THE JOURNEY: Being thankful at this time of year should be the obvious choice for anyone. After all it is the season to remember that someone special came into our lives and made a real difference in how we lived and moved forward through the smoke and mirrors of the distractions. I for one am so thankful to know that they cared enough to come and share their time here with me, guide me when they thought it was appropriate, pull me out of harms way at times and most of all surround me with that special love that only they could exude. Being thankful doesn't seem like enough for that special gift that they brought to us. I believe that passing the gift on would be the ultimate responsibility all of us, and a way for them to continue to help us share the gift. Thanks for coming, sharing, protecting and helping us be the gift to those around us.


YOU KNOW SOMEONE LOVES YOU


YOU CAN FEEL IT IN YOUR HEART
YOU CAN FEEL IT N YOUR BONES
YOU'RE NOT AFRAID TO GO AWAY
BECAUSE YOU KNOW THAT SOMEONE LOVES YOU

IT'S A WHOLE BODY EXPERIENCE
TO SEE THEM WHERE EVER YOU ARE
LOOSE THE NOISE
LISTEN TO THE SOUL
BECAUSE YOU KNOW THAT SOMEONE LOVES YOU

TIME WON'T TELL
BECAUSE IT DOESN'T EXIST
BE IN THE MOMENT
BECAUSE YOU KNOW THAT SOMEONE LOVES YOU

PEACEFUL REMINDER
HOW GOOD IT CAN FEEL
KNOWLEDGE IS RIGHT
BECAUSE YOU KNOW THAT SOMEONE LOVES YOU

THE JOURNEY: How do you know that you are doing the right thing when it comes to your own existence here on earth? Is it faith alone or a feeling? Do you re lie on your intuition or do you allow other people to make decisions for you. I know this may seem a little deep right now especially at Christmas time. But, for me it is the perfect time to reflect on what I'm doing and how I got here and most importantly how I make choices. Who is in charge so to speak. For me, I believe that I listen to the past, present and future using intuition, feelings, verbal clues and sometimes luck. I know one thing. In the waking up through death, I have become more out there and not willing to just continue what I was doing because it was easier and I could. Even though I am the same person, I am also not the same person. I move forward in a different but just as good a way, with intention and a love that I have never felt for myself. I know that I'm being watched over and guided by folks that want us to succeed. All of us have our own methods of doing the right thing through whatever methods that might be. I wish you well and that you realize that the right thing can be achieved by just opening yourself up to the different modalities being presented to you and that there truly is life after death.


WEIGHT


WEIGHED DOWN BY THE PAST
FREE TO FLY WITH THE FUTURE
SHAPED BY TOMORROW
WITH A FOOT IN THE DOOR OF YESTERDAY

SENSING A TIE BETWEEN IT ALL
NOT WILLING TO GIVE UP ANY
THE RIGHT OF EVERY HUMAN
RESIDES WITHIN THE JUGGLING ACT

CONTAINED WITHIN THE WHOLE
PERFECTED BY THE PIECES
REACHING OUT
TO CREATE THE PUZZLE OF LIFE

THE JOURNEY: Reflective thinking can sometimes be a burden. If you are always thinking at a deeper level and trying to figure out where you fit within the framework of life, you may just miss the simplicity of perfection. As it comes up to the two year anniversary of Barbs death, I know that I have done a lot to be reflective through writing and just paying attention to this wonderful and yes painful journey I've been on. But, I wonder when you loose someone whether you can fall into the trap of being overly profound and miss what is staring you in the face. His name is Jack and as I write this he has just come in from the backyard covered in mud. My yard during the winter in the the Northwest becomes a mud bog. Jack is a pure white West Highland Terrier, so when he decides that the neighborhood cat needs to be chased through our mud bog and will even attempt the ten point slide tackle, it is a done deal. So, as my now black dog sits here in front of me and looks up with those innocent eyes, I can't help but think that Jack is the simplicity of perfection. Thinking deeply is not necessarily helpful at moments like this. Seeing the reflection of me laughing in his eyes means just as much. Here's a reflective thought for you. I see a cleansing in someones future and a restoration to wholeness. Jack.......get back here.

BEING LOST


BEING LOST YOU CAN SEE THE STARS MORE CLEARLY
AND CONTEMPLATE WHO YOU ARE

BEING LOST MAKES WALKING QUIETER
AND LONELINESS EASIER TO TAKE

BEING LOST CREATES A VOID
INTO WHICH YOU CAN PUSH YOUR THOUGHTS

BEING LOST MAKES THINGS SEEM LESS IMPORTANT
AND GIVES MEANING TO THE SOURCE OF LIFE

LOST IN THOUGHT
LOST YOUR MIND
LOST YOUR WAY
LOST BETWEEN NIGHT AND DAY

IT ONLY REMAINS TO BE SEEN
IF THE IMPORTANCE IS BEING LOST
OR THE LOST NEEDS TO BE FOUND

THE JOURNEY: I realize that I spend a lot of my time waiting for something to happen. Since Barb died, my life is made up of connecting the dots in hopes that they will lead somewhere. I am so convinced that they will continue to guide me that I sometimes forget that it is not necessary to be like the kid on Christmas morning patiently waiting to see what is going to be in the box. It probably would be less stressful to just allow things to happen, notice them and then react. Instead I am always speculating what might happen next. The holidays are still hard for me personally even though I put on a great mask that everything is OK. The reality is that this will probably be the case for years to come. I guess that by waiting for something to happen, it is my way to cope and push the negative stuff way deep down inside and hide it under my grandmothers trunk in the basement. By waiting for something to happen I keep the possibilities of the future and the child like qualities alive within me. In a way, we are all waiting for something to happen. We live our lives, raise our families and rejoice that it is all leading somewhere special.



MIST


SEEING THROUGH THE MIST OF PERCEPTION
FIGHTING HARD TO SORT OUT THE HIDDEN MEANING

WHAT YOU GET IS A WORLD
THAT FITS YOUR IDEA
BUT NOT NECESSARILY THE WORLD AROUND YOU

IT'S NEVER EASY TO SORT THROUGH THE FOG
WHAT IS REAL AND WHAT IS NOT

IN THE END
IT IS WHAT YOU MAKE OF EVERYTHING YOU DO AND APPLY

THE JOURNEY: If you remember me writing last year how hard the holidays were, you would probably remember that my impression was that I would have been happy to not go through a holiday again. I mean, come on. Why would any of us want to subject ourselves to that kind of pain intentionally. So as the holidays approached, I anticipated trouble. It is not like we are waiting for it. The emotions are like someone peeking around the corner at you. They sneak up when you least expect it and remind you things that you hoped would hide a little longer. But it has now been almost two years and even though there is some angst, sadness, a little anger etc, there is also a sense of peace, and a knowing. The knowing is about understanding that when I first started writing this blog, I didn't care if anyone was reading. That wasn't what it was about. It was all about putting feelings to paper and finding out that it helped me in healing and taking one step at a time forward. As time went on I realized that folks were reading the blog and it took on some form of responsibility. Hearing from people that voiced their similar experiences made me realize that we aren't alone even if we think we are. Again thanks to you, healing continued for me in knowing that touching other people through writing was my avenue of rising out of the ashes. Finally, knowing that the holidays are gentler now because of the journey I've taken, makes me want to thank all of you for listening and caring and being part of the healing team. If the book form of this is one day published I hope that we can continue to help others heal through our combined experiences. Thank you all for your friendship, love and input into this humble soul. Happy Holidays




PAST AND FUTURE



SWINGING BETWEEN PAST AND FUTURE
CAN SOMETIMES EFFECT YOUR EQUILIBRIUM
FOCUSING ON ONE ONLY
CAN EFFECT YOUR WHOLENESS

BEING WITHIN BOTH
DOES REQUIRE THE FOCUS
TO GRASP THAT LIFE IS NOT
MADE UP OF ONE OR THE OTHER

YOU CAN BE IN THE PAST AND THE FUTURE
ALLOWING BOTH TO GUIDE YOU
ON THE ROAD TO DISCOVERY

THE JOURNEY: Forty years from now I want to look you in the eyes and say "thank you for the journey". Sometimes I truly wonder what I'm going to write about. So, I will occasionally throw the question out to the universe and see what happens. That is the interesting thing about inspired thought. You never know when it is going to hit you and who might be sending you the message. So, that line came to me with intention and full body goose bumps. That is when I pay attention. The statement seems simple enough on the surface, but of course there always seems to be double meanings in these inspirational pulses that arrive unexpectedly. Being the reporter type, I decided to analyze it. It could mean that when it is my time to go, I get to look Barbara in the face and thank her for saving my butt, hooking me up with incredible friends of the past and future and for telling me to wake up and pay attention to the incredible opportunities that I got to participate in. It could mean thanking my second life love for the patience of seeing the journey through with me. I would be overwhelmingly humbled to think that I was able to be connected to two beautiful souls and live such a profound and rewarding life that included such great kids that allowed me to be their father. Of course I am just ad-libbing here but I get the sense that what I'm suppose to say is that if you have lost someone in your life, you need to be told that it is OK to plan for the future. You survived for a reason and to be able to honor your past and your future with thanksgiving is what you need to give yourself as a present.




EAGLE


I HEARD THE EAGLE FROM A DISTANCE
NEVER SEEING ITS FLIGHT
TO SWOOP OVER THE RIVER
RETRIEVING FISH FOR ITS FAMILY

FAITH IN KNOWING THE EAGLE IS THERE
IS ENOUGH FOR THE MOMENT
REALIZING I DON'T NEED TO SEE THINGS
TO BELIEVE OF THEIR EXISTENCE

WITHOUT FAITH
THERE IS THE NEED FOR PROOF
IMAGINATION ONLY REQUIRES
THE FAITH TO BELIEVE SO HARD
THAT YOU KNOW ITS EXISTENCE IS REAL

THEY JOURNEY: All I wanted was clam chowder. I'll get back to that in a minute. Turning points in ones life can take many forms. You can have an experience that is so profound that you will never look at things the same way. You can get angry at your deceased spouse and get a response that tells you she is listening. You can have love in your life that surprises you because you weren't sure that you would feel it again. Or you could go looking for clam chowder on the Oregon coast and not find it anywhere. You keep driving in the pitch black and pouring rain not really understanding why you are doing it. You end up at a state park with no name and as you enter the parking lot, you realize that you have entered some sort of calm in the storm. There is no rain and the sky is so clear that the stars are the most brilliant jewels in the sky you have ever seen. Venus is like a glowing orb and the big dipper is so bright as it hangs low on the horizon. It actually feels like you can reach out and touch it. You hear the breeze and the surf as one source of sound like a steady and strong heartbeat. Turning points to me are ones that take you away from your planned goal and lead you to an unexpected and profound emotional and spiritual uplift. It is your choice as to whether you pay attention. I am guessing experiences like this don't happen every day. It's funny, I noticed clam chowder everywhere the next day on the way home. Well isn't that interesting!





SYNCHRONICITY


ONE THING HAPPENS
ANOTHER COMES ALONG
WITHOUT MUCH THOUGHT
THEY BOTH TIE TOGETHER

THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON
NOT BY CHANCE
THERE ARE NO COINCIDENCES
IF YOU JUST RELAX AND LOOK

PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT'S HAPPENING
AROUND AND THROUGH YOU
DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU
THAT SYNCHRONICITY IS A DREAM

THE JOURNEY: Where did all these colors come from? The light, the warmth of the sun, the wind in the trees. Trust me, I've seen fall colors before. I have see light come through the trees and watched the wind gently sway the branches. That is not what I'm talking about. The only way I can describe what is going on with my senses is to guess what birth would be like. Coming out would have to be brilliant in color, sound, etc. If you could speak I would think it would be one of those wow moments. I think the term of being reborn has been over used but it really does describe the sights, sounds, and feelings when you suddenly find that enough time has transpired to be able to step into the world that has been there the whole time you have been gone. I really do like wow moments and always find them fascinating and beyond my normal words of explanation. To feel alive with purpose and intention is not something that I thought would be possible again, but I realize that profound moments are Gods way of saying "wake up". Gotta go, I have a rainbow to chase.





