT OF THE ROAD SO YOU DON'T GET RUN OVER BY THE PRECISION MOTORCYCLE GROUP WEAVING AROUND THE STREET AND COMING STRAIGHT AT YOU. FOR SOME REASON...FOREST GUMP COMES TO MIND. "LIFE IS LIKE A BUNCH OF CHOCOLATES". I LIKE THE THOUGHT OF INSERTING MYSELF INTO THE PARADE ROUTE AND ONTO THE STAGE OF LIFE. I WON'T KNOW WHAT WILL BE AROUND THE CORNER UNTIL I GET THERE. I WILL RISK THE MOMENTARY STEPPING IN HORSE MANURE IN ORDER TO BE FULLY ALIVE AND RECEIVE THE CANDY BEING THROWN AT ME. BARB WILL BE WAIVING FROM THE SIDE WALK AND I WILL WAIVE BACK KNOWING THAT I HAVE HER FULL SUPPORT TO MARCH INTO WHAT EVER IS AHEAD.

I WILL BE A CHILD OF THE WINDS UNTIL THE END OF MY DAYS-BRUCE COCKBURN


ONE STEP

IT ONLY TAKES ONE STEP TO MOVE AHEAD
TO TAKE YOU OUT OF THE WHIRL OF EMOTIONS THAT YOU'RE IN
TO SET A SITE OF THE DISTANT SHORE
TO LET YOUR SELF EXPAND AND FULL FILL YOUR RIGHT

IT ONLY TAKES ONE STEP

ONE STEP FOR YOU
ONE STEP FOR THOSE AROUND YOU
ONE STEP FOR LIFE

IT ONLY TAKES ONE STEP

THE JOURNEY: Taking control of your life over the protests of your psyche can leave you in a position that only confuses things. A couple of things happened this week to make me reflect on how far I have come or not. I thought after a year and a half that maybe it was time to take off my wedding ring. My premise was that although I always thought that I would go to my own grave with this ring on, I never counted on Barb leaving before me. So I sit here and ponder what this ring means to me and what it means for the future. My current thought is that as I'm moving forward it reminds me of the past and I need to change that perspective in order to really let go. And so, in an attempt to be grown up, reflective and philosophical about material things and continue to fight for the new me, I make a stab at getting the ring off my finger. The problem is that no amount of vasoline, olive oil or tugging and pulling will relieve the finger of something that has been attached to it for thirty five years.
The other thing that happened was that I had my house cleaned by a professional. There is nothing wrong with that because without that kind of help my kids and I would be in over our heads. But, I noticed that she had switched all the utensils around in the drawer to be backwards of how they had been forever. My first thought was so what, just switch them back. How simple. Why would anything so ordinary bother you. You can hear the wheels turning in my head huh? On second thought moving ahead means changes in your life even if it is accepting the spoons are in the wrong place. And so, staying in the past or being in the future is not really the question. Acceptance of who you are now and how you relate to who you want to be is the issue. As I sit here and type this my spoons are still in the wrong or right place depending on perspective and my wedding ring is still on my finger. Life after a death can be as complicated or simple as you want to make it. What is really importan? Spoons, rings, staying in the past or stepping into the future.....what will be the perfect answer for you?


CLARITY


WITH THE JOURNEY COMES CLARITY
THE JOURNEY THROUGH DEATH INTO LIFE
IS LIKE COMING THROUGH A DARKENED TUNNEL
INTO THE LIGHT

