THE JOURNEY: I'm going to be honest here. Being a person on an emotional roller coaster really sucks. As a man, somewhere in the back of my mind I am reminded that we don't show emotion. Well let me tell you, I identify with people that are manic in nature. You can be so happy one second and then a bolt of lightning can hit you and you find yourself a wiggling bowl of jello. A picture, a song, a smell, or a voice can all lead to these wild ups and downs. I am not saying that it's not normal, but it is just darn exhausting. Your hoping that it will end some day, but at the same time it is what keep you connected. So you keep moving forward, not knowing what is around the corner to provoke or be a joy. Huh, sounds like life.

A NEED TO BE SAD

A NEED TO BE SAD LOOMS
LIKE GROUND HUGGING FOG
COVERING EVERYTHING IN ITS PATH

SUN BREAKS THROUGH
SHINING INTO THE FACE
MUSIC OF THE ANGELS
PLAYS IN THE MIND

TIME DOESN'T CHANGE ANYTHING
IT ONLY PUTS SPACE INTO THE SADNESS
WAITING FOR THE WAVE TO BREAK OVER THE ROCK
BRINGS MOMENTARY RELIEF

TAKE THE SADNESS WITH YOU
USE IT WISELY
GO INTO THE FUTURE
KNOWING YOU CAN
AND SOMEHOW GROW TO MEET YOURSELF

THE JOURNEY: Discovery of yourself can be shocking at times. You think that you are strong, and that your are becoming an independent person for the first time in over thirty years. And then you realize that your are actually relying on others in your life to keep yourself in the same state of being that you are so used to. I think that being aware that you want to move forward in your human-ness is a good step in understanding that the process is harder than you think. It takes time and effort to take control of the forces that keep you from moving in the direction you want to go. I understand now that it is a balancing act between independence and reliance. Both are good, but controlling the mixture makes a better recipe.

SLOW TREADMILL

I FEEL LIKE I'M ON A SLOW TREADMILL AND RUNNING FAST
MY HEART KNOWS THERE IS AN ANSWER
MY MIND WANTS IT NOW

FOR EVERY QUESTION THERE IS AN ANSWER
BUT I CAN'T HEAR IT
BECAUSE I'M RUNNING TOO FAST

LIFES MYSTERIES ARE AT MY FINGERTIPS
COMMUNICIATION IS JUST A HEARTBEAT AWAY
BUT MY PACE NEEDS TO SLOW TO THE RIGHT SPEED

LINKING THE ENERGY BY REQUEST
COMING INTO ALIGNMENT WITH THE VIBRATION ON BOTH SIDES
REQUIRES LITTLE BUT INTENTION

SO NOW THAT THE ANSWER IS KNOWN
SLOW DOWN
TAKE A BREATH
REQUIRE NOTHING
AND THE CONNECTION WILL OCCUR BECAUSE IT CAN

THE JOURNEY: I was walking out of the grocery store a while back, and saw a gentleman walking in. Now that is not unusual of course, but it was how he was walking in that stood out. Tears streaming down his face, walking very slowly, sagging shoulders and a dazed expression that said he didn't know or care what was going on around him. I immediately saw myself from nine months earlier. I thought about stopping him and telling him I know what he is going through. It is interesting that what really happened was that intuition kicked in and stopped me. No matter what was happening to him at that exact moment or me earlier, it was ours and ours alone. Allowing someone to grieve without interference sometimes is the most valuable gift you can give. "Know when to hold um, and know when to walk away"

TACKLING GHOSTS

THOSE THAT GO HOME BEFORE US
TAKE WITH THEM SMALL PIECES
OF EACH OF US LEFT BEHIND

LOOKING OVER A LIFE TIME SO FAR
WE ARE SURROUNDED BY MEMORIES
OF FATHERS, MOTHERS, SISTERS AND BROTHERS
SONS AND DAUGHTERS, GRANDMOTHERS AND GRANDFATHERS

