THE JOURNEY: Taking control of your life over the protests of your psyche can leave you in a position that only confuses things. A couple of things happened this week to make me reflect on how far I have come or not. I thought after a year and a half that maybe it was time to take off my wedding ring. My premise was that although I always thought that I would go to my own grave with this ring on, I never counted on Barb leaving before me. So I sit here and ponder what this ring means to me and what it means for the future. My current thought is that as I'm moving forward it reminds me of the past and I need to change that perspective in order to really let go. And so, in an attempt to be grown up, reflective and philosophical about material things and continue to fight for the new me, I make a stab at getting the ring off my finger. The problem is that no amount of vasoline, olive oil or tugging and pulling will relieve the finger of something that has been attached to it for thirty five years.
The other thing that happened was that I had my house cleaned by a professional. There is nothing wrong with that because without that kind of help my kids and I would be in over our heads. But, I noticed that she had switched all the utensils around in the drawer to be backwards of how they had been forever. My first thought was so what, just switch them back. How simple. Why would anything so ordinary bother you. You can hear the wheels turning in my head huh? On second thought moving ahead means changes in your life even if it is accepting the spoons are in the wrong place. And so, staying in the past or being in the future is not really the question. Acceptance of who you are now and how you relate to who you want to be is the issue. As I sit here and type this my spoons are still in the wrong or right place depending on perspective and my wedding ring is still on my finger. Life after a death can be as complicated or simple as you want to make it. What is really importan? Spoons, rings, staying in the past or stepping into the future.....what will be the perfect answer for you?


CLARITY


WITH THE JOURNEY COMES CLARITY
THE JOURNEY THROUGH DEATH INTO LIFE
IS LIKE COMING THROUGH A DARKENED TUNNEL
INTO THE LIGHT

AT THE POINT
THAT YOU HAVE REACHED THE END OF THE TUNNEL
TAKE A BREATH AND LOOK AROUND

CLARITY REQUIRES NOTHING
HE'S WATCHING AND HUGGING YOU WITH LOVE
IN HOPES THAT YOU WILL TAKE
THE STEP TO CLARITY

THE JOURNEY: Fathers Day brings with it a realization that this is the first holiday since Barb died that I haven't tried to hide. Up until now the holiday to me was a painful reminder that things were and never will be the same. At times I wanted to hibernate in a cave that would allow the world to continue on outside but let me protect myself. I don't pretend to understand what has happened over the last year and a half. People sometimes say that time stands still. Well in my case it seemed like time disappeared. I honestly don't remember a lot of it. It doesn't seem possible that I became what I call a momdad, learned to live again, work again, feel, find myself and write while all the time being in a fog of uncertainty. But, it happens. Now, I find that I am building the foundation for the future, becoming someone that I like and taking the role of father back. My eldest daughter told me that she is so glad to see me back again and to be able to talk like we used too. Honestly, I think I was always there somewhere but the new me that I see in the mirror really is a combination of old and new. The difference is that I survived and now have created a goal oriented person that is in control of the future. Don't worry, I know the reality of that statement but it sounds good to say it. I will incorporate the strengths of the past with the rights of the future. I will be present in my kids lives and be the father that Barb always knew I could be. Oh, I will make mistakes along the way but I won't be in the cave anymore. Only sunshine for me baby. I think that the lesson learned here is that the fog will lift, the cave will open into the sunshine and time will move forward with or without you. The moment will come when you will realize that rejoining the race brings with it the love that was there all along. You in your protective time out can come back whenever you want and reconnect. So it is a perfect time for me to allow a holiday to be important again. I am very happy that Fathers Day 2010 was my coming out party and that I can throw away the word momdad and proudly accept dad in its place. Now, where are my presents?


