THE JOURNEY: I would like to take time to thank Margie Boule for writing the recent column on this journey I am on. Also, I would like to thank each of you for reading the blog and passing it on to folks that need it. I have heard from some very nice and gentle people on similar trips of their own. It is an honor for me to be included in their circle of friendship.
I thought that I was going t0 be a train wreck this week as Barb died 1/29/09. I fully expected to be sucked back into the fog as I call it. Although I can remember with great detail the whole last week of her life here, I was a little surprised that the anniversary of her death turned out to be just another day for me. I did of course think a lot about that day a year ago, but I wasn't reacting the way that I thought society expected me too. I started thinking about that to try to Dr Freud myself. What I believe I discovered was this. Oh, I am going to be very transparent here. My son told me that I have become very transparent since Barbs death. I think that was a complement? I took it to mean that I am open, honest, and as we used to say, I tell it like it is. I communicate with Barb everyday. I discuss the highs and lows and the happy and sad. I ask for guidance, direction and peace. I think that because I have allowed myself that daily venting, it has helped make time less important. After all if you listen to some folks we humans have made the whole time thing up anyway. So my theory is that because of this ongoing communication, when it came up to the dreaded one year anniversary, subconsciously I knew that it was just another day. Time was my problem, not hers. I guess what I learned was that time is a structure that we don't have to subscribe too. Allowing yourself the honor and pleasure of communicating as you see fit breaks down the walls that restrict us and allow us the freedom to not be caught up in the time dilemma.

LEAVING

HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO FEEL
YOU LEFT ME A YEAR AGO
ITS SEEMS SO SUDDEN
SO SELFISH
SO PERMANENT

IS IT LIKE THE MOTHER BIRD
THAT PUSHES THE BABY
OUT OF THE NEST AND SAYS FLY

IS IT THE KNOWING THAT YOU ARE SURROUNDED
BY THE ONES THAT HAVE LEFT BEFORE YOU
AND YOU WON'T HAVE THE ANSWER TO WHY

HOW TO PROCEED
HOW TO COPE
HOW TO RESPOND
HOW TO TRY

UNANSWERED QUESTIONS
CREATE THE FEELINGS
THAT BRING YOU INTO REALITY
AND GET YOU BY

THE JOURNEY: Hope is like the ripples caused by a pebble being dropped into a pond. It starts at the center and spreads out until it can't go any further. It wants to move out and gather speed creating an energy that is self sustaining. It doesn't always work out the way you want, but without it the light can go out. A lot has happened in the last year. Death, new jobs, new friends and experiences. I have hope for the future and all that it can bring. That compared to when I first started writing is a miracle in itself. Hope spreads like wildfire and can be contagious. Henry Fords words come to mind. "If you think you can or you think you can't, you're right" My suggestion is to think you can and spread hope to everyone you know. No matter what transpires in your life, never give up hope, because without it you will never know what could have been.

HOPE

HOPE CONTINUES TO EXERT ITS INFLUENCE
BRINGING COMFORT TO THE LOST
AND PEACE TO THE MIND

IT ALLOWS YOU TO TRAVEL FURTHER
THAN YOU THOUGHT
YOU COULD GO

HOLDING ONTO IT
DOESN'T ALWAYS GIVE YOU THE ANSWER
BUT IT SEES YOU THROUGH THE TOUGH TIMES
AND REQUIRES NOTHING IN RETURN

THE JOURNEY: Sometimes you need to step away from yourself and look at the bigger picture. Since starting this blog it has been about my journey and the relationship to my family as well as all the emotions that have gone into recovery. What happened this week in Haiti puts life and death onto a whole different playing field. There are no words to describe the feelings and emotions that the folks of Haiti are going through right now. I in my own little bubble with my own little problems look at what is on television and can only imagine loosing my entire family, let alone every child. My heart goes out for the great loss in Haiti. It will take a very long time for them to recover both physically and spiritually. My hope is that each and everyone of them will have the love and support that I have had, but short of that at least get the help they need.

