THE JOURNEY: AN OPEN LETTER TO GOD

Dear God,

Thank you for coming to listen. I hope this doesn't sound to petty. Sitting on the beach at sunset, watching the opaque green waves, I reflect on my relationship with you. I sometimes wonder whether what I thought was a relationship was just you putting up with the ego of a flawed human being. I always believed and even as a kid knew you were there. Through the ups and downs of my life, were you there with me? Or was it just blind luck that I made it this far? I remember so many times being physically saved and thinking it was you. But of course I went back to what I was doing which most of the time was raising a family. Over the past year there have been many times when I have been listening and have been amazed with the events going on around me. Spiritually I have grown so much and look forward to whatever outcome and path that you would like to help me with. But not unlike all people before me I wonder what the purpose is. Have I set this all up myself or am I carrying out huge planned life map? Do you really have an opinion on how it really turns out? Why do I sense your involvement in everything I do but a detachments that tells me it all ends up in the same place anyway? Is that it? There are so many paths that we can't see and we get to choose, but the end result is all the same. If that is the case, I would like to thank you for being along on the trip. Thank you for taking care of our loved ones that have already ventured your way and have that beach chair ready for me when the time is right. I would like to listen to the waves with you.

THE JOURNEY: Forgetting my anniversary. How is that even possible? March 14Th would have been our 35Th wedding anniversary. On the morning of the 15Th it suddenly dawned on me that I totally forgot about it. That was the first time unless you count the time I forgot the anniversary card at home while we were on vacation. Awkward, but wait. What does it mean? Is it some pseudo-analyzed mumbo jumbo explained reason? Like deep down after making it through this past year I some how intentionally blanked it out? That will teach you Barb! I am guessing she is a little too busy where she is at to put much thought into a particular day. Can it be that I really did not place any relevance on the date any more and have made it just another day? What do you think? After spending so long with someone that is not the answer. No, I have to rationalize that time for me just blends together now and even though the holidays and anniversaries last year were so extremely hard, I am being protected. Protected from the extremes of emotions that hurt. I guess I am going to think of it as Barbs gift to me for without that, I am just another selfish male that forgot an anniversary. And that just can't happen. Happy Anniversary.

A DAY IN TIME

A DAY IN TIME
SUDDENLY FORGOTTEN
MEANS ONLY THAT IT IS A DAY IN TIME

SEEKING MEANING
TO WHAT IS LEFT BEHIND
PUTS YOU AT THE CROSSROADS
OF YOUR TRUEST PURPOSE

WITHOUT TIME TO CONFUSE AND CONTORT
YOU ARE FREE TO CHOOSE WHAT IS AHEAD
WITHOUT REMORSE

NEVER REGRET
WHAT YOU CANNOT CONTROL
TIME ONLY PUTS LIMITS
WITHIN THE BOUNDARIES OF YOUR THINKING

EVERYTHING IS PERFECT
EVERYTHING HAS A REASON
SEEING THE TRUTH WITHOUT THE CONSTRAINTS
IS THE FREEDOM THAT WE ALL SEEK

THE JOURNEY:What does success in death mean to you? Does it mean you can now walk your dog through the neighborhood and actually look up and smile as people go by? Does it mean that you went and bought flowers for the oak barrel that has been neglected for the past year? Does it mean that you made chocolate chip cookies for the first time in God knows how long? Or did you just go for a ride without crying or talk to your kids about something stupid and inconsequential? As you have probably discovered from my past writings, there are no secret answers to this whole process. What there is are feelings, emotions, perceptions and the heart felt daily views of someone going through their own loss. I am finding that others share the need to know not what the pundits of grief say we should be experiencing, but what is it like on the day to day basis. I have definitely found it helpful to talk and write about this day to day reality. So back to the original question of what success in death means. Yes to all the above but remember its something different for everyone. There is no right or wrong. Being human means to me that I don't have to be like everyone around me and notice and react the same as they do. So create your own successes, notice life, react with your own style. And if you are not there yet, you will be and I wish you the best on your own very special journey.