REMEMBER

REMEMBER WHEN WALKING MEANT YOU HAD TO MOVE
REMEMBER WHEN THE LIGHT WENT OUT OF YOUR EYES
REMEMBER WHEN SINKING INTO THE FOG WAS YOUR BEST OF DAYS
REMEMBER WHEN TEARS WERE YOUR BEST FRIEND
AND YELLING AT GOD WAS THE ALTERNATIVE TO BLAMING YOURSELF FOR EVERYTHING
REMEMBER THE SUN DIDN'T SHINE ANYMORE
AND THE SOUND OF RAIN DULLED YOUR SENSES

LOOKING BACK IS EASY
WHEN YOU ARE FACING FORWARD
SENSING THAT BEING ONE AGAIN WITH YOURSELF
FINDING LOVE AT THE MOST OPPORTUNE TIME
RELEASING YOURSELF TO THE FATE
THAT HAPPINESS CAN AND WILL BE OBTAINED

WHAT THEN IS TO BE DRAWN
FROM THE BEFORE AND AFTER

WAS IT NECESSARY
WAS IT A LESSON
DID YOU INVITE IT IN
OR DID YOU JUST LIVE

ANSWERS ARE A DIME A DOZEN
RESPONSE IS WHAT MATTERS
THINK
FIND
FEEL
BE OPEN
SENSE THE PURPOSE OF ALL LIFE
RE-MEMBER YOURSELF

THE JOURNEY: A rock chip in the windshield can just stay there forever and not cause any other damage. Or it can spread out in all directions, destroying the vision of the driver. I am looking at a rock chip in my truck and there is this huge line that is slowly forming in the glass. It reminds me of my life since Barb died. The rock chip was the brilliant way that she died. It exploded on impact and sent fine lines around its circumference. Very quick and powerful with surprising sound. At first glance we didn't see the hole that it left. But on second evaluation we discovered that it was worse than we thought. Eventually, a serious crack formed in the glass in two directions. Some of us followed its southerly route until it ended at a edge and we could sigh with relief. Others of us followed the northerly route that has no end in sight and we just aimlessly zig zag back and forth hoping we don't go crazy watching it unfold. Glass repair can be done to some chips but it is really still there. Or you can replace the entire windshield and start over like it never happened. Well really, you will always know that it was broken, it is just that it will all be cleaned up. I don't know if I'm going to get my chip fixed. After all, it reminds me of things that I may not necessarily want to forget.


SO MUCH TIME

I SPENT SO MUCH TIME WITH YOU
AND NOW IT IS JUST CHANGING
YOU'RE IN MY THOUGHTS
YOU'RE IN MY LIGHT
YOU'RE IN MY EVERY SECOND

LETTING GO AND PROGRESSING IS NOT WHAT
I THOUGHT I WOULD EVER DO

WITHOUT YOU I KNEW I COULDN'T MAKE IT
I COULDN'T FUNCTION
I WOULDN'T BE

BUT, REALIZATION OF OUR LIFE PROCEEDING
HAS TAKEN OVER

ALLOWING ME TO CARRY YOU
AND COMMUNICATE

KNOWING LIFE IS MORE THAN THE PAST
BUT ALSO THE FUTURE

YOU AND I WILL NEVER REALLY BE APART
FOREVER BONDED, FOREVER SMART
TO THE UNIVERSAL STORY OF CONTINUING ON THE ROAD
TO THE CHANGING STORY

THE JOURNEY: The sun hit my face for the first time in I can't remember when. It brought tears to my eyes not because Barb is gone, but I got to stay here. It's not tears of sadness but tears of joy. Oh my gosh, I would say that is what is called a break through. Either that or the sun has killed some brain cells. Either way I'm happy. And that seems to be the critical statement. Yes, loosing anyone sets you on the path of going through stages that only you can determine. But the promise that you will get through them and come out of the tunnel into the sunlight is somewhere in the back of your mind. Most people come through OK in time and the promise of being happy is so alluring that it can't help but generate an interest in moving forward. But the reality of being in the midst of that pain story leaves most of us wondering whether the established world really has any clue as to what they are talking about. Being happy. Really? But I'm here to tell you that glimpses will come at the oddest moments. The ebb and flow of your own incredible journey will take you to the edge of happiness sometimes and tease your senses. Just know that we all have the right to be happy and if that doesn't work go outside and have the sun shine on your face. Remember what the sun and happiness feel like and incorporate that into your daily mantra of getting there. Oh, it also helps to be listening to Creedence Clearwater Revival. Plus you get some interesting looks when you are singing and dancing down the street. Glimpses lead to remembering which lead to changes in your life form. Bless your journey.