LIFE AND DEATH

SEEN BY ITSELF
THE RANDOMNESS OF LIFE AND DEATH
CREATE A COMPLICATED MESSAGE TO THE MASSES

SEEN WITHIN THE BIGGER PICTURE
OF TIME AND SPACE
AND SPIRIT AND GRACE
BRINGS DIFFERENT CONCLUSIONS

MISSING SOMEONE IS ALL AND GOOD
BUT SEEING THEM IN A BETTER PLACE
BRINGS IMPORTANCE TO THE EXISTENCE
OF THE HUMAN RACE

IT TIES THE CIRCLE
OF WHY WE ARE ALL HERE
PUTTING THINGS INTO PERSPECTIVE
WITH A SENSE OF COMPLETION

THE JOURNEY: During the process of coming through the darkness of the first six months, I did not cook at all. My kids and I were on survival mode and lived strictly on frozen meals that I could find. Not only did I have a very limited cooking vocabulary but I had not interest. None.
Walking into the kitchen one day I saw everyone standing in front of the open refrigerator, staring and grumbling something about fresh foods. I knew then that I needed to step up to the reality plate and figure out something. Do you know that some genius invented something called the crock pot. It is this thing that you can put a whole lot of things into in the morning and magically have a dinner at the end of the day. To me it was a lesson in life. Take a bunch of ingredients that include friendship, good advice and love from family and friends. Put them into an empty pot. Turn on the life lights, stir and watch what happens. What you get is a new look that doesn't necessarily look like what was put into the pot in the first place, but hopefully something that is new and improved. My promise was to cook twice a week from that point on. I love the crock pot. I would like to thank who ever invented such an amazing thing for not only making me a great cook but a better and improved version of myself.

THE LEAF

THE LEAF HANGS ON
WITH WINTER IN FULL STRIDE
FLUTTERING IN THE BREEZE
DARING ANYONE TO KNOCK IT OFF

IT STRIVES TO KEEP BEING
TO BE THE LAST ONE STANDING
IN ITS COMMUNICATION WITH GOD

IT DOESN'T REALIZE
THAT JUST LETTING GO
BRINGS IT CLOSER
THAN IT HAS EVER BEEN
TO THE SOURCE IT SEEKS

LESSONS ARE LEARNED
BUT OFTEN TIMES IT'S FAITH
ISN'T STRONG ENOUGH
AND SO IT HOLDS ON

THE JOURNEY: Over the past year I have gotten into the habit of talking to myself. I probably always did it but I notice it now. I think that I am trying to determine if I will have a good answer to one of my many questions about life and death. After all, if I talk to myself I don't have to subject anyone else to these uncomfortable questions. So with that in mind I was asking myself what "normal" was. According to the dictionary it means regular, usual or natural. I think that my normal has shifted away from center. When you are with someone for so long, normal becomes second nature. A daily existence that is always there. You can count on it and set your clock to it. But what I have noticed is that normal after loosing someone no longer looks the same. It has noticeably shifted to reflect a new version, and in a way it takes you away from that previous comfort zone. Survival depends on you being able to perceive this shift, adjust to the new normality and grasp its significance. Moving into and accepting this new normality has allowed me to desire this new life inspite of keeping one hand grasped on to my old center. I am assuming that eventually I will let go when the time feels right.

FREEDOM

SLOWLY GLIDING OVER THE MUD FLATS
WHITE SHELLS LITTER THE BOTTOM
FLAT FISH DART IN ALL DIRECTIONS
SEEKING PEACE FROM THE WORLD

FLOWING WITH THE CURRENT
FEELING YOU ARE HARDLY MOVING
BIRDS FISH IN THE SHALLOWS
SEA LIONS POKE THEIR HEADS ABOVE THE WAVES
LETTING GO OF ALL SOUNDS OF MANKIND

CATCHING THE FAST MOVING WATER
MOVING QUICKLY IN THE CANOE
REQUIRES LITTLE EFFORT
FREEING YOURSELF TO FEEL THE SUN

FINDING PEACE
LETTING GO
FREEDOM
SEEK THEM IN EVERYTHING YOU DO
LOOK AT WHAT IS IN FRONT OF YOU AND PAY ATTENTION