TRANSFORMATION



FORMED BY GRIEF
HEALED BY LOVE
TRANSFORMED BY SPIRIT

WRITTEN WITHOUT WRITING
SPOKEN WITHOUT SPEAKING
FELT WITHOUT FEELINGS
KNOWN WITHOUT KNOWING

TRANSFORMATION BY DIVINE LOVE
INTO SECOND LIFE
YOU'RE NEVER ALONE
REACH OUT AND WRITE, SPEAK, FEEL AND KNOW

THE JOURNEY: Have you ever prayed, wondered, meditated, wished, hoped or just said something out loud and it was answered before you finished saying it. I'm always testing Barb and those that have gone on to show me a sign that I'm on the right path. Being a visual type of person, I just like to see these signs. Being a smart aleck sometimes, and with my sense of humor, it is no big deal for me to challenge the spirit world. I was in need for a sign and found a beautiful clear agate on the beach. I know they aren't common because I have spent so much time on the beach. So......being that I have an affinity for the number nine, I challenged Barb and anyone else listening to show me nine of these rocks on the way back to my car. I have a lot of faith that I would end up with exactly nine but since there are no rules when it comes to spirit, I just thought it would be fun to see how it played out. Well, you can guess what happened. Nine clear agates, faith validated, challenge accepted and brought home. You would think that I would learn that challenges are not necessary and that love crosses all boundaries. Perception is everything when it comes to miracles and they invented the sense of humor otherwise they wouldn't put up with me. I know that I will keep asking and looking and when it is my turn to go, we will have quite a conversation and laugh about how I kept trying to challenge them. We are all looking for a connection that gives feedback through validation. I believe that attempting to communicate with love, respect and intention is a form of leading with your heart and keeping an open mind to the possibilities within the human potential. Without the belief of this potential hope, and wonder of things we don't know anything about, we are only left with the cold proof of science. I find that unacceptable and boring at the same time.




YOU ARE WITH ME


HOW DO I KNOW YOU ARE WITH ME
ARE YOU HOLDING MY HAND
ARE YOU PUTTING YOUR ARM AROUND ME
ARE YOU WHISPERING IN MY EAR

I SEE YOUR FACE IN THE STARS
THE BRILLIANCE OF YOUR SOUL
SHINES BRIGHT

I HEAR YOUR VOICE IN THE BREEZE
A WELCOMING BREATH AGAINST MY EAR

I FEEL YOUR PRESENCE IN THE WILD
SURROUNDED BY THE LOVE
OF NATURES COMMITMENT

YOU ARE EVERYWHERE AND NOWHERE
ON THE OUTSIDE AND IN BETWEEN
COMPLETELY AND FOREVER
ALWAYS THERE TO ANSWER

THE JOURNEY: Why should I give a second thought to the place that was such a nemesis to me for at least six months after Barb died. That was the street corner that I would target which was approximately two miles from my house. At the time this street corner was the half way point on my self inflicted route to recovery. I can't stress how hard it was for me to get to that one spot on this big blue planet. It meant everything to me. All my life I have set goals for myself that were not only hard but could be realistically achieved and produce rewards at the same time. This particular goal of reaching the half way point of a walk was I have to admit now probably the hardest goal I had ever set for myself. Not only did it require and extraordinary amount of will power which I have to tell you I didn't think I had, but I had to overcome the negative self talk of it being worthwhile. I believe in setting goals and especially after the loss of someone in your life. You will fight it but ultimately it is what will bring you through the maze of lack of clarity and into the finding of who you really are. So now as I walk by this former goal I bow to its generosity in helping me on my path to a future that is goal oriented once again. I can look back with fondness and quite a bit of pain knowing that the street corner did its part in my story.





STREET CORNER SOBRIETY


REACHING A PLACE
THAT IN DAYS PAST REQUIRED SUCH STRENGTH
IS SOBERING IN ITS IMPACT

REALIZING THAT YOU CAN COME SO FAR
AND FIGHT OFF THE DEMONS THAT INFLATE THEIR VALUE
CONQUERING THE NEED TO SHRINK

OPENS UP THE POSSIBILITIES
TO BEGIN LIFE ANEW
WITH THE CONVICTION OF THE FUTURE
STRAPPED TO YOUR BACK

THE JOURNEY: THINGS I DON'T DO ANYMORE:


1. Walk slowly in a stooped position. It is more painful to walk that way.
2. Leave the dishes for the kids to do. We all know who is going to do them anyway.
3. Pay attention to any political campaign as important. Things don't really
change do they? And if you think they do, then run for something and find out.
4. Think the world should have stopped turning when Barb died. It didn't and it
wouldn't have been fair to the rest of you.
5. Hope the other guy will do the right thing. They might not but if I do, then
that is all that matters.
6. Wonder if I should tell someone what I really think. Time is too short. If it is
important enough, who knows, you might save a life.
7. Think that I'm not being listened too. Trust me. You are being listened to. The
real question is are you interpreting the feedback you are getting back.
8. Rake up all the leaves after they fall. Blowing leaves to the side of the yard
while rationalizing it as mulch is the ultimate protest to do the same thing the
same way for so many years.
9. Think that love will never find me again. There are so many forms of love that
you never knew existed. Be open to the different delivery methods and just know
that love will find you and it will be perfect for you.
10. Think that writing silly fluffy deeply felt views is something you would never
catch me doing.



HAPPINESS



HAPPINESS IS A STATE OF GRACE
FLEETING FOR SOME
CONTROLLED BY OTHERS

NEVER BE SATISFIED
TO ACCEPT ANYTHING LESS
THAN THE DESIRED OUTCOME

REACH INSIDE AND PULL IT FROM THE DEPTHS
EXPECT IT FOR YOURSELF
RETREATING ONLY WHEN YOUR SPIRIT
REQUIRES IT

MAGIC HAPPENS WHEN YOU DECIDE
THAT HAPPINESS IS A RIGHT
OF BEING HUMAN
AND FACE ITS CONSEQUENCES HEAD ON

THE JOURNEY: I think being alone and being lonely are two different things. Being alone finds me watching TV at weird hours thinking that it is normal for a single person to think about such things as family pictures on the wall. Wondering what happened to the little kids that were in those pictures and thinking out loud that they all made it. Being alone making a meal requires little effort, because I just choose between the avocado or the peanut butter. Neither one is necessarily a great choice, but who is going to complain. I would blame my wife for being alone but how is that going to help. She would just tell me to get over it and do something constructive. But you know, there are just some times in your life that being melancholy is a right of passage. Being in this space allows me to write with more insight about myself and to walk long distance without paying attention to anything going on around me. That includes the curb I didn't see and where the heck did that beautiful sunset come from? You know what? Wrong thinking enters our psyche because we allow it to. I'm making the whole story up anyway. If I'm alone and feeling bad about it, I can just as easily not be alone with myself and enjoy the experience. So instead of blaming Barb for me being alone, I think I will enjoy the sunset until it is gone and choose peanut butter because I can. Bon appetite.




THE TRIP


WHEN A FLOWER MAKES YOU CRY
AND A SONG BREAKS YOUR HEART
REGROUP YOUR THOUGHTS
TAKE STOCK OF HOW FAR YOU'VE TRAVELED

NO TRIP IS PERFECT
IT ALWAYS HAS IT'S UPS AND DOWNS
REMINDING YOU
THAT YOU'RE NEVER FAR FROM THE BEND IN THE ROAD

STAYING ON THE ROAD
IS AS IMPORTANT AS YOU MAKE IT
GOING FASTER
WON'T MAKE IT SAFER

SLOW DOWN
ENJOY THE TRIP
WHAT COMES TOMORROW
MAY MAKE ALL THE DIFFERENCE.

THE JOURNEY: So now I'm the voice of reason. That is not something I would have expected to hear from my son, but I will accept it with humility and explain it to you. So, my middle son is riding a bike across the southwest to raise awareness for water aid around the world. I get a text from him and his cycling partner and it says they are in trouble in the scorching heat, with twenty five mph head winds and being harassed by a local drunk where they are recuperating under a tree. So as a parent, what would you think if you got that text. Right, I call to confirm their imminent death. Turns out they are alive....and just exhausted both physically and mentally. I ask where they are and discover that it is in an area that Barb and I took him to as a baby to visit her now diseased aunt. Some how that one realization for him changes the whole picture. He can now sense being there in the secure arms of his mother and the environment suddenly becomes less menacing. Isn't that true for all of us in how we view life. Our perceptions about where we are and how we choose to see it, is indeed everything. I like being the voice of reason even though I just thought I was being the father figure that a year ago was lost in the fog.


WORDS


WORDS REQUIRE SO LITTLE EFFORT
TO SAY
TO FEEL
AND TO MEAN

IT IS THE MEANING
BEHIND THEM
THAT TAKE THE EFFORT
OF INTERPRETATION

WHAT YOU SAY
MIGHT NOT BE WHAT YOU MEAN
WHAT YOU HEAR
MIGHT NOT BE WHAT WAS INTENDED

SO CLARIFY THE MEANING
SAY WHAT YOU FEEL
HEAR THE REAL INTENT
BE GENUINE IN THE GIVING AND TAKING
AND DON'T GET LOST IN THE CONFUSION

THE JOURNEY: Attending church to see my youngest son get baptized and confirmed was an important dot for me to connect in my own growth as a man who lost his wife to death. I had not been back to church since her death mainly as I can only voice now that the church was my wife. She was involved somehow all the time and her spirit was so strong there. I think in one respect I consider it somewhat cowardly on my part for not facing that and being able to go back to church. On the other hand, I consider it my respect for Barb and her faith and friendships by not interfering in that strong memory. Watching my son with his host family reminded me of when our entire family would sit in church and take up an entire pew. It was a good memory of family, hope, looking to the future and renewal. So thanks to my son, I can now somewhat put aside the fear with in and just remember that any church is a place of fellowship.


ANOTHER TIME

ANOTHER TIME
ANOTHER MOMENT
FOREVER LOST
WITHIN THE MEMORIES OF THE PAST

SPECIAL THOUGHTS
BROUGHT BACK FROM THE DEPTHS
MINGLE WITH THE PRESENT
TO CREATE A NEW MEMORY

GOING FORWARD
MEMORIES MIX OLD AND NEW
COMBINING THE FORCES
CREATING THE NEEDED RE-AWAKENING

THE JOURNEY: Two trees standing side by side can still grow up and out but they can also become intertwined. This produces what would look like one tree. And in some respects, it is true. They move together in the wind swaying in unison. They break under the same stresses, bend just right and show their intertwined beauty to the world. The earth feeds them both allowing them to grow and reach out for those around them. Illness can affect one or both but because time doesn't stand still one can become to ill to continue. One tree wakes up one spring morning and realizes that it is not touching the other tree anymore. Lost and lonely it wants to disappear too, but it doesn't know where it would go. Frustrated and angry it won't grow its leaves or stretch out in the sun to raise its limbs to the birds like it always has. Ready to give up it raises itself to the sky and asks for help. Just when things look like they are at the worst for the tree, it looks down and sees something poking out of the dirt. It senses excitement when it realizes that in the very same place where his former friend stood, are many seedlings reaching up in the light towards his branches. The seedlings intertwine with his trunk and ask tree questions. Over time they grow stronger and bigger and even though no tree can replace his former friend, he knows that he has a purpose. His purpose is to show love, be loved, give wisdom when needed and always remember his special friend with the grace and humility that a relationship like theirs afforded.



LIGHTS



WHITE LIGHTS COMING TOWARD YOU
RED LIGHTS GOING THAT WAY
WHERE ARE YOU GOING
ARE YOU RUNNING AWAY

SIMPLE SOLUTIONS
COME WITH HEAVY PRICES
ARE YOU WILLING TO GIVE IT UP
TO FREE YOURSELF

IT IS LIKELY THAT FINDING YOURSELF
AMONG THE DIFFERENT LIGHTS
GOING IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS
CAN BE CONSIDERED THE MOST
IMPORTANT LESSON OF YOUR LIFE

BE ONE WITH THE UNIVERSE
GO IN THE DIRECTION OF THE FLOW
AND STOP FIGHTING TO SAVE YOURSELF
KNOW THAT WHEN YOU LET GO
YOU WILL BE CARRIED



Writing a book is interesting especially when you have never done it before. What I found out was that I don't like proof reading. But what I have noticed is that when I re-read the material I sometimes don't even recognize the person that wrote it. I will read it like anyone else reading it for the first time and be surprised by either the simplicity or the awareness. It does open up a discussion at least in my head of wondering at very deep level who the author really is.