I'M MOVING ON
THE BEST I CAN SEE, LIFE HAS BEEN PATIENTLY WAITING FOR ME
AND I KNOW
THERE'S NO GUARANTEES, BUT I'M NOT ALONE
THERE COMES A TIME IN EVERY ONE'S LIFE
WHEN ALL YOU CAN SEE ARE THE YEARS PASSING BY
AND I HAVE MADE UP MY MIND
THAT THOSE DAYS ARE GONE

-RASCAL FLATTS-

THE JOURNEY: FOR THOSE OF US THAT HAVE LOST A SPOUSE FOR ANY REASON, LIFE USUALLY TAKES ON A WHOLE NEW MEANING. YOU THINK ABOUT MORTALITY WHERE YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE BEFORE. YOU BECOME THOUGHTFUL IN YOUR INTENTIONS ABOUT YOUR BELIEFS, YOUR FAMILY, YOUR FUTURE AND POSSIBLY EVEN OTHER RELATIONSHIPS. AFTER ALL, SPENDING THE REST OF YOUR LIFE ALONE CAN SCARE THE CRAP OUT OF YOU. SO EVEN THOUGH YOU MAY NOT BE LOOKING FOR IT AT LEAST CONSCIOUSLY, A TIME COMES WHERE YOU SUDDENLY FIND YOURSELF OVERWHELMED WITH EMOTIONS THAT YOU HONESTLY THOUGHT COULDN'T EXIST ANYMORE. SO FOR WHATEVER REASON THAT YOU'LL USE AT THE TIME, YOU FALL INTO THE RELATIONSHIP WITH INTENTION AND PASSION. NOTHING ELSE IS AS IMPORTANT AS THIS CONNECTION. YOU EMERGE FROM THE FOG OF GRIEF WITH THE REALIZATION THAT THERE IS LIFE AFTER DEATH IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE. YOU SAY THINGS LIKE "YOU SAVED MY LIFE", AND YOU REALLY MEAN IT. THE DAY COMES WHEN YOUR BURDENS AND UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS BREAK THE BANK SO TO SPEAK. IT CAN BE OVERWHELMING FOR SOMEONE TO NOT ONLY SAVE YOU, BUT TAKE CARE OF YOU. YOU ALLOWED YOUR EMOTIONS TO SMOTHER AND KILL THE ONE THING THAT BROUGHT YOU OUT OF THE FOG. WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO TAKE ON A PROJECT LIKE THIS KNOWINGLY, AND OF COURSE THE END RESULT IS PROBABLY NOT GOING TO BE WHAT YOU WERE PLANNING. AND, SO IT GOES.....THE REST OF THE STORY AS PAUL HARVEY WOULD SAY. A GOOD LESSON TO LEARN IS TO TRY TO SEPARATE YOURSELF FROM THE EMOTIONS OF SOMEONE PAYING ATTENTION TO YOU. THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU REALLY WANT FROM A RELATIONSHIP FROM BOTH SIDES. AND, DON'T PUT YOUR EXPECTATIONS ON THE OTHER PERSON WITHOUT THEIR CONSENT. WHAT I HAVE REALIZED IS THAT WE HAVE SO MUCH LOVE TO SHARE, BUT WE ALSO KNOW THAT TIME IS SHORTER NOW. LOOK AT THE WHOLE PICTURE AND NOT JUST THE DREAM. I WOULD LIKE TO THANK ALL OF THOSE INDIVIDUALS THAT INVESTED SO MUCH OF THEIR ENERGY INTO ALL OF US THAT HAVE LOST SOMEONE. I HOPE THAT WE DIDN'T SCREW YOU UP TOO MUCH AND THAT YOU CAN MOVE ON AS WELL.