LONG AND SHORT

THE LONGEST SHORTEST YEAR OF MY LIFE
BRINGS PEACE WHEN NEEDED
SADNESS WHEN REQUIRED
LONELINESS AROUND THE EDGES

IT FIGHTS TO CONQUER FEAR
CELEBRATES THE MANY VICTORIES
AND DARKENS THE DOORSTEP
WITH SURPRISING TIMING

REACHING OUT AND KNOWING
THAT THE FURTHER YOU GET AWAY
FROM THE LONGEST SHORTEST YEAR
WILL BRING PEACE AT LAST
TO THE PLACE YOU GOT AWAY FROM

THE JOURNEY: This is going to sound a little more unusual than my normal writing even for me. I am sitting here looking at my clothes closet, and realizing my life has changed since Barb died without realizing it. When Barb was alive we each had half the closet and I admit that my half often crossed over into hers. I don't think that either one of us was really into clothes especially Barb. She never was good at buying things for herself. Most of her effort went into providing for the kids and I. So most of the time we were fairly satisfied with sharing the closet. Here is my dilemma. Looking at this same space now, I have completely taken over the entire closet with my world. I do not understand how that is possible. It is not like I go out and buy stuff all the time. I hate shopping. So either my stuff is growing or something else is going on. I have to believe this is a metaphor for my life in moving away from Barbs death through recovery and coming into my own identity. This space was us and now it is me and honestly I don't think I like that very much. I know the goal is to move on but I think my solution is to go clean out my closet. I hope that it also means that when we start seeing the little changes in our lives that we hadn't noticed before, that it is a sign that you are ready. Ready to notice, ready to receive, ready to interpret and unfortunately or not, ready to move in a new direction that will require a huge amount of bravery.


SOFTLY


SINGING SOFTLY
UNDER MY BREATH
MEANS PEACE
HAS ENTERED MY SOUL

CRYING LOUDLY
COMES NO MORE
TO SHARE THE SPACES OF GRIEF

REALIZING THINGS HAVE CHANGED
IS A MAJOR EVENT
NOT TO BE TAKEN LIGHTLY

ONLY WHEN YOU NOTICE
THE SUBTLE CHANGES
CAN YOU GO TO THE NEXT LEVEL
WITHIN THE SAFETY OF YOUR OWN MIND

THE JOURNEY: Every once in a while the world stops. What I mean is that I find myself sitting at my desk surrounded by work and not being able to move. I know music is playing in the background, but I don't really hear it. I know that birds continue to fly around outside my office window but I don't see them. I am stuck in no-mans land. Bombs from the past year are exploding in my mind. But at the same time I am totally lost on the battlefield, not knowing what is going on around me. It is like when you jump in a pool and swim down to the deep end and just sit on the bottom. Holding your breath for as long as you can you take in the coolness of the water and the quiet. Where do you go? Eventually I come back and realize what I am doing and where I'm at. The sounds and the feelings return. I guess my point is that even though we think we are OK and moving ahead, moments of what I call "The Silence" envelope us. I don't fear this and quite honestly I appreciate the peace that comes over me even if it is only for a few minutes. I think this is the spirits way of allowing you a time out to quiet the mind and continue the healing. Take advantage of it but probably not while you are driving.

WHAT NOW

WHEN YOUR ARE QUESTIONING
THE DIRECTION OF YOUR LIFE'S CHOICES
WHAT NOW

WHEN YOU CAN'T SEE THROUGH
THE MIST OF UNCERTAINTY
WHAT NOW

WHEN YOU COME TO THE FORK
IN THE ROAD AND YOU ARE CONFUSED
ABOUT THE RIGHT WAY TO GO
WHAT NOW

HAVING THE ANSWERS
AHEAD OF TIME
WOULD ONLY ALLOW YOU
A TEMPORARY REPRIEVE

ANY CHOICE
ANY DIRECTION
IS THE RIGHT ONE FOR THE MOMENT
AND WILL STILL LEAD YOU TO THE SAME PLACE