THE JOURNEY: My best friend says that playing Frisbee golf is a good parallel to the journey through life. Without getting overly metaphysical the point is well taken. You take this round rubber disc that comes in many weights and you throw it. Now typically what happens is that it moves forward in some capacity. In my case it doesn't hardly ever go straight or in the direction I intended when I let it go. But, yes it did move forward which in life is sometimes a major accomplishment. It is a beautiful thing to be following this disc around and seeing where it is going to end up and what drama is going to be created in getting out of the potential predicament. You can take in the sun and the surrounding scenery and just wander aimlessly back and forth across the landscape. You can commune with all the different people you meet along the way while you are looking for every one's discs that flew out of bounds. You can also hang out with the folks that take it so seriously that failure is not in their vocabulary. Be one with the disc. My thoughts about this are:

1. Moving forward is better than moving backwards
2. Strength and domination aren't necessarily the best approaches
3. Being in your body is helpful but letting go is vital
4. Friends can give great advice. You don't have to do it alone
5. You will walk in dog poop no matter what type of shoes you are wearing or what
direction you go
6. It doesn't take a rubber disc to make happiness. It is what you do with the
disc and how you react to it that's important
7. And when you see the disc fly over your head backwards after you throw it, you
smile, pick it up and move forward again

May the wind always be at your back, your disc fly straight and accurate and you avoid all the dog poop.



SEARCHING FOR PEACE


SEARCHING FOR PEACE
IN EVERY DIRECTION
CAN CAUSE CONFUSION
BECAUSE OF ITS SCATTERED NATURE

FINDING PEACE
WITHIN YOURSELF
BRINGS THE ENERGY CENTER
TO WHERE IT SHOULD BE

HAVING PEACE
IS THE LINK OFTEN LOST
TO THE SEARCHING AND FINDING
OF THE MIRACLE WITHIN YOU

THE JOURNEY: Finding your own way through all the land mines placed in front of you when you are the survivor of death can be quite challenging. Move to the left, the right, turn around and run the other way are just some of the decisions you will have to make to get through the mine field. But you know what? When you are standing at the other end of the field and looking back over your shoulder and realizing you made it, you are more surprised than anyone. I mean really, you initially thought that there was no way that you would ever survive the first land mine, let alone all the other ones. So good for you. You survived. You made it. But what really struck me as more important than my own survival was looking to my right and left and seeing all of my kids standing next to me. They survived and made it too. My GOD, what a miracle that was. Everyone is on their own self discovered journey created by their own faith, writing their own story, weaving there own love connection in with the rest of us. I am incredibly blessed to be part of this truly inspired family. Our journeys continue. And the book continue as well. I have decided to add some inspirational quotes from famous deceased people I'm enjoying reading them and including them into the format. Considering the subject of the book, I think they would approve.




THANK YOU


FOR CALLING MY NAME
THROUGH TIMES ETERNAL HEARTBEAT

FOR TOUCHING MY SOUL
WITH THE LOVE OF THE AGES

FOR PULLING ME BACK
FROM THE BRINK OF CONFUSION

FOR DIRECTING MY ENERGY
TO A MORE IMPORTANT PURPOSE

THANK YOU FOR BEING YOU
AND FOR ALLOWING ME TO FIND ME
WITHIN YOUR LOVE

THE JOURNEY: Getting my car washed the other day reminded me of life. As you are being pulled through the space, you can just see glimpses of the outside through all the hyper activity going on around you. Coming through any death in a family can put you into that car wash space. You are surrounded by all of the noise and arms reaching out for you and being flooded by a deluge of water. But if you can relax just a little and try to look out through that fog, you'll see something remarkable. Clearly between the chaotic activity is a sparkling picture of what can and will be. You realize that there is a world out there that can be beautiful and rewarding and then you break out of the car wash into the reality. I love it when these flashes of inspiration take hold. So, continuing on with that theme while rewriting the book version one requirement is that you actually have to read what you wrote at the beginning of the journey. What I have discovered is that it isn't easy to see where I came from. But, that is what it is all about.



PEACE


IF PEACE HAD A FEELING
IT WOULD FEEL LIKE A SLIGHT BREEZE
SWIRLING AROUND THE BODY

THE COOLNESS OF THE WATER
AT THE RIVERS EDGE

THE LOOK OF A LOVER
WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT

THE WARMTH OF THE SUNS RAYS
AS THEY FLOAT THROUGH THE TREE
AND GENTLY REST ON THE ARM

SITTING IN A MEADOW HIGH IN THE MOUNTAINS
LISTENING TO NOTHING AND EVERYTHING AT THE SAME TIME

PEACE COMES IN MANY FLAVORS
MOMENTS AND SOUNDS

BEING AWARE IS ONLY HALF OF IT
FEELING PEACE IS THE COMPLETION

THE JOURNEY: Walking a tightrope without a net would seem at first glance to be stupid. No protection with only the hope of success or the risk of failure. I don't need to tell you what failure would mean. Families provide a net, work, passion, love, exercise, friends all provide nets. But sometimes not having a net can provide you with the most profound growth experiences especially when you are trying to survive the death of a loved one. Recently I was trying to decide if I should come to an end with this blog. You guessed it. This blog has been my net and I was thinking that maybe I should step out on the rope without a net. I asked for input from friends and the consensus seemed to be to continue with the blog. I had been thinking for quite a while that I wanted to put this into some form of book format but to be honest I couldn't mentally see a finished product so I put it on hold. Walking a couple of days ago and you guessed it, talking to my self and Barb, the whole format picture came to me. So now I know how it is suppose to look so all I have to do is make it happen. One of my friends suggested that I include the process of creating the book in the blog as well. Sounds good to me so the blog continues with diversification. Back to the journey. One of the most profound moments in the death of someone for me was to tell Barb it was ago to go. That was truly another moment of walking out on the tightrope without a net. Along that same line I would like to include here a piece written by a friend of this blog who had an article accepted by the folks of "This I Believe". This is great advice with a personal touch.

The greatest gift to a dying loved one is giving them permission to leave and make an effort to remove the guilt of leaving us behind.
1. Tell them you will be okay after they are gone(even when you do not believe this yourself).

The last two years of his life we cared for my father in our home. At the end there was a blockage in his kidney which could only be relieved with surgery. He would survive no more than 24 hours without surgery. But, because of his COPD, he could not survive the ventilator needed for the surgery. Surgery was his only option, even though he could not survive it. He knew this going in. He survived the surgery and was sent to ICU. He would wake once in a while, but was fading. My wife, our son, our daughter and I were at his bedside. As time passed he struggled for every breath. I leaned in and whispered "It's okay dad. You can go. We will be alright." At this point he breathing eased and gradually became shallower until it stopped. He was at peace.

2. Do what you can to relieve the guilt for the loved one leaving you behind. Show that you can manage so your loved one will let go of their earthly worries.

I often worked six days a week and more than ten hours a day. My wife was the absolute caregiver. She took care of the children bills, meals, etc....She felt strongly that our home was her responsibility, and she thrived.

The last few years of her life she/we battled cancer(melanoma). The immune therapy for treating it, to call them debilitating is an understatement. In the last few months of her life the cancer spread to her hip bone. This made even getting around in a wheelchair difficult. At this point I started taking over the household duties. I did this in secret and would pick up groceries on my way home from work. I would then wait until she fell asleep before I unloaded the car. I would often be up until 1 in the morning doing the laundry, cleaning, and making sure the house was in order. I would be back up to get our daughter ready for school and prepare dinner for the evening. Family and friends would come during the day while I was at work and our daughter was in school.

She was able to witness the household hold together. It comforts me to know she was able to leave in peace. And since most of the work was done in secret she was spared the guilt of leaving us alone, and the worry that we would not be able to take care of ourselves without her.

"This I Believe" February 1, 2010- Robin Zimmerman


ETERNALLY

WOVEN ETERNALLY
WITHIN THE FRAMEWORK OF MANKIND
IS THE LOVE THAT CAN SAVE
OR THE LOVE THAT CAN BLIND

MANY TIMES HISTORY HAS PROVEN
THAT QUESTS ARE TAKEN
FOR THE LOVE THAT CAN SAVE
OR THE LOVE THAT CAN BLIND

KNOWING WHICH PATH TO TAKE
AT ANY POINT IN TIME
REFLECTS THE TRUE SPIRIT
OF WHETHER YOU WILL
BE SAVED BY LOVE
OR BLINDED BY LOVE

THE JOURNEY: This week was a big step in my transformation into duel parenthood. What I mean is that I took on a very uncomfortable role that would have been in Barbs realm. I would have gladly never have been involved in this in a million years because I feel I entered into the world of the female. Yes, I took my youngest daughter to have her ears pierced. Not only did I step into a world I don't understand, but the pictures on the walls of where piercing can go were a little overwhealming. I had know idea that they could put metal in those places. It was like walking into a dream, with flowing water, art work and big couches. OK, I know what you are thinking. Man up and take it for the team. I did and it was just one more step on the journey of becoming the super dad. Think I need some air. Oh, and my daughter.....she looks beautiful.



THE BURDEN

THE RELATIONSHIP YOU HAD
BLENDED SO WELL TOGETHER
CREATED A BOND
OF NOT BEING SEPERATED

YOU THOUGHT TOGETHER
EVERTHING AS ONE
THE ENERGY MELTED INTO A COHESIVE
STRENGTH THAT WAS NEEDED

NOW THAT THEY ARE GONE
YOU HAVE A SEPARATE LIFE
YOU THINK AS ONE BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO

NO LONGER RELYING ON EACH OTHER TO DECIDE
YOU ENTER A PLACE OF UNCERTAINTY
YOU MIGHT BE AFRAID TO MOVE AHEAD
TO MAKE A LIFE OF DECISIONS

BUT KNOW IN YOUR HEART
THAT YOUR LOVED ONE
IS THERE HELPING YOU TO CARRY THE BURDEN

THE JOURNEY: Reflection of a journey can sometimes bring insight to something that you might think was a random act of the universe. I have not done this before at this depth, but decided that I was going to go back in time to when I started writing this blog and actually read what I wrote. For some reason I had a sudden urge to find out who I was then and see if I can extrapolate meaning out of the journey. I am still surprised when I was hit over the head and inspired to write poetry. At a time when I could hardly walk, having that kind of extraordinary experience to me now was a miracle. It suddenly opened my mind again and most importantly opened the door to my crushed spirit. Since then I have met other folks that were also inspired after the death of a spouse to do something that was out of character. It makes me wonder if when you are at your lowest depths of grief whether GOD or whatever source you believe in throws out a life raft for you to grab on to and says "row". It is fascinating to me to think that we are being watched over and will be given the opportunity to save ourselves. Well I did start rowing although it felt like I wasn't moving very fast. I slowly started to feel my physical body again because for a long time all I felt was numbness. This lead to taking the first steps in walking further and further. I liken it to walking up a long flight of stairs that never seem to end and then all of a sudden you are standing at the top and on flat ground. I came to realize that walking and riding my bike brought me from the place where I honestly did not think I was going to come out of. I am convinced that most folks reach a point where they physically, emotionally, and spiritually come to the crossroads where they have to decide to survive and move forward or not. I totally get it and what I learned was that if you know someone there you can only encourage them but keep in mind that not all of us choose to move on. I learned that as one part of your life gets unbalanced it has a huge impact on all facets of your life. A death can impact your beliefs, job, relationships, and really mess up your physical and emotional body. It is like a spiral down the rabbit hole to hang out with Alice. If anyone ever tells you to hide your emotions, throw something at them. You know the old saying that guys don't cry. That is the biggest fallacy ever. Pain is pain and unless you let it out you will destroy yourself, so I tell you here that I am a proponent of understanding how valuable it is to release that unbelievable amount of grief. It will build up like a tea kettle until it is vented letting out the rage and sadness. That alone probably did more to move me on the recovery path than anything. Eventually those moments of madness diminish in intensity and length and become manageable. I discovered that it is fairly easy to get caught up in your own grief that you can easily leave your family members at the curb. You need to circle back and pick them up because after all, they lost someone too. At that point it becomes a joint venture in survival. It will have its ups and downs but each and everyone will travel on their own journey in their own time and will cross your path from time to time. How do I say this without sounding too negative. Oh, what the heck. Holidays suck. It took me a full year before I stopped hating holidays. I would suggest that just knowing it will be difficult is helpful and to not expect yourself to react the same way. This too will pass. Finding me was a surprise also. Realizing that I could smile again, have passion, love, return to improve in my job, start cooking, meet great people, take care of the dog, care, write and have plans for the future were truly eye opening for me. Normal shifted so much that I decided that in my second life normal was going to be and look different. Advice from folks became common place but ultimately going with my heart proved to be the best direction. You will find your own path that will lead you out of the fog. Trust in yourself to make the right decisions connecting the dots. It became a passion of mine to listen to what was going on around me, connect the dots and follow the path created. It continues today and I am so thankful for the journey. I believe that personally I have become closer to the source. Death, grief and the fog could very easily push you in an opposite direction but in my case because of inspired writing I became closer. Blame was thrown out and forgiveness became a friend. Loneliness is a big hurdle you have to face and overcome. I don't have any suggestions on overcoming loneliness because I believe that we all will figure out how much loneliness we are willing to put up with and when it is time to do something about it. It is all good and perfect.Reflection is good because it shows you where you have come from and you can compare to what you are now. Coming to grips with what happened and realizing that it means that you are indeed on a road that is real and beneficial to your ongoing life, means that you are paying attention. That is the ultimate lesson of the journey. If you are aware and paying attention, then you will see the different possibilities.After doing this review I can truly say with certainty, I have come a long way baby. I wish for you the same insight. If not now, soon. For any of you that might be still reading this journey, thank you, but I would like like to throw out a request. I believe that having come this far, this blog should move in the direction of answering other peoples questions and concerns. It is obvious to me that as I have come through the cycle it is time to move this to another level. So a thought occurred to me to ask you what you would like to talk about as it pertains to this subject. Please feel free in sending your questions or subject matter to be discussed in future postings. Until then, thanks for being on this journey with me.