AND SO, BECOMING SOMEONE I WASN'T WAS NEVER THE PERSON I THOUGHT I WOULD BECOME. WITHOUT FREAKING EVERYONE OUT BY BECOMING TO PHILOSOPHICAL, I LOOKED AT THE PERSON I AM NOW AND COMPARED IT TO THE PERSON I THOUGHT I WAS BEFORE BARB DIED. I THINK IT HAS BEEN LONG ENOUGH THAT I CAN STEP BACK AS IF I'M VIEWING MYSELF THROUGH SOMEONE ELSE'S EYES. A LOT HAS HAPPENED. I GRIEVED. TRIED TO FUNCTION AT WORK. LOVED AND LOST. FOUND OUT THAT I COULD CONNECT TO A POWER BEYOND MYSELF AND USE IT TO DEVELOP NEW SKILLS. I BECAME HONEST PROBABLY TO A FAULT. I READ A BOOK CALLED "LOVING GRIEF" BY PAUL BENNETT RECENTLY AND ONE THOUGHT HIT HOME FROM IT. WHEN BARB DIED SHE TOOK MY OLD LIFE WITH HER. SO BECOMING SOMEONE NEW WITH A FOCUS ON THE FUTURE IS THE GOAL. CAN IT BE DONE WITHOUT LOOSING YOURSELF COMPLETELY? I THINK SO. BUT WHAT I REALIZE IS I NEED TO ALSO COME TO GRIPS WITH THE IDEA THAT I MIGHT HAVE TO BE STRONGER AND SAY NO TO THINGS THAT APPEAR TO BE TOO EASY. JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE HAS DONE SOMETHING THEIR WHOLE LIFE DOESN'T MEAN THAT THEY NEED TO CONTINUE TO STAY IN THE SAME CYCLE. THIS IS A PERFECT TIME FOR ME TO STEP OUT OF THE MOLD AND FIND ME. SO ME SAYING I HAVE TO BECOME SOMEONE NEW IS EASY TO SAY BUT HARDER TO ACHIEVE. FIRST OF ALL I HAVE TO LEARN TO LOVE MYSELF FIRST AND DEFINE MYSELF INDIVIDUALLY WITHOUT THE COUPLE-NESS THAT WAS SO EASY TO HIDE BEHIND IN THE PAST. I HAVE TO SET THE BOUNDARIES THAT I AM WILLING TO WORK WITHIN GOING FORWARD AND MOST IMPORTANTLY PICTURE WHAT I'M SUPPOSE TO BE LIKE WHEN I BECOME THE NEW ME. MOST PEOPLE MIGHT NOT SEE ANY DIFFERENCE BUT I BELIEVE WHAT WILL CHANGE WILL BE AT THE SPIRIT LEVEL. IT IS REALLY IMPORTANT TO RE-ESTABLISH A FOUNDATION ON WHICH TO BUILD. I NOW KNOW THAT I HAVE BEEN FUNCTIONING WITHOUT A BASE OF MY OWN. I BELIEVE THAT IT IS GRIEF'S JOB TO KNOCK THE UNDER PINNING OUT FROM UNDER YOUR FOUNDATION SO YOU NEVER FEEL STEADY ON YOUR FEET. CONFUSED, SCARED, AND LONELY TAKE OVER. WHEN SOMEONE COMES ALONG AND SHOWS THE WILLINGNESS TO PUT A COUPLE OF NAILS INTO THE FOUNDATION YOU'RE ARE ALL OVER IT. GRAB ON, DON'T LET GO, AND HOPEFULLY KEEP IT TOGETHER. BUT WHAT YOU'RE FORGETTING IS THAT THOSE COUPLE OF NAILS ARE TEMPORARY FIXES AND THE WALLS WILL COME DOWN EASILY. SO MY PERSONAL GOAL IS TO BUILD A NEW FOUNDATION FROM SCRATCH WITH INTELLIGENCE, COMPASSION, LOVE AND RESPECT. THE RESULT WILL HOPEFULLY BE A MUCH STRONGER ME WITH A CAPACITY TO ACHIEVE IMPORTANCE IN THIS LIFE TIME. I WILL LET YOU KNOW HOW THAT GOES.




