THE JOURNEY: I would like to take time to thank Margie Boule for writing the recent column on this journey I am on. Also, I would like to thank each of you for reading the blog and passing it on to folks that need it. I have heard from some very nice and gentle people on similar trips of their own. It is an honor for me to be included in their circle of friendship.
I thought that I was going t0 be a train wreck this week as Barb died 1/29/09. I fully expected to be sucked back into the fog as I call it. Although I can remember with great detail the whole last week of her life here, I was a little surprised that the anniversary of her death turned out to be just another day for me. I did of course think a lot about that day a year ago, but I wasn't reacting the way that I thought society expected me too. I started thinking about that to try to Dr Freud myself. What I believe I discovered was this. Oh, I am going to be very transparent here. My son told me that I have become very transparent since Barbs death. I think that was a complement? I took it to mean that I am open, honest, and as we used to say, I tell it like it is. I communicate with Barb everyday. I discuss the highs and lows and the happy and sad. I ask for guidance, direction and peace. I think that because I have allowed myself that daily venting, it has helped make time less important. After all if you listen to some folks we humans have made the whole time thing up anyway. So my theory is that because of this ongoing communication, when it came up to the dreaded one year anniversary, subconsciously I knew that it was just another day. Time was my problem, not hers. I guess what I learned was that time is a structure that we don't have to subscribe too. Allowing yourself the honor and pleasure of communicating as you see fit breaks down the walls that restrict us and allow us the freedom to not be caught up in the time dilemma.

LEAVING

HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO FEEL
YOU LEFT ME A YEAR AGO
ITS SEEMS SO SUDDEN
SO SELFISH
SO PERMANENT

IS IT LIKE THE MOTHER BIRD
THAT PUSHES THE BABY
OUT OF THE NEST AND SAYS FLY

IS IT THE KNOWING THAT YOU ARE SURROUNDED
BY THE ONES THAT HAVE LEFT BEFORE YOU
AND YOU WON'T HAVE THE ANSWER TO WHY

HOW TO PROCEED
HOW TO COPE
HOW TO RESPOND
HOW TO TRY

UNANSWERED QUESTIONS
CREATE THE FEELINGS
THAT BRING YOU INTO REALITY
AND GET YOU BY