YOU CHOOSE HOW YOU TREAT THE GHOSTS OF THE PAST
FREEDOM COMES WHEN YOU CAN REMEMBER
EACH AND EVERYONE OF THEM
AS CONTRIBUTING TO YOUR CURRENT PATH

GOOD OR BAD, HAPPY OR SAD
TACKLE THE GHOSTS WITH GRACE
KEEP YOUR HEART OPEN TO THE LESSONS LEARNED
AND REJOICE THAT THEY ARE STILL WITH YOU

THE JOURNEY: I Just returned from a vacation to the Virgin Islands. My eldest son and daughter inlaw thought that because I had not had a vacation in a long time, that I needed to get away from the unseen risks associated with the death of a spouse. So I flew across the country, took three planes, two taxis, and a ferry to get to the hope of my salvation. Once I got over the travel shock, I looked around and realized where I was. It suddenly occurred to me that you can travel around the world and still be in the same mental frame of mind no matter where you go. So....day three I swam with the fish and found something I had lost. ME. Swimming with millions of juvenile fish and thinking you can walk on their backs to the beach is a life altering experience. My suggestion for anyone that has lost a spouse is to look at yourself when your ready and find your passion. This in turn will help in finding the real YOU, and we all know how important that is in moving on. Swim with the fish, adopt a dog, volunteer in your community. Find yourself and your passion. I will be there to cheer you on.

IGNORING A MIRACLE

HOW CAN YOU IGNORE A MIRACLE
THAT FORMS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU
BEAUTY IN NATURE
IS SO PROFOUND
WHEN YOU ARE AT YOUR LOWEST
IT SLAPS YOU IN THE FACE

PINK CLOUDS AT SUNSET
RAINBOW TOUCHING THE GROUND
LIGHT SHOWERS WETTING THE PAPER
EAGLE CIRCLING OVERHEAD

CHOICE IS SO EASY
EACH OF US DETERMINES THE WAY TO GO
EVERY DIRECTION IS CORRECT
ONLY YOU CAN FIND YOUR PATH

CHOOSE A MIRACLE
LET IT GO BY
SEE IT IF YOU WANT TO
OR LIVE WITHOUT IT
IT IS ALL RIGHT

THE JOURNEY: We have been going to Manzanita Beach for a long time as a family and a couple. So it seemed appropriate that for Thanksgiving we should go to the place that means so much to us. I was in complete control of my emotions, blocking out the fact that this was the first Thanksgiving without Barb. I had my armour on and was well protected until one of my sons asked, "how are you doing dad"? IT IS AMAZING, how fast cracks can appear in your armour. Dang, you think you are in control and life lets you know you aren't. Lets just say that the rest of the day was spent trying to grey tape the armour together. You gotta love grey tape. Mercifully the day ended with a hope that the next day would be brighter. It was.

WHERE ARE YOU

WHAT IS THE ANSWER TO MY QUESTION, "WHERE ARE YOU"
YOU'RE IN THE GENTLE BREEZE BRUSHING MY CHEEK
YOU'RE IN THE FLOCK PLAYING WITH THE BIRDS
YOU'RE IN THE AIR FLOATING WITH THE SEED
YOU'RE IN MY MIND PLAYING WITH ME

YOU BEGIN TO ARRIVE THE DAY YOU DIED
TO REMIND ME THAT LIFE HAS MEANING AND WE'RE NEVER APART
I'VE BEEN WAITING TO CONTINUE THE CONVERSATION
NOW REALIZING THAT WE'VE BEEN DOING IT ALL ALONG

SO I'M GOING TO STOP ASKING "WHERE ARE YOU"
INSTEAD I'M GOING TO FEEL YOU IN EVERYTHING I DO
GENTLE PEACE
QUIET CONTEMPLATION
ANGER AND DEVOTION