THE GIFT


SINGLED OUT
TO RECEIVE THE GIFT
HUMBLY ACCEPTED
AND WILLING TO GIVE OUT

THE GIFT OF LIFE
THE GIFT OF LOVE
THE GIFT OF TRUTH
THE GIFT OF FORGIVENESS

TOGETHER WITH PURPOSE
GIVEN WITH INTENT
BRINGS REWARD TO THE SPIRIT
AND PURPOSE TO THE MAN

THE JOURNEY: LESSONS ON THE ROAD

1. 5 hour energy drink only lasts three.

2. It is easy to forget what city you are in when you've been on the road for two weeks.

3. You can squeeze ten basketball players into your van if necessary.

4. It is a surprise when you realize that your are standing in front of a hotel that you stayed in on your honeymoon.

5, Girl basketball players talk about things you don't want to hear, eat constantly and have the most interesting smells especially when traveling all day after a game.

6. Unknown and unusual things mysteriously materialize in your car that you can only carefully remove or beat with a stick.

7. After 17 hours on the road with your daughter fingers are not easily pried from the steering wheel.

8. Coming home to trees can bring tears to your eyes.

9. If you ever see another In and Out Burger, your may shoot yourself.

10. Just because you are tired, it doesn't mean your memories over the past year and a half go away. They follow you.

11. Having your daughter drive at high speeds on major freeways can make your connection to your maker really strong.

12. Showers in hotels never really work and what's up with the coffee in the room?

Looking at a trip like that from a larger perspective, you realize that people are typically nice, you do things for the ones you love, girls travel well in packs and your guardian angel was watching over you and rooting for the home team.


COMPANION

MY CONSTANT COMPANION
IS THE THOUGHT THAT I HAVE OF WHAT NOW

IT GOES WITH ME WHERE EVER I GO
SPEAKS GENTLY TO MY LISTENING HEART
FINDS ME AT THE ODDEST MOMENTS
AND REJOICES WITH ME WHEN IT SEEMS RIGHT

SEEN BY ITSELF
IT HAS NO POWER
JOINED WITH MY SPIRIT
WE MOVE TOGETHER

I SEEK ITS COMPANIONSHIP
KNOWING IT HAS STRENGTH
TO GUIDE ME ON MY JOURNEY
EVEN IF I FAIL TO RECOGNIZE ITS WISDOM

THE JOURNEY: Brand spanking new babies are so tiny an soft that it can't help but melt you into memories long forgotten. On our way to Los Angeles for basketball, my youngest daughter and I went to Vegas to visit my oldest daughter and my nephew and his wife who just brought home their new baby Elizabeth. The parallel story of their young lives and Barb and my own early story is something that registered deeply within me. We both lost our first born sons. Our son named Joshua had a heart problem and died at ten days old from complications of surgery. Their son Joseph died at birth from complications of delivery. Now I tell you that not to invoke any kind of sympathy but to take you to the next connection of the stories. All of us went through similar angst through the following pregnancy with the second child. In the back of my mind there was always that nagging concern if everything was going to be OK the second time around. So you go through the whole pregnancy on hope and faith. And, when the time comes and the new baby enters into the world and you hear the nurse say that the baby is breathing and has all their fingers and toes, you finally breathe. You didn't realize that you had in a sense been holding your breath for the past nine months. I remember Barb and I pulling off the side of the road after leaving the hospital and just taking the time to be the new family, look at the miracle all wrapped up like a cocoon and just breathe and cry. Life gives us second chances after what would seem to be insurmountable losses. What we do with those second chances is entirely up to us. Beautiful new babies, second lives, new jobs or new relationships. I believe they are all placed there for a reason and if we just learn to breathe again we will utilize them to the fullest.


SCENTS

SCENTS OF A TIME GONE BY
RECORDED IN THE SUBCONSCIOUS
RETRIEVING THE MEMORIES
WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT

FLASHES OF WHAT WAS PAST
CONNECTED TO WHAT IS PRESENT
REMINDS THE SOUL
TO NOT FORGET

BRING THE FLASHES WITH YOU
CHERISH THE SCENE
BY HOW IT MAKES YOU FEEL
AND DON'T FORGET THE OTHERS

CONTAINED WITHIN THOSE LINKS
IS THE UNDERSTANDING
THAT THE PAST AND THE PRESENT
ARE THE AVENUE TO WHO YOU ARE

THE JOURNEY: As I head out of town with my youngest daughter who is a basketball player on an AAU team, I realize how different things are for the two of us compared to a year and a half ago. Back then we would have never been involved in making this happen for her in playing for a traveling team that plays all over the West coast. It wasn't really that we didn't want to back her in this endeavor, it was more that when Barb was alive we had different priorities and time constraint issues that would have made it impossible to make it happen. When she died those previous constraints went out the window like a rush of air leaving a balloon. It suddenly became painfully obvious that my daughter and I now had time on our side to use as we wished. Being both sports oriented it became easy to support her desire to pursue playing at a higher level of girls basketball and try to get her noticed by college coaches at these huge West Coast tournaments. I think we all find that in a blink of an eye we have time on our hands that we never thought conceivable when our spouses were alive. It is an interesting phenomenon. Where did the time really come from? And when you have many kids like we had and could never support this kind of thing for the older kids, it does make it a little awkward when your youngest gets all the attention now that mom died. The flip side is that it has really given us bonding time together during an unbelievable period in both of our lives that we would have never had otherwise. You figure it out by imagining two weeks on the road with a teenage girl driving all over California going to events that could impact her future. No pressure there. Good thing I am so layed back and have always told her to just have fun. And if it doesn't go well, it is going to be one heck of a long drive back from San Diego. I think the point for me here is that there is an ironic twist of fate that it took a death to bring us so close together. Life isn't fair sometimes but I wouldn't give up what is going on between my daughter and myself. I think my lesson if I could turn back the clock would of course be to have kept Barb here on this earth and at the same time develop this really strong bond with a daughter that I hope reaches her dream of playing in college basketball. It's too bad we can't always have everything we want. I will settle for three pointers from April for her mom.


PEACE BLANKET

CAN YOU HAVE A BLANKET MADE FOR PEACE
WEAVED WITH CARE
HELD TOGETHER WITH LOVE
PROTECTING THE SOULS THAT COME TOGETHER
THAT NEED IT THE MOST

PROTECTING THE DREAMS
WARMING THE HEART
BEATING IN ITS ALL CONSUMING
SENSE OF SECURITY

YOU ARE MY PEACE BLANKET
PROTECTING ME FROM HARM
LOVING ME WITH YOUR WARMTH
WEAVING ME INTO SOMETHING I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE
AND WAS JUST WAITING FOR GENTLE WEAVERS HANDS
TO RELEASE THE MAGIC THAT WAS ALWAYS THERE

THE JOURNEY: What is a perfect love. Is there such a thing? Does it require anything special to hold on to it? What does it feel like and can that feeling be maintained for a lifetime? I of course don't have the answers but as usual I have my opinions. I think there are so many kinds of love that a perfect love to me is one that I needed at a particular point in life. For instance, having been married for so long, Barbs love for me was perfect. It provided a base, security, a great family and most importantly a feeling of belonging. Were things perfect? Well, probably not, but I would imagine that we could all say that. But, it was a "perfect" love for me in the cosmic sense of things. So right it was like a glove that fits well. You know it in your heart. So when you lose that perfect love, you find yourself asking whether you will ever be able to find the glove that will fit so well again. And then it dawns on you that you have all the rest of your life to fill. So you start looking even though it might only be subconsciously. After all, you found the perfect love once, why not again. The problem is that definition of perfect. I think it can be confusing and un-necessary to expect perfection. I think we as humans want to put labels on things and that is why we are always looking for perfection. Why not just expect a relationship to be perfect for the moment and if it is not perfect at some point in the future, so be it. My point is, if you are really waiting for perfection then you might miss something that could have been important for your growth. You could also be transferring your definition onto some unsuspecting soul who wants nothing more than to be loved. Life is to short in what I call the "2ND life" to be hung up with comparisons in your past. Of course, mistakes will be made. Pain will definitely be present. But allowing yourself to be open to the possibilities of life in the long run will only bring the realization that there is life after death. So, what I am suggesting is that it is OK to allow yourself to take the chance and use your 2ND life to search, enjoy and just be who you need to be. in other words, be perfect to yourself.


THE GIFT

THE CALL OF THE BIRD AT NIGHT
THE LONE STAR IN THE SKY
REQUIRES SO LITTLE
TO SEE AND HEAR

THE DOG BARKS WITH NO ONE YELLING
THE LIGHT SHINES IN THE FACE OF THE WALKER
BE STILL AND USE THE SENSES

THE RUSTLE OF THE THE LEAVES UNDER YOUR FEET
THE GARAGE DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING
WITHOUT A CARE OF THE FAST PACED WORLD
ENTER THE SPACE THAT IS INSIDE OF YOU

EXPECT NOTHING
SENSE EVERYTHING
FEEL THE LOVE WITHIN YOURSELF
BEING AT PEACE NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE
IS A GIFT YOU DESERVE





THE LETTER-DECEMBER 25, 2008

DEAR DEAN,

I AM WRITING THIS LETTER TO YOU BECAUSE, AS DIFFICULT AS IT IS TO BELIEVE, I HAVE A HARD TIME EXPRESSING MYSELF IN PERSON WHEN IT COMES TO MATTERS OF LOVE. STORIES ARE NOT PROBLEM, AND MINDLESS BANTER IS A SPECIALTY, BUT IT IS HARD TO TELL SOMEONE JUST HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU.

YOU HAVE BEEN SUCH A MODEL HUSBAND, FATHER AND HUMAN TO ME OVER THESE MANY YEARS. I HAVE LEARNED SO MUCH FROM YOU, AND FOR THAT I WILL BE ETERNALLY GRATEFUL. I HAVE LEARNED THE MEANING TO THE WORD PATIENCE. YOU ARE THE KINDEST, GENTLEST, LOVING MAN I KNOW. YOU NEVER YELL TO CORRECT, BUT LOVINGLY SUGGEST THAT PERHAPS THE NEXT TIME I TRY TO ENSURE THE FORKLIFT FORKS ARE LEVEL BEFORE RUNNING INTO THE SIDE OF ANOTHER BIN. WHEN I TRY TO IMAGINE HOW TO BE UNDERSTANDING WITH MY GIRLS, I THINK OF YOU AND FIND THE PATIENCE TO GENTLY ASK ONE MORE TIME. I AM NOT A PERFECT FATHER, AND YOU HAVE TAUGHT ME THAT IT IS OK TO NOT BE PERFECT AS LONG AS YOU ARE COMPASSIONATE TOWARD YOUR CHILDREN. YOU HAVE TAUGHT ME ALL THESE THINGS AS YOU MODELED THEM FOR ME.

