THE JOURNEY: Have you ever prayed, wondered, meditated, wished, hoped or just said something out loud and it was answered before you finished saying it. I'm always testing Barb and those that have gone on to show me a sign that I'm on the right path. Being a visual type of person, I just like to see these signs. Being a smart aleck sometimes, and with my sense of humor, it is no big deal for me to challenge the spirit world. I was in need for a sign and found a beautiful clear agate on the beach. I know they aren't common because I have spent so much time on the beach. So......being that I have an affinity for the number nine, I challenged Barb and anyone else listening to show me nine of these rocks on the way back to my car. I have a lot of faith that I would end up with exactly nine but since there are no rules when it comes to spirit, I just thought it would be fun to see how it played out. Well, you can guess what happened. Nine clear agates, faith validated, challenge accepted and brought home. You would think that I would learn that challenges are not necessary and that love crosses all boundaries. Perception is everything when it comes to miracles and they invented the sense of humor otherwise they wouldn't put up with me. I know that I will keep asking and looking and when it is my turn to go, we will have quite a conversation and laugh about how I kept trying to challenge them. We are all looking for a connection that gives feedback through validation. I believe that attempting to communicate with love, respect and intention is a form of leading with your heart and keeping an open mind to the possibilities within the human potential. Without the belief of this potential hope, and wonder of things we don't know anything about, we are only left with the cold proof of science. I find that unacceptable and boring at the same time.




YOU ARE WITH ME


HOW DO I KNOW YOU ARE WITH ME
ARE YOU HOLDING MY HAND
ARE YOU PUTTING YOUR ARM AROUND ME
ARE YOU WHISPERING IN MY EAR

I SEE YOUR FACE IN THE STARS
THE BRILLIANCE OF YOUR SOUL
SHINES BRIGHT

I HEAR YOUR VOICE IN THE BREEZE
A WELCOMING BREATH AGAINST MY EAR

I FEEL YOUR PRESENCE IN THE WILD
SURROUNDED BY THE LOVE
OF NATURES COMMITMENT

YOU ARE EVERYWHERE AND NOWHERE
ON THE OUTSIDE AND IN BETWEEN
COMPLETELY AND FOREVER
ALWAYS THERE TO ANSWER

THE JOURNEY: Why should I give a second thought to the place that was such a nemesis to me for at least six months after Barb died. That was the street corner that I would target which was approximately two miles from my house. At the time this street corner was the half way point on my self inflicted route to recovery. I can't stress how hard it was for me to get to that one spot on this big blue planet. It meant everything to me. All my life I have set goals for myself that were not only hard but could be realistically achieved and produce rewards at the same time. This particular goal of reaching the half way point of a walk was I have to admit now probably the hardest goal I had ever set for myself. Not only did it require and extraordinary amount of will power which I have to tell you I didn't think I had, but I had to overcome the negative self talk of it being worthwhile. I believe in setting goals and especially after the loss of someone in your life. You will fight it but ultimately it is what will bring you through the maze of lack of clarity and into the finding of who you really are. So now as I walk by this former goal I bow to its generosity in helping me on my path to a future that is goal oriented once again. I can look back with fondness and quite a bit of pain knowing that the street corner did its part in my story.





STREET CORNER SOBRIETY


REACHING A PLACE
THAT IN DAYS PAST REQUIRED SUCH STRENGTH
IS SOBERING IN ITS IMPACT

REALIZING THAT YOU CAN COME SO FAR
AND FIGHT OFF THE DEMONS THAT INFLATE THEIR VALUE
CONQUERING THE NEED TO SHRINK

OPENS UP THE POSSIBILITIES
TO BEGIN LIFE ANEW
WITH THE CONVICTION OF THE FUTURE
STRAPPED TO YOUR BACK

THE JOURNEY: THINGS I DON'T DO ANYMORE:


1. Walk slowly in a stooped position. It is more painful to walk that way.
2. Leave the dishes for the kids to do. We all know who is going to do them anyway.
3. Pay attention to any political campaign as important. Things don't really
change do they? And if you think they do, then run for something and find out.
4. Think the world should have stopped turning when Barb died. It didn't and it
wouldn't have been fair to the rest of you.
5. Hope the other guy will do the right thing. They might not but if I do, then
that is all that matters.
6. Wonder if I should tell someone what I really think. Time is too short. If it is
important enough, who knows, you might save a life.
7. Think that I'm not being listened too. Trust me. You are being listened to. The
real question is are you interpreting the feedback you are getting back.
8. Rake up all the leaves after they fall. Blowing leaves to the side of the yard
while rationalizing it as mulch is the ultimate protest to do the same thing the
same way for so many years.
9. Think that love will never find me again. There are so many forms of love that
you never knew existed. Be open to the different delivery methods and just know
that love will find you and it will be perfect for you.
10. Think that writing silly fluffy deeply felt views is something you would never
catch me doing.