IT DOESN'T MATTER
BECAUSE I KNOW YOU'RE HERE
FOREVER CONNECTED
REALIZING THE FEAR

THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME THAT YOUR PRESENCE BEGINS
AND ENDS WITH THE THOUGHT
THAT I DON'T HAVE TO ASK, "WHERE YOU ARE"

THE JOURNEY: I definitely can't talk for everyone else that has lost someone, but for myself, holidays have been extraordinarily hard this year. The two big ones are coming up and of course they are the ones that Barb most treasured. I just realized yesterday that I have done nothing. I have not collected gifts for the past two months and hidden them in the closet. I have not gone to the Dollar store and bought out the candy section. I have not put any thought into what to get special friends and family members. And something I have personally done for 25 years was to decorate the outside of the house with lights and moving animals has not really crossed my mind. Now that I am thinking about it my question is what the heck is going on? I believe in my heart I have been doing my own version of a peaceful protest. Yea, I know.....flashback. Without getting too analytical on myself, I think that it is one of the few ways that I can still protest what has happened. A really close friend reminded me that traditions are not just mine but are a shared experience. The lesson here for those of us on this ship is to not forget the important things we have done in the past. Get involved, get input, make changes if you want to but don't let your protest change what is important to remember. It may hurt, but instead of protesting,think of the traditions of your life as a gift.

QUIET PEACE

FLOATING THROUGH TIME
WAITING FOR SOMETHING TO HAPPEN
THE LONGER YOU GET AWAY
DEATH STOPS TAKING SUCH A FIRM GRIP

REFLECTING ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL NOW
SEEMS SO HARD TO PLACE INTO PERSPECTIVE
BUT SO MUCH HAS OCCURRED
SINCE YOUR FORMER REALITY

THE ONLY RELIANCE
IS TO TAKE STOCK ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL
AND LET LOVE GUIDE YOU
TO A PLACE THAT WAS SO HARD TO GET TOO

WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE?
WHERE ARE YOU?
I HAVE COME TO A PLACE THAT EVERYONE SEEKS
THE PLACE OF QUIET PEACE

MY JOURNEY: I wanted to return to what walking means to me. If I was going to give any advice to anyone after the loss of a loved one, it would be to walk. Take the first step whether you feel like it or not. Here is what I see happening if you don't.
Imagine a tree being planted. It takes root slowly and grows. Things happen around it, but it never goes anywhere. Pretty soon it looses its leaves and although it may come back, it may also wither from lack of attention. Don't be a tree. Take the step that could save your spirit.

WALKING BACKWARDS

WALKING BACKWARDS IN YOUR FOOTSTEPS
SEEING THE DEPRESSION OF THE SOUL
FINDING HELP WITHIN ITS CANYONS
REQUIRES VERY LITTLE BUT LETTING GO

FOLLOW THE STEPS BACKWARDS IN TIME
TAKES YOU TO PLACES YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN
WHO OR WHAT CAME BY BEFORE YOU
IS ONLY FOUND IN YOUR IMAGINATION

FINDING HOPE IN THE FOOTSTEPS COMMITTED
IS THE ART OF LETTING GO
AND OPENING YOUR HEART
TO HAVE THE THE FFELINGS THAT YOUR DIDN'T
THINK YOU HAD ANYMORE

SO WALKING BACKWARDS IN YOUR FOOTSTEPS
ALLOWS ME TO GO WITH YOU ON YOUR JOURNEY
IF ONLY FOR A MOMENTARY FLIGHT OF FANTASY

THE JOURNEY: Sometimes on this trip we're on you need to stop and take stock in the direction you're going and see if everyone is in the vehicle. You don't want to leave someone at the gas station but if you do it would be a good thing to turn around and go pick them up.
Ok, I know what you are thinking. What the heck does this little story have to do with anything.
What I have found on this journey, is that I have spent so much time trying to save myself, that I might have not been doing a good enough job keeping everyone in the car. When you loose someone a really good lesson to learn is to keep checking in to see if everyone is moving in the same direction and whether help might be needed. The ultimate goal should be for all persons involved to reach the destination at the same time, without too much damage. Lesson learned.