LIVE

LIVE THE LIFE YOU WANT TO
NOT THE LIFE YOU THINK YOU'RE SUPPOSE TO

FATE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT
YOU DECIDE WHERE YOU FIT INTO THE SCHEME OF THINGS

HOLD ON TO THE REALITY
THAT YOU CAN HAVE THE LIFE YOU WANT
BUT KEEP IN MIND YOU MIGHT NOT NEED IT

BE THANKFUL FOR THE CHANCE YOU HAVE
TO LIVE THE LIFE YOU WANT
AND USE IT WISELY TO GROW
INTO WHAT YOU SHOULD BE





REFLECTIONS OF A FRIENDSHIP-JAN SCHAECHTERLE

THIS IS ABOUT TWO VERY INFLUENTIAL FEMALES IN MY LIFE. MY DAUGHTER OF 3 1/2 WEEKS DIED ON FEBRUARY 3RD 1977. EXACTLY 32 YEARS LATER TO THE DAY, I ATTENDED THE SERVICE OF A LONG TIME FRIEND WHOM I WAS CONNECTED WITH THROUGH THE LOSS OF OUR FIRST BORN CHILDREN. THAT FRIEND WAS BARB RUSSELL. EVEN THOUGH WE ONLY TALKED A COUPLE OF TIMES A YEAR AND WERE LUCKY TO ACTUALLY SEE EACH OTHER ONCE AT THE HOLIDAYS AND MAYBE AT A SUMMER BARBECUE, SHE WAS A LIFELINE FOR ME. I RARELY USED MY LIFELINE IN RECENT YEARS, BUT DID SO MORE FREQUENTLY 20+ YEARS AGO.

WE WERE INTRODUCED BY OUR LAMAZE TEACHER. MY AMANDA HAD DIED DUE TO A MEDICAL MISTAKE UP AT DOERNBECHER HOSPITAL IN PORTLAND A LITTLE OVER A YEAR EARLIER. WHEN WE FIRST MET, HER JOSHUA HAD BEEN DEAD ABOUT SIX MONTHS. HE TOO, HAD DIED AT DOERNBECHER IN A BOTCHED MEDICAL PROCEDURE. SHE CAME TO MY HOUSE. BY THEN, I HAD A SON, JASON, WHO WAS ABOUT 8 MONTHS OLD. WE CONNECTED IMMEDIATELY. WHEN I SPOKE OF THE CRAZY FEELINGS I'D HAD, SHE UNDERSTOOD. WHEN SHE TALKED ABOUT HER FEARS FOR THE FUTURE, I UNDERSTOOD. I THINK WE TALKED FOR ABOUT 3 HOURS. OUR LIFELINES WERE ESTABLISHED.

IN ANOTHER YEAR OR SO, BARB WAS PREGNANT WITH HER SECOND CHILD, MICAH. I FEEL LIKE I WAS HER LIFELINE THROUGH THAT EXPERIENCE ALONG WITH HER PREGNANCY WITH BETTY. THEN THE TABLES TURNED AND SHE WAS SUPPORTING ME THOUGH A DIVORCE AND SHE AND MIKE HELPED ME MOVE OUT OF MY HOUSE INTO AN APARTMENT. MY LIFELINE.....

