THE JOURNEY: Getting my car washed the other day reminded me of life. As you are being pulled through the space, you can just see glimpses of the outside through all the hyper activity going on around you. Coming through any death in a family can put you into that car wash space. You are surrounded by all of the noise and arms reaching out for you and being flooded by a deluge of water. But if you can relax just a little and try to look out through that fog, you'll see something remarkable. Clearly between the chaotic activity is a sparkling picture of what can and will be. You realize that there is a world out there that can be beautiful and rewarding and then you break out of the car wash into the reality. I love it when these flashes of inspiration take hold. So, continuing on with that theme while rewriting the book version one requirement is that you actually have to read what you wrote at the beginning of the journey. What I have discovered is that it isn't easy to see where I came from. But, that is what it is all about.



PEACE


IF PEACE HAD A FEELING
IT WOULD FEEL LIKE A SLIGHT BREEZE
SWIRLING AROUND THE BODY

THE COOLNESS OF THE WATER
AT THE RIVERS EDGE

THE LOOK OF A LOVER
WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT

THE WARMTH OF THE SUNS RAYS
AS THEY FLOAT THROUGH THE TREE
AND GENTLY REST ON THE ARM

SITTING IN A MEADOW HIGH IN THE MOUNTAINS
LISTENING TO NOTHING AND EVERYTHING AT THE SAME TIME

PEACE COMES IN MANY FLAVORS
MOMENTS AND SOUNDS

BEING AWARE IS ONLY HALF OF IT
FEELING PEACE IS THE COMPLETION

THE JOURNEY: Walking a tightrope without a net would seem at first glance to be stupid. No protection with only the hope of success or the risk of failure. I don't need to tell you what failure would mean. Families provide a net, work, passion, love, exercise, friends all provide nets. But sometimes not having a net can provide you with the most profound growth experiences especially when you are trying to survive the death of a loved one. Recently I was trying to decide if I should come to an end with this blog. You guessed it. This blog has been my net and I was thinking that maybe I should step out on the rope without a net. I asked for input from friends and the consensus seemed to be to continue with the blog. I had been thinking for quite a while that I wanted to put this into some form of book format but to be honest I couldn't mentally see a finished product so I put it on hold. Walking a couple of days ago and you guessed it, talking to my self and Barb, the whole format picture came to me. So now I know how it is suppose to look so all I have to do is make it happen. One of my friends suggested that I include the process of creating the book in the blog as well. Sounds good to me so the blog continues with diversification. Back to the journey. One of the most profound moments in the death of someone for me was to tell Barb it was ago to go. That was truly another moment of walking out on the tightrope without a net. Along that same line I would like to include here a piece written by a friend of this blog who had an article accepted by the folks of "This I Believe". This is great advice with a personal touch.

The greatest gift to a dying loved one is giving them permission to leave and make an effort to remove the guilt of leaving us behind.
1. Tell them you will be okay after they are gone(even when you do not believe this yourself).

The last two years of his life we cared for my father in our home. At the end there was a blockage in his kidney which could only be relieved with surgery. He would survive no more than 24 hours without surgery. But, because of his COPD, he could not survive the ventilator needed for the surgery. Surgery was his only option, even though he could not survive it. He knew this going in. He survived the surgery and was sent to ICU. He would wake once in a while, but was fading. My wife, our son, our daughter and I were at his bedside. As time passed he struggled for every breath. I leaned in and whispered "It's okay dad. You can go. We will be alright." At this point he breathing eased and gradually became shallower until it stopped. He was at peace.

2. Do what you can to relieve the guilt for the loved one leaving you behind. Show that you can manage so your loved one will let go of their earthly worries.

I often worked six days a week and more than ten hours a day. My wife was the absolute caregiver. She took care of the children bills, meals, etc....She felt strongly that our home was her responsibility, and she thrived.

The last few years of her life she/we battled cancer(melanoma). The immune therapy for treating it, to call them debilitating is an understatement. In the last few months of her life the cancer spread to her hip bone. This made even getting around in a wheelchair difficult. At this point I started taking over the household duties. I did this in secret and would pick up groceries on my way home from work. I would then wait until she fell asleep before I unloaded the car. I would often be up until 1 in the morning doing the laundry, cleaning, and making sure the house was in order. I would be back up to get our daughter ready for school and prepare dinner for the evening. Family and friends would come during the day while I was at work and our daughter was in school.

She was able to witness the household hold together. It comforts me to know she was able to leave in peace. And since most of the work was done in secret she was spared the guilt of leaving us alone, and the worry that we would not be able to take care of ourselves without her.

