THE JOURNEY: Brand spanking new babies are so tiny an soft that it can't help but melt you into memories long forgotten. On our way to Los Angeles for basketball, my youngest daughter and I went to Vegas to visit my oldest daughter and my nephew and his wife who just brought home their new baby Elizabeth. The parallel story of their young lives and Barb and my own early story is something that registered deeply within me. We both lost our first born sons. Our son named Joshua had a heart problem and died at ten days old from complications of surgery. Their son Joseph died at birth from complications of delivery. Now I tell you that not to invoke any kind of sympathy but to take you to the next connection of the stories. All of us went through similar angst through the following pregnancy with the second child. In the back of my mind there was always that nagging concern if everything was going to be OK the second time around. So you go through the whole pregnancy on hope and faith. And, when the time comes and the new baby enters into the world and you hear the nurse say that the baby is breathing and has all their fingers and toes, you finally breathe. You didn't realize that you had in a sense been holding your breath for the past nine months. I remember Barb and I pulling off the side of the road after leaving the hospital and just taking the time to be the new family, look at the miracle all wrapped up like a cocoon and just breathe and cry. Life gives us second chances after what would seem to be insurmountable losses. What we do with those second chances is entirely up to us. Beautiful new babies, second lives, new jobs or new relationships. I believe they are all placed there for a reason and if we just learn to breathe again we will utilize them to the fullest.


SCENTS

SCENTS OF A TIME GONE BY
RECORDED IN THE SUBCONSCIOUS
RETRIEVING THE MEMORIES
WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT

FLASHES OF WHAT WAS PAST
CONNECTED TO WHAT IS PRESENT
REMINDS THE SOUL
TO NOT FORGET

BRING THE FLASHES WITH YOU
CHERISH THE SCENE
BY HOW IT MAKES YOU FEEL
AND DON'T FORGET THE OTHERS

CONTAINED WITHIN THOSE LINKS
IS THE UNDERSTANDING
THAT THE PAST AND THE PRESENT
ARE THE AVENUE TO WHO YOU ARE

THE JOURNEY: As I head out of town with my youngest daughter who is a basketball player on an AAU team, I realize how different things are for the two of us compared to a year and a half ago. Back then we would have never been involved in making this happen for her in playing for a traveling team that plays all over the West coast. It wasn't really that we didn't want to back her in this endeavor, it was more that when Barb was alive we had different priorities and time constraint issues that would have made it impossible to make it happen. When she died those previous constraints went out the window like a rush of air leaving a balloon. It suddenly became painfully obvious that my daughter and I now had time on our side to use as we wished. Being both sports oriented it became easy to support her desire to pursue playing at a higher level of girls basketball and try to get her noticed by college coaches at these huge West Coast tournaments. I think we all find that in a blink of an eye we have time on our hands that we never thought conceivable when our spouses were alive. It is an interesting phenomenon. Where did the time really come from? And when you have many kids like we had and could never support this kind of thing for the older kids, it does make it a little awkward when your youngest gets all the attention now that mom died. The flip side is that it has really given us bonding time together during an unbelievable period in both of our lives that we would have never had otherwise. You figure it out by imagining two weeks on the road with a teenage girl driving all over California going to events that could impact her future. No pressure there. Good thing I am so layed back and have always told her to just have fun. And if it doesn't go well, it is going to be one heck of a long drive back from San Diego. I think the point for me here is that there is an ironic twist of fate that it took a death to bring us so close together. Life isn't fair sometimes but I wouldn't give up what is going on between my daughter and myself. I think my lesson if I could turn back the clock would of course be to have kept Barb here on this earth and at the same time develop this really strong bond with a daughter that I hope reaches her dream of playing in college basketball. It's too bad we can't always have everything we want. I will settle for three pointers from April for her mom.


