THE JOURNEY: Although the cave was amost in complete darkness, it was lit by a single candle that seemed to never melt. It shed its light in all directions. You could see a few feet out, but were still confused about what might be in the distance. The risk and fear of what was in the darkness was generally considered by others to not be worth taking the risk of entering the cave. After all, you many go and never come back, and that that would truly be sad for everyone involved. The light from the single candle radiated with such clarity and intensity that he just knew that he was on the right path. He always trusted his intuition but admitted that he didn't always follow it. He personally didn't feel that he had anything to loose. They tried to tell him to not go into the cave in the first place, but due to his stubbornness he thought that there had to be more to life than to just be the person he had always been. He really believed that he probably could not have gone on the same way he was. So, now he seems to have made friends with this candle who apparently was helping him find his way out of the darkness even if it did mean that he wasn't conforming to the advice of those around him. He became so tired physically and mentally that he had to lay down and rest. Dreaming wasn't something he did very often but when the candle spoke to him he really wasn't sure if he was asleep or awake. The candle said, "you don't have to do it alone". What is that suppose to mean? Of course I have to do it alone. I am the only one here now. He actually got angry that the candle had spoke and told him something that didn't appear to make sense. He stirred and looked at the candle still trying to figure out what just happened. It is not that he is the type of person that never listens, it is just that he feels so strongly about what he is doing even if he can't see the path. Not being able to sleep any longer, he chose to think about what he thought the candle had said. Not having to do it alone would mean that he needs to ask one of his friends to come with him. His head just became more confused which scared him for the first time, so he said a prayer. "God grant me the wisdom to see who I really am and to be who I should be. Help me on this journey to become what was intended through your guidance and show me the way with help in finding peace in everything I do, joy in what I choose, and freedom and love all around me". Another voice in the dark said to "look in your pocket". He felt another candle and decided to light it as well. The voice said "you are not alone. You now have two candles that shine together as one, illuminating where ever you want to go. You do not have to put out the first candle as it will always act in unison with the second candle in guiding you on your path. Always be humble that your past is as brightly lit as your future. We go there together in the hopes that you remember where you came from and realize that you never have to do it alone and will always be surrounded by the clarity and illumination of the joint flame within your heart. Go now, and follow the path together and know that I will always stay with your when times are tough, protecting you and those that you love" With tears of gratitude he and the candles moved forward out of the other end of the cave and into the light of illumination moving without fear.


The journey over the last two years has been profound for me. I have survived the continuous onslaught of emotions, feelings and general ups and downs that accompany a death of someone so close to you that you thought you were of one body. I have been inspired all along this journey to do things that I never thought I could do. Writing poetry, blogs, and books was definitely not in my sights prior to Barb dying. It was only through a series of what I called inspired thought and following the dots of ideas and peoples suggestions that I can now see that there was a bigger picture that had very intentional consequences. At the time I couldn't necessarily make sense of it, but I was being guided to come out of the darkness. The darkness is what everyone goes through when they have profound loss and each and everyone of us have to make that conscious decision to move through the darkness and come into the light. Even though in my story I have to admit that I made a demand that Barb participate in my life and that I couldn't do it alone, I am not sure that I really thought the answers would come the way they did. A friend asked me when does the mourning ever end. When I thought about that question, I realized that it doesn't end. It only changes. It changes to a more manageable and loving way to handle the grief. It only requires that you are open to the idea that their memory is really a gift, and as a gift it should be treated with the open arms of receiving their gift with thankfulness. I know now that Barb continues to guide me, make me laugh, and inspire me to make something of my life. She was my candle and when she combined with the current love of my life, they have made a great team of which I am truly honored to be apart of. I will forever be great full of the love that Barb showed me while alive and continues to show me in her death. I consider myself incredibly lucky to have two candles burning in my life. The end of the blog is simply that. This is the exact right timing to end a journey of discovery through death and life for me. It is not really the end but a beginning, linking the first life with the second. One is not better than the other, only different. I can't really see any further in the darkness than you can but I am willing to keep my past and my future illuminated with love and will enjoy the journey that is in front of me, knowing that I am indeed not alone on the trip. I understand one true and meaningful thought. The writing of this blog was a very important choice in my life. I use "choice" with emphasis as it requires me to reflect and to know that all the decisions I have made on this journey have been my choices. Yes, I can tell you that these choices at times were impacted by suggestions from others including inspired input from Barbara G Russell. But, one thing is clear to me. No amount of inspired input, suggestions from friends and family can influence someone if they are not ready to receive. So, in my cave, praying for help was choice. I am convinced that all humans have the unique characteristic of choice. Choosing to live, to die, to love and be loved. Choose to move forward or to stand still. Choose the path to the left or the right. I chose to write this blog and help heal myself with truth and pain in the effort to take one step at a time. In that, my hope is that by writing from the male perspective I was able to show that feelings are not the sole reward of the feminine. I hope in writing my story, I was able to touch the heart that needed opening, and if one person benefited from my journey then the benefit was immeasurable. The butterfly effect to me is that you do one thing and effect another. If you know someone that needs to read this story, then pass it on. You will be the butterfly. Bless you for your support of me and my journey and never give up. With thanks and humbleness I move forward.


NEVER ALONE-JIM BRICKMAN

MAY THE ANGELS PROTECT YOU
TROUBLE NEGLECT YOU, AND HEAVEN ACCEPT YOU WHEN IT'S TIME TO GO HOME
MAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE PLENTY
THE GLASS NEVER EMPTY AND KNOW IN YOUR BELLY, YOUR NEVER ALONE

MAY YOUR TEARS COME FROM LAUGHING
YOUR FIND FRIENDS WORTH HAVING AS EVERY YEAR PASSES, THEY MEAN MORE THAN GOLD
MAY YOU WIN AND STAY HUMBLE, SMILE MORE THAN GRUMBLE
AND KNOW WHEN YOU STUMBLE YOU'RE NEVER ALONE

WELL, I HAVE TO BE HONEST AS MUCH AS I WANTED
I'M NOT GONNA PROMISE THAT COLD WINDS WON'T BLOW
SO WHEN HARD TIMES HAVE FOUND YOU
AND YOUR FEARS SURROUND YOU
WRAP MY LOVE AROUND YOU, YOU'RE NEVER ALONE

NEVER ALONE, NEVER ALONE
I'LL BE IN EVERY BEAT OF YOUR HEART WHEN YOU FACE THE UNKNOWN
WHEREVER YOU FLY THIS ISN'T GOODBYE
MY LOVE WILL FOLLOW YOU, STAY WITH YOU, BABY
YOU'RE NEVER ALONE