TIME PASSED. THEY LIVED IN MT. ANGEL, THEN IN ARIZONA, THEN RETURNED TO OREGON. BARB AND I DROVE AROUND UNTIL THEY FOUND THE HOUSE THEY LIVED IN FOR 26 YEARS. SHE ALWAYS CLAIMED THAT I FOUND IT FOR THEM, WHEN INDEED WE DID IT TOGETHER. HER LIFELINE....

NEXT THING YOU KNOW, THEY ARE ADOPTING A BOY FROM KOREA AND HENRY AND I WERE ASKED TO BE HIS GODPARENTS. THIS BROUGHT TEARS TO MY EYES THAT I WAS ASKED TO HOLD SUCH AN HONOR IN DALE'S LIFE. THE ADOPTION PROCESS SEEMED TO TAKE FOREVER BEFORE HE FINALLY CAME HOME. I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME I MET HIM AND HAD SUCH JOY FOR THEIR GROWING FAMILY. HER/MY LIFELINE.....

LATER ON MY SON WAS IN CONTINUAL TROUBLE AND HAD PROBLEMS FOR A LONG TIME DURING HIS TEEN YEARS. SHE WAS THERE TO LISTEN TO ME ALONG THE WAY. SHE NEVER JUDGED BUT ONLY SUPPORTED AND CHECKED IN ON ME. MY LIFELINE......

THROUGH ALL THIS TIME, I WOULD OFTEN GET A CARD/CALL ON AMANDA'S BIRTHDAY AND I WOULD CALL OR SEND A CARD ON JOSHUA'S BIRTHDAY. WE AGREED THAT TIME HELPED TO HEAL THE WOUNDS, BUT THEY WERE STILL THERE. EVEN AFTER 20 YEARS, WE KNEW THAT THE PAIN WAS JUST UNDER THE SURFACE AND THAT WE WOULD LIVE WITH IT ALL THE REST OF OUR LIVES. YOU SEE, SHE UNDERSTOOD...I UNDERSTOOD. HER/MY LIFELINE....

I DIDN'T REALLY KNOW HOW ILL BARB REALLY WAS. SHE DIDN'T LET ON IN OUR CONVERSATIONS AND I ACTUALLY THOUGHT THE DOCTORS HAD FOUND A SOLUTION FOR HER AND THAT SHE WAS DOING BETTER. BOY WAS I WRONG. ON THE THURSDAY BEFORE SHE DIED. I FELT LIKE I HAD PULLED A MUSCLE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF MY CHEST, IN MY STERNUM. CALL IT COINCIDENCE. IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN. IT LASTED UNTIL FRIDAY NIGHT WHEN I GOT THE CALL. THEN IT WAS GONE AS SUDDENLY AS IT HAD COME ON. LIKE I SAID, MAYBE IT WAS A COINCIDENCE...THEN AGAIN, MAYBE IT WAS MY LIFELINE TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING.