SECOND GUESSES

SECOND GUESSES ARE LIKE PUTTY
SLIPPERY AND SHINY ON THE OUTSIDE
SOFT AND FLOWING ON THE INSIDE

SECOND GUESSES ARE LIKE RAIN ON A SUNNY DAY
SPARKLING WITH SUNS RAYS
BUT WET AND COLD JUST THE SAME

SECOND GUESSES CAN BE PLANTED
WATERED
RAISED TO MATURE
NEVER REALLY HELPING RESOLVE

BE AWARE OF SECOND GUESSES
ACKNOWLEDGE THEM
BOW TO THEM
BUT TREAT THEM AS THEY SHOULD BE
PART OF THE ROAD TO RECOVERY

THE JOURNEY: Guys aren't suppose to cry. At least that is what I and a lot of other guys grew up on in the fifties. Macho, feelings held closely to the vest, and if you are going to cry, do it in the privacy of your own home. Here is my opinion on that. BALONEY. Without loosing the manhood trap, keeping the feelings bottled up is just darn destructive and such a waste. Allowing yourself the honor of grieving and releasing the emotions puts you in control of moving forward.

STOP SIGN TEARS

PULLING UP SLOWLY
LOST IN THOUGHTS OF THE PAST
NEVER KNOWING WHEN IT WILL HIT YOU
TEARS GLIDE DOWN WITH SUPRIZE

THOUGHTS THAT YOU ARE BEYOND IT
FLASH OUT BRINGING YOU BACK INTO THE DREAM
WHAT IS DIFFERENT WITH THIS MOMENT AND WHY NOW

REALIZING THAT YOU CAN'T CONTROL
THE FEELINGS HIDDEN IN THE CREASES OF YOUR IDENTITY
ALLOW YOURSELF THE FREEDOM TO BE WHO YOU NEED TO BE

GO WITHIN AND KNOW THAT IT IS GOOD TO REMEMBER
NEVER FORGET , NEVER REGRET
GROWTH AS A HUMAN ALLOWS YOU TO TAKE THE FEELINGS WITH YOU

ALSO, YOU MIGHT WANT TO STEP ON THE GAS
AND LEAVE THE STOP SIGN BEHIND YOU
IT WILL BE THERE FOR ANOTHER DAY

THE JOURNEY: There are moments in everyones lives when they are going along minding their own business and a song comes through and hits home. You've probably heard it before but not really, because all of a sudden this song opens a door and the words are speaking directly to you. I call these theme songs. I think when you loose someone you grab on to these theme songs because they not only touch your heart but it's like they are helping move you to a safer place. One song that did this for me is Tyrone Wells song "More".
He speaks volumes to me with a few lines. "I think we are all afraid that we might be alone down here. We all want to have some faith. At least that's true in my case to just believe.
I've seen the heights reminding me I'm alive. I don't want to die. I don't want to waste another day or night. I know there is something more than what we are living for. "

THEME SONG

SOMETIMES WHEN YOU HEAR A SONG
IT CAN TAKE YOU AWAY
TO PLACES UNKNOWN

A THEME SONG OF YOUR LIFE
RELINQUISHES CONTROL
TO ALLOW YOU TO DREAM
OF A PLACE THAT COULD BE REAL
OR A FEELING OF SECURITY

BE IN THE MOMENT
WITH A THOUGHT IN THE NOW
BUT ALLOW THE THEME SONG
TO RESTORE YOUR BALANCE FOR THE FUTURE

THEME SONGS
ARE NOT ESCAPING
FROM THE REALITIES OF YOUR LIFE
THEY SMOOTH THE HILLS OF EMOTIONS
TO LAND YOU SOFTLY AMOUNG YOURSELF

THE JOURNEY: Each walk took on a life of its own. Usually in addition to what was going on mentally, I was in some sort of physical pain with the back or the leg. These longer distance walks were a battle between my stubbornness and aging body. Usually what would happen is that I would target a bench that was at the halfway mark so I could sit and recouperate. Now if that doesn't make you feel old nothing will. Reaching the bench was an accomplishment that wasn't lost on me. It not only gave me a goal but allowed me to find a place to play in my thoughts.