PEACE BLANKET

CAN YOU HAVE A BLANKET MADE FOR PEACE
WEAVED WITH CARE
HELD TOGETHER WITH LOVE
PROTECTING THE SOULS THAT COME TOGETHER
THAT NEED IT THE MOST

PROTECTING THE DREAMS
WARMING THE HEART
BEATING IN ITS ALL CONSUMING
SENSE OF SECURITY

YOU ARE MY PEACE BLANKET
PROTECTING ME FROM HARM
LOVING ME WITH YOUR WARMTH
WEAVING ME INTO SOMETHING I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE
AND WAS JUST WAITING FOR GENTLE WEAVERS HANDS
TO RELEASE THE MAGIC THAT WAS ALWAYS THERE

THE JOURNEY: What is a perfect love. Is there such a thing? Does it require anything special to hold on to it? What does it feel like and can that feeling be maintained for a lifetime? I of course don't have the answers but as usual I have my opinions. I think there are so many kinds of love that a perfect love to me is one that I needed at a particular point in life. For instance, having been married for so long, Barbs love for me was perfect. It provided a base, security, a great family and most importantly a feeling of belonging. Were things perfect? Well, probably not, but I would imagine that we could all say that. But, it was a "perfect" love for me in the cosmic sense of things. So right it was like a glove that fits well. You know it in your heart. So when you lose that perfect love, you find yourself asking whether you will ever be able to find the glove that will fit so well again. And then it dawns on you that you have all the rest of your life to fill. So you start looking even though it might only be subconsciously. After all, you found the perfect love once, why not again. The problem is that definition of perfect. I think it can be confusing and un-necessary to expect perfection. I think we as humans want to put labels on things and that is why we are always looking for perfection. Why not just expect a relationship to be perfect for the moment and if it is not perfect at some point in the future, so be it. My point is, if you are really waiting for perfection then you might miss something that could have been important for your growth. You could also be transferring your definition onto some unsuspecting soul who wants nothing more than to be loved. Life is to short in what I call the "2ND life" to be hung up with comparisons in your past. Of course, mistakes will be made. Pain will definitely be present. But allowing yourself to be open to the possibilities of life in the long run will only bring the realization that there is life after death. So, what I am suggesting is that it is OK to allow yourself to take the chance and use your 2ND life to search, enjoy and just be who you need to be. in other words, be perfect to yourself.


THE GIFT

THE CALL OF THE BIRD AT NIGHT
THE LONE STAR IN THE SKY
REQUIRES SO LITTLE
TO SEE AND HEAR

THE DOG BARKS WITH NO ONE YELLING
THE LIGHT SHINES IN THE FACE OF THE WALKER
BE STILL AND USE THE SENSES

THE RUSTLE OF THE THE LEAVES UNDER YOUR FEET
THE GARAGE DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING
WITHOUT A CARE OF THE FAST PACED WORLD
ENTER THE SPACE THAT IS INSIDE OF YOU

EXPECT NOTHING
SENSE EVERYTHING
FEEL THE LOVE WITHIN YOURSELF
BEING AT PEACE NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE
IS A GIFT YOU DESERVE





THE LETTER-DECEMBER 25, 2008

DEAR DEAN,

I AM WRITING THIS LETTER TO YOU BECAUSE, AS DIFFICULT AS IT IS TO BELIEVE, I HAVE A HARD TIME EXPRESSING MYSELF IN PERSON WHEN IT COMES TO MATTERS OF LOVE. STORIES ARE NOT PROBLEM, AND MINDLESS BANTER IS A SPECIALTY, BUT IT IS HARD TO TELL SOMEONE JUST HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU.

YOU HAVE BEEN SUCH A MODEL HUSBAND, FATHER AND HUMAN TO ME OVER THESE MANY YEARS. I HAVE LEARNED SO MUCH FROM YOU, AND FOR THAT I WILL BE ETERNALLY GRATEFUL. I HAVE LEARNED THE MEANING TO THE WORD PATIENCE. YOU ARE THE KINDEST, GENTLEST, LOVING MAN I KNOW. YOU NEVER YELL TO CORRECT, BUT LOVINGLY SUGGEST THAT PERHAPS THE NEXT TIME I TRY TO ENSURE THE FORKLIFT FORKS ARE LEVEL BEFORE RUNNING INTO THE SIDE OF ANOTHER BIN. WHEN I TRY TO IMAGINE HOW TO BE UNDERSTANDING WITH MY GIRLS, I THINK OF YOU AND FIND THE PATIENCE TO GENTLY ASK ONE MORE TIME. I AM NOT A PERFECT FATHER, AND YOU HAVE TAUGHT ME THAT IT IS OK TO NOT BE PERFECT AS LONG AS YOU ARE COMPASSIONATE TOWARD YOUR CHILDREN. YOU HAVE TAUGHT ME ALL THESE THINGS AS YOU MODELED THEM FOR ME.