WHEN WE WENT TO THE FLORIST TO ORDER FLOWERS FOR THE SERVICE, I DISCOVERED THAT THE MEMORIAL WOULD BE ON THE 3RD OF FEBRUARY...THE SAME DAY AND ALMOST THE EXACT HOUR THAT MY AMANDA HAD PASSED. ANOTHER COINCIDENCE OR WAS IT MY LIFELINE TELLING ME THAT SHE WAS WITH AMANDA NOW...WATCHING OVER HER? MY MIND WAS THINKING MANY THINGS AND MY LOGICAL BRAN WAS SAYING THAT THIS WAS NONSENSE. WHAT FINALLY CINCHED IT WAS WHEN A STUDENT STARTED COMING INTO THE LIBRARY WHERE I WORK(IN A MIDDLE SCHOOL). SHE HADN'T BEEN IN THERE VERY OFTEN, BUT STARTED COMING IN EVERY DAY TO VISIT WITH ME. IN FACT SHE EVEN GOT INTO TROUBLE FOR SKIPPING CLASSES TO HANG OUT IN THE LIBRARY WITH ME. HER NAME WAS AMANDA AND DURING THIS TIME I DISCOVERED THAT HER MIDDLE NAME WAS MARIE. MY AMANDA'S NAME WAS AMANDA MARIE. IN MY HEART, I KNOW THAT BARB, MY LIFELINE, WAS TELLING ME SOMETHING. MY LOGICAL BRAIN TELLS ME THAT THIS IS NOT POSSIBLE, BUT MY HEART TELLS ME OTHERWISE. AMANDA HUNG OUT WITH ME UNTIL THE END OF THE YEAR. THEN SHE MOVED ON TO HIGH SCHOOL. I HAVEN'T SEEN HER SINCE, BUT HER MEMORY LINGERS WITH ME. BARB'S HOWEVER, DOES MORE THAN LINGER. SHE IS SORELY MISSED. I DON'T HAVE THAT PERSON I CAN CALL WHEN I AM FEELING SOMETHING STRANGE RELATED TO AMANDA. BOTH OF THEM ARE IN MY HEART TOGETHER AND I FEEL GOOD THAT THEY ARE TOGETHER, BUT PROFOUNDLY SAD THAT BARB IS NOT HERE TO SEE HER KIDS GROW, MARRY, HAVE CHILDREN AND SHARE ALL OF THAT WITH MIKE. MIKE IS CORRECT. IT IS ALL A JOURNEY AS HE STATES WHEN HE BEGINS HIS BLOG. SOMETIMES YOU HAVE A LIFELINE AND SOMETIMES YOU DON'T.

THANK YOU AMANDA FOR SETTING MY PRIORITIES AND FOR MAKING ME LOVE MORE THAN I EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE. THANK YOU BARB, FOR YOUR YEARS OF SUPPORT AND BEING MY LIFELINE...AND FOR WATCHING OVER MY AMANDA AND YOUR JOSH. LOVE, JAN.

THE JOURNEY: "Be you dust or be you stone, to be what you must just reach out for what you are-Yusef(Cat Stevens)
What is bravery and how would you define it? I recently completed reading my friends journal about the long process of death of her husband Jim. Lynn St Georges wrote about the trials, tribulations and love of her husband during his illness and ultimate death. It is full of poignant memories that bring out all the human traits of care giving. So much truth is hard to read sometimes but care giving is such an all consuming environment to be in that it takes a special person to enter that world. What I envisioned by reading this heartfelt journal was a very brave individual who took on a role that no one should have to endure. Out of love for the dying we sometimes go beyond what would normally be our comfort level and achieve what can only be considered to be super human. I'm pretty sure that Lynn would not consider herself to be brave. But being the one looking in from the outside, her story as well as may others in the same position have to be considered the ultimate act of bravery. You take on a role that can be so painful and demeaning that it is like a gunfight in the old west. Both parties are brave and most of those watching would not do it. My sister in law Judy took the same role on in taking care of my brother during his illness. Until this very moment, I don't think I adequately thanked Judy for all the care and love she showed my brother during his death journey. The rest of us that have not gone through the care giver story can't possibly begin to understand that day to day existence. We only look from the outside and don't know or don't want to know what is really going on. So for all the care givers of the world, you rock.


YOUR TRIED TO TELL ME

YOU TRIED TO TELL ME
I WOULDN'T LISTEN
YOUR PAIN MIXED WITH YOUR DIEING SPIRIT

YOU TRIED TO TELL ME
I WOULDN'T HEAR
YOU THOUGHT WE WOULD BE BETTER WITHOUT YOU

YOU TRIED TO TELL ME
I WOULDN'T SEE
YOUR BODY DECREASING IN ENERGY SHOWING IN THE PHOTOS

TELL ME NOW, I WILL LISTEN
TELL ME NOW, I WILL HEAR
TELL ME NOW, I WILL SEE

IT'S NEVER TOO LATE
TO SAY YOU'RE SORRY
IT'S NEVER TO LATE TO CARE


In a recent posting I invited folks to write about the special person in their life. I would post it in a separate section on this blog and send it out into the ether. This would be symbolic of their story never ending and a way to share them with the rest of the universe. The following is the first of those stories.

