THE JOURNEY: We have been going to Manzanita Beach for a long time as a family and a couple. So it seemed appropriate that for Thanksgiving we should go to the place that means so much to us. I was in complete control of my emotions, blocking out the fact that this was the first Thanksgiving without Barb. I had my armour on and was well protected until one of my sons asked, "how are you doing dad"? IT IS AMAZING, how fast cracks can appear in your armour. Dang, you think you are in control and life lets you know you aren't. Lets just say that the rest of the day was spent trying to grey tape the armour together. You gotta love grey tape. Mercifully the day ended with a hope that the next day would be brighter. It was.

WHERE ARE YOU

WHAT IS THE ANSWER TO MY QUESTION, "WHERE ARE YOU"
YOU'RE IN THE GENTLE BREEZE BRUSHING MY CHEEK
YOU'RE IN THE FLOCK PLAYING WITH THE BIRDS
YOU'RE IN THE AIR FLOATING WITH THE SEED
YOU'RE IN MY MIND PLAYING WITH ME

YOU BEGIN TO ARRIVE THE DAY YOU DIED
TO REMIND ME THAT LIFE HAS MEANING AND WE'RE NEVER APART
I'VE BEEN WAITING TO CONTINUE THE CONVERSATION
NOW REALIZING THAT WE'VE BEEN DOING IT ALL ALONG

SO I'M GOING TO STOP ASKING "WHERE ARE YOU"
INSTEAD I'M GOING TO FEEL YOU IN EVERYTHING I DO
GENTLE PEACE
QUIET CONTEMPLATION
ANGER AND DEVOTION

IT DOESN'T MATTER
BECAUSE I KNOW YOU'RE HERE
FOREVER CONNECTED
REALIZING THE FEAR

THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME THAT YOUR PRESENCE BEGINS
AND ENDS WITH THE THOUGHT
THAT I DON'T HAVE TO ASK, "WHERE YOU ARE"

THE JOURNEY: I definitely can't talk for everyone else that has lost someone, but for myself, holidays have been extraordinarily hard this year. The two big ones are coming up and of course they are the ones that Barb most treasured. I just realized yesterday that I have done nothing. I have not collected gifts for the past two months and hidden them in the closet. I have not gone to the Dollar store and bought out the candy section. I have not put any thought into what to get special friends and family members. And something I have personally done for 25 years was to decorate the outside of the house with lights and moving animals has not really crossed my mind. Now that I am thinking about it my question is what the heck is going on? I believe in my heart I have been doing my own version of a peaceful protest. Yea, I know.....flashback. Without getting too analytical on myself, I think that it is one of the few ways that I can still protest what has happened. A really close friend reminded me that traditions are not just mine but are a shared experience. The lesson here for those of us on this ship is to not forget the important things we have done in the past. Get involved, get input, make changes if you want to but don't let your protest change what is important to remember. It may hurt, but instead of protesting,think of the traditions of your life as a gift.

QUIET PEACE

FLOATING THROUGH TIME
WAITING FOR SOMETHING TO HAPPEN
THE LONGER YOU GET AWAY
DEATH STOPS TAKING SUCH A FIRM GRIP

REFLECTING ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL NOW
SEEMS SO HARD TO PLACE INTO PERSPECTIVE
BUT SO MUCH HAS OCCURRED
SINCE YOUR FORMER REALITY

THE ONLY RELIANCE
IS TO TAKE STOCK ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL
AND LET LOVE GUIDE YOU
TO A PLACE THAT WAS SO HARD TO GET TOO

WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE?
WHERE ARE YOU?
I HAVE COME TO A PLACE THAT EVERYONE SEEKS
THE PLACE OF QUIET PEACE

MY JOURNEY: I wanted to return to what walking means to me. If I was going to give any advice to anyone after the loss of a loved one, it would be to walk. Take the first step whether you feel like it or not. Here is what I see happening if you don't.
Imagine a tree being planted. It takes root slowly and grows. Things happen around it, but it never goes anywhere. Pretty soon it looses its leaves and although it may come back, it may also wither from lack of attention. Don't be a tree. Take the step that could save your spirit.