"This I Believe" February 1, 2010- Robin Zimmerman


ETERNALLY

WOVEN ETERNALLY
WITHIN THE FRAMEWORK OF MANKIND
IS THE LOVE THAT CAN SAVE
OR THE LOVE THAT CAN BLIND

MANY TIMES HISTORY HAS PROVEN
THAT QUESTS ARE TAKEN
FOR THE LOVE THAT CAN SAVE
OR THE LOVE THAT CAN BLIND

KNOWING WHICH PATH TO TAKE
AT ANY POINT IN TIME
REFLECTS THE TRUE SPIRIT
OF WHETHER YOU WILL
BE SAVED BY LOVE
OR BLINDED BY LOVE

THE JOURNEY: This week was a big step in my transformation into duel parenthood. What I mean is that I took on a very uncomfortable role that would have been in Barbs realm. I would have gladly never have been involved in this in a million years because I feel I entered into the world of the female. Yes, I took my youngest daughter to have her ears pierced. Not only did I step into a world I don't understand, but the pictures on the walls of where piercing can go were a little overwhealming. I had know idea that they could put metal in those places. It was like walking into a dream, with flowing water, art work and big couches. OK, I know what you are thinking. Man up and take it for the team. I did and it was just one more step on the journey of becoming the super dad. Think I need some air. Oh, and my daughter.....she looks beautiful.



THE BURDEN

THE RELATIONSHIP YOU HAD
BLENDED SO WELL TOGETHER
CREATED A BOND
OF NOT BEING SEPERATED

YOU THOUGHT TOGETHER
EVERTHING AS ONE
THE ENERGY MELTED INTO A COHESIVE
STRENGTH THAT WAS NEEDED

NOW THAT THEY ARE GONE
YOU HAVE A SEPARATE LIFE
YOU THINK AS ONE BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO

NO LONGER RELYING ON EACH OTHER TO DECIDE
YOU ENTER A PLACE OF UNCERTAINTY
YOU MIGHT BE AFRAID TO MOVE AHEAD
TO MAKE A LIFE OF DECISIONS

BUT KNOW IN YOUR HEART
THAT YOUR LOVED ONE
IS THERE HELPING YOU TO CARRY THE BURDEN

THE JOURNEY: Reflection of a journey can sometimes bring insight to something that you might think was a random act of the universe. I have not done this before at this depth, but decided that I was going to go back in time to when I started writing this blog and actually read what I wrote. For some reason I had a sudden urge to find out who I was then and see if I can extrapolate meaning out of the journey. I am still surprised when I was hit over the head and inspired to write poetry. At a time when I could hardly walk, having that kind of extraordinary experience to me now was a miracle. It suddenly opened my mind again and most importantly opened the door to my crushed spirit. Since then I have met other folks that were also inspired after the death of a spouse to do something that was out of character. It makes me wonder if when you are at your lowest depths of grief whether GOD or whatever source you believe in throws out a life raft for you to grab on to and says "row". It is fascinating to me to think that we are being watched over and will be given the opportunity to save ourselves. Well I did start rowing although it felt like I wasn't moving very fast. I slowly started to feel my physical body again because for a long time all I felt was numbness. This lead to taking the first steps in walking further and further. I liken it to walking up a long flight of stairs that never seem to end and then all of a sudden you are standing at the top and on flat ground. I came to realize that walking and riding my bike brought me from the place where I honestly did not think I was going to come out of. I am convinced that most folks reach a point where they physically, emotionally, and spiritually come to the crossroads where they have to decide to survive and move forward or not. I totally get it and what I learned was that if you know someone there you can only encourage them but keep in mind that not all of us choose to move on. I learned that as one part of your life gets unbalanced it has a huge impact on all facets of your life. A death can impact your beliefs, job, relationships, and really mess up your physical and emotional body. It is like a spiral down the rabbit hole to hang out with Alice. If anyone ever tells you to hide your emotions, throw something at them. You know the old saying that guys don't cry. That is the biggest fallacy ever. Pain is pain and unless you let it out you will destroy yourself, so I tell you here that I am a proponent of understanding how valuable it is to release that unbelievable amount of grief. It will build up like a tea kettle until it is vented letting out the rage and sadness. That alone probably did more to move me on the recovery path than anything. Eventually those moments of madness diminish in intensity and length and become manageable. I discovered that it is fairly easy to get caught up in your own grief that you can easily leave your family members at the curb. You need to circle back and pick them up because after all, they lost someone too. At that point it becomes a joint venture in survival. It will have its ups and downs but each and everyone will travel on their own journey in their own time and will cross your path from time to time. How do I say this without sounding too negative. Oh, what the heck. Holidays suck. It took me a full year before I stopped hating holidays. I would suggest that just knowing it will be difficult is helpful and to not expect yourself to react the same way. This too will pass. Finding me was a surprise also. Realizing that I could smile again, have passion, love, return to improve in my job, start cooking, meet great people, take care of the dog, care, write and have plans for the future were truly eye opening for me. Normal shifted so much that I decided that in my second life normal was going to be and look different. Advice from folks became common place but ultimately going with my heart proved to be the best direction. You will find your own path that will lead you out of the fog. Trust in yourself to make the right decisions connecting the dots. It became a passion of mine to listen to what was going on around me, connect the dots and follow the path created. It continues today and I am so thankful for the journey. I believe that personally I have become closer to the source. Death, grief and the fog could very easily push you in an opposite direction but in my case because of inspired writing I became closer. Blame was thrown out and forgiveness became a friend. Loneliness is a big hurdle you have to face and overcome. I don't have any suggestions on overcoming loneliness because I believe that we all will figure out how much loneliness we are willing to put up with and when it is time to do something about it. It is all good and perfect.Reflection is good because it shows you where you have come from and you can compare to what you are now. Coming to grips with what happened and realizing that it means that you are indeed on a road that is real and beneficial to your ongoing life, means that you are paying attention. That is the ultimate lesson of the journey. If you are aware and paying attention, then you will see the different possibilities.After doing this review I can truly say with certainty, I have come a long way baby. I wish for you the same insight. If not now, soon. For any of you that might be still reading this journey, thank you, but I would like like to throw out a request. I believe that having come this far, this blog should move in the direction of answering other peoples questions and concerns. It is obvious to me that as I have come through the cycle it is time to move this to another level. So a thought occurred to me to ask you what you would like to talk about as it pertains to this subject. Please feel free in sending your questions or subject matter to be discussed in future postings. Until then, thanks for being on this journey with me.