I HAVE DEARLY LOVED OUR CONVERSATIONS ON TEACHING OVER THE YEARS AS WELL. I AM CERTAIN MY STUDENTS HAVE BENEFITED FROM THESE DISCUSSIONS, BECAUSE YEARS AWAY FROM THE CLASSROOM YOUR PASSION FOR LEARNING STILL BURNS DEEPLY AND IT IS AN INFECTIOUS MALADY, INDEED. LONG WALKS TO THE YAK SCREEN, LESSONS ON A TRACTOR, AN EVER WILLING VICTIM OF MY COOKING, YOU HAVE TAUGHT ME TO SAVOR THE MOMENT OF LIFE. ON THIS CHRISTMAS NIGHT, I REFLECT ON THE MANY BLESSINGS AND GIFTS GOD HAS SO ABUNDANTLY SHOWERED ME WITH THROUGHOUT MY LIFE, AND ONE OF THE DEAREST GIFTS HAS BEEN TO KNOW YOU AND LOVE YOU SO MANY YEARS.

FORM THE FIRST MOMENT I MET YOU OVER 20 YEARS AGAIN WHEN YOU CLIMBED DOWN ON THE FLOOR OF A OURAY HOTEL TO PLAY GAMES WITH LITTLE EVAN COOPER AND WE WERE THROWING POPSICLE STICKS WITH ABANDON TOGETHER IN MINUTES; TO THESE LAST FEW WEEKS IN WHICH YOU INSPIRE ME WITH THE GRACE AND DIGNITY YOU CONTINUE TO SHOW IN SUCH PAIN AND DISCOMFORT, I AM SO MUCH THE RICHER FOR KNOWING YOU. YOUR THOUGHTS IN THESE LAST TROUBLED DAYS, AS THEY ALWAYS HAVE BEEN ARE NOT FOR YOURSELF BUT ALL THOSE AROUND YOU. KNOWING YOU I HAVE A MUCH BETTER UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT JESUS CHRIST WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE IF HE WERE WALKING WITH ME IN THE FLESH. YOU ARE THAT CHRIST TO ALL THOSE AROUND YOU, A REFLECTION OF THE DIVINE, AND YOU GIVE US ALL HOPE THAT IF GOD IS AS LOVING AS YOU, THERE MIGHT BE MERCY FOR ANY OF US. THANK YOU FOR YOUR WILLINGNESS TO BE GOD'S PRESENCE IN OUR WORLD. IT NEEDS SO MUCH OF IT.

I COULD NEVER REPAY YOU FOR ALL THE KINDNESS AND LOVE YOU HAVE GIVEN ME BY ACCEPTING ME INTO YOUR FAMILY, BUT ON THIS CHRISTMAS NIGHT I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE YOU A GIFT IN THE FORM OF THREE PROMISES I MAKE TO YOU THIS DAY.

FIRST, AS LONG AS I DRAW BREATH, YOU WILL LIVE ON IN MY STORIES AND MEMORIES OF YOU THAT I WILL GENEROUSLY SHARE WITH ANYONE LUCKY ENOUGH(OR PATIENT ENOUGH)TO LISTEN. I WILL TEACH YOUR CHILDREN AND GRAND CHILDREN AND GREAT GRAND CHILDREN OF THE GRACE-FILLED MAN WHOM I AM PROUD TO KNOW. YOU ARE IMMORTAL IN THE HEARTS OF THOSE THAT LOVE YOU, AND YOU WILL LIVE IN MY STORIES AS LONG AS I SPEAK.

SECONDLY, I WILL LOVE AND HONOR AND TREASURE YOUR DAUGHTER, PAULA, AS MY DEAR WIFE AS LONG AS I LIVE. I HAVE LEARNED HOW TO BE PATIENT AND A LOVING AND UNDERSTANDING HUSBAND FROM YOUR EXAMPLE, AND PUALA RICHLY DESERVES ALL THE LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING I CAN MUSTER. AS THE FATHER OF THREE DAUGHTERS, I KNOW WELL THE FONDEST WISH OF A FATHER IS THAT HIS DAUGHTERS ARE HAPPY AND LOVED AND NURTURED. WITH ALL THAT I AM, I WILL DO WHAT I CAN TO MAKE SURE THAT YOUR LOVING DAUGHTER, PAULA, IS MY QUEEN AND MY BEST FRIEND UNTIL OUR NATURAL DEATHS.

THIRD, I WILL DO EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO ALWAYS BE A NURTURING AN COMPASSIONATE FATHER TO YOUR THREE BEAUTIFUL GRANDDAUGHTERS, MEGHAN, ABBEY AND ERIN. I WILL GIVE THEM A SAFE HOME, A SUPPORTIVE FAN OF THEIR MUSIC, A SHOULDER TO CRY ON, A FRIEND TO LISTEN TO, AND BOUNDARIES TO SHAPE THEM INTO FINE HUMAN BEINGS. I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU LOVE THEM, AND I HOPE THAT YOU TAKE GREAT COMFORT IN KNOWING THAT THEY WILL BE WELL CARED FOR, CHALLENGED, SUPPORTED AND ENCOURAGED TO BECOME WHO THEY WERE CREATED TO BE . I WILL RAISE THEM SO THEY KNOW WELL THE ENTIRE FAMILY YOU LOVE, AND TO KNOW THAT THEY ARE HOME WHEN THEY ARE WITH ALL OF US, IRENE, SCOTT, DARCY, RON, SAM, PAULA, THE ELAS, THE RUSSELLS, AND ALL THE COUSINS.

THESE ARE MY THREE GIFTS TO YOU THIS NIGHT; TO KEEP YOU BURNING BRIGHTLY IN MY STORIES, TO LOVE YOUR DAUGHTER WITH MY WHOLE HEART AND SOUL, AND TO RAISE YOUR GRANDDAUGHTERS IN THE PEACE AND LOVE OF A WELCOMING AND UNDERSTANDING FAMILY. I CANNOT DO THESE THINGS ALONG; I WILL NEED YOUR PRAYER AND SUPPORT, YOUR LOVE AND EXAMPLE, YOUR BLESSINGS AND YOUR PRESENCE HERE ON EARTH AND IN HEAVEN. WE ARE ALL ON A JOURNEY HOME TO OUR HEAVENLY FATHER, FOR SOME THE JOURNEY IS MUCH LONGER AND HARDER THAN FOR OTHERS. I THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART FOR ALL THE TIME WE HAVE SPENT TOGETHER ON THIS JOURNEY HOME. IF GOD WILL IT, I HOPE WE HAVE MANY MILES YET TO GO TOGETHER ON THIS EARTH, IF GOD WILLS OTHERWISE, I WISH YOU A SAFE JOURNEY TO THE PLACE HE HAS PREPARED FOR ALL OF US. I AM SORRY THAT I CANNOT SAY ALL OF THIS TO YOU IN PERSON, BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW HOW MUCH YOU HAVE AFFECTED THIS WANDERING IRISHMAN, AND HOW BLESSED I AM BECAUSE OF YOU.

WITH GREAT LOVE AND AFFECTION,

TIM CASEY

DEAN NELSON PHILLIPS-DIED JANUARY 7, 2009

JOURNEY: I HAVE JOINED THE LOCAL ROTARY CLUB IN MY TOWN BECAUSE I SAW THE NEED TO GET MYSELF OUT INTO THE COMMUNITY AND WORLD IN AN EFFORT TO RE-CONNECT. ONE OF THE BIG THINGS THEY DO EVERY YEAR IS THE TOWNS FOURTH OF JULY PARADE. IT IS PRETTY BIG AND HAS AROUND 150 DIFFERENT ENTRIES THAT INCLUDE FLOATS, BANDS, POLITICIANS ETC. ALSO, IT HAS HORSES. GUESS WHAT I WAS GIVEN THE RESPONSIBILITY FOR. YEP, HORSE ENTRIES. I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED HORSES AND THOUGHT AS A KID THAT I WANTED TO RAISE WILD MUSTANGS, SO THIS ASSIGNMENT WAS NO PROBLEM. THE WAY THIS PARADE WORKS IS THAT BECAUSE OF ITS SIZE THERE ARE DIFFERENT STAGING AREAS THROUGH OUT THE NEIGHBORHOOD THAT ARE USED TO ORGANIZE THE GROUPS THAT ARE GOING TO BE IN THE PARADE AND WHEN THE TIME COMES THEY ARE FED DOWN A STREET TO A PLACE WHERE THEY ARE FUNNELED INTO THE PARADE ALONG WITH OTHER GROUPS COMING FROM DIFFERENT AREAS. IT IS CONTROLLED CONFUSION AT ITS BEST, BUT IN THE END IT ALL SEEMS TO COME TOGETHER. AT ONE POINT DURING THIS CONFUSION I HAD A FLASH OF INTUITION THAT OUR LIVES SOMETIMES FEEL LIKE THE PARADE ORGANIZATION. WE ARE ALL BEING DIRECTED DOWN CERTAIN PATHS AND FUNNELED ONTO THE STAGE, NOT NECESSARILY KNOWING WHAT IS GOING TO BE ALONG THE ROUTE. THERE ARE PEOPLE THROWING CANDY IN CELEBRATION SOMETIMES. THERE ARE ROAD BLOCKS THAT PREVENT TURNING INTO THE DIRECTION YOU THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO GO. THERE IS NOISE THAT EXCITES AND CONFUSES AT THE SAME TIME. THERE ARE HORSE GROUPS THAT GET ANTSY AT THE SLIGHTEST PROVOCATION. THERE ARE PEOPLE IN CONTROL AND THOSE THAT JUST FOLLOW DIRECTION. THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT TURN DOWN A ONE WAY STREET GOING THE WRONG WAY AND OTHERS THAT JUST LIKE TO STOP AND BLOCK TRAFFIC. THERE ARE ALSO MOMENTS OF WHIMSY AND EXECUTIVE DECISION MAKING SUCH AS WHEN YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF THE FINAL TWO HORSE ENTRIES AND SUDDENLY REALIZE THE THE FRONT OF THE PARADE IS TURNING THE CORNER OF THE STREET YOUR STANDING ON AND COMING IN YOUR DIRECTION. DO YOU PANIC, RUN THE OTHER WAY, TELL EVERYONE ITS EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF. NO....YOU VERY QUICKLY SEND THE HORSES DOWN THE STREET AHEAD OF THE ONCOMING PARADE AND WAIVE GOODBYE TO THE KIDS YOU JUST SPENT FOUR HOURS WITH, KNOWING THAT THEY ARE GOING TO BE INSERTED INTO A PARADE AND BE GIVEN EXPERIENCES THAT THEY WILL REMEMBER THE REST OF THEIR LIVES. THEN YOU GET OUT OF THE ROAD SO YOU DON'T GET RUN OVER BY THE PRECISION MOTORCYCLE GROUP WEAVING AROUND THE STREET AND COMING STRAIGHT AT YOU. FOR SOME REASON...FOREST GUMP COMES TO MIND. "LIFE IS LIKE A BUNCH OF CHOCOLATES". I LIKE THE THOUGHT OF INSERTING MYSELF INTO THE PARADE ROUTE AND ONTO THE STAGE OF LIFE. I WON'T KNOW WHAT WILL BE AROUND THE CORNER UNTIL I GET THERE. I WILL RISK THE MOMENTARY STEPPING IN HORSE MANURE IN ORDER TO BE FULLY ALIVE AND RECEIVE THE CANDY BEING THROWN AT ME. BARB WILL BE WAIVING FROM THE SIDE WALK AND I WILL WAIVE BACK KNOWING THAT I HAVE HER FULL SUPPORT TO MARCH INTO WHAT EVER IS AHEAD.