I HAVE DEARLY LOVED OUR CONVERSATIONS ON TEACHING OVER THE YEARS AS WELL. I AM CERTAIN MY STUDENTS HAVE BENEFITED FROM THESE DISCUSSIONS, BECAUSE YEARS AWAY FROM THE CLASSROOM YOUR PASSION FOR LEARNING STILL BURNS DEEPLY AND IT IS AN INFECTIOUS MALADY, INDEED. LONG WALKS TO THE YAK SCREEN, LESSONS ON A TRACTOR, AN EVER WILLING VICTIM OF MY COOKING, YOU HAVE TAUGHT ME TO SAVOR THE MOMENT OF LIFE. ON THIS CHRISTMAS NIGHT, I REFLECT ON THE MANY BLESSINGS AND GIFTS GOD HAS SO ABUNDANTLY SHOWERED ME WITH THROUGHOUT MY LIFE, AND ONE OF THE DEAREST GIFTS HAS BEEN TO KNOW YOU AND LOVE YOU SO MANY YEARS.

FORM THE FIRST MOMENT I MET YOU OVER 20 YEARS AGAIN WHEN YOU CLIMBED DOWN ON THE FLOOR OF A OURAY HOTEL TO PLAY GAMES WITH LITTLE EVAN COOPER AND WE WERE THROWING POPSICLE STICKS WITH ABANDON TOGETHER IN MINUTES; TO THESE LAST FEW WEEKS IN WHICH YOU INSPIRE ME WITH THE GRACE AND DIGNITY YOU CONTINUE TO SHOW IN SUCH PAIN AND DISCOMFORT, I AM SO MUCH THE RICHER FOR KNOWING YOU. YOUR THOUGHTS IN THESE LAST TROUBLED DAYS, AS THEY ALWAYS HAVE BEEN ARE NOT FOR YOURSELF BUT ALL THOSE AROUND YOU. KNOWING YOU I HAVE A MUCH BETTER UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT JESUS CHRIST WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE IF HE WERE WALKING WITH ME IN THE FLESH. YOU ARE THAT CHRIST TO ALL THOSE AROUND YOU, A REFLECTION OF THE DIVINE, AND YOU GIVE US ALL HOPE THAT IF GOD IS AS LOVING AS YOU, THERE MIGHT BE MERCY FOR ANY OF US. THANK YOU FOR YOUR WILLINGNESS TO BE GOD'S PRESENCE IN OUR WORLD. IT NEEDS SO MUCH OF IT.

I COULD NEVER REPAY YOU FOR ALL THE KINDNESS AND LOVE YOU HAVE GIVEN ME BY ACCEPTING ME INTO YOUR FAMILY, BUT ON THIS CHRISTMAS NIGHT I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE YOU A GIFT IN THE FORM OF THREE PROMISES I MAKE TO YOU THIS DAY.

FIRST, AS LONG AS I DRAW BREATH, YOU WILL LIVE ON IN MY STORIES AND MEMORIES OF YOU THAT I WILL GENEROUSLY SHARE WITH ANYONE LUCKY ENOUGH(OR PATIENT ENOUGH)TO LISTEN. I WILL TEACH YOUR CHILDREN AND GRAND CHILDREN AND GREAT GRAND CHILDREN OF THE GRACE-FILLED MAN WHOM I AM PROUD TO KNOW. YOU ARE IMMORTAL IN THE HEARTS OF THOSE THAT LOVE YOU, AND YOU WILL LIVE IN MY STORIES AS LONG AS I SPEAK.

SECONDLY, I WILL LOVE AND HONOR AND TREASURE YOUR DAUGHTER, PAULA, AS MY DEAR WIFE AS LONG AS I LIVE. I HAVE LEARNED HOW TO BE PATIENT AND A LOVING AND UNDERSTANDING HUSBAND FROM YOUR EXAMPLE, AND PUALA RICHLY DESERVES ALL THE LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING I CAN MUSTER. AS THE FATHER OF THREE DAUGHTERS, I KNOW WELL THE FONDEST WISH OF A FATHER IS THAT HIS DAUGHTERS ARE HAPPY AND LOVED AND NURTURED. WITH ALL THAT I AM, I WILL DO WHAT I CAN TO MAKE SURE THAT YOUR LOVING DAUGHTER, PAULA, IS MY QUEEN AND MY BEST FRIEND UNTIL OUR NATURAL DEATHS.

