THE JOURNEY: It occurred to me the other day to reflect on what I have learned in the last fourteen months since Barbs death. That sentence is easy to write down but another thing to actually answer. Surely there are things that I have learned that will affect the rest of my life here on this planet. Caught up in grief that was consuming for at least half that time taught me that men can get angry enough to think that they are rational to demand that communication continue. Not only communication, but the expectation of what I call the daily miracles. They are required and are a natural part of my daily life of moving forward. Come on now, don't normal people move on after someone dies and not require proof that they are listening? Heck, I don't know, I'm just asking the question. If I thought I was normal I probably wouldn't be writing this blog in the first place. I have learned that I can walk further than I thought, ride a bike and look cool at the same time and hike into the woods to listen for that voice that you can only hear when the wind is blowing through the trees. I've learned that a family can survive the loss and get stronger day by day. I have learned that kids are resilient and make it their quest to remind you that in some ways you now have become the child and also that your aren't allowed to die for a very long time. That would be unacceptable. I have learned how lonely life is without that long term relationship anymore. I have also learned that I can love again given the opportunity. I have learned that I can cook and I can also get overwhelmed by the monthly bills just like she did. I have also learned that life does not stop because someone dies and how painful that felt. Real emotions are a lesson that have changed me and I expect I will never again be complacent with things that are not important at a deep level. I have learned that I have to work really hard to care about my career only from the standpoint of where we are going and how important is it really. I have learned that I do have friends and people that love me even when I didn't have the strength to give it back. Wow, I guess I really did learn some lessons. Are they the right ones though? I sense that I will find that out some day. May your lessons be special and be guided by love like mine have. I will continue to learn and apply those lessons so that I can hope to maintain a direction that means something to myself and to those around me. I do realize that today is Easter and what that means to me. Hope arises in all of us and death isn't the end. No matter what you believe, your own lessons can strenghten you and help guide you after the death of someone that was important in your life.

SILENCE

FALLING INTO SILENCE
REFLECTING WHAT WAS LOST
ONLY THREATENS THE SECURITY
OF THE INDIVIDUAL

LIFE CONTINUES ONWARD
PEOPLE GO ABOU THEIR BUSINESS
THE AWARENESS OF THE WORLD
NEVER NOTICING THE DIMNESS OF THE INDIVIDUAL

EVENTUALLY PIECES OF A DIFFERENT PUZZLE
TRANSFORM THE NEW INDIVIDUAL
TO A DIFFERENT KIND OF WORLD
FOREVER CHANGING THE PAST

IT'S NOT BAD
IT'S NOT GOOD
IT'S NOT COMPLETE
IT'S NOT UNDERSTOOD

IT JUST IS
IT IS JUST CHOICES
WITHOUT IT
THERE IS NO MOVING FORWARD.