I WILL BE A CHILD OF THE WINDS UNTIL THE END OF MY DAYS-BRUCE COCKBURN


ONE STEP

IT ONLY TAKES ONE STEP TO MOVE AHEAD
TO TAKE YOU OUT OF THE WHIRL OF EMOTIONS THAT YOU'RE IN
TO SET A SITE OF THE DISTANT SHORE
TO LET YOUR SELF EXPAND AND FULL FILL YOUR RIGHT

IT ONLY TAKES ONE STEP

ONE STEP FOR YOU
ONE STEP FOR THOSE AROUND YOU
ONE STEP FOR LIFE

IT ONLY TAKES ONE STEP

THE JOURNEY: Taking control of your life over the protests of your psyche can leave you in a position that only confuses things. A couple of things happened this week to make me reflect on how far I have come or not. I thought after a year and a half that maybe it was time to take off my wedding ring. My premise was that although I always thought that I would go to my own grave with this ring on, I never counted on Barb leaving before me. So I sit here and ponder what this ring means to me and what it means for the future. My current thought is that as I'm moving forward it reminds me of the past and I need to change that perspective in order to really let go. And so, in an attempt to be grown up, reflective and philosophical about material things and continue to fight for the new me, I make a stab at getting the ring off my finger. The problem is that no amount of vasoline, olive oil or tugging and pulling will relieve the finger of something that has been attached to it for thirty five years.
The other thing that happened was that I had my house cleaned by a professional. There is nothing wrong with that because without that kind of help my kids and I would be in over our heads. But, I noticed that she had switched all the utensils around in the drawer to be backwards of how they had been forever. My first thought was so what, just switch them back. How simple. Why would anything so ordinary bother you. You can hear the wheels turning in my head huh? On second thought moving ahead means changes in your life even if it is accepting the spoons are in the wrong place. And so, staying in the past or being in the future is not really the question. Acceptance of who you are now and how you relate to who you want to be is the issue. As I sit here and type this my spoons are still in the wrong or right place depending on perspective and my wedding ring is still on my finger. Life after a death can be as complicated or simple as you want to make it. What is really importan? Spoons, rings, staying in the past or stepping into the future.....what will be the perfect answer for you?


CLARITY


WITH THE JOURNEY COMES CLARITY
THE JOURNEY THROUGH DEATH INTO LIFE
IS LIKE COMING THROUGH A DARKENED TUNNEL
INTO THE LIGHT

AT THE POINT
THAT YOU HAVE REACHED THE END OF THE TUNNEL
TAKE A BREATH AND LOOK AROUND

CLARITY REQUIRES NOTHING
HE'S WATCHING AND HUGGING YOU WITH LOVE
IN HOPES THAT YOU WILL TAKE
THE STEP TO CLARITY

THE JOURNEY: Fathers Day brings with it a realization that this is the first holiday since Barb died that I haven't tried to hide. Up until now the holiday to me was a painful reminder that things were and never will be the same. At times I wanted to hibernate in a cave that would allow the world to continue on outside but let me protect myself. I don't pretend to understand what has happened over the last year and a half. People sometimes say that time stands still. Well in my case it seemed like time disappeared. I honestly don't remember a lot of it. It doesn't seem possible that I became what I call a momdad, learned to live again, work again, feel, find myself and write while all the time being in a fog of uncertainty. But, it happens. Now, I find that I am building the foundation for the future, becoming someone that I like and taking the role of father back. My eldest daughter told me that she is so glad to see me back again and to be able to talk like we used too. Honestly, I think I was always there somewhere but the new me that I see in the mirror really is a combination of old and new. The difference is that I survived and now have created a goal oriented person that is in control of the future. Don't worry, I know the reality of that statement but it sounds good to say it. I will incorporate the strengths of the past with the rights of the future. I will be present in my kids lives and be the father that Barb always knew I could be. Oh, I will make mistakes along the way but I won't be in the cave anymore. Only sunshine for me baby. I think that the lesson learned here is that the fog will lift, the cave will open into the sunshine and time will move forward with or without you. The moment will come when you will realize that rejoining the race brings with it the love that was there all along. You in your protective time out can come back whenever you want and reconnect. So it is a perfect time for me to allow a holiday to be important again. I am very happy that Fathers Day 2010 was my coming out party and that I can throw away the word momdad and proudly accept dad in its place. Now, where are my presents?


REMEMBER

REMEMBER WHEN WALKING MEANT YOU HAD TO MOVE
REMEMBER WHEN THE LIGHT WENT OUT OF YOUR EYES
REMEMBER WHEN SINKING INTO THE FOG WAS YOUR BEST OF DAYS
REMEMBER WHEN TEARS WERE YOUR BEST FRIEND
AND YELLING AT GOD WAS THE ALTERNATIVE TO BLAMING YOURSELF FOR EVERYTHING
REMEMBER THE SUN DIDN'T SHINE ANYMORE
AND THE SOUND OF RAIN DULLED YOUR SENSES

LOOKING BACK IS EASY
WHEN YOU ARE FACING FORWARD
SENSING THAT BEING ONE AGAIN WITH YOURSELF
FINDING LOVE AT THE MOST OPPORTUNE TIME
RELEASING YOURSELF TO THE FATE
THAT HAPPINESS CAN AND WILL BE OBTAINED

WHAT THEN IS TO BE DRAWN
FROM THE BEFORE AND AFTER

WAS IT NECESSARY
WAS IT A LESSON
DID YOU INVITE IT IN
OR DID YOU JUST LIVE

ANSWERS ARE A DIME A DOZEN
RESPONSE IS WHAT MATTERS
THINK
FIND
FEEL
BE OPEN
SENSE THE PURPOSE OF ALL LIFE
RE-MEMBER YOURSELF

THE JOURNEY: A rock chip in the windshield can just stay there forever and not cause any other damage. Or it can spread out in all directions, destroying the vision of the driver. I am looking at a rock chip in my truck and there is this huge line that is slowly forming in the glass. It reminds me of my life since Barb died. The rock chip was the brilliant way that she died. It exploded on impact and sent fine lines around its circumference. Very quick and powerful with surprising sound. At first glance we didn't see the hole that it left. But on second evaluation we discovered that it was worse than we thought. Eventually, a serious crack formed in the glass in two directions. Some of us followed its southerly route until it ended at a edge and we could sigh with relief. Others of us followed the northerly route that has no end in sight and we just aimlessly zig zag back and forth hoping we don't go crazy watching it unfold. Glass repair can be done to some chips but it is really still there. Or you can replace the entire windshield and start over like it never happened. Well really, you will always know that it was broken, it is just that it will all be cleaned up. I don't know if I'm going to get my chip fixed. After all, it reminds me of things that I may not necessarily want to forget.


SO MUCH TIME

I SPENT SO MUCH TIME WITH YOU
AND NOW IT IS JUST CHANGING
YOU'RE IN MY THOUGHTS
YOU'RE IN MY LIGHT
YOU'RE IN MY EVERY SECOND

LETTING GO AND PROGRESSING IS NOT WHAT
I THOUGHT I WOULD EVER DO

WITHOUT YOU I KNEW I COULDN'T MAKE IT
I COULDN'T FUNCTION
I WOULDN'T BE

BUT, REALIZATION OF OUR LIFE PROCEEDING
HAS TAKEN OVER

ALLOWING ME TO CARRY YOU
AND COMMUNICATE

KNOWING LIFE IS MORE THAN THE PAST
BUT ALSO THE FUTURE

YOU AND I WILL NEVER REALLY BE APART
FOREVER BONDED, FOREVER SMART
TO THE UNIVERSAL STORY OF CONTINUING ON THE ROAD
TO THE CHANGING STORY

THE JOURNEY: The sun hit my face for the first time in I can't remember when. It brought tears to my eyes not because Barb is gone, but I got to stay here. It's not tears of sadness but tears of joy. Oh my gosh, I would say that is what is called a break through. Either that or the sun has killed some brain cells. Either way I'm happy. And that seems to be the critical statement. Yes, loosing anyone sets you on the path of going through stages that only you can determine. But the promise that you will get through them and come out of the tunnel into the sunlight is somewhere in the back of your mind. Most people come through OK in time and the promise of being happy is so alluring that it can't help but generate an interest in moving forward. But the reality of being in the midst of that pain story leaves most of us wondering whether the established world really has any clue as to what they are talking about. Being happy. Really? But I'm here to tell you that glimpses will come at the oddest moments. The ebb and flow of your own incredible journey will take you to the edge of happiness sometimes and tease your senses. Just know that we all have the right to be happy and if that doesn't work go outside and have the sun shine on your face. Remember what the sun and happiness feel like and incorporate that into your daily mantra of getting there. Oh, it also helps to be listening to Creedence Clearwater Revival. Plus you get some interesting looks when you are singing and dancing down the street. Glimpses lead to remembering which lead to changes in your life form. Bless your journey.


I'M MOVING ON
THE BEST I CAN SEE, LIFE HAS BEEN PATIENTLY WAITING FOR ME
AND I KNOW
THERE'S NO GUARANTEES, BUT I'M NOT ALONE
THERE COMES A TIME IN EVERY ONE'S LIFE
WHEN ALL YOU CAN SEE ARE THE YEARS PASSING BY
AND I HAVE MADE UP MY MIND
THAT THOSE DAYS ARE GONE

-RASCAL FLATTS-

THE JOURNEY: FOR THOSE OF US THAT HAVE LOST A SPOUSE FOR ANY REASON, LIFE USUALLY TAKES ON A WHOLE NEW MEANING. YOU THINK ABOUT MORTALITY WHERE YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE BEFORE. YOU BECOME THOUGHTFUL IN YOUR INTENTIONS ABOUT YOUR BELIEFS, YOUR FAMILY, YOUR FUTURE AND POSSIBLY EVEN OTHER RELATIONSHIPS. AFTER ALL, SPENDING THE REST OF YOUR LIFE ALONE CAN SCARE THE CRAP OUT OF YOU. SO EVEN THOUGH YOU MAY NOT BE LOOKING FOR IT AT LEAST CONSCIOUSLY, A TIME COMES WHERE YOU SUDDENLY FIND YOURSELF OVERWHELMED WITH EMOTIONS THAT YOU HONESTLY THOUGHT COULDN'T EXIST ANYMORE. SO FOR WHATEVER REASON THAT YOU'LL USE AT THE TIME, YOU FALL INTO THE RELATIONSHIP WITH INTENTION AND PASSION. NOTHING ELSE IS AS IMPORTANT AS THIS CONNECTION. YOU EMERGE FROM THE FOG OF GRIEF WITH THE REALIZATION THAT THERE IS LIFE AFTER DEATH IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE. YOU SAY THINGS LIKE "YOU SAVED MY LIFE", AND YOU REALLY MEAN IT. THE DAY COMES WHEN YOUR BURDENS AND UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS BREAK THE BANK SO TO SPEAK. IT CAN BE OVERWHELMING FOR SOMEONE TO NOT ONLY SAVE YOU, BUT TAKE CARE OF YOU. YOU ALLOWED YOUR EMOTIONS TO SMOTHER AND KILL THE ONE THING THAT BROUGHT YOU OUT OF THE FOG. WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO TAKE ON A PROJECT LIKE THIS KNOWINGLY, AND OF COURSE THE END RESULT IS PROBABLY NOT GOING TO BE WHAT YOU WERE PLANNING. AND, SO IT GOES.....THE REST OF THE STORY AS PAUL HARVEY WOULD SAY. A GOOD LESSON TO LEARN IS TO TRY TO SEPARATE YOURSELF FROM THE EMOTIONS OF SOMEONE PAYING ATTENTION TO YOU. THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU REALLY WANT FROM A RELATIONSHIP FROM BOTH SIDES. AND, DON'T PUT YOUR EXPECTATIONS ON THE OTHER PERSON WITHOUT THEIR CONSENT. WHAT I HAVE REALIZED IS THAT WE HAVE SO MUCH LOVE TO SHARE, BUT WE ALSO KNOW THAT TIME IS SHORTER NOW. LOOK AT THE WHOLE PICTURE AND NOT JUST THE DREAM. I WOULD LIKE TO THANK ALL OF THOSE INDIVIDUALS THAT INVESTED SO MUCH OF THEIR ENERGY INTO ALL OF US THAT HAVE LOST SOMEONE. I HOPE THAT WE DIDN'T SCREW YOU UP TOO MUCH AND THAT YOU CAN MOVE ON AS WELL.
AND SO, BECOMING SOMEONE I WASN'T WAS NEVER THE PERSON I THOUGHT I WOULD BECOME. WITHOUT FREAKING EVERYONE OUT BY BECOMING TO PHILOSOPHICAL, I LOOKED AT THE PERSON I AM NOW AND COMPARED IT TO THE PERSON I THOUGHT I WAS BEFORE BARB DIED. I THINK IT HAS BEEN LONG ENOUGH THAT I CAN STEP BACK AS IF I'M VIEWING MYSELF THROUGH SOMEONE ELSE'S EYES. A LOT HAS HAPPENED. I GRIEVED. TRIED TO FUNCTION AT WORK. LOVED AND LOST. FOUND OUT THAT I COULD CONNECT TO A POWER BEYOND MYSELF AND USE IT TO DEVELOP NEW SKILLS. I BECAME HONEST PROBABLY TO A FAULT. I READ A BOOK CALLED "LOVING GRIEF" BY PAUL BENNETT RECENTLY AND ONE THOUGHT HIT HOME FROM IT. WHEN BARB DIED SHE TOOK MY OLD LIFE WITH HER. SO BECOMING SOMEONE NEW WITH A FOCUS ON THE FUTURE IS THE GOAL. CAN IT BE DONE WITHOUT LOOSING YOURSELF COMPLETELY? I THINK SO. BUT WHAT I REALIZE IS I NEED TO ALSO COME TO GRIPS WITH THE IDEA THAT I MIGHT HAVE TO BE STRONGER AND SAY NO TO THINGS THAT APPEAR TO BE TOO EASY. JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE HAS DONE SOMETHING THEIR WHOLE LIFE DOESN'T MEAN THAT THEY NEED TO CONTINUE TO STAY IN THE SAME CYCLE. THIS IS A PERFECT TIME FOR ME TO STEP OUT OF THE MOLD AND FIND ME. SO ME SAYING I HAVE TO BECOME SOMEONE NEW IS EASY TO SAY BUT HARDER TO ACHIEVE. FIRST OF ALL I HAVE TO LEARN TO LOVE MYSELF FIRST AND DEFINE MYSELF INDIVIDUALLY WITHOUT THE COUPLE-NESS THAT WAS SO EASY TO HIDE BEHIND IN THE PAST. I HAVE TO SET THE BOUNDARIES THAT I AM WILLING TO WORK WITHIN GOING FORWARD AND MOST IMPORTANTLY PICTURE WHAT I'M SUPPOSE TO BE LIKE WHEN I BECOME THE NEW ME. MOST PEOPLE MIGHT NOT SEE ANY DIFFERENCE BUT I BELIEVE WHAT WILL CHANGE WILL BE AT THE SPIRIT LEVEL. IT IS REALLY IMPORTANT TO RE-ESTABLISH A FOUNDATION ON WHICH TO BUILD. I NOW KNOW THAT I HAVE BEEN FUNCTIONING WITHOUT A BASE OF MY OWN. I BELIEVE THAT IT IS GRIEF'S JOB TO KNOCK THE UNDER PINNING OUT FROM UNDER YOUR FOUNDATION SO YOU NEVER FEEL STEADY ON YOUR FEET. CONFUSED, SCARED, AND LONELY TAKE OVER. WHEN SOMEONE COMES ALONG AND SHOWS THE WILLINGNESS TO PUT A COUPLE OF NAILS INTO THE FOUNDATION YOU'RE ARE ALL OVER IT. GRAB ON, DON'T LET GO, AND HOPEFULLY KEEP IT TOGETHER. BUT WHAT YOU'RE FORGETTING IS THAT THOSE COUPLE OF NAILS ARE TEMPORARY FIXES AND THE WALLS WILL COME DOWN EASILY. SO MY PERSONAL GOAL IS TO BUILD A NEW FOUNDATION FROM SCRATCH WITH INTELLIGENCE, COMPASSION, LOVE AND RESPECT. THE RESULT WILL HOPEFULLY BE A MUCH STRONGER ME WITH A CAPACITY TO ACHIEVE IMPORTANCE IN THIS LIFE TIME. I WILL LET YOU KNOW HOW THAT GOES.