THIRD, I WILL DO EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO ALWAYS BE A NURTURING AN COMPASSIONATE FATHER TO YOUR THREE BEAUTIFUL GRANDDAUGHTERS, MEGHAN, ABBEY AND ERIN. I WILL GIVE THEM A SAFE HOME, A SUPPORTIVE FAN OF THEIR MUSIC, A SHOULDER TO CRY ON, A FRIEND TO LISTEN TO, AND BOUNDARIES TO SHAPE THEM INTO FINE HUMAN BEINGS. I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU LOVE THEM, AND I HOPE THAT YOU TAKE GREAT COMFORT IN KNOWING THAT THEY WILL BE WELL CARED FOR, CHALLENGED, SUPPORTED AND ENCOURAGED TO BECOME WHO THEY WERE CREATED TO BE . I WILL RAISE THEM SO THEY KNOW WELL THE ENTIRE FAMILY YOU LOVE, AND TO KNOW THAT THEY ARE HOME WHEN THEY ARE WITH ALL OF US, IRENE, SCOTT, DARCY, RON, SAM, PAULA, THE ELAS, THE RUSSELLS, AND ALL THE COUSINS.

THESE ARE MY THREE GIFTS TO YOU THIS NIGHT; TO KEEP YOU BURNING BRIGHTLY IN MY STORIES, TO LOVE YOUR DAUGHTER WITH MY WHOLE HEART AND SOUL, AND TO RAISE YOUR GRANDDAUGHTERS IN THE PEACE AND LOVE OF A WELCOMING AND UNDERSTANDING FAMILY. I CANNOT DO THESE THINGS ALONG; I WILL NEED YOUR PRAYER AND SUPPORT, YOUR LOVE AND EXAMPLE, YOUR BLESSINGS AND YOUR PRESENCE HERE ON EARTH AND IN HEAVEN. WE ARE ALL ON A JOURNEY HOME TO OUR HEAVENLY FATHER, FOR SOME THE JOURNEY IS MUCH LONGER AND HARDER THAN FOR OTHERS. I THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART FOR ALL THE TIME WE HAVE SPENT TOGETHER ON THIS JOURNEY HOME. IF GOD WILL IT, I HOPE WE HAVE MANY MILES YET TO GO TOGETHER ON THIS EARTH, IF GOD WILLS OTHERWISE, I WISH YOU A SAFE JOURNEY TO THE PLACE HE HAS PREPARED FOR ALL OF US. I AM SORRY THAT I CANNOT SAY ALL OF THIS TO YOU IN PERSON, BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW HOW MUCH YOU HAVE AFFECTED THIS WANDERING IRISHMAN, AND HOW BLESSED I AM BECAUSE OF YOU.