THE GIFT


SINGLED OUT
TO RECEIVE THE GIFT
HUMBLY ACCEPTED
AND WILLING TO GIVE OUT

THE GIFT OF LIFE
THE GIFT OF LOVE
THE GIFT OF TRUTH
THE GIFT OF FORGIVENESS

TOGETHER WITH PURPOSE
GIVEN WITH INTENT
BRINGS REWARD TO THE SPIRIT
AND PURPOSE TO THE MAN

THE JOURNEY: LESSONS ON THE ROAD

1. 5 hour energy drink only lasts three.

2. It is easy to forget what city you are in when you've been on the road for two weeks.

3. You can squeeze ten basketball players into your van if necessary.

4. It is a surprise when you realize that your are standing in front of a hotel that you stayed in on your honeymoon.

5, Girl basketball players talk about things you don't want to hear, eat constantly and have the most interesting smells especially when traveling all day after a game.

6. Unknown and unusual things mysteriously materialize in your car that you can only carefully remove or beat with a stick.

7. After 17 hours on the road with your daughter fingers are not easily pried from the steering wheel.

8. Coming home to trees can bring tears to your eyes.

9. If you ever see another In and Out Burger, your may shoot yourself.

10. Just because you are tired, it doesn't mean your memories over the past year and a half go away. They follow you.

11. Having your daughter drive at high speeds on major freeways can make your connection to your maker really strong.

12. Showers in hotels never really work and what's up with the coffee in the room?

Looking at a trip like that from a larger perspective, you realize that people are typically nice, you do things for the ones you love, girls travel well in packs and your guardian angel was watching over you and rooting for the home team.


COMPANION

MY CONSTANT COMPANION
IS THE THOUGHT THAT I HAVE OF WHAT NOW

IT GOES WITH ME WHERE EVER I GO
SPEAKS GENTLY TO MY LISTENING HEART
FINDS ME AT THE ODDEST MOMENTS
AND REJOICES WITH ME WHEN IT SEEMS RIGHT

SEEN BY ITSELF
IT HAS NO POWER
JOINED WITH MY SPIRIT
WE MOVE TOGETHER

I SEEK ITS COMPANIONSHIP
KNOWING IT HAS STRENGTH
TO GUIDE ME ON MY JOURNEY
EVEN IF I FAIL TO RECOGNIZE ITS WISDOM