AT THE POINT
THAT YOU HAVE REACHED THE END OF THE TUNNEL
TAKE A BREATH AND LOOK AROUND

CLARITY REQUIRES NOTHING
HE'S WATCHING AND HUGGING YOU WITH LOVE
IN HOPES THAT YOU WILL TAKE
THE STEP TO CLARITY

THE JOURNEY: Fathers Day brings with it a realization that this is the first holiday since Barb died that I haven't tried to hide. Up until now the holiday to me was a painful reminder that things were and never will be the same. At times I wanted to hibernate in a cave that would allow the world to continue on outside but let me protect myself. I don't pretend to understand what has happened over the last year and a half. People sometimes say that time stands still. Well in my case it seemed like time disappeared. I honestly don't remember a lot of it. It doesn't seem possible that I became what I call a momdad, learned to live again, work again, feel, find myself and write while all the time being in a fog of uncertainty. But, it happens. Now, I find that I am building the foundation for the future, becoming someone that I like and taking the role of father back. My eldest daughter told me that she is so glad to see me back again and to be able to talk like we used too. Honestly, I think I was always there somewhere but the new me that I see in the mirror really is a combination of old and new. The difference is that I survived and now have created a goal oriented person that is in control of the future. Don't worry, I know the reality of that statement but it sounds good to say it. I will incorporate the strengths of the past with the rights of the future. I will be present in my kids lives and be the father that Barb always knew I could be. Oh, I will make mistakes along the way but I won't be in the cave anymore. Only sunshine for me baby. I think that the lesson learned here is that the fog will lift, the cave will open into the sunshine and time will move forward with or without you. The moment will come when you will realize that rejoining the race brings with it the love that was there all along. You in your protective time out can come back whenever you want and reconnect. So it is a perfect time for me to allow a holiday to be important again. I am very happy that Fathers Day 2010 was my coming out party and that I can throw away the word momdad and proudly accept dad in its place. Now, where are my presents?


REMEMBER

REMEMBER WHEN WALKING MEANT YOU HAD TO MOVE
REMEMBER WHEN THE LIGHT WENT OUT OF YOUR EYES
REMEMBER WHEN SINKING INTO THE FOG WAS YOUR BEST OF DAYS
REMEMBER WHEN TEARS WERE YOUR BEST FRIEND
AND YELLING AT GOD WAS THE ALTERNATIVE TO BLAMING YOURSELF FOR EVERYTHING
REMEMBER THE SUN DIDN'T SHINE ANYMORE
AND THE SOUND OF RAIN DULLED YOUR SENSES

LOOKING BACK IS EASY
WHEN YOU ARE FACING FORWARD
SENSING THAT BEING ONE AGAIN WITH YOURSELF
FINDING LOVE AT THE MOST OPPORTUNE TIME
RELEASING YOURSELF TO THE FATE
THAT HAPPINESS CAN AND WILL BE OBTAINED

WHAT THEN IS TO BE DRAWN
FROM THE BEFORE AND AFTER

WAS IT NECESSARY
WAS IT A LESSON
DID YOU INVITE IT IN
OR DID YOU JUST LIVE

ANSWERS ARE A DIME A DOZEN
RESPONSE IS WHAT MATTERS
THINK
FIND
FEEL
BE OPEN
SENSE THE PURPOSE OF ALL LIFE
RE-MEMBER YOURSELF

THE JOURNEY: A rock chip in the windshield can just stay there forever and not cause any other damage. Or it can spread out in all directions, destroying the vision of the driver. I am looking at a rock chip in my truck and there is this huge line that is slowly forming in the glass. It reminds me of my life since Barb died. The rock chip was the brilliant way that she died. It exploded on impact and sent fine lines around its circumference. Very quick and powerful with surprising sound. At first glance we didn't see the hole that it left. But on second evaluation we discovered that it was worse than we thought. Eventually, a serious crack formed in the glass in two directions. Some of us followed its southerly route until it ended at a edge and we could sigh with relief. Others of us followed the northerly route that has no end in sight and we just aimlessly zig zag back and forth hoping we don't go crazy watching it unfold. Glass repair can be done to some chips but it is really still there. Or you can replace the entire windshield and start over like it never happened. Well really, you will always know that it was broken, it is just that it will all be cleaned up. I don't know if I'm going to get my chip fixed. After all, it reminds me of things that I may not necessarily want to forget.


SO MUCH TIME

I SPENT SO MUCH TIME WITH YOU
AND NOW IT IS JUST CHANGING
YOU'RE IN MY THOUGHTS
YOU'RE IN MY LIGHT
YOU'RE IN MY EVERY SECOND

LETTING GO AND PROGRESSING IS NOT WHAT
I THOUGHT I WOULD EVER DO

WITHOUT YOU I KNEW I COULDN'T MAKE IT
I COULDN'T FUNCTION
I WOULDN'T BE

BUT, REALIZATION OF OUR LIFE PROCEEDING
HAS TAKEN OVER

ALLOWING ME TO CARRY YOU
AND COMMUNICATE

KNOWING LIFE IS MORE THAN THE PAST
BUT ALSO THE FUTURE

YOU AND I WILL NEVER REALLY BE APART
FOREVER BONDED, FOREVER SMART
TO THE UNIVERSAL STORY OF CONTINUING ON THE ROAD
TO THE CHANGING STORY