THE JOURNEY: Taking control of your life over the protests of your psyche can leave you in a position that only confuses things. A couple of things happened this week to make me reflect on how far I have come or not. I thought after a year and a half that maybe it was time to take off my wedding ring. My premise was that although I always thought that I would go to my own grave with this ring on, I never counted on Barb leaving before me. So I sit here and ponder what this ring means to me and what it means for the future. My current thought is that as I'm moving forward it reminds me of the past and I need to change that perspective in order to really let go. And so, in an attempt to be grown up, reflective and philosophical about material things and continue to fight for the new me, I make a stab at getting the ring off my finger. The problem is that no amount of vasoline, olive oil or tugging and pulling will relieve the finger of something that has been attached to it for thirty five years.
The other thing that happened was that I had my house cleaned by a professional. There is nothing wrong with that because without that kind of help my kids and I would be in over our heads. But, I noticed that she had switched all the utensils around in the drawer to be backwards of how they had been forever. My first thought was so what, just switch them back. How simple. Why would anything so ordinary bother you. You can hear the wheels turning in my head huh? On second thought moving ahead means changes in your life even if it is accepting the spoons are in the wrong place. And so, staying in the past or being in the future is not really the question. Acceptance of who you are now and how you relate to who you want to be is the issue. As I sit here and type this my spoons are still in the wrong or right place depending on perspective and my wedding ring is still on my finger. Life after a death can be as complicated or simple as you want to make it. What is really importan? Spoons, rings, staying in the past or stepping into the future.....what will be the perfect answer for you?


CLARITY


WITH THE JOURNEY COMES CLARITY
THE JOURNEY THROUGH DEATH INTO LIFE
IS LIKE COMING THROUGH A DARKENED TUNNEL
INTO THE LIGHT

AT THE POINT
THAT YOU HAVE REACHED THE END OF THE TUNNEL
TAKE A BREATH AND LOOK AROUND

CLARITY REQUIRES NOTHING
HE'S WATCHING AND HUGGING YOU WITH LOVE
IN HOPES THAT YOU WILL TAKE
THE STEP TO CLARITY

THE JOURNEY: Fathers Day brings with it a realization that this is the first holiday since Barb died that I haven't tried to hide. Up until now the holiday to me was a painful reminder that things were and never will be the same. At times I wanted to hibernate in a cave that would allow the world to continue on outside but let me protect myself. I don't pretend to understand what has happened over the last year and a half. People sometimes say that time stands still. Well in my case it seemed like time disappeared. I honestly don't remember a lot of it. It doesn't seem possible that I became what I call a momdad, learned to live again, work again, feel, find myself and write while all the time being in a fog of uncertainty. But, it happens. Now, I find that I am building the foundation for the future, becoming someone that I like and taking the role of father back. My eldest daughter told me that she is so glad to see me back again and to be able to talk like we used too. Honestly, I think I was always there somewhere but the new me that I see in the mirror really is a combination of old and new. The difference is that I survived and now have created a goal oriented person that is in control of the future. Don't worry, I know the reality of that statement but it sounds good to say it. I will incorporate the strengths of the past with the rights of the future. I will be present in my kids lives and be the father that Barb always knew I could be. Oh, I will make mistakes along the way but I won't be in the cave anymore. Only sunshine for me baby. I think that the lesson learned here is that the fog will lift, the cave will open into the sunshine and time will move forward with or without you. The moment will come when you will realize that rejoining the race brings with it the love that was there all along. You in your protective time out can come back whenever you want and reconnect. So it is a perfect time for me to allow a holiday to be important again. I am very happy that Fathers Day 2010 was my coming out party and that I can throw away the word momdad and proudly accept dad in its place. Now, where are my presents?


REMEMBER

REMEMBER WHEN WALKING MEANT YOU HAD TO MOVE
REMEMBER WHEN THE LIGHT WENT OUT OF YOUR EYES
REMEMBER WHEN SINKING INTO THE FOG WAS YOUR BEST OF DAYS
REMEMBER WHEN TEARS WERE YOUR BEST FRIEND
AND YELLING AT GOD WAS THE ALTERNATIVE TO BLAMING YOURSELF FOR EVERYTHING
REMEMBER THE SUN DIDN'T SHINE ANYMORE
AND THE SOUND OF RAIN DULLED YOUR SENSES