TWO SOULS

TWO SOULS
ONE CONNECTION
ONE ON EARTH, ONE IN SPIRIT
JOINED TOGETHER BY A COMMON CAUSE
TO HELP MANKIND HEAL

DEATH IS NOT THE END
IT'S ONLY THE BEGINNING
WORKING TOGETHER TO PRODUCE THE RESULTS
THAT WILL HELP YOU AND I TO COPE

NEVER SELFISH, ALWAYS TRUE
THE TWO TOGETHER GIVE THE CONCERT
OF THE HEAVENS
THAT EACH OF US WILL UNDERSTAND

SO MOURN IF YOU MUST
GRIEVE UNTIL IT HURTS
BUT KNOW THAT THE CONNECTION IS GREATER NOW

THE JOURNEY: Walking further and faster each day allowed me to talk to Barb. I got angry, told her that I loved her and demanded more, sometimes in the same sentence. I think when you are in the middle of the emotion, we as humans think we can control everything by doing what we always do. What we don't realize is that this is one of those times when we can no longer have any control over what matters the most. The fog that I was in didn't seem quite as dense allowing me to get glimpses of reality outside of myself.

WHY

WHY IS IT WHEN YOU CAN'T FIND LOVE
IT IS STARING YOU IN THE FACE

WHY IS IT WHEN YOU NEED AN ANSWER
YOU DON'T HEAR IT BEING WHISPERED TO YOU

WHY IS IT THAT WHEN FEAR TAKES HOLD
LOVE IS HIDING IN THE MIST

WHY IS IT THAT WHEN PAIN TAKES OVER
IT IS ALLOWED A VOICE

WHY IS IT WHEN YOU SEE A MIRACLE
IT CAN'T BE SEEN FOR WHAT IT IS

LIFE

THE JOURNEY: I looked at Jack our dog one day and I said out loud, "this is ridiculous". I knew right then that if i did not make a choice to walk further and faster I was literally going to die. I believe that when folks loose someone close we all get to that point of either making the choice to live or die. That walk changed my life. On that first long walk the first poem came streaming in and wouldn't get out of my head until I wrote it down. Unfortunately I didn't have a pen or paper and had to keep saying it over and over for two miles until I made it to a downtown Starbucks and could find a napkin and a borrowed pen. I was greatly relieved to put the following words to paper, even though I didn't really understand what just happened.

I FOUND GOD WITHIN

I FOUND GOD IN THE WIND
I FOUND GOD IN THE SUN
I FOUND GOD IN THE WATER
I FOUND GOD IN THE SKY

I FOUND GOD WITHIN

I FOUND GOD IN DEATH
I FOUND GOD IN LIFE
I FOUND GOD IN TEARS
I FOUND GOD IN LAUGHTER

I FOUND GOD WITHIN

I FOUND GOD IN A DOGS EYES
I FOUND GOD IN A CATS CALL
I FOUND GOD IN A FLOWER
I FOUND GOD IN SILENCE

I FOUND GOD WITHIN

I FOUND GOD IN THE OCEAN
I FOUND GOD IN THE MOUNTAINS
I FOUND GOD IN THE STREAMS
I FOUND GOD IN DESERTS

I FOUND GOD WITHIN

I FOUND GOD IN A BOOK
I FOUND GOD IN MUSIC
I FOUND GOD IN MEDITATION
I FOUND GOD IN THE LIGHT

I FOUND GOD WITHIN

I FOUND GOD IN FEAR
I FOUND GO IN LOVE
I FOUND GOD IN PAIN
I FOUND GOD IN WORK

I FOUND GOD WITHIN

THANK YOU

THE JOURNEY:In the early days following Barbs death simple things like walking were difficult. I tried walking around one block and could hardly move my legs. My mind was trying really hard to take one step at a time but my body wasn't reacting. I believe that there is a very powerful disconnect of your senses and body from your mind in these times, and I am not sure if it is protective or destructive.