JIM TIFFINS STORY-Saturday, April 4, 2009

I want those who aren't family or close friends to know a little more about Jim so you can know the man as he was before this time.
Besides being my husband, Jim also is Amber's father and the youngest of four children with three older sisters. Before becoming too sick to work 4 years ago this month, Jim was a machinist his entire career(since 18 years old, learning under his father). Jim was very good at what he did and had an amazing work ethic. His work ethic was one of the things that drew me to him, though it did get in the way some times;e.g.,when were preparing to go on vacation, I'd always ask him to try to be home on time or even a little early to help me and he always was 2 hours late. "I had to tie up loose ends," he'd say, and I'd remind him he punched a clock and nobody else would do that and he said it just wasn't his way.
Jim and I met June 7, 1979, a date that we disputed over until I googled the day of the week that we met and I was right. I was working late at a jewelry shop, which was owned by some of his friends. He stopped by with Amber on his hip, this 22-month old, and I mentioned the group working late was meeting at my house after work and to join us. He said he'd take Amber home and then stop by.
Jim came by my house and around midnight was the last person there. We were listening to music when he asked "do you have any Joni Mitchell?" and my heart was his and that's where he stayed. We've been inseparable ever since. When I mention our meeting story to him he always smiles and says the Joni Mitchell line worked every time, but I'm pretty sure he's only teasing me and though he's never said for certain, I like to believe he only said those words to me.
Jim and I have had a good life together. We have traveled,and we partook in the American Dream. It wasn't his body that caused him to first file for disability, but his mind...the decline in cognition had begun 4 years ago and working became too hard for him.
Jim is a kind, sensitive soft-spoken man. He is a quiet man who is modest and reserved. He can be quick to anger but forgives and forgets easily. He is gentle with animals and children and smiles so sweetly at little girls. We have had a good life these last nearly 30 years, with all the highs and lows that go with a long-term relationship...days we wanted to kill each other and days we quite literally hurt from how much we loved each other.-Lynn St Georges_

JIM TIFFIN DIED SEPTEMBER 2, 2009

THE JOURNEY: Mid life....sounds so stuffy and permanent. You hear a lot about it but what is it really? To a twenty year old mid life is probably thirty. Really, think back to when you were twenty. Yea, your thinking it. I always thought that mid life was half way to the rocking chair on the porch that Barb and I were going to share in retirement. Perspective changes quickly. So now what? Do I have a crises? And what is a crises anyway? Is it where you push important people in your life away from you by becoming so complex that the baggage you are carrying to the terminal would weigh down three porters let alone one? Is it a crises when you picture yourself on a Harley going across country after you've sold everything off just to write a book about people you meet along the way? Is it a crises when you suddenly shave the beard off that has been attached to your face since the Nixon years? I think crises makes it sound like your in jeopardy of loosing your mind instead of taking control of it. Sometimes what may appear to be a rash change to some really is just the taking back of control in ones life and nothing else. It takes a leap of faith to get to the top of the mountain. I can tell you that a death in your life can profoundly shake up the world as you know it. Also I can tell you that shaving your beard off can get a conversation going with the people around you, especially the youngest daughter who has never seen your chin before. Remember what I said about mid life to a young person. I rest my case.


PURPOSE


MY INTENDED PURPOSE IN LIFE
WAS TO GROW OLD GRACEFULLY
WITH THE ONE I LOVE

FATE HAD ANOTHER PLAN
TO CHANGE THAT OUTCOME
FROM DESTINY TO CONFUSION

OTHER PLANS EMERGED
CREATING HOPE THAT WAS LOST
AND GOALS THAT ARE SHARED

A SINGLE MOMENT IN TIME
CHANGED THE LIVES FOREVER
TO BE BIGGER AND MORE BEAUTIFUL
THEN THE ORIGINAL PLAN EVER INTENDED