LOOKING BACK IS EASY
WHEN YOU ARE FACING FORWARD
SENSING THAT BEING ONE AGAIN WITH YOURSELF
FINDING LOVE AT THE MOST OPPORTUNE TIME
RELEASING YOURSELF TO THE FATE
THAT HAPPINESS CAN AND WILL BE OBTAINED

WHAT THEN IS TO BE DRAWN
FROM THE BEFORE AND AFTER

WAS IT NECESSARY
WAS IT A LESSON
DID YOU INVITE IT IN
OR DID YOU JUST LIVE

ANSWERS ARE A DIME A DOZEN
RESPONSE IS WHAT MATTERS
THINK
FIND
FEEL
BE OPEN
SENSE THE PURPOSE OF ALL LIFE
RE-MEMBER YOURSELF

THE JOURNEY: A rock chip in the windshield can just stay there forever and not cause any other damage. Or it can spread out in all directions, destroying the vision of the driver. I am looking at a rock chip in my truck and there is this huge line that is slowly forming in the glass. It reminds me of my life since Barb died. The rock chip was the brilliant way that she died. It exploded on impact and sent fine lines around its circumference. Very quick and powerful with surprising sound. At first glance we didn't see the hole that it left. But on second evaluation we discovered that it was worse than we thought. Eventually, a serious crack formed in the glass in two directions. Some of us followed its southerly route until it ended at a edge and we could sigh with relief. Others of us followed the northerly route that has no end in sight and we just aimlessly zig zag back and forth hoping we don't go crazy watching it unfold. Glass repair can be done to some chips but it is really still there. Or you can replace the entire windshield and start over like it never happened. Well really, you will always know that it was broken, it is just that it will all be cleaned up. I don't know if I'm going to get my chip fixed. After all, it reminds me of things that I may not necessarily want to forget.


SO MUCH TIME

I SPENT SO MUCH TIME WITH YOU
AND NOW IT IS JUST CHANGING
YOU'RE IN MY THOUGHTS
YOU'RE IN MY LIGHT
YOU'RE IN MY EVERY SECOND

LETTING GO AND PROGRESSING IS NOT WHAT
I THOUGHT I WOULD EVER DO

WITHOUT YOU I KNEW I COULDN'T MAKE IT
I COULDN'T FUNCTION
I WOULDN'T BE

BUT, REALIZATION OF OUR LIFE PROCEEDING
HAS TAKEN OVER

ALLOWING ME TO CARRY YOU
AND COMMUNICATE

KNOWING LIFE IS MORE THAN THE PAST
BUT ALSO THE FUTURE

YOU AND I WILL NEVER REALLY BE APART
FOREVER BONDED, FOREVER SMART
TO THE UNIVERSAL STORY OF CONTINUING ON THE ROAD
TO THE CHANGING STORY

THE JOURNEY: The sun hit my face for the first time in I can't remember when. It brought tears to my eyes not because Barb is gone, but I got to stay here. It's not tears of sadness but tears of joy. Oh my gosh, I would say that is what is called a break through. Either that or the sun has killed some brain cells. Either way I'm happy. And that seems to be the critical statement. Yes, loosing anyone sets you on the path of going through stages that only you can determine. But the promise that you will get through them and come out of the tunnel into the sunlight is somewhere in the back of your mind. Most people come through OK in time and the promise of being happy is so alluring that it can't help but generate an interest in moving forward. But the reality of being in the midst of that pain story leaves most of us wondering whether the established world really has any clue as to what they are talking about. Being happy. Really? But I'm here to tell you that glimpses will come at the oddest moments. The ebb and flow of your own incredible journey will take you to the edge of happiness sometimes and tease your senses. Just know that we all have the right to be happy and if that doesn't work go outside and have the sun shine on your face. Remember what the sun and happiness feel like and incorporate that into your daily mantra of getting there. Oh, it also helps to be listening to Creedence Clearwater Revival. Plus you get some interesting looks when you are singing and dancing down the street. Glimpses lead to remembering which lead to changes in your life form. Bless your journey.


I'M MOVING ON
THE BEST I CAN SEE, LIFE HAS BEEN PATIENTLY WAITING FOR ME
AND I KNOW
THERE'S NO GUARANTEES, BUT I'M NOT ALONE
THERE COMES A TIME IN EVERY ONE'S LIFE
WHEN ALL YOU CAN SEE ARE THE YEARS PASSING BY
AND I HAVE MADE UP MY MIND
THAT THOSE DAYS ARE GONE

-RASCAL FLATTS-