THE COMPASS

THE COMPASS GUIDES US WHERE WE NEED TO GO
THE COMPASS SAVES US FROM GETTING LOST
THE COMPASS BRINGS US BACK TO WHERE WE STARTED

ALL DIRECTIONS LEAD TO YOU
WITH THE COMPASSES HELP THE JOURNEY IS EASY
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHICH DIRECTION YOU GO
YOU WILL ALWAYS BE ABLE TO FIND YOUR WAY

WITHOUT THE COMPASS
I WILL GET LOST
MY LIFE WILL BECOME FOGGY
MY MEANING WILL DISAPPEAR

YOU ARE MY COMPASS
YOU RIGHT ME WHEN I AM WRONG
YOU LEAD ME WHERE I NEED TO GO
YOU SAVE ME FROM MYSELF

NO MATTER WHAT DIRECTION I GO
WHETHER IT IS EAST, WEST, NORTH, OR SOUTH
I KNOW THAT YOU WILL BE WITH ME
AND FOREVER BE MY COMPASS

THE JOURNEY : When Barb died, it was like a light went out. I remember feeling like every cell in my body was drained of energy. Lifeless, non-emotional, cold, and hopeless. The only thing I can compare it to is the marionette puppet hanging in my closet as a kid. The form was there but nothing was working.

YOU ARE

YOU ARE MY LIGHT
YOU ARE MY SOUL
YOU ARE ME

YOU ARE RIGHT
YOU ARE WRONG
YOU ARE ME

YOU ARE LOVE
YOU ARE FEAR
YOU ARE ME

YOU ARE EVERTHING
YOU ARE NOTHING
YOU ARE ME


YOU ARE MY LIGHT
YOU ARE MY SOUL
YOU ARE ME

Inspiration comes in many forms. You may be inspired to take a walk, build a backyard memorial or write something. In my case it was inspiration that allowed me to do all the above. My wife is my inspiration, even though she died January 29, 2009. Her name is Barbara and she was my compass during our marriage and is still after her death.
After she died I was inspired to write poetry. Now I'm sure that this has happened to other people but if you knew me it would come as a total surprise. I'm going to be honest. I grew up not liking or reading poetry. So me writing poetry can be considered to be a cosmic joke. I believe it is Barb's way to get me to think outside of my comfort zone and to help me get ready to do other things. I have never studied how to put them together, what is proper, or whether they are even remotely worth reading. What I can promise is that they were all given to me with love, and intention. The verses or titles flash into my mind and d0n't let go until I write them down. Once I do write them down then I typically forget them. I don't even remember them an hour later. I know that they are coming from a source outside of myself. I find this to be extremely comforting or scary depending on how you want to view it. I will post one a week and see how it goes. If you relate to my words that's great. If not, I understand. The hope is that it will bring comfort where needed and most of all show that love crosses all boundaries. Be open, be loved and know that you are not alone.

INSPIRED

SHE LIT UP MY WORLD
DIRECTED MY DREAMS
AND GAVE ME LOVE EVEN
IF I DIDN'T DESERVE IT

SHE CAME IN PEACE
AND DIED WITH LOVE
SENDING US ALL ON PATHS OF OUR OWN

SHE GAVE TO EVERYONE
SERVING FIRST
RECEIVING LATER

THE BEAM OF LIGHT THAT SHE IS NOW
WILL CHANGE THE WORLD
FOR THE BETTER