WITH GREAT LOVE AND AFFECTION,

TIM CASEY

DEAN NELSON PHILLIPS-DIED JANUARY 7, 2009

JOURNEY: I HAVE JOINED THE LOCAL ROTARY CLUB IN MY TOWN BECAUSE I SAW THE NEED TO GET MYSELF OUT INTO THE COMMUNITY AND WORLD IN AN EFFORT TO RE-CONNECT. ONE OF THE BIG THINGS THEY DO EVERY YEAR IS THE TOWNS FOURTH OF JULY PARADE. IT IS PRETTY BIG AND HAS AROUND 150 DIFFERENT ENTRIES THAT INCLUDE FLOATS, BANDS, POLITICIANS ETC. ALSO, IT HAS HORSES. GUESS WHAT I WAS GIVEN THE RESPONSIBILITY FOR. YEP, HORSE ENTRIES. I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED HORSES AND THOUGHT AS A KID THAT I WANTED TO RAISE WILD MUSTANGS, SO THIS ASSIGNMENT WAS NO PROBLEM. THE WAY THIS PARADE WORKS IS THAT BECAUSE OF ITS SIZE THERE ARE DIFFERENT STAGING AREAS THROUGH OUT THE NEIGHBORHOOD THAT ARE USED TO ORGANIZE THE GROUPS THAT ARE GOING TO BE IN THE PARADE AND WHEN THE TIME COMES THEY ARE FED DOWN A STREET TO A PLACE WHERE THEY ARE FUNNELED INTO THE PARADE ALONG WITH OTHER GROUPS COMING FROM DIFFERENT AREAS. IT IS CONTROLLED CONFUSION AT ITS BEST, BUT IN THE END IT ALL SEEMS TO COME TOGETHER. AT ONE POINT DURING THIS CONFUSION I HAD A FLASH OF INTUITION THAT OUR LIVES SOMETIMES FEEL LIKE THE PARADE ORGANIZATION. WE ARE ALL BEING DIRECTED DOWN CERTAIN PATHS AND FUNNELED ONTO THE STAGE, NOT NECESSARILY KNOWING WHAT IS GOING TO BE ALONG THE ROUTE. THERE ARE PEOPLE THROWING CANDY IN CELEBRATION SOMETIMES. THERE ARE ROAD BLOCKS THAT PREVENT TURNING INTO THE DIRECTION YOU THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO GO. THERE IS NOISE THAT EXCITES AND CONFUSES AT THE SAME TIME. THERE ARE HORSE GROUPS THAT GET ANTSY AT THE SLIGHTEST PROVOCATION. THERE ARE PEOPLE IN CONTROL AND THOSE THAT JUST FOLLOW DIRECTION. THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT TURN DOWN A ONE WAY STREET GOING THE WRONG WAY AND OTHERS THAT JUST LIKE TO STOP AND BLOCK TRAFFIC. THERE ARE ALSO MOMENTS OF WHIMSY AND EXECUTIVE DECISION MAKING SUCH AS WHEN YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF THE FINAL TWO HORSE ENTRIES AND SUDDENLY REALIZE THE THE FRONT OF THE PARADE IS TURNING THE CORNER OF THE STREET YOUR STANDING ON AND COMING IN YOUR DIRECTION. DO YOU PANIC, RUN THE OTHER WAY, TELL EVERYONE ITS EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF. NO....YOU VERY QUICKLY SEND THE HORSES DOWN THE STREET AHEAD OF THE ONCOMING PARADE AND WAIVE GOODBYE TO THE KIDS YOU JUST SPENT FOUR HOURS WITH, KNOWING THAT THEY ARE GOING TO BE INSERTED INTO A PARADE AND BE GIVEN EXPERIENCES THAT THEY WILL REMEMBER THE REST OF THEIR LIVES. THEN YOU GET OUT OF THE ROAD SO YOU DON'T GET RUN OVER BY THE PRECISION MOTORCYCLE GROUP WEAVING AROUND THE STREET AND COMING STRAIGHT AT YOU. FOR SOME REASON...FOREST GUMP COMES TO MIND. "LIFE IS LIKE A BUNCH OF CHOCOLATES". I LIKE THE THOUGHT OF INSERTING MYSELF INTO THE PARADE ROUTE AND ONTO THE STAGE OF LIFE. I WON'T KNOW WHAT WILL BE AROUND THE CORNER UNTIL I GET THERE. I WILL RISK THE MOMENTARY STEPPING IN HORSE MANURE IN ORDER TO BE FULLY ALIVE AND RECEIVE THE CANDY BEING THROWN AT ME. BARB WILL BE WAIVING FROM THE SIDE WALK AND I WILL WAIVE BACK KNOWING THAT I HAVE HER FULL SUPPORT TO MARCH INTO WHAT EVER IS AHEAD.

I WILL BE A CHILD OF THE WINDS UNTIL THE END OF MY DAYS-BRUCE COCKBURN


ONE STEP

IT ONLY TAKES ONE STEP TO MOVE AHEAD
TO TAKE YOU OUT OF THE WHIRL OF EMOTIONS THAT YOU'RE IN
TO SET A SITE OF THE DISTANT SHORE
TO LET YOUR SELF EXPAND AND FULL FILL YOUR RIGHT

IT ONLY TAKES ONE STEP

ONE STEP FOR YOU
ONE STEP FOR THOSE AROUND YOU
ONE STEP FOR LIFE

IT ONLY TAKES ONE STEP