HAPPINESS



HAPPINESS IS A STATE OF GRACE
FLEETING FOR SOME
CONTROLLED BY OTHERS

NEVER BE SATISFIED
TO ACCEPT ANYTHING LESS
THAN THE DESIRED OUTCOME

REACH INSIDE AND PULL IT FROM THE DEPTHS
EXPECT IT FOR YOURSELF
RETREATING ONLY WHEN YOUR SPIRIT
REQUIRES IT

MAGIC HAPPENS WHEN YOU DECIDE
THAT HAPPINESS IS A RIGHT
OF BEING HUMAN
AND FACE ITS CONSEQUENCES HEAD ON

THE JOURNEY: I think being alone and being lonely are two different things. Being alone finds me watching TV at weird hours thinking that it is normal for a single person to think about such things as family pictures on the wall. Wondering what happened to the little kids that were in those pictures and thinking out loud that they all made it. Being alone making a meal requires little effort, because I just choose between the avocado or the peanut butter. Neither one is necessarily a great choice, but who is going to complain. I would blame my wife for being alone but how is that going to help. She would just tell me to get over it and do something constructive. But you know, there are just some times in your life that being melancholy is a right of passage. Being in this space allows me to write with more insight about myself and to walk long distance without paying attention to anything going on around me. That includes the curb I didn't see and where the heck did that beautiful sunset come from? You know what? Wrong thinking enters our psyche because we allow it to. I'm making the whole story up anyway. If I'm alone and feeling bad about it, I can just as easily not be alone with myself and enjoy the experience. So instead of blaming Barb for me being alone, I think I will enjoy the sunset until it is gone and choose peanut butter because I can. Bon appetite.




THE TRIP


WHEN A FLOWER MAKES YOU CRY
AND A SONG BREAKS YOUR HEART
REGROUP YOUR THOUGHTS
TAKE STOCK OF HOW FAR YOU'VE TRAVELED

NO TRIP IS PERFECT
IT ALWAYS HAS IT'S UPS AND DOWNS
REMINDING YOU
THAT YOU'RE NEVER FAR FROM THE BEND IN THE ROAD

STAYING ON THE ROAD
IS AS IMPORTANT AS YOU MAKE IT
GOING FASTER
WON'T MAKE IT SAFER

SLOW DOWN
ENJOY THE TRIP
WHAT COMES TOMORROW
MAY MAKE ALL THE DIFFERENCE.

THE JOURNEY: So now I'm the voice of reason. That is not something I would have expected to hear from my son, but I will accept it with humility and explain it to you. So, my middle son is riding a bike across the southwest to raise awareness for water aid around the world. I get a text from him and his cycling partner and it says they are in trouble in the scorching heat, with twenty five mph head winds and being harassed by a local drunk where they are recuperating under a tree. So as a parent, what would you think if you got that text. Right, I call to confirm their imminent death. Turns out they are alive....and just exhausted both physically and mentally. I ask where they are and discover that it is in an area that Barb and I took him to as a baby to visit her now diseased aunt. Some how that one realization for him changes the whole picture. He can now sense being there in the secure arms of his mother and the environment suddenly becomes less menacing. Isn't that true for all of us in how we view life. Our perceptions about where we are and how we choose to see it, is indeed everything. I like being the voice of reason even though I just thought I was being the father figure that a year ago was lost in the fog.


WORDS


WORDS REQUIRE SO LITTLE EFFORT
TO SAY
TO FEEL
AND TO MEAN

IT IS THE MEANING
BEHIND THEM
THAT TAKE THE EFFORT
OF INTERPRETATION

WHAT YOU SAY
MIGHT NOT BE WHAT YOU MEAN
WHAT YOU HEAR
MIGHT NOT BE WHAT WAS INTENDED

SO CLARIFY THE MEANING
SAY WHAT YOU FEEL
HEAR THE REAL INTENT
BE GENUINE IN THE GIVING AND TAKING
AND DON'T GET LOST IN THE CONFUSION