LIVE

LIVE THE LIFE YOU WANT TO
NOT THE LIFE YOU THINK YOU'RE SUPPOSE TO

FATE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT
YOU DECIDE WHERE YOU FIT INTO THE SCHEME OF THINGS

HOLD ON TO THE REALITY
THAT YOU CAN HAVE THE LIFE YOU WANT
BUT KEEP IN MIND YOU MIGHT NOT NEED IT

BE THANKFUL FOR THE CHANCE YOU HAVE
TO LIVE THE LIFE YOU WANT
AND USE IT WISELY TO GROW
INTO WHAT YOU SHOULD BE





REFLECTIONS OF A FRIENDSHIP-JAN SCHAECHTERLE

THIS IS ABOUT TWO VERY INFLUENTIAL FEMALES IN MY LIFE. MY DAUGHTER OF 3 1/2 WEEKS DIED ON FEBRUARY 3RD 1977. EXACTLY 32 YEARS LATER TO THE DAY, I ATTENDED THE SERVICE OF A LONG TIME FRIEND WHOM I WAS CONNECTED WITH THROUGH THE LOSS OF OUR FIRST BORN CHILDREN. THAT FRIEND WAS BARB RUSSELL. EVEN THOUGH WE ONLY TALKED A COUPLE OF TIMES A YEAR AND WERE LUCKY TO ACTUALLY SEE EACH OTHER ONCE AT THE HOLIDAYS AND MAYBE AT A SUMMER BARBECUE, SHE WAS A LIFELINE FOR ME. I RARELY USED MY LIFELINE IN RECENT YEARS, BUT DID SO MORE FREQUENTLY 20+ YEARS AGO.

WE WERE INTRODUCED BY OUR LAMAZE TEACHER. MY AMANDA HAD DIED DUE TO A MEDICAL MISTAKE UP AT DOERNBECHER HOSPITAL IN PORTLAND A LITTLE OVER A YEAR EARLIER. WHEN WE FIRST MET, HER JOSHUA HAD BEEN DEAD ABOUT SIX MONTHS. HE TOO, HAD DIED AT DOERNBECHER IN A BOTCHED MEDICAL PROCEDURE. SHE CAME TO MY HOUSE. BY THEN, I HAD A SON, JASON, WHO WAS ABOUT 8 MONTHS OLD. WE CONNECTED IMMEDIATELY. WHEN I SPOKE OF THE CRAZY FEELINGS I'D HAD, SHE UNDERSTOOD. WHEN SHE TALKED ABOUT HER FEARS FOR THE FUTURE, I UNDERSTOOD. I THINK WE TALKED FOR ABOUT 3 HOURS. OUR LIFELINES WERE ESTABLISHED.

IN ANOTHER YEAR OR SO, BARB WAS PREGNANT WITH HER SECOND CHILD, MICAH. I FEEL LIKE I WAS HER LIFELINE THROUGH THAT EXPERIENCE ALONG WITH HER PREGNANCY WITH BETTY. THEN THE TABLES TURNED AND SHE WAS SUPPORTING ME THOUGH A DIVORCE AND SHE AND MIKE HELPED ME MOVE OUT OF MY HOUSE INTO AN APARTMENT. MY LIFELINE.....

TIME PASSED. THEY LIVED IN MT. ANGEL, THEN IN ARIZONA, THEN RETURNED TO OREGON. BARB AND I DROVE AROUND UNTIL THEY FOUND THE HOUSE THEY LIVED IN FOR 26 YEARS. SHE ALWAYS CLAIMED THAT I FOUND IT FOR THEM, WHEN INDEED WE DID IT TOGETHER. HER LIFELINE....

NEXT THING YOU KNOW, THEY ARE ADOPTING A BOY FROM KOREA AND HENRY AND I WERE ASKED TO BE HIS GODPARENTS. THIS BROUGHT TEARS TO MY EYES THAT I WAS ASKED TO HOLD SUCH AN HONOR IN DALE'S LIFE. THE ADOPTION PROCESS SEEMED TO TAKE FOREVER BEFORE HE FINALLY CAME HOME. I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME I MET HIM AND HAD SUCH JOY FOR THEIR GROWING FAMILY. HER/MY LIFELINE.....

LATER ON MY SON WAS IN CONTINUAL TROUBLE AND HAD PROBLEMS FOR A LONG TIME DURING HIS TEEN YEARS. SHE WAS THERE TO LISTEN TO ME ALONG THE WAY. SHE NEVER JUDGED BUT ONLY SUPPORTED AND CHECKED IN ON ME. MY LIFELINE......

THROUGH ALL THIS TIME, I WOULD OFTEN GET A CARD/CALL ON AMANDA'S BIRTHDAY AND I WOULD CALL OR SEND A CARD ON JOSHUA'S BIRTHDAY. WE AGREED THAT TIME HELPED TO HEAL THE WOUNDS, BUT THEY WERE STILL THERE. EVEN AFTER 20 YEARS, WE KNEW THAT THE PAIN WAS JUST UNDER THE SURFACE AND THAT WE WOULD LIVE WITH IT ALL THE REST OF OUR LIVES. YOU SEE, SHE UNDERSTOOD...I UNDERSTOOD. HER/MY LIFELINE....

I DIDN'T REALLY KNOW HOW ILL BARB REALLY WAS. SHE DIDN'T LET ON IN OUR CONVERSATIONS AND I ACTUALLY THOUGHT THE DOCTORS HAD FOUND A SOLUTION FOR HER AND THAT SHE WAS DOING BETTER. BOY WAS I WRONG. ON THE THURSDAY BEFORE SHE DIED. I FELT LIKE I HAD PULLED A MUSCLE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF MY CHEST, IN MY STERNUM. CALL IT COINCIDENCE. IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN. IT LASTED UNTIL FRIDAY NIGHT WHEN I GOT THE CALL. THEN IT WAS GONE AS SUDDENLY AS IT HAD COME ON. LIKE I SAID, MAYBE IT WAS A COINCIDENCE...THEN AGAIN, MAYBE IT WAS MY LIFELINE TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING.

WHEN WE WENT TO THE FLORIST TO ORDER FLOWERS FOR THE SERVICE, I DISCOVERED THAT THE MEMORIAL WOULD BE ON THE 3RD OF FEBRUARY...THE SAME DAY AND ALMOST THE EXACT HOUR THAT MY AMANDA HAD PASSED. ANOTHER COINCIDENCE OR WAS IT MY LIFELINE TELLING ME THAT SHE WAS WITH AMANDA NOW...WATCHING OVER HER? MY MIND WAS THINKING MANY THINGS AND MY LOGICAL BRAN WAS SAYING THAT THIS WAS NONSENSE. WHAT FINALLY CINCHED IT WAS WHEN A STUDENT STARTED COMING INTO THE LIBRARY WHERE I WORK(IN A MIDDLE SCHOOL). SHE HADN'T BEEN IN THERE VERY OFTEN, BUT STARTED COMING IN EVERY DAY TO VISIT WITH ME. IN FACT SHE EVEN GOT INTO TROUBLE FOR SKIPPING CLASSES TO HANG OUT IN THE LIBRARY WITH ME. HER NAME WAS AMANDA AND DURING THIS TIME I DISCOVERED THAT HER MIDDLE NAME WAS MARIE. MY AMANDA'S NAME WAS AMANDA MARIE. IN MY HEART, I KNOW THAT BARB, MY LIFELINE, WAS TELLING ME SOMETHING. MY LOGICAL BRAIN TELLS ME THAT THIS IS NOT POSSIBLE, BUT MY HEART TELLS ME OTHERWISE. AMANDA HUNG OUT WITH ME UNTIL THE END OF THE YEAR. THEN SHE MOVED ON TO HIGH SCHOOL. I HAVEN'T SEEN HER SINCE, BUT HER MEMORY LINGERS WITH ME. BARB'S HOWEVER, DOES MORE THAN LINGER. SHE IS SORELY MISSED. I DON'T HAVE THAT PERSON I CAN CALL WHEN I AM FEELING SOMETHING STRANGE RELATED TO AMANDA. BOTH OF THEM ARE IN MY HEART TOGETHER AND I FEEL GOOD THAT THEY ARE TOGETHER, BUT PROFOUNDLY SAD THAT BARB IS NOT HERE TO SEE HER KIDS GROW, MARRY, HAVE CHILDREN AND SHARE ALL OF THAT WITH MIKE. MIKE IS CORRECT. IT IS ALL A JOURNEY AS HE STATES WHEN HE BEGINS HIS BLOG. SOMETIMES YOU HAVE A LIFELINE AND SOMETIMES YOU DON'T.

THANK YOU AMANDA FOR SETTING MY PRIORITIES AND FOR MAKING ME LOVE MORE THAN I EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE. THANK YOU BARB, FOR YOUR YEARS OF SUPPORT AND BEING MY LIFELINE...AND FOR WATCHING OVER MY AMANDA AND YOUR JOSH. LOVE, JAN.