WALKING BACKWARDS

WALKING BACKWARDS IN YOUR FOOTSTEPS
SEEING THE DEPRESSION OF THE SOUL
FINDING HELP WITHIN ITS CANYONS
REQUIRES VERY LITTLE BUT LETTING GO

FOLLOW THE STEPS BACKWARDS IN TIME
TAKES YOU TO PLACES YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN
WHO OR WHAT CAME BY BEFORE YOU
IS ONLY FOUND IN YOUR IMAGINATION

FINDING HOPE IN THE FOOTSTEPS COMMITTED
IS THE ART OF LETTING GO
AND OPENING YOUR HEART
TO HAVE THE THE FFELINGS THAT YOUR DIDN'T
THINK YOU HAD ANYMORE

SO WALKING BACKWARDS IN YOUR FOOTSTEPS
ALLOWS ME TO GO WITH YOU ON YOUR JOURNEY
IF ONLY FOR A MOMENTARY FLIGHT OF FANTASY

THE JOURNEY: Sometimes on this trip we're on you need to stop and take stock in the direction you're going and see if everyone is in the vehicle. You don't want to leave someone at the gas station but if you do it would be a good thing to turn around and go pick them up.
Ok, I know what you are thinking. What the heck does this little story have to do with anything.
What I have found on this journey, is that I have spent so much time trying to save myself, that I might have not been doing a good enough job keeping everyone in the car. When you loose someone a really good lesson to learn is to keep checking in to see if everyone is moving in the same direction and whether help might be needed. The ultimate goal should be for all persons involved to reach the destination at the same time, without too much damage. Lesson learned.

SECOND GUESSES

SECOND GUESSES ARE LIKE PUTTY
SLIPPERY AND SHINY ON THE OUTSIDE
SOFT AND FLOWING ON THE INSIDE

SECOND GUESSES ARE LIKE RAIN ON A SUNNY DAY
SPARKLING WITH SUNS RAYS
BUT WET AND COLD JUST THE SAME

SECOND GUESSES CAN BE PLANTED
WATERED
RAISED TO MATURE
NEVER REALLY HELPING RESOLVE

BE AWARE OF SECOND GUESSES
ACKNOWLEDGE THEM
BOW TO THEM
BUT TREAT THEM AS THEY SHOULD BE
PART OF THE ROAD TO RECOVERY

THE JOURNEY: Guys aren't suppose to cry. At least that is what I and a lot of other guys grew up on in the fifties. Macho, feelings held closely to the vest, and if you are going to cry, do it in the privacy of your own home. Here is my opinion on that. BALONEY. Without loosing the manhood trap, keeping the feelings bottled up is just darn destructive and such a waste. Allowing yourself the honor of grieving and releasing the emotions puts you in control of moving forward.

STOP SIGN TEARS

PULLING UP SLOWLY
LOST IN THOUGHTS OF THE PAST
NEVER KNOWING WHEN IT WILL HIT YOU
TEARS GLIDE DOWN WITH SUPRIZE

THOUGHTS THAT YOU ARE BEYOND IT
FLASH OUT BRINGING YOU BACK INTO THE DREAM
WHAT IS DIFFERENT WITH THIS MOMENT AND WHY NOW

REALIZING THAT YOU CAN'T CONTROL
THE FEELINGS HIDDEN IN THE CREASES OF YOUR IDENTITY
ALLOW YOURSELF THE FREEDOM TO BE WHO YOU NEED TO BE

GO WITHIN AND KNOW THAT IT IS GOOD TO REMEMBER
NEVER FORGET , NEVER REGRET
GROWTH AS A HUMAN ALLOWS YOU TO TAKE THE FEELINGS WITH YOU

ALSO, YOU MIGHT WANT TO STEP ON THE GAS
AND LEAVE THE STOP SIGN BEHIND YOU
IT WILL BE THERE FOR ANOTHER DAY