THE JOURNEY: "Be you dust or be you stone, to be what you must just reach out for what you are-Yusef(Cat Stevens)
What is bravery and how would you define it? I recently completed reading my friends journal about the long process of death of her husband Jim. Lynn St Georges wrote about the trials, tribulations and love of her husband during his illness and ultimate death. It is full of poignant memories that bring out all the human traits of care giving. So much truth is hard to read sometimes but care giving is such an all consuming environment to be in that it takes a special person to enter that world. What I envisioned by reading this heartfelt journal was a very brave individual who took on a role that no one should have to endure. Out of love for the dying we sometimes go beyond what would normally be our comfort level and achieve what can only be considered to be super human. I'm pretty sure that Lynn would not consider herself to be brave. But being the one looking in from the outside, her story as well as may others in the same position have to be considered the ultimate act of bravery. You take on a role that can be so painful and demeaning that it is like a gunfight in the old west. Both parties are brave and most of those watching would not do it. My sister in law Judy took the same role on in taking care of my brother during his illness. Until this very moment, I don't think I adequately thanked Judy for all the care and love she showed my brother during his death journey. The rest of us that have not gone through the care giver story can't possibly begin to understand that day to day existence. We only look from the outside and don't know or don't want to know what is really going on. So for all the care givers of the world, you rock.


YOUR TRIED TO TELL ME

YOU TRIED TO TELL ME
I WOULDN'T LISTEN
YOUR PAIN MIXED WITH YOUR DIEING SPIRIT

YOU TRIED TO TELL ME
I WOULDN'T HEAR
YOU THOUGHT WE WOULD BE BETTER WITHOUT YOU

YOU TRIED TO TELL ME
I WOULDN'T SEE
YOUR BODY DECREASING IN ENERGY SHOWING IN THE PHOTOS

TELL ME NOW, I WILL LISTEN
TELL ME NOW, I WILL HEAR
TELL ME NOW, I WILL SEE

IT'S NEVER TOO LATE
TO SAY YOU'RE SORRY
IT'S NEVER TO LATE TO CARE


In a recent posting I invited folks to write about the special person in their life. I would post it in a separate section on this blog and send it out into the ether. This would be symbolic of their story never ending and a way to share them with the rest of the universe. The following is the first of those stories.

JIM TIFFINS STORY-Saturday, April 4, 2009

I want those who aren't family or close friends to know a little more about Jim so you can know the man as he was before this time.
Besides being my husband, Jim also is Amber's father and the youngest of four children with three older sisters. Before becoming too sick to work 4 years ago this month, Jim was a machinist his entire career(since 18 years old, learning under his father). Jim was very good at what he did and had an amazing work ethic. His work ethic was one of the things that drew me to him, though it did get in the way some times;e.g.,when were preparing to go on vacation, I'd always ask him to try to be home on time or even a little early to help me and he always was 2 hours late. "I had to tie up loose ends," he'd say, and I'd remind him he punched a clock and nobody else would do that and he said it just wasn't his way.
Jim and I met June 7, 1979, a date that we disputed over until I googled the day of the week that we met and I was right. I was working late at a jewelry shop, which was owned by some of his friends. He stopped by with Amber on his hip, this 22-month old, and I mentioned the group working late was meeting at my house after work and to join us. He said he'd take Amber home and then stop by.
Jim came by my house and around midnight was the last person there. We were listening to music when he asked "do you have any Joni Mitchell?" and my heart was his and that's where he stayed. We've been inseparable ever since. When I mention our meeting story to him he always smiles and says the Joni Mitchell line worked every time, but I'm pretty sure he's only teasing me and though he's never said for certain, I like to believe he only said those words to me.
Jim and I have had a good life together. We have traveled,and we partook in the American Dream. It wasn't his body that caused him to first file for disability, but his mind...the decline in cognition had begun 4 years ago and working became too hard for him.
Jim is a kind, sensitive soft-spoken man. He is a quiet man who is modest and reserved. He can be quick to anger but forgives and forgets easily. He is gentle with animals and children and smiles so sweetly at little girls. We have had a good life these last nearly 30 years, with all the highs and lows that go with a long-term relationship...days we wanted to kill each other and days we quite literally hurt from how much we loved each other.-Lynn St Georges_

JIM TIFFIN DIED SEPTEMBER 2, 2009

THE JOURNEY: Mid life....sounds so stuffy and permanent. You hear a lot about it but what is it really? To a twenty year old mid life is probably thirty. Really, think back to when you were twenty. Yea, your thinking it. I always thought that mid life was half way to the rocking chair on the porch that Barb and I were going to share in retirement. Perspective changes quickly. So now what? Do I have a crises? And what is a crises anyway? Is it where you push important people in your life away from you by becoming so complex that the baggage you are carrying to the terminal would weigh down three porters let alone one? Is it a crises when you picture yourself on a Harley going across country after you've sold everything off just to write a book about people you meet along the way? Is it a crises when you suddenly shave the beard off that has been attached to your face since the Nixon years? I think crises makes it sound like your in jeopardy of loosing your mind instead of taking control of it. Sometimes what may appear to be a rash change to some really is just the taking back of control in ones life and nothing else. It takes a leap of faith to get to the top of the mountain. I can tell you that a death in your life can profoundly shake up the world as you know it. Also I can tell you that shaving your beard off can get a conversation going with the people around you, especially the youngest daughter who has never seen your chin before. Remember what I said about mid life to a young person. I rest my case.


PURPOSE


MY INTENDED PURPOSE IN LIFE
WAS TO GROW OLD GRACEFULLY
WITH THE ONE I LOVE

FATE HAD ANOTHER PLAN
TO CHANGE THAT OUTCOME
FROM DESTINY TO CONFUSION

OTHER PLANS EMERGED
CREATING HOPE THAT WAS LOST
AND GOALS THAT ARE SHARED

A SINGLE MOMENT IN TIME
CHANGED THE LIVES FOREVER
TO BE BIGGER AND MORE BEAUTIFUL
THEN THE ORIGINAL PLAN EVER INTENDED

THE JOURNEY: What has the world come to. Watching "GLEE" and looking outside and seeing it pour. Man, what a lonely world it can be sometimes. I have to laugh at myself occasionally because without that it would be pretty pitiful. The thought of loneliness creates a picture in my mind that I really don't get. Growing up in Arizona I considered myself to be a loner with a few friends. Somehow that was OK with me. I knew that I was self reliant and everything in my life depended on me. My brother was older and we really didn't have anything in common. I did the traditional baseball, swimming, and getting blown out of the water by the female of the species. I worked from the time I can remember, so being busy was my way of never being lonely. I met my future wife when I was 20 and I can honestly say that loneliness was never in my vocabulary. While raising six kids, loneliness somehow gets converted into exhaustion. And then before I knew it, most of my kids were grown up and my wife was going down the slippery slope of illness. Loneliness started creeping in at that time but I don't think you are allowed that feeling because you're too involved in the day to day duties taking care of the love of your life. So then you go through the hardest thing you have ever faced. You start moving away from it over time and as you do that you realize that most of the time your kids have their own lives. Although you know your kids love you, you finally come to the conclusion that their energy rightly so revolves around other things instead of you. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, just growing up I guess. Maturity is a bummer. Anyway, as I sit here with the dog staring at me wondering what I'm crying about, I reflect on this empty house with all its history and express with the deepest sincerity.....Happy Mothers Day.


DOES IT MATTER

WHEN YOUR BEST FRIEND DIES
WHEN THE SUNSET IS BLUE
WHEN THE CROW FLYS BY
DOES IT REALLY MATTER

WHEN THE WALK IS FAST
AND THE PAIN IS SLOW
WHEN YOU REACH FOR HELP
WHY SHOULD IT MATTER

WHEN YOU TOUCH SOMEONES FACE WITH A SMILE
AND REQUEST TO STAY CONNECTED WITH YOUR WORDS
AND REALIZED THAT IT ONLY MATTERS TO YOU

SPEND A LITTLE TIME ON WHAT MATTERS THE MOST
SPECIALIZE IN THE MATTER OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE
THE MATTER OF YOU

THE JOURNEY: One one of my long sanity walks I suddenly had this image of a painter at the easel with a jar nearby full of different brushes of all sizes. The reason this is important is that immediately proceeding that image I was thinking about my family. Each member of the family represents a different brush. You know...some are long, some are small, some draw delicate lines and some are big and sweeping in what they leave behind. You can add color to a brush and get a totally different picture depending on which one you use. One son is a scientist who has to juggle a lot of things but be very precise at the same time. Although he might be a bunch of different brushes underlying ever thing is a very accurate one that gives sharp definition. One daughter who is a social worker is a typical long brush which has to paint the most complete picture quickly and with less detail. She has to size things up fast in her job as well as the family because of taking over the oldest female role. I have a middle son who is the film documentarian and probably has to be multiple brushes at the same time. This creates the most dramatic and colorful picture quickly before moving on to the next canvas. A totally complete picture always comes together in the end even though the colors seem scattered at times. Another son is the broadest possible brush that is really good at painting the clouds. His brush never completes the picture but is beautiful in color. The next son paints with one brush only, and with determination for his subject. He will paint off the canvas at times but will always return. The youngest daughter paints with the tightest wound brush you can buy. Driven to fill in the lines with her picture with no room for error. Barb painted with all the brushes available to create a completed family picture. I paint with a wide brush to create the frame for the future. An artist interprets what he sees, mixes the colors and shows respect to his subject by putting those brush strokes on a blank canvas. Even when we have lost someone, the picture was already created and lives forever in the mind of the viewers. Honoring those that are gone with as beautiful a picture as possible made from all those brush strokes is an incredible legacy to their lives.


THE PUZZLE OF LIFE

YOU START OUT AS A THOUGHT
PUT TOGETHER WITH LOVE

YOU GROW INTO A VESSEL
PUT TOGETHER WITH LOVE

ALONG THE WAY PIECES COME AND GO
CREATING A THINKER
PUT TOGETHER WITH LOVE

EVEN THOUGH DEATH IS AN ILLUSION
YOU MARCH TOWARDS THAT END
NEVER REALIZING YOU WERE PUT TOGETHER WITH LOVE

SO THE DAY COMES WHEN THE PIECES FALL APART
AND YOU REALLY FIND OUT
THAT YOU WERE PUT TOGETHER WITH LOVE

THE JOURNEY: Feelings.....how are you suppose to feel. The more time that goes by I notice that most people either expect you to move on or they totally ignore the elephant in the room. Before anyone gets concerned about whether I'm OK or not I'll answer that right now. Yes, I feel great. I write about things as they hit me, so I just have to go with it. So back to the subject. Moving on is an option if we are willing to let go of the past and focus on the future. Speaking from experience you can move on and not forget. I think what happens is that we put our "everything is OK mask" on and what people see is that we have moved on. And to be honest my guess is that is exactly what they want. But really it shouldn't be about what they want but do you feel comfortable within yourself to take the step you need to take. As far as the elephant, it is interesting that even though a lot of people know about the death, it is usually easier for them to focus on you. I don't think it is anything but a protective mechanism all around. So I think it is up to us to remember in an appropriate way whatever that means. I was driving to the coast for business on Highway 30 in Oregon and I noticed a large number of memorial markers along the road. I couldn't help but think about all these people that had lost their lives. The marker doesn't tell their individual story, and is not going to be there forever. At some point it will disappear and the future won't know about that person. When I write these blogs I press a button and it goes out into the ether continuing on forever in theory. It is like looking at a star that has already exploded in the past, but you are still seeing the light reach your eyes prior to the explosion. OK, this is pretty heavy but fascinating. So here is what I would like to propose. If you feel comfortable, send me a short story of your loved one. I will create a separate section in each weeks blog and post your story along with my normal writings. Here is the amazing thing about what will happen when I hit the send button. Long after all of us are gone, your story will still be traveling thought space and in my mind someone in the distant future will be able to tap into that energy and read about your loved one. Oh my gosh. It seems like such a simple yet profound way to remember them forever. You helped yourself move on big time and you don't have to worry about the elephant any more. I know for me personally the thought of Barb traveling through space forever is not only entertaining but breath taking. I look forward to hearing about your special person and being able to share them with the universe.

TALK TO THE WIND

TALK TO THE WIND
RIDE THE WAVE
SEE WHERE IT GOES
AND WHO IT WILL TOUCH NEXT

IT ALWAYS ANSWERS
THROUGH ITS GENTLE PUSHING AND PULLING
OF NATURES GIFT TO MANKIND
FEEL IT AGAINST YOUR SKIN
BE ONE WITH ITS FLOW

SURPRISE YOURSELF
OPEN YOUR HEART
BE WITH THE FRIEND THAT HAS ALWAYS BEEN THERE
AND NEVER EXPECTED ANYTHING IN RETURN

ALLOW THE WIND TO TAKE YOUR THOUGHTS
TO OTHER PEOPLE AND PLACES
MAYBE THEY WILL LISTEN
AND RETURN THE THOUGHT SOMEDAY